Clay Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Shouldn't this have been posted in the OM OW forum? Since you are not in love with your husband why are you still with him? How does this not complicate your life further. You don't worry about if he finds out about your affair again? Why not leave him and move on and find someone you can focus on. You are never going to get a great guy while you are married and this guy you are in love with clearly is a loss cause. He knows your a cheater so hes never going to really give you his heart. That is why he trusted his friend over you. You have already proven to be a liar. Your better to be single and get counseling and honestly this little statement of "I am not perfect no one is" is a cop out. You need to really re look at you. I know I am not perfect but cheating has never been on my list of things I have done wrong. I think you need counseling. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 This thread was moved to this forum. The actual affair ended 8 months ago, I just hadn't been able to move on as had kept in contact and was still in love with him and now he's cut me off for no apparent reason. His friend had also proved herself to a liar time and time again, I had only "lied" in a much as I had an affair but I did tell my husband, just not that we'd stayed in contact so I suppose was an emotional affair the majority of the time. I'm not trying to use "I'm not perfect" ad a cop out, just the truth! And there's plenty of things I've never done cus I'm a nice person, I know you will all have your opinions but please don't judge, like I said it was the only affair in 15 years together and only cus I fell so hard I lost myself in it all and know its no excuse I just really thought he loved me too Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 was still in love with him oh honey, you do realize you were/are not in love with him nor he you. If you've read any about affairs you know that you were in love with the projection of yourself he mirrored back to you. Also, he never loved you, not if you weren't single. People who love each other don't put the ones they love in precarious positions where they are used. I've been there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Katielee - thanks for your message. "In love with the image of yourself he projected" I suppose I agree with that (but also that I felt /feel like I love him and no one else can compare), but now he's ended things so cruelly (the contact, not the affair) it's shaken how I feel about myself and what I must have meant to him. All I want at this stage is to know that what we had was real, I did mean something and he can remember the nights we stayed up talking, the passion and connection and not that he now thinks I'm a f*cked up liar cus this girl had destroyed his perception of me. I want to be able to move on and work on my marriage, but feel I can't move on knowing he thinks so badly of me based on lies 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 If you repair this love/friendship what do you hope to come of it? How will this help you with your husband? Whats the benifet of keeping him in the dark. Why not tell him and go be single. This way you can try to live some what of a healthy life. Never know your AP might see this as a way for him to have a relationship with you. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 OP - have you gone NC? That's at least the first thing you need to do. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 This dude is simply a playa'. He knew what to say and what to do to have some fun. He's not "commitment phobic", he just doesn't want to be stuck with one chick. You simply fell for a slickster and a womanizer. Most adult women learned that lesson in college a few times and grew wiser. Since you've been with your H since you were 17 you missed that lesson. He had his fun and moved on. I suggest you cut your losses and move on too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I want to be able to move on and work on my marriage, but feel I can't move on knowing he thinks so badly of me based on lies Skimmed here....have you tried professional counseling to address those specific issues, mainly tools to 'move on' and to address your ambivalence about factors outside of your control? If not, give it a shot. It might provide a baseline for marital recovery; if that isn't in the cards, at least an opportunity to get some closure to this period and move forward with your life. If you want to recover the M, figure a couple years work, at minimum. My advice, as a fOM and fMM, would be to clearly describe a plan to achieve a specific goal and then work it, day by day. Focus on one success per day, relevant to your plan. Your goal, and your plan, are up to you. Why not start today? Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 How many people are "in love" with their partners after 15 years? That's not a sarky response, I really want to know as have no comparison, so don't know whether I fell for the other guy 1. Because it was real love 2. Because I just missed the excitement, intimacy etc and was in a vulnerable place or 3. Its completely normal to not feel in love after so long or 4. Cus I'm a terrible person with no morals. I do feel bad and don't only think of myself, but you only know what I've posted here so fair enough you will judge me. But remember, let he without sin cast the first stone! I was not trying to restart the affair, I was extremely hurt over his it had ended and wanted to know how I could fix his damaged perspective of me so could look back and remember what we had. Some of us are. I have been married to my husband for 25 years. He had an affair many moons ago that last nearly four years. In spite of his little 'crab walk', we have always been affectionate, loving and happy together. Are we in love? Most definitely. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Carhill - yes I've had counselling may times over the years and CBT for the last 12mths and have improved from how I used to be (re concern with how others see me, how I see myself etc) and hopefully will help me recover from this. I just find it hard cus now I know he doesn't want me /believe that im not lying it's making me more desperate to prove my worth to him but I can't change his opinion of me now cus he won't reply to messages so have stopped trying. Oldshirt - I see why you say that and would help me to share that opinion it's just I don't think it's accurate, he is just a classic emotionally unavailable man (in my opinion) and has a pattern of freaking out when things get too close, and suppose as my feelings got stronger he got more scared. Clay - not sure what mending the friendship will achieve except giving me peace if mind that I meant something to him and he's not completely forgotten about all the "good times", but do understand that mending things will only keep the door open so prob is best to end things, just hate it being on such a bad note Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 That's not a sarky response, I really want to know as have no comparison, so don't know whether I fell for the other guy 1. Because it was real love 2. Because I just missed the excitement, intimacy etc and was in a vulnerable place or 3. Its completely normal to not feel in love after so long or 4. Cus I'm a terrible person with no morals. If you want to know if it's "real love", spend 15 years living with him through the ups and downs life presents any couple. At least then you'd be judging your husband on a level playing field. Your current comparison of a part-time affair to a marriage isn't fair to anyone - you included... