compulsivedancer Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 She has other issues that need dealing with and she wasn't interested anyway. Fred, if you are interested in trying, then the measure of whether it's worth it to stay is if she is trying. If she isn't, it isn't worth it. On the other hand, if she's putting in the work, then you have a chance. If you are interested in continuing. Require her to make a choice. They call it the 180. File papers, maybe even kick her out. Tell her what you expect if she wants to stay (that she works hard and does IC, that she maintains NC, that she focuses on the two of you, etc.). If she wants to be with you, she'll prove it. If not, she'll prove that too. Don't be swayed by the opinions of a few posters. You know your situation. There is a BS on here, StrongerNow and some numbers I don't remember, I believe (I haven't seen her in a while). She always said she strives to be "strong enough to stay, strong enough to leave." The point is to allow yourself the time to make the right decision for you. Good luck. I hope things turn around for you. 4
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 When asked if she wanted to R at MC she said " a month ago I would have fought tooth and nail but now I am not sure". About ten minutes ago I took off my wedding ring off and told her that I'm getting the divorce papers ready. She said she wasn't sure that she wanted that and was too messed up to decide, she needs more time. She said we could change the dates about the affair so I could still get a quick divorce. She said she's been getting constantly worn down by my questions and emotions. I told her to move in with him and leave me the house but she doesn't want to be with him. Even though she said because he told her he loved her and never felt I never loved her that's where her feelings are stuck. It's nonsense about feelings of love between us, I remember her saying many, many times how happy she was with me. I think she's just completely worn down and that's why theses feeling have sprung up.
tiredofitall2 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Sometimes you have to let go before the WS realizes what she had and what she will lose. This doesn't mean allowing her to be with the OM as you wait on the sideline for her to come back or for the fog to wear off. But, to somehow let go of the constant "work" and trying to get the WS to see their mistake and the way back to R. Sometimes when you just give up, they pick up the slack and are forced to work on the M. You then are allowed to work on you and your children if you have them. You cannot change your WW, but you can change you and your situation. Giver her some time if she needs it, but don't be a doormat and don't allow her to cake eat. Always keep the consequences of her decision a very real possibility and protect yourself both emotionally and legally. If you don't see progress in a REASONABLE amount of time file for D and have her served. I wouldn't wait more than a month or 2. She will rewrite history and give you WW babble straight from the WW script. She will only remember bad things you might have said and amplify them beyond any reasonable context to justify her actions and to help ease the guilt. It is what all WWs do. 2
tiredofitall2 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I am as certain as I can be that she is very regretful and wish it never happened. I'm not religious and don't really care about marriage, my wife, however liked the idea of getting married, she said she wanted the security and safety and said it would make her very happy, I loved her alot and because of this I married her and we were very happy. Now though, as you can imagine I'm pretty angry, I feel that my marriage is a complete pile of horse crap, it means nothing to be married as it doesn't stop you from doing this or anything else you want. I have told my wife that I would stay with her but I want a divorce as I no longer respect the ideals or values marriage is supposed to represent. My wife has made herself ill trying to convince me. She doesn't want a divorce, she loves me, this will never happen again (we've both made big changes) and has bent over backwards trying to let me know how much she loves me and cares. She phones me at work at lease 3 times a day, brings me lunch and stays with me until I have to go. How did it go from this to where you are now?
peruano99 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Do you have any kids with her and do they know of her affair?
dreamingoftigers Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 When asked if she wanted to R at MC she said " a month ago I would have fought tooth and nail but now I am not sure". About ten minutes ago I took off my wedding ring off and told her that I'm getting the divorce papers ready. She said she wasn't sure that she wanted that and was too messed up to decide, she needs more time. She said we could change the dates about the affair so I could still get a quick divorce. She said she's been getting constantly worn down by my questions and emotions. I told her to move in with him and leave me the house but she doesn't want to be with him. Even though she said because he told her he loved her and never felt I never loved her that's where her feelings are stuck. It's nonsense about feelings of love between us, I remember her saying many, many times how happy she was with me. I think she's just completely worn down and that's why theses feeling have sprung up. Whatever the reason, shes not on board and shes blaming you. You cant work with her "intentions" you can only work with her actions and reactions. Now with a separation coming, she has all of the time she needs to "figure out what she wants" and with one less option available to her the choice should be that much easier. 3
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 How did it go from this to where you are now? If you mean from dday, I think it's the stress of what's happened since then. If you mean our marriage then,to me, it's because I was hardly allowed any room to be myself because of her issues. This led to, over time an unhappy husband therefore unhappy marriage.
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Do you have any kids with her and do they know of her affair? Yes we do, I've told them both as much as they need to know.
aliveagain Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 When asked if she wanted to R at MC she said " a month ago I would have fought tooth and nail but now I am not sure". About ten minutes ago I took off my wedding ring off and told her that I'm getting the divorce papers ready. She said she wasn't sure that she wanted that and was too messed up to decide, she needs more time. She said we could change the dates about the affair so I could still get a quick divorce. She said she's been getting constantly worn down by my questions and emotions. I told her to move in with him and leave me the house but she doesn't want to be with him. Even though she said because he told her he loved her and never felt I never loved her that's where her feelings are stuck. It's nonsense about feelings of love between us, I remember her saying many, many times how happy she was with me. I think she's just completely worn down and that's why theses feeling have sprung up. Fred, there is only one way to deal with a wayward spouse that is sitting on the fence, knock her ass off, file. She will always need more time, take the choice away from her or three years from now you will be having this same conversation. Stop giving her the power to keep things the way they are. Make it clear that you are taking yourself out of infidelity. You need to stop making things too easy for your wife, she needs to see what life without you will be like. She will do to you what you allow her to do. 3
tiredofitall2 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 If you mean from dday, I think it's the stress of what's happened since then. If you mean our marriage then,to me, it's because I was hardly allowed any room to be myself because of her issues. This led to, over time an unhappy husband therefore unhappy marriage. No, I meant form her wanting to reconcile and doing anything and everything to show remorse to now not being sure and saying she loves OM. From previous posts it sounded as she really felt everything had been a huge mistake! 2
tiredofitall2 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Fred, there is only one way to deal with a wayward spouse that is sitting on the fence, knock her ass off, file. She will always need more time, take the choice away from her or three years from now you will be having this same conversation. Stop giving her the power to keep things the way they are. Make it clear that you are taking yourself out of infidelity. You need to stop making things too easy for your wife, she needs to see what life without you will be like. She will do to you what you allow her to do. This exactly!
