peruano99 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 How did she even met the guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 Funny thing is she's been getting anonymous phone calls since last week. She's told me, we're still living together at the moment and I think it might be him, seems a bit weird unless he's been reading this forum and realised who I am. In which case I've been giving him all the background he needs to make his move. Either that or I'm extremely paranoid. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Funny thing is she's been getting anonymous phone calls since last week. She's told me, we're still living together at the moment and I think it might be him, seems a bit weird unless he's been reading this forum and realised who I am. In which case I've been giving him all the background he needs to make his move. Either that or I'm extremely paranoid. Honestly, it doesn't matter who is calling her. She has emotionally abused you for a very long time. Part of you is probably afraid of that ending. This is your chance to be happy. Settle the divorce fast and go no contact with her for a few years. You WILL find a better woman! Just give it a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Funny thing is she's been getting anonymous phone calls since last week. She's told me, we're still living together at the moment and I think it might be him, seems a bit weird unless he's been reading this forum and realised who I am. In which case I've been giving him all the background he needs to make his move. Either that or I'm extremely paranoid. I think you are still so caught up in her you fail to see what is really important right now. You did not cheat. She Did You did not bring this into your life she did. You found out she still loves him yet you don't care enough for yourself to protect yourself when you hear this. Its time for you to walk away from her. Your marriage is over with and you need to let go. You need to seriously put it in your head that she is not your concern anymore. I know it hurts and I am deeply sorry you are going through this but until you really get it that your marriage is over with anything she does is going to drive you crazy. I would recommend you get out of the house and start finding things to do to pass the time and you never know you might actually have a good time. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 You may want to consider ramping up the 180. This tool will be your friend. Start doing things without her. I am glad that you did decide to divorce. I hope your future holds happiness for you. She really took a dump on your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Funny thing is she's been getting anonymous phone calls since last week. She's told me, we're still living together at the moment and I think it might be him, seems a bit weird unless he's been reading this forum and realised who I am. In which case I've been giving him all the background he needs to make his move. Either that or I'm extremely paranoid. Wait, I don't get how did she meet the OM. Was he a coworker? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 Wait, I don't get how did she meet the OM. Was he a coworker? Yes he was. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Did you ever expose her OM at her work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 Sorry Harry but is just doesn't matter anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I found out last night that my wife still loves the OM, how bad is that for me. She's still NC but I think she's thinking about breaking it but she still says she loves me. What are the chances of failure at this point, anyone? No she told me she loves me more than she loves him, but she thought I didn't love her, until it was too late, ofcourse. From what she's told me, she doesn't think about him all that much. When I moved out for a month she told me she missed me every night I wasn't here and cried nearly every night. She never thought of him at all when I wasn't with her she only thought about me not being there and she became depressed even more than she was before. I remember one night she was phoning me and I was asleep, I heard a knock at the door and she was stood there almost in tears, panicking. I asked her what was wrong, she said she thought I was cheating on her because I didn't answer the phone and that she wasn't sure if she could live like that, it's abit rich really but that's what happened. I find it very, very difficult to give up on the last eighteen years. My whole life is invested in her and my family. We are going to MC in three days, I'll see how this works out before I do anything else. There is still hope, I feel, I'll just have to wait and see. When asked if she wanted to R at MC she said " a month ago I would have fought tooth and nail but now I am not sure". About ten minutes ago I took off my wedding ring off and told her that I'm getting the divorce papers ready. She said she wasn't sure that she wanted that and was too messed up to decide, she needs more time. She said we could change the dates about the affair so I could still get a quick divorce. She said she's been getting constantly worn down by my questions and emotions. I told her to move in with him and leave me the house but she doesn't want to be with him. Even though she said because he told her he loved her and never felt I never loved her that's where her feelings are stuck. It's nonsense about feelings of love between us, I remember her saying many, many times how happy she was