How to encourage him to ask me out.

[the_entertainer1]

Ok - so I know you can't make someone ask you out. But what can I do to encourage this guy to ask me out?

 

I met him at a NYE party - he's my friend's sister's friend. We had a pretty good night and though we didn't kiss at midnight or anything, we talked for ages. He left to drop his friends home, but was coming back to pick up another friend who had passed out. He did return and we spent a while more talking until I was nearly falling asleep. When we said goodbye/happy new year, we hugged and he asked if I wanted to catch up again. I said yes; we exchanged numbers. I woke yesterday morning to see he'd added me on Facebook. Later on in the day he texted me and we had a back and forth conversation.

 

I liked him and would be interested in getting to know him a bit better. We're not really in the same social circle and are most likely to communicate through text for now. Do I wait for him to text me again (I'm not really a game-player though) or text him? I'd prefer to let him make the first move in terms of suggesting we catch up. If I do text him, I want to write something more interesting than "hi" or "how are you?" Any suggestions?

 

I also have a few pics from NYE that I have yet to upload to Facebook. Perhaps putting them up and tagging him would 'inspire' him?

[OpheliaSong]

Don't play games...just be yourself and try to not be too enthusiastic until you get to know him better. Maybe if you text just be casual and say something like I really enjoyed our chat the other night. So fun. Or something like that.

Be patient and try not to overthink this or rush it. Guys are a little more laid back at asking people out and moving forward in general. It doesn't mean he is not interested, just wired differently than women.

[Vogeltron]

Seriously? You do not sound like you are in your early 20's. Ask him out for coffee or something semi informal and go from there.

 

As a dude if you do that and he says no he is not interested. If he says yea and don't respond much he is probably one of the shy type which is something else. But none the less.

 

If you value your time, I would ask this guy out. Otherwise cut your losses and move on.

 

If he is some jerk-off then tell him that. Move on to bigger and better things.

[the_entertainer1]

Seriously? You do not sound like you are in your early 20's. Ask him out for coffee or something semi informal and go from there.

 

I haven't had that much dating experience, which may make me seem younger than my age. (I have been told that I'm beautiful, hot, etc., I'm intelligent and have a good job - my friend suggested I might intimidate some guys, and I admit I'm quite fussy).

 

In the past month or 5 weeks I've been on four dates with two different guys. They initiated. I didn't hear from the first guy after the second date. The second guy said he'd like to see me again when we were on our second date but texted me two days later saying he didn't think I was the one for him. I didn't feel much chemistry with the first guy but thought here was potential with the second.

 

Anyway, I just thought I'd ask for opinions and approach things differently in an attempt to have a better success rate!

[Grumpybutfun]

As a man, I can honestly say I used to enjoy getting asked out before I was married. Have something concrete in mind like coffee or dessert and clear your schedule. Men like to be asked out too. From what you wrote, he sounds interested in getting to know you better.

G

[salparadise]

I'd prefer to let him make the first move in terms of suggesting we catch up. If I do text him, I want to write something more interesting than "hi" or "how are you?" Any suggestions?

 

I know that women like for a guy to go into hot pursuit mode, but the reality is that notion leaves you sitting passively with an expectation that he will behave exactly as you imagine things should be. If he liked you then he's probably wondering if you'd accept, thinking he needs to propose the perfect plan, or any number of things that present mental barriers... you can remove all of this inertia by simply suggesting that you get together for a drink, a meal, a walk or whatever. It will relieve the pressure, show him you're confident, interested and not worried about old 20th century protocols.

 

It's perfectly acceptable. I had a woman email me a few days ago following up on a chance meeting in the grocery store (we had met months before). I appreciated it and I responded positively. Nothing would likely have happened otherwise because I didn't quite understand that she was actually interested as opposed to just being sociable. My initial feeling was that she's out of my league (not that I really believe in that) but apparently she doesn't think so or doesn't believe in it either. But the bottom line is that she put herself out there just a little and it was exactly the right thing to do.

[PegNosePete]

If you don't want to ask him out because of some outdated social norms or fear of rejection. then why not just say, hey Mike you know if you asked me out I would say yes.

[the_entertainer1]

Good news, everyone! He texted me tonight and asked if I wanted to get together for dinner and drinks! I wasn't playing games, but figured if he really wanted to see me, he'd ask me out. Happily for me, he did

[Eternal Sunshine]

Good news, everyone! He texted me tonight and asked if I wanted to get together for dinner and drinks! I wasn't playing games, but figured if he really wanted to see me, he'd ask me out. Happily for me, he did

 

I was going to say ask him out for coffee but I am glad he got there first

[d0nnivain]

If you can't work up the courage to ask him out, drop hints about a movie you'd like to see.