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 Right now in the last ten minutes my wife and I decided to end our marriage and go our separate ways.....I am very afraid.
RightThere Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Right now in the last ten minutes my wife and I decided to end our marriage and go our separate ways.....I am very afraid. It's scary because it's different. But give it some time and you will realize that you will be much better off. Sorry you are going through this. 2
Clay Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I am sorry to hear its gone this way. Now you know the truth. Its time to deal with this. Stop thinking you can save it or fix her. You can't. Start protecting yourself. Call your lawyer and get the paper work drawn up. Try to do this as amicable as you can with her. If she says she needs more time tell her you don't. Tell her you are ready for this to take its course. Once again I am really sorry but you need to deal with this while you still have a chance. Don't let her take you to the cleaners on top of cheating on you. Clay
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 It's the weirdest thing, when I wrote my last message ,I was upset, now I feel free haha, I can be myself! We are amicable and we will separate with no issues. We've told our youngest, we all cuddled, we are going to our oldest sons house. I have lost weight and have been working out, we went in town together with absolutely no Ill feeling. There is no pressures on us anymore, I'm getting divorce papers tomorrow for us to fill out. 3
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 9, 2014 Author Posted January 9, 2014 It's just so messed up, my last post doesn't make sense now I've read it.
RightThere Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 It's just so messed up, my last post doesn't make sense now I've read it. You will still go up and down for a while about this. Totally normal. Some days I'm skipping along the sidewalk singing to the birds. Other days I'm sitting at the end of my bed in the dark for an hour feeling depressed. Just take care of yourself. 3
Clay Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 I think you are still in shock. Its going to take a while to really grasp all of it. Clay 2
aliveagain Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 Protect your children, protect your finances, pay only half of all costs until you formalize a settlement. Plan to do things without her, start the process of detaching. Listen to your lawyer. Fear of the unknown is a major motivator but honestly, being divorced puts you in a much better position than being with a wife who is openly dating and loves another man. Much of the fear is the fear of committing to a decision, you have now made a decision, it can only get better. 3
peruano99 Posted January 9, 2014 Posted January 9, 2014 It's the weirdest thing, when I wrote my last message ,I was upset, now I feel free haha, I can be myself! We are amicable and we will separate with no issues. We've told our youngest, we all cuddled, we are going to our oldest sons house. I have lost weight and have been working out, we went in town together with absolutely no Ill feeling. There is no pressures on us anymore, I'm getting divorce papers tomorrow for us to fill out. So your soon to be ex doesn't want to be with you or the OM now? Strange.
anne1707 Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 So your soon to be ex doesn't want to be with you or the OM now? Strange. Nothing strange about it at all. Just because Fred's wife cannot give him the commitment he understandably needs for the marriage to work does not by default mean that she wants to be with the OM. A WSs life is also thrown into turmoil at dday, not just the BSs, and it sounds to me as if she has not got any real certainty of what she wants. Just because she still loves the OM, don't assume she actually wants - or ever wanted - to be with him. 3
road Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 I've told her that I love her enough to let her go if it will make her happier. I even offered to get his number but she's said she doesn't want that, she wants us to go back to normality. It's very confusing but at least she's starting open up to me. I've told her numerous times so it's not like I haven't given her the opportunities. I'm confused. Your WW is going through withdrawal for the OM. Normal. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It is a step by step guide to recover your marriage.
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 12, 2014 Author Posted January 12, 2014 Your WW is going through withdrawal for the OM. Normal. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It is a step by step guide to recover your marriage. I think that was the book I ripped in half during one of our arguments, was pretty good book, what I managed to read. 1
peruano99 Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 I hope for both of your sakes, you two separate from each other.
Author Fredflintstone Posted January 13, 2014 Author Posted January 13, 2014 So your soon to be ex doesn't want to be with you or the OM now? Strange. She actually regrets ever meeting him, both our children know enough about what happened that neither would be happy if she got with him. My oldest hates him with a passion and blames him for most of it. He feels this guy actively persued my wife, knowing what it would do to us and our extended family. He had it happen to him twice and given his seedy background that just reinforces that view. My youngest wouldn't want to go there as " he's basically the reason you are leaving ". I can also see the effects of all of the affair business on him, his behaviour and demeanor have changed. She MIGHT do, I guess, but she bitterly regrets it all. If she does then he can deal with her life "issues " and other health problems, best of luck to him, I say. No doubt she'll think over all what has happened already and be severely depressed anyway, if I still know anything about her, he can deal with that too. It took two years for me to find out she suffered with clinical depression, he knows nothing of her mental health issues as he only ever saw the best of her. I guess we'll see, my problem now is planning and building a new life for myself, I'll leave here with nothing as I can't take all my life's possessions as there will not be enough room. I guess I'll just have to man up and crack on, maybe I'll see some of you on the singles forum in a few months if everything goes the way it seems to be. Everything has become disturbingly calm since we've decided to end it, much more open and amicable, even laughing and joking, weird but hey ho, I guess. 1
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