with me. I think she's just completely worn down and that's why theses feeling have sprung up. Right now in the last ten minutes my wife and I decided to end our marriage and go our separate ways.....I am very afraid. She actually regrets ever meeting him, both our children know enough about what happened that neither would be happy if she got with him. My oldest hates him with a passion and blames him for most of it. He feels this guy actively persued my wife, knowing what it would do to us and our extended family. He had it happen to him twice and given his seedy background that just reinforces that view. My youngest wouldn't want to go there as " he's basically the reason you are leaving ". I can also see the effects of all of the affair business on him, his behaviour and demeanor have changed. She MIGHT do, I guess, but she bitterly regrets it all. If she does then he can deal with her life "issues " and other health problems, best of luck to him, I say. No doubt she'll think over all what has happened already and be severely depressed anyway, if I still know anything about her, he can deal with that too. It took two years for me to find out she suffered with clinical depression, he knows nothing of her mental health issues as he only ever saw the best of her. I guess we'll see, my problem now is planning and building a new life for myself, I'll leave here with nothing as I can't take all my life's possessions as there will not be enough room. I guess I'll just have to man up and crack on, maybe I'll see some of you on the singles forum in a few months if everything goes the way it seems to be. Everything has become disturbingly calm since we've decided to end it, much more open and amicable, even laughing and joking, weird but hey ho, I guess. I just don't get it! I am trying to understand how anyone could think she is still in love with him based on some of the stuff bolded above. Why did you throw in the towel ? I am probably missing a lot here. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Sometimes one wins only after giving up. I don't know how he is behaving in her presence but if he is being strong and determined with the D she might be back once her brain fart clears. At that point he can make a decision whether to take her back or not. Often WS only come back once the BS moves on. They realize what they have lost then.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 I just don't get it! I am trying to understand how anyone could think she is still in love with him based on some of the stuff bolded above. Why did you throw in the towel ? I am probably missing a lot here. It wasn't me who brought up the idea it was her and I agreed. I feel both physically and mentally drained, all the arguments and fighting have taken their toll. I told her that we should take off our wedding rings, I gave mine to her and asked her to give hers to me. I said maybe this will work for the best for us both, we can give eachother's rings back if we feel we want to carry on. We do still love eachother, alot, she realises her jealousy and mistrust have lead us along this path. I just wish I did something about it earlier and maybe we could've avoided all this heartache instead of me reacting so badly and doing all the things I did that helped wreck us. She said to me " if you love someone enough sometimes you have to set them free" which I thought was very philosophical for her to be honest but it's a nice sentiment. Anyway that said, I went out the other day with a friend, she said I didn't have to come home if I didn't want, which I thought was a ridiculous thing to say. As if I'm going out to pull some woman and go sleep with her, I might catch something . It was nice to just go out, no texts or calls or her turning up to see who I was with. Just had a good time and I was happy, I have arranged to go out two more times in the next couple of weeks. I'm still in the house and things are good, no pressure and little stress, I'll take that anyday. We are acting almost normal together, I almost think she wanted to end it for this to happen. She said I don't have to leave straight away I can take my time, I am waiting until a friend of mine moves so I can move in with him. Everything is going very well, there's just no reason to fight or argue or very little anyway. I'm trying not to post or look up things about affairs anymore, it just gives me ideas of how I can unintentionally provoke another heated discussion. I'm gonna keep posts to a minimum although I do like reading through the posts that are here, it will keep my head clear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 It wasn't me who brought up the idea it was her and I agreed. I feel both physically and mentally drained, all the arguments and fighting have taken their toll. I told her that we should take off our wedding rings, I gave mine to her and asked her to give hers to me. I said maybe this will work for the best for us both, we can give eachother's rings back if we feel we want to carry on. We do still love eachother, alot, she realises her jealousy and mistrust have lead us along this path. I just wish I did something about it earlier and maybe we could've avoided all this heartache instead of me reacting so badly and doing all the things I did that helped wreck us. She said to me " if you love someone enough sometimes you have to set them free" which I thought was very philosophical for her to be honest but it's a nice sentiment. Anyway that said, I went out the other day with a friend, she said I didn't have to come home if