 

 

I met a man at a singles' event. We got to talking. It turns out he needed my professional services so we had more of a work conversation then a true flirt but there was some chemistry. As I was leaving I handed him my card & said I'd be happy to help with his problem but I'd be happier if he called for a non-work related reason.

 

 

A few days later he called & asked me for dinner. At dinner, he confessed that if I hadn't said that he never would have called.

 

 

Sometimes people need a little nudge. Having to work up the courage to ask is tough to risk the fear of rejection. If you can somehow communicate that his advances would be welcome it allays fears.

 

 

You could also try the junior high school route & tell your friend to tell her sister . . . etc. that you like him.

[Frank2thepoint]

Good news, everyone! He texted me tonight and asked if I wanted to get together for dinner and drinks! I wasn't playing games, but figured if he really wanted to see me, he'd ask me out. Happily for me, he did

 

Emphasis mine. Sigh, this is an example of you indeed playing games.

[Versacehottie]

Emphasis mine. Sigh, this is an example of you indeed playing games.

 

I don't agree. Why should the girl do most of the work? That usually doesn't end well and sets a pattern that may not work for her in a relationship. Most guys don't like a girl that chases or forces things. And if she likes a guy that has more traditional outlook, then she is 100% right. I'm all for giving out a ton of signals that let him know you are interested and would say yes. And planting seeds that give him some ideas of what to ask you to do. Guys know what to do when they are interested. In her scenario included.

[GemmaUK]

Good news, everyone! He texted me tonight and asked if I wanted to get together for dinner and drinks! I wasn't playing games, but figured if he really wanted to see me, he'd ask me out. Happily for me, he did

 

Yay!

 

I actually asked out the man I was with for 14 years..

It was only a casual night with two friends of mine and he said he was un likely to make it as he was playing badminton after work....then my friends spotted a gorgeous man walk in with a sports bag..and a change of clothes (he had gone to work in a suit, packed a gym bag and also packed clothes for a night out...the venue was out in the sticks and he didn't drive..he made a damn good effort!)....hehe!

 

If you like him on date night ...invite him for another day/night date.

Then you will not be left wondering. Communication...so works!

 

Really pleased for ya!! Whoop!

[Frank2thepoint]

I don't agree. Why should the girl do most of the work? That usually doesn't end well and sets a pattern that may not work for her in a relationship. Most guys don't like a girl that chases or forces things. And if she likes a guy that has more traditional outlook, then she is 100% right. I'm all for giving out a ton of signals that let him know you are interested and would say yes. And planting seeds that give him some ideas of what to ask you to do. Guys know what to do when they are interested. In her scenario included.

 

How, praytell, is the woman doing most of the work? Based on the_entertainer1 information, the guy initially texted her, the guy added her on Facebook, and finally, the guy asked her out on a date. Only work the_entertainer1 did was worry if the guy is interested or not, while reinforcing outdated notions that the man needs to make the move.

 

Also, what's wrong with the woman initiating a date? Unfortunately for your assumption, I am not like most guys and would appreciate a woman taking a little initiative to remove the pressure of being the initiator. I consider such a noble move endearing.

[Versacehottie]

How, praytell, is the woman doing most of the work? Based on the_entertainer1 information, the guy initially texted her, the guy added her on Facebook, and finally, the guy asked her out on a date. Only work the_entertainer1 did was worry if the guy is interested or not, while reinforcing outdated notions that the man needs to make the move.

 

Also, what's wrong with the woman initiating a date? Unfortunately for your assumption, I am not like most guys and would appreciate a woman taking a little initiative to remove the pressure of being the initiator. I consider such a noble move endearing.

 

Ok, perhaps a bad choice of words in her particular case however:

a)mutual interest showed by both, so in my eyes it's equal there

b)if she takes the big leap to be the one to ask him out or force the date that he already suggested, then she is doing more. I think you have to let a guy follow through in his own time frame and with his own promises otherwise it's a short term gain.

 

I don't think anything is horribly wrong with the woman initiating the date provided it comes up more organically and full of confidence; more toward the very beginning of knowing someone. I definitely know many cases where it's is cute, fine, etc. If you feel like he won't have the courage to ask or are making some sort of excuse to yourself of why he hasn't yet to convince yourself to pick up the slack, it's not a good omen.

 

I'm curious (honestly, not being mean) if is more than it just being endearing, that you find ideal about this arrangement. If so, would you care to expand?

 

In any case, I definitely don't think it's game playing on OP's part to operate within known dating norms. Outdated or whatever, it works for many/most people (and worked for her) and also was comfortable & happier about the outcome.

[Frank2thepoint]

to establish first that the guy did majority of the work, from suggesting wanting to catch up, to him adding her to Facebook, him texting her later in the day after Facebook, and finally the guy texting to establish a dinner date. There any initiation going on by the girl.

 

 

b)if she takes the big leap to be the one to ask him out or force the date that he already suggested, then she is doing more.

 

Since the guy did all the initiation (which are clear indicators that he is interested), how would she be forcing the date? Why is it just his sole responsibility to establish a date?

 

 

I don't think anything is horribly wrong with the woman initiating the date provided it comes up more organically and full of confidence

 

The only thing organic in this thread is the outdated gender roles. As I established in the beginning of this thread, the guy did all the work, while the girl was fretting how she can tease or invoke the guy to do more work by asking her out. Let's pretend if the guy did not send the text for a dinner date. I can predict that the girl would be a nervous wreck trying to figure out subtle ways to hint at her interest, meanwhile still overlooking the simplest solution of just contacting him and asking him out. To boot, if he would of not responded or agreed to the girl's suggestion for a date, at least she would have evidence that he's not interested. But luckily for her, the guy followed through.

 

 

I'm curious (honestly, not being mean) if is more than it just being endearing, that you find ideal about this arrangement. If so, would you care to expand?

 

Having the woman ask me out relieves the pressure of the expectation that I as a man have do the work of getting a date. It is also considerate and instills confidence that the woman is a team player, confident, understanding, caring, and compassionate. It would also show that the woman has genuine interest in me, therefore alleviating miscommunication and the discomforting feeling of rejection.

[married2school]

Normally, I've been pretty hesitant to ask a guy out because I'm pretty darn shy when it comes to dating.

 

For the first time I think ever, I asked out my current boyfriend… and I actually did it on Facebook. That sounds sort of bad I suppose, but he hadn't picked up on any of the times where I tried to get his number. I suppose, "Can I have your number?" is most affective, but like I said… I'm shy. I was asking him how his fall break was going and asked if he would like to go hiking with me when he got back into town. Totally ended up working out. We had a cute talk later about all the times we had tried to flirt with one another. It was all there… Just shy, sweet, and subtle.

[CrystalCastles]

I personally can ask a guy out, but it's so much more romantic when he asks me out. :love:

 

I'd feel flattered if the guy took the initiative to ask me out. Though of course I give many very obvious signals.

 

Very happy for you, OP! Hope you enjoy your date, and be yourself!

[the_entertainer1]

Having the woman ask me out relieves the pressure of the expectation that I as a man have do the work of getting a date. It is also considerate and instills confidence that the woman is a team player, confident, understanding, caring, and compassionate. It would also show that the woman has genuine interest in me, therefore alleviating miscommunication and the discomforting feeling of rejection.

 

I used to be a big supporter of asking guys out. I dated a guy for nearly six months last year (without it ever being 'official') and I was the main 'initiator'. I would almost always organise the dates. It was fine, but got a bit boring (which is why I let it fizzle out). Have you seen the movie "He's Just Not That Into You?" While many will say that it's just a movie, the more dates I go on, the more I'm coming to learn that it probably holds more truth than we give it credit for. As a woman, I think that if a guy doesn't call, doesn't ask me out, etc. - he either isn't interested in me, is lazy, or is very shy. None of these traits are very appealing to me! Yes, there are traditional 'gender roles' when it comes to dating, that men have to organise the date (at least the first one). Like you, my brother (aged 22) would rather a woman do the asking out. All my friends think he's hot but he's really shy so it would take a lot for him to ask a woman out. I understand that you think a woman asking you out alleviates pressure you feel - but women are typically attracted to those who are confident and 'brave'. And, I think that if a guy does take the initiative to ask a woman out, she will consequently show him how she can be "confident, understanding, caring, and compassionate"

 

So yes, personally, I want men to ask me out. Otherwise, I'll assume they're not interested. If I like a guy I will flirt with him and hint that I'd like to do something with him, but I always want him to suggest the actual 'date'. I don't think that by waiting for a guy to ask me out (and hence showing me that he has some interest in me) is "playing games". I show my interest in other ways (i.e. by flirting!)

