Spectre Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) At this point it is unfortunately clear that she seems to care more about this other man's feelings then her husbands and..that truly bums me out. I wonder if this poor guy even has any clue. I truly do hope you put the poor guy out of his misery and just let him go. It really isn't fair. Let him move on with his life. The very worst thing a cheater can do is to continue to make the person they betrayed waste more of their life with them. It might sound dramatic, but you are kinda stealing their life away from them by doing this. Edited January 3, 2014 by Spectre 2 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) Divorce your husband so he can have a chance to be with a decent woman who can make him happy. You are clearly more in loved with the other man than your husband. You say you feel bad because he is crying when you try to leave him? You will help him a whole lot if you just divorced him, tell the truth to him that you are in love with the om, and let him live his life in peace. Edited January 3, 2014 by peruano99 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 News flash, you were being used and if he cheated with you he would cheat on you. I would just hope you had ended your M with your H before engaging in adultery. It is wrong and there is no excuse to what you did. So what you need to do know is come clean with your H and allow him to make a decision. If he decides for D then let him be free. You go and try to fix it with this OM. You will see what the end of that R will be. As for your colleague. This is not a good person or a person with any morals, she was not a friend of your marriage or you. She helped destroy your M. Not judging you, just stating the facts. I've been in your shoes, but I've woken up and see things for what they are, so I thought I'd be completely honest with you. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 And it's not that I don't love my husband at all, I do love him and he's a great man and would make a great father and never hurt me, After reading the above, in all honesty you have a real lousy way if appreciating his love and God I would hate to see what your like if you hated the man. I'll just say it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and try acting like an adult with some consideration for others. You come across as someone who is all about "ME". Think of what kind of life your giving your husband and if he deserves better then he's getting from you because it seems like he's only getting the shaft. It's time to grow up and either set your husband free and you go your way or start acting like a wife and put you selfish needs back in the box. It's the right and fair thing to do. I hope you do the right thing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I spent time with a taken woman. In the end as much as I loved her I just knew she was a liar and not worth my commitment. I still care for her but a the ame time the way she went about things made it so that after the high of the initial fling wore off I knew we could never have more even though I wanted it. I would write this guy one last letter stating all the facts of the conversation with the mutual friend. At the end I would state "take it or leave it but the fact that you chose not to believe me lets me know what I thought we had never existed, sorry for bothering you again have a nice life." That always got what I wanted to say across as best as possible. My wife is bi-polar, what meds are you on, typically antidepressants are not for bipolar people. Do you have both a psychiatrist and therapist, you need both and your therapist should know all about all of these situations if you hope to make some headway. Bipolar is life long work and will taint your view of all relationship both positively and negatively depending on the swing. Good luck, sorry you feel disconnected, it's gonna be that way for a while. If you guys truly loved each other he will feel that way again in his heart someday, even if it's just a little tiny feeling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 As the majority of posters indicate, give your broken husband a new lease of life and leave. He will be devastated for a while, but believe me, with time, a safe haven and good company to rely on he will look back on his marriage and see it for what it was. When he reaches this point, he will be ready to accept someone who will respect him, and offer him the loyalty, love and dignity that he deserves, with the wisdom to know she is right for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Thanks for all the messages. A few comments have really resonated with me and made a lot of sense, and I will try and use how bad I feel now to refocus on what is important and the man who actually does love me. The CBT I've been in hasnt really helped all that much to be honest, my therapist is convinced my marriage is over but despite my feelings for fOM I do still love my H and we have a lot of history and he is the only man that's ever truly loved me (which is now evident). At this time I guess I am more concerned with the fOM's opinion of me as I know he has a distorted and negative opinion of me and I feel helpless to change this. I really hate strangers thinking badly of me and people I don't even particularly like so for him to think badly of me upsets me so much, especially when his opinion is founded on lies. I am on 40mg of Citalopram and 5mg of diazepam. I know this medication is not specific to Bipolar but am very vary to change medication due to side effects of mood stabilisers etc, and my docs don't want to mess with my medication while I'm feeling so low. I know this makes me sound all about "me" but this is an open forum and wanted support and advice on my situation so I suppose it will come across that way... Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I was absolutely heartbroken as felt like he'd kept me on the back burner until he found someone better and that he obvs didnt think I was good enough. Well that's kinda what you did to your husband isn't it? Karma's a b1tch 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Beholdtheman - I agree, and have been saying that to myself since he first ended it and I told my husband and moved out and was suicidally depressed Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 At this time I guess I am more concerned with the fOM's opinion of me as I know he has a distorted and negative opinion of me and I feel helpless to change this. I really hate strangers thinking badly of me and people I don't even particularly like so for him to think badly of me upsets me so much, especially when his opinion is founded on lies. Why, oh why? This is the crux. This is why you're getting so much heat. This is why not many people will have any sympathy. They see you in a situation entirely of your making, and yet still you cling to the opinion of this other guy. Who really cares what people think of you? By doing this, you still give him POWER over you. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Mr Lucky - great response, thanks for helping me see things clearly...this is the kind of advice I need and what I need to keep reminding myself. I can't imagine my love for him would ever fade but then I didn't imagine that about my husband for the first 2/3 years or so... The reasons A and the affair love feel so magical is because you have not added a dash of real life to it. Add bills, the house, the kids, the the problems etc. Then take away the excitement of the forbidden, the initial chemistry and you are back where you were with your H or at this point XH. The one day you find yourself cheating again or leaving this new R. That is why affair "love" cannot be compared with real love. affair "love" will always win as it is not tainted by the borresomeness and the other real life dilemmas we have to deal with in our marriages. Affair love is lust love not real love based on a real foundation and that is why most relationships that started from an A will end. Seldom they will marry and if they do D is almost a certainty. Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Wistful, I was about to blast you for your extreme level of disrespect for your long-suffering husband, but then I went back and re-read all of the posts on this thread. Having done that, I believe that you are in a totally dysfunctional relationship. You claim lack of communication and feeling on your husband's part, and total obsession with the OM on your part with no regard for your husband's feelings. You two shouldn't be on the same planet let alone in the same house. I see you are bipolar. I know virtually nothing about that condition, but I do know it causes terrible issues for those who suffer from it. For this, you have my deepest sympathy. As for the OM, he's a user and a loser, and he used you for some free sex while he trolled for his next victimt. He seems to be the type who needs new sexual partners when he tires of his current one. I see this with several Hollywood actors who are accomplished bed jumpers. You're lucky, young miss, that you're rid of him. He's the poster child of the toxic player. I really do wish you happiness in your life ahead, both you and your hubby. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Well this is my advice to you OP. If you truly want to be together with your husband, the first thing you need to do is TELL HIM that you had an affair with the other man after you tried to R with him. Being completely honest and not lying to him anymore will make him easier to try to give this marriage another chance. If you don't tell him, and he finds out on his own, then a lot of problems will happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Thummper - thanks for reading the thread and giving your advice using all the info given, I appreciate it. I know this prob sounds like a really obvious silly question but why do you think my M is dysfunctional and we shouldn't be on the same planet? (Not saying I disagree, just interested!) I know I've said this before but have no comparison as have been with my husband longer than any of my friends have been in relationships so difficult to compare if its normal to feel that way after so long? And I agree to an extent about OM, except that he ended things (both times) when it was at its most intense and passionate rather than when got bored or cooled off...do you think he just got scared as so close and real so sabotaged things or that he just used that as excuse as didnt really care about me? And I know, I do bring everything back to his opinion which I realise in itself is pretty f*cked up...I'm realising I'm doing it now so hopefully this forum is helping :-) Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I don't agree about "dysfunctional relationship" as it "functioned" at one point and enough to get married. What I do believe happened is as with any long relationship, we change and if we fail to keep our significant other "in the loop" it becomes less and less of what is once was. My issue with wistfulgirl is the hanging on to the OM, she feels if she had a shot to rectify the "lies" this mutual friend said about her that perhaps things can resume. wistfulgirl however has toned that original position down to just getting closure that she meant something to the OM. Sadly we have empirical evidence that she was played and what is sad is that if given yet another shot would go for a third time with the OM, get played yet again and ask why yet again when he dumps her for the 3rd time. Only one things need to happen, the A fog needs to be cleared, she is not thinking objectively and clearly. She is still very much entangled emotionally with the OM and has a complete disregard for her H. She says the words of some remorse and reflection but they ring hollow as they are not backed with action. Once she is out of the A fog, she will realize that wanting closure or whatever else with the OM is meaningless and probably kick her self for caring just to start... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Thanks Atriedes - I am looking forward to the time when I no longer care and actually even over the last few days of discovering those lies and posting here it has made me think and an starting to see things more clearly. I did not send the initial merry Xmas txt to fOM in order to restart the affair, I don't think I thought it through at all, suppose in my mind I wanted to reach out just to show I still cared, make him think about/ remember me and know he still cared about me too (after I cut contact before but ended it nicely). I suppose now I missed having him in my life and prob subconsciencely wanted the assurance that he was still there....so I guess I prob would have put myself though round 3 and got thrown away again. Perhaps I'm scared of commitment and intimacy too as chasing after someone who doesn't want me. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 So again I am going to ask you: have you told your husband he needs to divorce you immediately? I will tell you right now: this other man did not love you. Let me ask, when the affair was going on and you'd go and be physically around him..how many times would you guys be around each other and NOT end up doing something sexual? I'm guessing most of the time these "long talks" you had with him ended with some sex or something else, right? You need to realize that is all he is going to be remembering you for. He won't be thinking of you fondly as a person, just as a sexual object that he got to use until he wanted to try something new. I know this might sound harsh, but maybe you need to hear it..this guy is not a good guy. Good people do not knowingly get involved with other men's wives. The very fact that you felt the need to send him a txt msg at xmas speaks volumes, why? So the guy you cheated on your husband with knows you still wanna get with him? That's a messed up outlook, who cares what this other guy thinks? Lady, let me tell you: this other guy is not a prize, he is an utter scum bag. Then you come on here and your concern is mostly for this OTHER PERSON instead of the man you are still betraying. Remember how we talked about the whole "you aren't a bad person, you just did a bad thing"? Well, that is going to quickly become NOT the case if you do not immediately set your husband free. As in, tonight. I don't care if he cries, I don't care if he is not in a good mood today or if you feel sad, etc. This man needs to be set free. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 So do you think I should immediately divorce my H because I had an affair? Or because I don't feel the "in love" / connected feeling? Or because he should be "set free" even though he doesn't want to be? Not sure why you feel this way as others have said to work on and focus on my marriage...surely to immediately request divorce as I broke one vow of fidelity instead of trying to and stick it through "for better or worse" is just as undermining to the marriage?? We had long talks etc (but with kissing) for weeks before sleeping together as had already fell for him by that time... Yeah I didn't think of the reason for sending the text that bluntly.,.but I suppose is what I was doing essentially so that isn't right, I can see that Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 I meant...suppose that I was essentially so that wasnt right of me (to txt him) Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I would highly suggest you request to the mods that this be moved to the OW/OM board. I haven't read past the first couple of posts, but if you haven't already been, you'll likely be eaten alive here for this post on the infidelity board. (I only saw it because I clicked new posts.) Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Perhaps I'm scared of commitment and intimacy too as chasing after someone who doesn't want me. No, not even close.... you were able to marry and likely had more than a few good years. People with real commitment issues usually never make the first step. You are clearly looking for excuses/reasons to get out of your M, so do so or FIX it, you and likely your H are not working right now. This latest thought trend is quite to the point on that. You were prepared to leave your H twice but were dumped before doing so.... you were in an exit affair and in part are probably clinging to that along with the lust for the OM. Still, get clear of the fog, then reevaluate. Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 So do you think I should immediately divorce my H because I had an affair? Or because I don't feel the "in love" / connected feeling? Or because he should be "set free" even though he doesn't want to be? I do not agree with Spectre to D immediately, but do tell your H ASAP, it may help get you clear of this fog you are in. It is not for others to make the call to say whether you D or R, but your H does need to know as exposing what you did, as with many other stories here at the least helps get most out of the fog. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Thanks Atriedes - I am looking forward to the time when I no longer care and actually even over the last few days of discovering those lies and posting here it has made me think and an starting to see things more clearly. I did not send the initial merry Xmas txt to fOM in order to restart the affair, I don't think I thought it through at all, suppose in my mind I wanted to reach out just to show I still cared, make him think about/ remember me and know he still cared about me too (after I cut contact before but ended it nicely). I suppose now I missed having him in my life and prob subconsciencely wanted the assurance that he was still there....so I guess I prob would have put myself though round 3 and got thrown away again. Perhaps I'm scared of commitment and intimacy too as chasing after someone who doesn't want me. You have to have absolutely no contact with the other man at all if you want your relationship with your husband to work. Just be honest with him, tell him about your affair, and try to solve this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I did tell my H about my affair, (after it had ended for the first time after few months) but he doesn't know we saw each other couple more times months later or that we kept in contact, but the physical A was over 8 months ago, and hadnt been in contact with fOM for 3 months until I sent that text Xmas day... Do you think it is always the right thing to tell ALL details of the A (even high it's now over for good), or is it just hurting them unnecessarily to ease our own conscience? If I want to stay and work on the marriage, haven't I done enough damage already? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 To clarify - I meant I told him immediately after the original 2 month affair ended Link to post Share on other sites
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