stillafool Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 New to this forum and need some advice / support please!! Apologies in advance for the long story... I am a married woman (please dont judge me) and last year was going through a bad patch in my marriage (no intimacy, conversation, connection etc). I met a great guy through a mutual friend (my colleague) and we quickly became very close, and started spending lots of time together. I had never cheated on my husband in all the 15 years we've been together, but the connection with this guy was so intense and I fell for him hard. We ended up seeing each other and sleeping together regularly and I was seriously considering leaving my husband for him as I felt that strongly. He then ended things with me after a few months, saying he couldnt handle the situation and wanted to be single (he had never had a relationship last over 6 months and is openly commitmentphobic). I was devestated and ended up telling my husband about my affair and went on a break to get my head together. I suffer from depression and anxiety which got much worse at this stage. I eventually made things up with my husband and moved back home.The mutual "friend" that introduced us turned on me quite dramatically, as was his closest female friend and perhaps resented how close we had become. She would continually tell me things about him chasing other girls to try and hurt me. However, me and this guy had kept in contact regularly via text and email and as my feelings were still so strong I couldnt help replying and hoping he really cared and that one day might be together. We said we would keep our conversations a secret from the mutual "friend" as she clearly didnt like us talking and was getting nastier and nastier with me, until after a row (over him) she told me I had made the biggest mistake of my life and she would destroy me. After months of texts and emails our affair restared again for a few weeks, until again he ended it telling me he loved me but couldnt handle the situation (although he knew that if he asked me to leave my husband I would have done). He continued to stay in touch and he knew how much I loved him and would do anything for him, but said he always freaked out when relationships got close and knew he's never have a long term serious relationship due to his commitment issues. Months later, I found out through the mutal "friend" who was still not talking to me that he now had a girlfriend. I was absolutely heartbroken, had long conversation with him as felt like he'd kept me on the back burner until he found someone better and that he onbs didnt think I was good enough. He told me what an amazing girl I am and if I wasnt married we'd be together but that this situation is better all round. I cut contact with him and deleted him from facebook as I said I couldnt handle seeing him with someone else, but explained that I still loved him and we left things on a nice note. Months later, I still wasnt over him but hadnt contacted him at all so was getting a bit easier. I then found out that this friend / colleague had a family bereavement, so I thought I would be the bigger person and offer the olive branch of friendship again. She seemed to accept this and we started talking, and she asked me about this guy and when we had last been in contact. I stupidly trusted her and told her the whole story, that we had been in contact the whole time, had restarted things but he ended it as wanted to be single and that I was gutted he now had a girlfriend. I told her to please not let this cause arguments between them as I had told him not to tell her as we had fallen out. Weks later, on Christmas day, I was drunk and wistful and thinking about him and sent him a text saying merry christmas babe xxx. He read and ignored this. I then realised that this mutual "friend" may have given him a distorted version of what I had told her, so a few days later i text him again saying I hope he wasnt ignoring me cus he thought id said something against him as I never would, would never forget him and hope hes well and happy and how lucky his girlfriend is. He then replied the next night saying "I didnt reply as id heard your lies about us. I couldnt believe that you would have said it but now, reading your 2nd message I know you did. What you said to *mutual friend* is f*cked up and dont want any more guilt tripping conversations so best we never speak ever again. Our relationship is 100% over.Hope you can move on in your life" He now wont reply to any of my messages and thinks im a crazy liar!! Im devestated that its been left like this as ive always been good to him and never lied to him once! Is there any way I can try and repair this? Will he look back and remember the good times or have her lies completely ruined his perception of me for good? Dont know how to get over this as ended so nastily and so frustrating as cant prove my innocence! I had cut contact with him before (in a nice way) but now he has tured this on me and cut contact with me when Ive done nothing wrong and only text him merry christmas!! Help!!! Your friend really had nothing to do with him not wanting you anymore. He now has a gf he's really into and didn't want you to bother him anymore. He used your friend as an excuse to finally end contact with you. I'm sure what she told him was the truth and he knew this but he may not want his gf to know he was screwing around with a MW. Afterall, that doesn't make him look like an honorable man. If he wanted you he would have taken the opportunity to be with you when you initially left your husband, but he didn't. He never wanted to be in a relationship with you. The question here is why did you go back with your husband when you know you are not in love with him but another man? Why didn't you stay single and move on with your life rather than go back with a man you don't love? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I don't know what I want, especially not now. And have learned how easily he can walk away from me so has jolted me from seeing it through rosé tinted glasses. Just suppose I want him to remember me for how I actually am and the "good times" we had rather than it all being destroyed from this girls lies. Just want to know I did mean something to him cus rightly of wrongly he meant so much to me I don't believe it is the girl's lies. I have a feeling he wanted to cut the cord and this was his way of doing it without having to feel guilt. It was an easy way out for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 You may be right, he may be completely loved up with his new gf and have used this girls tales as an excuse to get rid of me. I don't think this is true for a few reasons tho, he has always maintained the bulk of the contact in the time we were talking, although I was more open and consistent with my feelings. And I had cut contact with him months ago, only sent him a merry Xmas message when was drunk and thinking of him. And the nature of this girl is very vindictive and hateful and she has boasted before about "destroying" ppl who have crossed her. He knows this about her, but seems to have chosen to believe her on this occasion which I really don't understand. And it's not that I don't love my husband at all, I do love him and he's a great man and would make a great father and never hurt me, I suppose I just missed that closeness and intimacy and long conversations etc that I had with this other man and his strong pursuit of me in the beginning won me over. Yes I'm a weak person and felt extreme guilt every time I saw him but couldn't stop myself cus wasn't strong enough and felt like it was "meant to be" cus my feelings were so strong. And he said he hated himself for not doing anything at the time when I split up with my husband, he did actually contact me during that time but I was do down and depressed and told him it would just f*ck with my head so best not to see him Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 As this posting appears to focus on the aftermath and/or continuation of an affair, moderation has moved it to the most appropriate forum. As always, civil and respectful discussion is encouraged. One member suspended and some minor editing performed as a result of a report to merge two similar threads. Please continue! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 It's been really helpful posting on here and reading people's opinions, just writing things down makes things clearer in mg head and seeing outsiders perspectives (nice or not so nice!) are all still helping me to make sense of things so thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) One poster said it best, be single and the perspective changes dramatically. Please, please resolve/end your M, then advise can change to find whomever the next chap will be. Edited January 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content retained Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 And it's not that I don't love my husband at all, I do love him and he's a great man and would make a great father and never hurt me, I suppose I just missed that closeness and intimacy and long conversations etc that I had with this other man and his strong pursuit of me in the beginning won me over. Yes I'm a weak person and felt extreme guilt every time I saw him but couldn't stop myself cus wasn't strong enough and felt like it was "meant to be" cus my feelings were so strong. And he said he hated himself for not doing anything at the time when I split up with my husband, he did actually contact me during that time but I was do down and depressed and told him it would just f*ck with my head so best not to see him Didn't your husband pursue you and ultimately show his love by asking for your hand in marriage? You don't even have kids as a reason to stay married, yet you let your husband suffer. How would you like it if your husband was in love with another woman or do you care about anyone other than yourself? About your friend, if she wanted to "f" up your life it wouldn't be telling the OM a bunch of garbage, she would tell your husband what you have been up to. That would "f" up your life. The OM more than likely doesn't care what you've been doing or saying because he is with someone else now. He just said those things to put the nail in the coffin. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) Been with him 15 years, faithful 13.5 - thats right i haven't "worked on my relationship" at all. Yes I was weak and succumbed after all that time as craved a connection and passion, I'm flawed and human like the rest of us I'm sure you are a nice person, but the "I'm only human" thing only goes so far. You were apparently with this person for nearly 15 years and you utterly betrayed him in every way, multiple times. That isn't just something you did by accident, you carried on this affair for a while. You chose to do this, and..surprise surprise, the guy you cheated with ends up dropping you for someone else. I am sorry if you are in pain, but you brought this upon yourself. I frankly do not care if your husband cried when you tried to leave him, if you wanted out that badly you should of gone through with it. You are not his mother, you didn't have to stay, but you did. There is really no excuse for not just leaving him if you were so into this other person. Consider how this behavior makes you look and then ask yourself if maybe that has something to do with why the guy you cheated with doesn't want you. Yeah, he is the one you cheated with, but in doing so you showed him how willing you are to utterly destroy someone you care about instead of doing the right thing. I hope you do get your life together, but you need to divorce your husband so he can has a chance to go find someone else. You might "love" your husband, but you are not in love with him. Let this guy move on please. Edited January 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical/conforming content retained 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 The nail was already in the coffin...I had defriended him on FB and not contacted him for over 3 months. I simply sent him a merry Xmas message. When we had last spoken was left on a good note. And he didnt just ignore me like he could have done if he really "just wanted rid" of me, he replied saying "I heard your lies, couldnt believe you'd said that etc. what you said is f*cked up so best we don't speak anymore" just seems strange to me, especially knowing the "friend" in question. I hadn't stalked or harassed him, we always got on so well and amazing connection so seems cruel how he's being now. And I had ready told my husband, he just didnt know we were still in contact. And to tell him would also be dropping her own friend in it so dont think she 'd do that (especially considering the number of affairs she's had!