Monodare1 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Hi guys Happy new year to you all. I'm looking for some guidance. As you may have read, the stbxw has met someone and to be honest I was gutted I've been so quickly replaced. There was no way back for us before hand anyway but I still feel really hurt and nervous about the effect the new guy will have on our little 3 year old boy. I'm interested to find out how to learn to become detached from the ex, to learn how to separate emotions from the business of selling our house. How do you get there? Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I'd love to hear answers to this too. I dread the day that my daughter comes home from the ex's place and tell me that he finally introduced to her the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 This is my first marriage so never had to deal with an issue like this before, never had to sell a house, never been divorced. It's all very new and very scary. The stbxw's mother has done this twice before (I should have seen the warning signs really) but I have little or no frame of reference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Whereas the stbxw will Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I'm going through it now and I don't think there is a handbook. As for dealing with the STBXW and her introducing your child very quickly to another man, I've stopped trying to fight it because I've come to the realization I cannot control what my STBXW does. If I try to fight her on it, I know she'll dig her heels in further and do it anyways. So I just focus on my daughter during the times I have her. Kids are smart and they'll figure out if one parent is trying to be manipulative. As for actually getting divorced, you should just make up a list of what you exactly want so it's clear in your head. Your STBXW might be amicable during this part of the process and you may actually agree in advance of how to divide everything up. If not, you'll need to get a lawyer, but the list will help you there as well. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 The only way to do it is to not muck around. Don't put up with bad behaviour. Don't talk about anything not related to the house. Keep it totally business-like. And get it all signed and sealed ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I'm interested to find out how to learn to become detached from the ex, to learn how to separate emotions from the business of selling our house. How do you get there? We happened to have MC prior to getting divorced and I found the tools learned in there, ostensibly to make the M healthier, also served well to promote health while divorcing, essentially teaching different ways of processing the emotions relevant to actions involved in the D, like in your case selling your marital home. Short of death, divorce is likely the most traumatic emotional event most will go through in life. IMO, accept that it will be a trauma and that part of life is going through it. Take each day as it comes and focus on one success, one positive, for each day. That was a tool I learned in MC. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 What concerns me is the lies and smoke screen. For months the stbxw had been telling me she and her mum were going to take on the mortgage and that she had arranged with her lawyer to draft a separation agreement, then she did a 360 and has told me her step father has done necessary alterations to the house for prep for sale and no separation agreement has materialised. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 It just seems all a pack of lies. Then while I have our son at the weekend, she will be using that to her advantage by going out with her new boyfriend. There seems no justice and while she will no doubt have the support of this boyfriend, j will be struggling on alone with no possibility or time for myself to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 In my jurisdiction, the more valuable the home is on the day of divorce filing, the more capital there is to be divided, regardless of who contributed to the capital asset, if the asset is marital property. This was actually part of the strategy my lawyer and I worked out, impoverishing my main real estate holdings and puffing up jointly held real estate that I wasn't interested in but my exW was, in essence 'steering' any pretensions to greed away from what I wanted to preserve after the divorce. Seeing this as a business maneuver, something I dealt with every day and had learned to do dispassionately, meaning without care for the adversary, was enormously helpful in processing emotions. Essentially, exW became a business adversary and in my brutal business, that's something to deal with and move on. It's a process, changing one's way of thinking of a certain person from one 'type' of person to 'another'. Such can help with detachment. TBH, and to afford credit where credit is due, my exW was a great teacher. She was very good at detaching. I learned a lot from her and thank her for that. Perhaps one day you'll feel the same way. Perhaps not. In any event, you'll move on. Time stops for no one until they're dead. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 It just seems all a pack of lies. Then while I have our son at the weekend, she will be using that to her advantage by going out with her new boyfriend. There seems no justice and while she will no doubt have the support of this boyfriend, j will be struggling on alone with no possibility or time for myself to move on. Join the club. (P.S. There's no membership fee because we can't afford it anyways). It will be a hard transition, but you need to stop thinking about her, what she's doing, and what she's thinking. You will drive yourself mad and it serves no purpose. Focus on yourself and your son. The way I looked at it, I now have one less person I have to worry about now (no STBXW). It's just me and my daughter I have to focus on and make sure we're going to be OK. I've spent a lot of time figuring out way to do things for a lot less money, but you'd be surprised when you focus how many ways you can save a few bucks here and there. My STBXW is doing the exact same thing. Never paid a bill for the last 5 years and moved immediately in with one of the OM. Now he's supporting her. And I love it! He can have all of her. When you don't have your son, get out and do things for yourself. Enjoy that freedom and don't feel bad you're living the single life for a couple of days. I know this past week I let myself slip back into depression a bit. Wasn't getting out enough. So last night I just decided to get out, hit the gym, and felt my attitude do a total 180. And the last thing I'll say is, don't think your STBXW is living the high life with her new boyfriend. I can guarantee you that although it looks like sunshine and rainbows from the outside, real life is weighing down on both of them now that they have to have a real relationship together with the responsibilities of a child. Stay strong my friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 The worst part is, that when I have to contact her, to arrange FaceTime with my son or discuss drop offs or pick ups, it makes me feel an overwhelming feeling of disgust. I can't even look at her when she drops my son off. I'm disgusted that she's moved on so quickly and is in all likelygood planning to introduce the new guy to my 3 year old son. She only been dating him a short time. It seems she has little regard for our son either. It's bad enough that his daddy had to leave without bringing someone else into his little life so quickly. Just makes my blood boil. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 The worst part is, that when I have to contact her, to arrange FaceTime with my son or discuss drop offs or pick ups, it makes me feel an overwhelming feeling of disgust. I can't even look at her when she drops my son off. I'm disgusted that she's moved on so quickly and is in all likelygood planning to introduce the new guy to my 3 year old son. She only been dating him a short time. It seems she has little regard for our son either. It's bad enough that his daddy had to leave without bringing someone else into his little life so quickly. Just makes my blood boil. I hear you. As hard as it is, you'll need to keep your disdain for your STBXW under wraps. Saying anything infront of your son will only do damage as you and your STBXW are the two most important people in his life. You can't say anything to your STBXW, because I'm sure she'll just become petty. She does have less regard for what is best for your son and is being selfish. But you cannot control what she does, so don't let it consume you. Vent away on here, but just limit all your interaction with your STBXW as much as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I have no idea how long it will take. My divorce was final in 4 months. (As 1 week before Xmas) I could have dragged it out, etc. but at this point, just let it go. But becoming detached is a whole different ballgame. I literally can't get it out of my head. Maybe it's because we have continued to talk and have _____ the whole time. I don't know. All I know is that during Xmas I tried to stay busy, but was completely miserable. NYE was worse knowing that all of our friends had a party, and we both stayed at home, except she has the kids. Problem is that SHE has never been by herself. I've had to move, start over, and live by myself and it completely sucks, if I'm being honest with myself. I would be lying to say "I'm getting detached".....because I'm still stuck in neutral. I can go out with other women, etc., but I'd be lying to them for me to even attempt to move on, because I can't get detached enough. Everyone keeps saying that you'll move on and become more detached, but on holidays and special nights, I'm stuck. I don't resent her for all this happening, just miss my family and what I had. I look at all of our mutual friends who still speak to both of us, and it really just sucks. I am dreading the day another dude comes into her life. I've been cool and calm, but if another guy showed up at our house, or at one of my kid's games, or whatever, I will probably lose my cool. I feel for you man, I'm dreading it myself but know that it will happen. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I am dreading the day another dude comes into her life. I've been cool and calm, but if another guy showed up at our house, or at one of my kid's games, or whatever, I will probably lose my cool. I feel for you man, I'm dreading it myself but know that it will happen. Make sure you communicate that with your ex. Mine has already moved in with her OM and I've told her explicitly: - He is never to come to my house for drop off or pick up or anything - He is never to come to any events that I will be or could be attending - He is not allowed to post or "like" anything of your on Facebook - He is never to contact me or even be in the same room when I call our daughter to say goodnight I told her in time I may change my mind about these things, but for right now, these are my list of demands. So far they are being respected. Link to post Share on other sites