 

I'm going to quote from another thread I recently started, which illustrates my point:

 

This book I once read (I got it for free in a show bag, ok?!) says that women should never 'chase' a guy, but always allow him to pursue her. It even contains 'rules' about when and how to contact him after he contacts you.Basically, it states that if a woman makes the first move, is always available, contacts the guy whenever she feel like it, etc. (in the early stages of dating, anyway), then he'll get bored because it's too 'easy' to 'get' her.

 

At first I thought it was a load of nonsense, but when you think about it - it makes sense. I'm sure not all guys are like that, wanting the thrill of "the chase", but don't you think that when you want something (this relates to anything in life, really), you appreciate it so much more if you've had to wait/work for it? It builds anticipation and excitement. I'm not advocating for "game playing" for the sake of it. I'm not even advocating for "game playing". I just think that men and women have different ways of showing interest in each other.

[Monm82]

If the woman asks the man out, you really know she's interested.

[Eternal Sunshine]

If the woman asks the man out, you really know she's interested.

 

.....or she is really bored

[Frank2thepoint]

I dated a guy for nearly six months last year (without it ever being 'official') and I was the main 'initiator'. I would almost always organise the dates. It was fine, but got a bit boring (which is why I let it fizzle out).

 

You were unlucky to have dated a lazy guy, who just took you for granted for initiating all dates. I can only speak for myself, but I've never gotten lazy, even if the woman initiated the first date or organized others. It takes two to tango.

 

 

Yes, there are traditional 'gender roles' when it comes to dating, that men have to organise the date (at least the first one). Like you, my brother (aged 22) would rather a woman do the asking out.

 

I never said I prefer the woman to do the asking out. It's completely situational. A few months ago I asked a girl out for a date, she declined. Weeks later, she asked me out. I agreed and had three dates with her. The second date I initiated, and the third one was mutual but I made the initial suggestion. I did not take her for granted, I did not get lazy. Every person will approach initiating a date differently, but when you rely on traditional gender roles for dating, you fall back on the murky waters of expectation, where upon you increase your chances of disappointment and lack of appreciation what the other person is doing.

 

For your situation, I suggested for you to take a little initiative, since both of you knew there was mutual attraction. I don't think there would of been any fallout or risking of scaring him away by you asking him out. But it's a moot point, he asked you out regardless.

 

 

This book I once read (I got it for free in a show bag, ok?!) says that women should never 'chase' a guy, but always allow him to pursue her. It even contains 'rules' about when and how to contact him after he contacts you.Basically, it states that if a woman makes the first move, is always available, contacts the guy whenever she feel like it, etc. (in the early stages of dating, anyway), then he'll get bored because it's too 'easy' to 'get' her.

 

No. Just no. That message is just digging the grave even deeper. When you think there are 'rules' in dating, you resign to expectations, and taking the other person for granted. Here's an all too common scenario. Man and woman meet, man asks woman out, woman agrees, man gets woman's number. Man contacts woman few days later to confirm date, woman claims she can't make it and does not offer to reschedule. Man chases woman, asks for another time, woman plays hard to get to indulge man's chase and abide by 'rules' of dating, insouciantly offers another day. Man contacts woman a day or two before date, woman doesn't reply.

 

Now to be fair, this scenario has happened to women that pursued the men. At the core of this argument, the problem lies with the individuals. But the 'rules' of this book you referenced just exasperate the issue, continually keep the rift between men and women wide, making dating a daunting endeavor.

 

 

I'm sure not all guys are like that, wanting the thrill of "the chase", but don't you think that when you want something (this relates to anything in life, really), you appreciate it so much more if you've had to wait/work for it?

 

Since you feel that men should do the initiating and chasing, by this question you posed, you just placed power into the man. How? Because if the man is relegated to pursue, he can decide when to stop the pursuit, even at a whim without rhyme or reason. I say this from first-hand experience. Sometimes, the chase for a man is just too damn exhausting.

[Onethirtyeight]

I'm sure not all guys are like that, wanting the thrill of "the chase", but don't you think that when you want something (this relates to anything in life, really), you appreciate it so much more if you've had to wait/work for it? It builds anticipation and excitement. I'm not advocating for "game playing" for the sake of it. I'm not even advocating for "game playing". I just think that men and women have different ways of showing interest in each other.

 

"The chase" irritates the hell out of me. If I feel like I'm having to jump through any artificial hoops or that she's holding back I'm going to bail. I'm not going down that road again. I've been in two relationships like that and I wasted too much time on them.

[Keenly]

Seriously next time.. just ask the guy out.

 

We like yo feel admired and desired too....

 

 

If your going to sit there and do nothing next time this happens don't be surprised if nothing happens. You got lucky this time.