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) How many people are "in love" with their partners after 15 years? That's not a sarky response, I really want to know as have no comparison, so don't know whether I fell for the other guy 1. Because it was real love 2. Because I just missed the excitement, intimacy etc and was in a vulnerable place or 3. Its completely normal to not feel in love after so long or 4. Cus I'm a terrible person with no morals. I do feel bad and don't only think of myself, but you only know what I've posted here so fair enough you will judge me. But remember, let he without sin cast the first stone! I was not trying to restart the affair, I was extremely hurt over his it had ended and wanted to know how I could fix his damaged perspective of me so could look back and remember what we had. Edited January 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 OP What exactly are you hoping to read here? What outcome do you think you really, really want? Then me ask yourself, why is this the outcome I want. Keep asking yourself that question until you get to the real answers. G Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Thanks Grumpybutfun - think I need to seriously contemplate that question as I am extremely confused and don't know what I want. But helps to vent on here and get opinions Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I'm flawed and human like the rest of us As Spectre said stop using it as an excuse but i would go father to say it does not rate to be called an excuse. How many people are "in love" with their partners after 15 years? I am. Does it matter if none were though? Why does how many matter? Be the first! That's not a sarky response, I really want to know as have no comparison, so don't know whether I fell for the other guy 1. Because it was real love 2. Because I just missed the excitement, intimacy etc and was in a vulnerable place or 3. Its completely normal to not feel in love after so long or 4. Cus I'm a terrible person with no morals. You are experiencing lust, it is also biologically very strong. Real love endures and when it is down finds the energy to get back up and light the fire. I would say no, it is not normal to not feel love after so long. Time is not the context. Heck i have fought with my wife as early in the marriage as now 16 years later, moments of anger, numbness and so on through out but love endures when you have it and the fire this far in my marriage burns just as bright. My advise, don't normalize or rationalize based on what the "mob" does. Find comfort from within you and not the examples and mistakes of others. I do feel bad and don't only think of myself, but you only know what I've posted here so fair enough you will judge me. But remember, let he without sin cast the first stone! I am not sure you feel bad for the right reasons, and judgement is a very important part of our healing, it forces us to look in the mirror. I have been there and yes when it is my turn i will accept the judgment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 How many people are "in love" with their partners after 15 years? That's not a sarky response, I really want to know as have no comparison, so don't know whether I fell for the other guy 1. Because it was real love 2. Because I just missed the excitement, intimacy etc and was in a vulnerable place or 3. Its completely normal to not feel in love after so long or 4. Cus I'm a terrible person with no morals. I do feel bad and don't only think of myself, but you only know what I've posted here so fair enough you will judge me. But remember, let he without sin cast the first stone! Look, I'm not saying you are a terrible person with no morals. But you did treat a good man(your words not mine) like absolute ****. You certainly are not in love with this man, despite whatever excuses you want to try to justify behaving in such a way whilst still being in love. People who are in love who feel vulnerable, etc. whatever else you complained about, solve the situation via open communication, not via grinding genitals together with someone else. I think you can agree it is as simple as that right? So are you a terrible person overall? No, are you a terrible wife to your husband? Oh yes, many times yes. Let the poor guy go right now. Seriously, if you haven't already, go right this second and do it, why waste more of his life? Make this a late christmas present to him, let him find some happiness. If you want to ask my opinions about love I'd say you simply haven't found it yet, not true love anyways. Otherwise..well, we kinda wouldn't be here would we? So, let your husband go find someone better. As for yourself: find a guy who you truly want to be with and not one who will sleep with married women, etc. That's not the type of person you spend your life with, is it? Like I said, you aren't a terrible person, but yeah..you kinda did a terrible thing here so, the only way to make it right is to divorce your husband immediately, I do not care how much he cries, trust me when I tell you he will be thanking you in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Is there any way I can try and repair this? Will he look back and remember the good times or have her lies completely ruined his perception of me for good? Dont know how to get over this as ended so nastily and so frustrating as cant prove my innocence! I had cut contact with him before (in a nice way) but now he has tured this on me and cut contact with me when Ive done nothing wrong and only text him merry christmas!! Help!!! No. It is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Realist3 - why? What does he think I have done wrong then?? Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I was not trying to restart the affair, I was extremely hurt over his it had ended and wanted to know how I could fix his damaged perspective of me so could look back and remember what we had. Do you not see the problem with the fact that you seem to be more concerned about this other man and how he will see and remember you then the guy you have been married to for 15 years? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Thanks Grumpybutfun - think I need to seriously contemplate that question as I am extremely confused and don't know what I want. But helps to vent on here and get opinions WG You asked who after 15 years in still in love with their wife...well, I am. 20 years and I am still head over heels for her. When times got tough as they ultimately do over years and years of struggles and the mundane, we just made the decision that we both want the same things in life and we worked towards them. We grew together so we have the same values. You need to figure out what your values are, and I am not referring to morality but values such as honesty, integrity, faithfulness, joy, spiritual connectedness, passion for life and in the bedroom, etc. Define who you are and what you want and the picture of this affair will become a stepping stone towards your true compass rather than a dramatic blow to your ego and a detriment to your fragile spirit. Hang in there, you can find what your soul is seeking, Grumps 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Atreides - it's not an excuse, it is perhaps a reason. I do not claim to be the perfect specimen of humanity!! And you're very lucky, in not basing things on what "the mob" does, just how my feelings were in that one situation with one man who brought out a great deal if emotions in me. And yes I should have written off my whole 15 years marriage before even talking to him, or more specifically never spoke to him that much at all cus I am where I am now and it's not fun believe me. And maybe I do feel guilty for the right reasons...I'm sure there are many ppl you know that are good, caring, decent people that have been in my situation that you would never suspect, but that doesn't invalidate the whole rest of their character and the good they do in other situations cus they were weak, flawed (ok, that's obvs not strong enough, a complete and utter horrendous parasite!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Grumps -exactly and that's why u fell like I did when I met someone I felt was my spiritual, emotional and intellectual match...but I was wrong. I'm only here cus I'm hurting and want some help Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Spectre - yes I do see a problem with that. I wish I could switch off my feelings and take back what happened but I can't. I know I have got issues re abandonment, self esteem and depression and this is prob why it's affected me so much. I'm not a horrible person I just did a horrible thing:-( 2 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Grumps I met someone I felt was my spiritual, emotional and intellectual match...but I was wrong. I'm only here cus I'm hurting and want some help Are you sure you are not out of the A fog yet to be making statements about being wrong? You are feeling lust and the off and on of this A has not allowed you to truly come to terms with yourself objectively. You were not wrong with picking your H, he won you over 15 years ago and for whatever reasons you have now are blind to them... well you have given up and that "ship has sailed" at the moment.... sail free of the fog to get an objective take on what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Spectre - yes I do see a problem with that. I wish I could switch off my feelings and take back what happened but I can't. I know I have got issues re abandonment, self esteem and depression and this is prob why it's affected me so much. I'm not a horrible person I just did a horrible thing:-( I really do get it and I do know it hurts, but you do really need to tell your husband about this asap so he can begin moving on. I know it will hurt, but if you care about him in even the slightest..you'd want him to be with someone he is truly meant to be with right? Let him go so he can find that person. Then do some work on yourself and hopefully one day you'll find that person too. You are not a horrible person, you only become one if you continue to let this go on. Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Atreides - it's not an excuse, it is perhaps a reason. I do not claim to be the perfect specimen of humanity!! I never thought nor got that impression, but the point being is that don't use it as a shield. You are actually searching for the reasons... at least i hope. And you're very lucky, in not basing things on what "the mob" does, just how my feelings were in that one situation with one man who brought out a great deal if emotions in me. And yes I should have written off my whole 15 years marriage before even talking to him, or more specifically never spoke to him that much at all cus I am where I am now and it's not fun believe me. Well its not luck, it also has not always been rosy.... I would rather have you written instead of "writing off" your 15 year M to have tried to rebuild it. In other words you would have been in a place to talk to your H rather than another man. That said, you cant take it back so my advise stands, get clear of the fog so that you can feel and see this objectively. Also, tell your H, what may follow could help expedite finding the clearing from the fog. You owe it to yourself and H and if there is even a chance with this OM, it would make it a fair relationship rather than one in secret and on solid ground. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 I meant you're lucky to have found the perfect person for you. Maybe I expect others to do for me what I should do for myself - provide me with love and understanding. I know a marriage is hard work and am not making excuses, I'm just struggling with it cus sometimes feel so alone even when in the same room/bed as him. I have been trying to work through this for so long I just want to feel happy that's all. And now I feel so horrible cus the OM wants nothing to do with me and I'm not coping well. Thanks for everyone's replies, I really have taken them on board and hope I can be at peace with myself and accept what's happened and move forward with my life xx Link to post Share on other sites
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