I didn't want, which I thought was a ridiculous thing to say. As if I'm going out to pull some woman and go sleep with her, I might catch something . It was nice to just go out, no texts or calls or her turning up to see who I was with. Just had a good time and I was happy, I have arranged to go out two more times in the next couple of weeks. I'm still in the house and things are good, no pressure and little stress, I'll take that anyday. We are acting almost normal together, I almost think she wanted to end it for this to happen. She said I don't have to leave straight away I can take my time, I am waiting until a friend of mine moves so I can move in with him. Everything is going very well, there's just no reason to fight or argue or very little anyway. I'm trying not to post or look up things about affairs anymore, it just gives me ideas of how I can unintentionally provoke another heated discussion. I'm gonna keep posts to a minimum although I do like reading through the posts that are here, it will keep my head clear. I still do not believe that this is really over - even though you say it is. I think she is worn down and there is a strong chance of recovering this once you both get a chance to recover and catch your breath. Do not let that fat lady sing yet! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 23, 2014 Author Share Posted January 23, 2014 I still do not believe that this is really over - even though you say it is. I think she is worn down and there is a strong chance of recovering this once you both get a chance to recover and catch your breath. Do not let that fat lady sing yet! We are getting along better, she hasn't asked me to leave outright, she says she loves me. Her behaviour doesn't suggest too strongly about it being over permanently but it's the guilt that's killing her and I mean in the physical sense, I've told her she needs to forgive herself for us to go any further. I am acting as though it's over, I don't want to give myself false hope. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 So you two have taken a break from each other Fred? Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 We are getting along better, she hasn't asked me to leave outright, she says she loves me. Her behaviour doesn't suggest too strongly about it being over permanently but it's the guilt that's killing her and I mean in the physical sense, I've told her she needs to forgive herself for us to go any further. I am acting as though it's over, I don't want to give myself false hope. Understand completely. You are protecting yourself from further hurt just as I would do. However, I think her forgiving herself is part of what I mean when I say you both need to give yourselves time to catch your breath, settle down, think about what is really important to you both now and not assume it is over. Cause it certainly does not seem like she (or you) truly wants it to be over. So best of luck and just keep reassuring and comforting each other. It is very obvious that you both love and care for each other and will get over this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 She did so much for him. What is she doing for you? It takes two working hard to make a marriage work, not three or one. If she is not up to the remorse and the hard work, she may cheat again. If she is not doing everything she can, to protect yourself, do the 180. And file for divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 OP, I am sorry to hear that your m is likely over, but perhaps it is for the best. I am also sorry for your wife, as you said she suffers from depression. Whatever else she may have done/ not done, that isn't something I would wish on anyone. A few things to keep in mind, should she decide that she does want to R. - whatever it was that caused her to make the choice get get involved with someone else is on her. While it doesn't make her a bad person, it does mean that it is something within her that you cannot fix for her. She has to do that, and she has to want to do it. She ay love you,but love sometimes isn't enough. - right now, your top priorities need to be seeing your children and yourself yourself through all of this. Even if it goes against everything in you, put yourself before your ws. This doesn't mean that you need to be cruel, but be honest and stand up for yourself. - it's okay if you still love her. Maybe part of you always will, but as stated above, sometimes love isn't enough. - be true to yourself. Stand up for your feelings, and don't allow yourself to comfort her for her loss at your own expense. - plan for your future, but also take things one day at a time. Count each day that you get through as a victory, and if you feel like things are spinning wild, try writing down your feelings, goals, etc., as sometimes seeing things on paper can help you to organize your thoughts. If it helps, make lists of short and long term goals, and how you plan to achieve them. Don't rush to a "quickie divorce" without first seeking legal advice about what is in your best interests. - seeing, in black and white terms, what your ws did is one thing, but if it is not in you to hate or dislike her, that is okay. Again, you may always love her, but love isn't always enough. - don't judge all women or all relationships by your ws. There are women out there who will not have an a and who will treat you and your children well. Don't rush I to anything, as it is worth the wait. Best of luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
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