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Mr Lucky - great response, thanks for helping me see things clearly...this is the kind of advice I need and what I need to keep reminding myself. I can't imagine my love for him would ever fade but then I didn't imagine that about my husband for the first 2/3 years or so... Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Clay - not sure what mending the friendship will achieve except giving me peace if mind that I meant something to him and he's not completely forgotten about all the "good times", but do understand that mending things will only keep the door open so prob is best to end things, just hate it being on such a bad note I understand its hard but you really have to stop and take care of you. I know this is hard to see but really your causing more pain for yourself. Some times you do have to strip some of the things in our lives to get back to being healthy. I think it sounds like your marriage is over with and if that is the case then end it. It will really take that pressure off and allow you more time to focus on you and healing your heart. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Do you think it's possible to recapture the connection, intimacy and passion in a marriage that has lost these things? Cus I do love my H (although not "in love") and I know he offers stability, a future family and would never hurt or leave me, I just really value having common interests, similar sense of humour, connected and passionate sex etc and not sure if those things can be created or if I can only have one or the other? Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 (edited) I think many people get confused with love, in love, lust(that high, butterfly feeling), and caring for someone. I'm in love with my husband but I don't get that new relationship with the butterflies in your stomach anymore. That is the honeymoon phase and it changes. For some people it makes them realize they care about the person but they don't love them. In others, the love changes to a deeper feeling. I learned this in my first marriage. When the newness faded I knew I didn't love him. It wasn't ILYBINILWY. I didn't love him, I cared about him. I still do after all these years. We were the wrong people for each other. Everytime I hear the I love him but I'm not in love with him, it always appears to me that they are thinking of the newness feeling of a relationship. That never lasts. Hopefully it goes to the deeper, richer love. Do you think it's possible to recapture the connection, intimacy and passion in a marriage that has lost these things? Cus I do love my H (although not "in love") and I know he offers stability, a future family and would never hurt or leave me, I just really value having common interests, similar sense of humour, connected and passionate sex etc and not sure if those things can be created or if I can only have one or the other? Yes, you can get those back. Edited January 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Do you think it's possible to recapture the connection, intimacy and passion in a marriage that has lost these things? Cus I do love my H (although not "in love") and I know he offers stability, a future family and would never hurt or leave me, I just really value having common interests, similar sense of humour, connected and passionate sex etc and not sure if those things can be created or if I can only have one or the other? oh yes, it is possible. How about starting a new or changing this thread to ideas in how that can happen instead of getting back or closure with your AP? Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I understand its hard but you really have to stop and take care of you. I know this is hard to see but really your causing more pain for yourself. Some times you do have to strip some of the things in our lives to get back to being healthy. I think it sounds like your marriage is over with and if that is the case then end it. It will really take that pressure off and allow you more time to focus on you and healing your heart. Clay I do. My grandparents lived and loved each other for 38 years until my grandfather passed. My grand mother actually had a break down when she was forty and shot and almost killed my grandfather. They got passed that and you could see the love they had for each other daily. I was raised by them. 15 years is along time to throw away because your confused now. It takes two to work on the marriage. Not just your husband but you have to make him feel alive too. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Carhill - yes I've had counselling may times over the years and CBT for the last 12mths and have improved from how I used to be (re concern with how others see me, how I see myself etc) and hopefully will help me recover from this. I just find it hard cus now I know he doesn't want me /believe that im not lying it's making me more desperate to prove my worth to him but I can't change his opinion of me now cus he won't reply to messages so have stopped trying. Cool. Why not task your counselor to work the primary issue you apparently are presenting, which is apparently desperation to correct alleged lies and your perception of his perception of you apparently resulting from them? Work to finish that business within yourself. You're in charge of that. You can choose to view these events differently than you are currently and process the feelings relevant to them differently. You're in control. One question and it's relevant to working unfinished business - are you working FOO (family of origin) issues in your therapy? If you are, and they stem from a young age, be aware such memories/emotions/triggers/reactions can be amongst the most difficult to alter processing of. If this dynamic with your fOM touches upon those issues, that could explain why it's hard to 'let it go'. You have a long union here. 15 years. A lot of water under the marital commitment bridge. Someone, a woman, pretty close to me, went through what you're currently going through and did, in time, process out her issues and recovered her M. The affair (with someone else) and process started over a decade ago. They'll be a silver next year. I still see the triggers in her but she works them well and I support that. You'll get there. Just work that plan, day by day. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Oldshirt - I see why you say that and would help me to share that opinion it's just I don't think it's accurate, he is just a classic emotionally unavailable man (in my opinion) and has a pattern of freaking out when things get too close, and suppose as my feelings got stronger he got more scared. Ok so either he is a slick talking player that schmoozes women into bed and then gives them a song and dance about being commitment phobic (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean) so they stay hooked and remain available for the next time he needs his tank drained - - or he really is a damaged dysfunctional lemon that is broken goods and incapable of a healthy, functional relationship. Take your pick. Which one sounds better? Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Ok so either he is a slick talking player that schmoozes women into bed and then gives them a song and dance about being commitment phobic (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean) so they stay hooked and remain available for the next time he needs his tank drained - - or he really is a damaged dysfunctional lemon that is broken goods and incapable of a healthy, functional relationship. Take your pick. Which one sounds better? exactly, but what wistfulgirl wants is to know she meant something to her AP, sad when it should be directed at her H but nonetheless that is the message i am getting. So i think she would go for the latter, being played is what she is trying to get passed. After all she almost left her H for this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 It appears the OP has a statement from her fOM which matches up with his actions, given that he moved on from the OP in short order to a new girlfriend: "He then ended things with me after a few months, saying he couldnt handle the situation and wanted to be single (he had never had a relationship last over 6 months and is openly commitmentphobic)." Re-reading the OP, the fOM sounds like a 'rubber band man', which matches up well with a classic commitment phobic person, and the OP has apparently accepted this as valid. All that remains is processing out the emotions surrounding the allegedly disparaging remarks spread about her and the fOM's apparent belief in them. Given that she apparently suffers from depression and anxiety, such emotions can be debilitating even if, to another person, it's a no-brainer to process out the specifics and move on. OP, good on ya for bringing this very personal matter to an open forum for discussion. That said, in my opinion, you'll be better served by one-on-one professional psychological counseling. One caution though - If you're in IC (individual counseling) for CBT, which is most likely, this type of counseling can be counterproductive to rebuilding your M, which is a lot more complicated than simply wanting to continue and H accepting that. Given the circumstances, once you have the tools to get past the specifics shared in your thread, I'd move on immediately to MC and get H involved. This is a team issue and it's vital to work it as a team. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) All I want at this stage is to know that what we had was real, I did mean something and he can remember the nights we stayed up talking, the passion and connection and not that he now thinks I'm a f*cked up liar cus this girl had destroyed his perception of me. I want to be able to move on and work on my marriage, but feel I can't move on knowing he thinks so badly of me based on lies Again: you need to stop worrying about what this scumbag who knowingly got with a married woman thinks of you..don't you see that? So I just have to ask: what ARE you going to do about your husband? Are you going to divorce him? Please kind of focus on the guy who matters and not the scum who used you for sex. I can tell you right now what this other guys fond memories of you are: the tons and tons of sex he had with you. It sounds mean and harsh, but that is it. If he had anything more he wouldn't be acting the way he is now towards you. Again: this is the person you betrayed your husband for. You need both of these men out of your lives, but for wildly different reasons. Until you realize that and stop worrying about what this other scumbag feels then nobody can help you. Edited January 3, 2014 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 How many people are "in love" with their partners after 15 years? If you are talking about the passionate connection you share with the other man, I don't know of anyone who feels that same "in love" "butterflies-in-the-stomach" feelings after 15 years that you feel at the start of a new relationship. If you are "with" each other "full-time" (not in an affair when you can't see each other frequently), that feeling generally will not last more than three years. If you left your husband for other man, that intense feeling would have became calmer also. It is possible that you would have a better marriage with other man than your husband, that you are a better match with other man than your husband, and that you would be happier long term with other man than your husband - but it is extremely unlikely you would continue to have those same intense feelings after three years of living together. That is a fairly normal progression in a relationship. You could still be happy, satisfied, content, even have some passion, but not consistently as intense as when you first start up. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Months later (even though we were still in contact) I found out that he now had a girlfriend! I was absolutely heartbroken as felt like he'd kept me on the back burner until he found someone better and that he obvs didnt think I was good enough. You felt like other man had kept you on the backburner? If your husband finds out the truth, how is he going to feel? Aren't you doing the same thing to your husband that other man is doing to you - putting him on the backburner until something better comes along? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 If you want that passion, you probably are better off being single. That way, when the "infatuation" phase wears off, you just break up and find a new guy to be infatuated with. If you want the other man - if you really feel he is the man for you - then go for him all out. Go to him, talk to him face to face, and explain your situation. Leave your husband, show him you are committing to him 100%. You are miserable now, can it get any worse? If it doesn't work out with other man, then you can seek out someone else more like him, with whom you have a stronger more passionate connection than your husband, and your husband likewise will be free to find someone more suited to him. What you are doing now is not fair to any of you - yourself, your husband, or even the other man. Stop hedging your bets and live the life you want. Link to post Share on other sites
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