K Os Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) The worst part is, that when I have to contact her, to arrange FaceTime with my son or discuss drop offs or pick ups, it makes me feel an overwhelming feeling of disgust. I can't even look at her when she drops my son off. You're not alone in this. I actually went through mediation with my stbxw without making eye contact with her at all. In the same room. She even complained that I wouldn't look her in the eye. But, just like you, I was filled with disgust for her and what she was doing to all our lives. I was also totally focused on controlling my own feelings in order to get business done. So I looked out of the window as we negotiated. I had to leave the room once, so as not to lose my temper with her, which I did calmly and politely. All this shook her quite a bit. There's nothing like being fully in control of yourself for making these despicable entities tremble in their shoes. I agree with others about your son and his time with her - you can't control any of what happens during that time, so forget it and do something else. The only thing you can do here is try to maximize the time he spends with you instead. It's worth fighting hard for this, legally or just by negotiation. Get as much time as you possibly can and then you can forget the rest, knowing that you've done all you could. As your boy grows he will learn by example, yours and hers. Over time he will choose different elements of what each of you teach him, and carry this forward into his own adult life. So behave well and decide what you want him to learn As for emotional detachment and how to achieve that, I think it's different for everyone. Of course it's not something you planned for, and nobody knows how to do it when they don't want to. That's why this is all so painful. From my own experience, I'll say the disgust and rage you're feeling now will help you towards detachment. Her behaviour has led you to feel these things, and a loving partner doesn't inflict those wounds. You don't want to look at her. You're starting to detach already. Just go with the process. There comes a tipping point where you realise you genuinely are better off without that kind of person in your life. You'll get there. Edited January 2, 2014 by K Os 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Make sure you communicate that with your ex. Mine has already moved in with her OM and I've told her explicitly: - He is never to come to my house for drop off or pick up or anything - He is never to come to any events that I will be or could be attending - He is not allowed to post or "like" anything of your on Facebook - He is never to contact me or even be in the same room when I call our daughter to say goodnight I told her in time I may change my mind about these things, but for right now, these are my list of demands. So far they are being respected. Rt is spot on with this one by laying down boundaries and guidelines. I demonized mine early on and as childish as it may have been it helped; I stopped after a few months. At least my friends got some good laughs with the comments. I stopped taking calls as well, I would wait for a text or a voice mail instead. This gave me time to mull things over rather than react to her BS. Also, I would suggest disconnecting from ANY social media, FaceBook used to drive me bat-sh#$ crazy. Also, do stuff to get out of your own head, I used to sit around and mope but quickly got some new hobbies and things to do to help keep my mind away from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 To be honest, she started a new FB page after we broke up and I immediately blocked her name from FB so that she would have no access to me. The only way I have contact with her is to arrange pick up or drop off of our son or call her to FaceTime our son. I have no further contact other than that. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 To be honest, she started a new FB page after we broke up and I immediately blocked her name from FB so that she would have no access to me. The only way I have contact with her is to arrange pick up or drop off of our son or call her to FaceTime our son. I have no further contact other than that. That is perfect. It will take some time, but keep that level of contact and you'll break out of the funk. Link to post Share on other sites
K Os Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 My own limit is having all communication in writing, and that's worked for me so far. Text and email only, no calls and no conversation. I only set eyes on her by the lottery of living in the same town, and I avoid hearing her voice. This has all helped with detachment. It sounds bats, but it needed to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) I wish I could do that, but now that the house is going to need to be sold, I will have to go to the estate agent that dealt with us buying the house to sell it which is based out where she lives and as she is the joint owner, I don't really have a choice but be In contact with her. I may even have to attend the estate agent with her, which I'm really dreading. Edited January 3, 2014 by Monodare1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts