How could he leave it like this??

[MuddyFootprints]

There is so much more to attraction than physical appearance.

[wistfulgirl]

What do you think a single OM gets out of A with married woman? If they are able to get sex elsewhere so not just about that. Do you think they like the romance/ intensity etc.?

 

Suppose I'm thinking from my fOM's point of view - if he's likely to miss me and what we had...(I know, I know!) x

[tiredofitall2]

Not always. A man who has an affair would most likely do it with an attractive woman.

 

 

That's because for the most part us men go by our emotional needs of having an attractive mate. We are more physical while generally women are more emotional.

 

That doesn't meant that all of men's A are because their W are not attractive or anything like that. But as a man you have your W and she's obviously attracted to you, but it is very nice to have a complete stranger or someone new be attracted to you as well. That's why even for men A's are not fueled by how attractive the AP is, but how attractive they make you feel.

 

No if a man is one that likes to have ONS, he might target more attractive girls generally, but I would say that looks generally mean nothing when it comes to A. Although me care about looks more than women do.

[peruano99]

What do you think a single OM gets out of A with married woman? If they are able to get sex elsewhere so not just about that. Do you think they like the romance/ intensity etc.?

 

Suppose I'm thinking from my fOM's point of view - if he's likely to miss me and what we had...(I know, I know!) x

 

You clearly still think about him still after he ignores you. I don't know what you want to do at this point. Staying with a man you don't fully love ?

[peruano99]

That's because for the most part us men go by our emotional needs of having an attractive mate. We are more physical while generally women are more emotional.

 

That doesn't meant that all of men's A are because their W are not attractive or anything like that. But as a man you have your W and she's obviously attracted to you, but it is very nice to have a complete stranger or someone new be attracted to you as well. That's why even for men A's are not fueled by how attractive the AP is, but how attractive they make you feel.

 

No if a man is one that likes to have ONS, he might target more attractive girls generally, but I would say that looks generally mean nothing when it comes to A. Although me care about looks more than women do.

 

 

Usually women don't date ugly men where I live. I rarely see any woman with a non attractive guy.

[atreides]

 

Is there any advice anyone can give me on clearing the A fog? Or us it simply time and NC?

 

Time of course, most not all but most things can fade with time, but if you really read many of the stories here where the BS caught the WS, the fog was cleared much quicker especially when exposure occurs with the AP's side.

 

I have read stories from both OM/WS forum and the infidelity forum.

 

Usually and I don't know why, maybe just the window of stories from which i have read or the demographic that likes to post their stories... the OM/WS has many women whom are either still in, have been cut off and want back or trying to get out with MM. Much of the same theme and thoughts you have, some never tell.. (honestly i don't keep up with those stores that never do, I can't stomach it. Loss of integrity, something is broken from within, IMO)

Then there are those that do each in their own way and the context of course is clearly the A fog and the time it takes to clear. Most share and try to rationalize why they did what they did from their H being distant and so on, but the truth is a 2 edged sword, your side, their side and the truth meets in the middle. Those that struggle and go back and forth go through much more emotional turmoil vs disciplining themselves after being self aware to coming clean and work on the M vs caring what the AP thinks or does. Then there is the infidelity forum which is filled with stories of either getting caught or confessing. I have read some where the WS gets caught and their are many variable differences in the small details, but my point is there are more than quite a few that the WS keeps contact and does not clear the fog vs those that confess.. I really cannot recall where a WS confesses without being caught or cornered and reverts.

 

This then leads me to a quote i read:

BetrayedH wrote in a post I forgot which, "the grass is never greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it."

 

The best way to clear the fog IMO is to tell your H in your case because you still love him in your own words. Then, make a new "fog" if you will with your H and keep the "grass greener." You are self-aware and starting to get better, i can see it in your writing. Look inward and look at your M and see where you not your H but you went wrong.. not the A but on how you got to where you were the day before you met the OM. Then tell your H, no lies going in... and no going the rest of the journey out of the fog alone.

[carhill]

What do you think a single OM gets out of A with married woman?

 

Everyone's needs and reasons are different. If the R was primarily sexual, then sex. If primarily emotional, emotion. If primarily intellectual, intellect. We're all different. Of course, there is often 'blending' of needs.

If they are able to get sex elsewhere so not just about that.

 

Sex with a MW is fewer strings and generally less likely to go sideways if they (OM) end it. My experiences with MW's bore this out. They, generally, took what they wanted and moved on without comment, whether back to their M or to a predetermined temporary or permanent replacement

Do you think they like the romance/ intensity etc.?

 

No doubt that can be a part of it. I certainly enjoyed and valued the intimacy with those I interacted with. What was in their minds I have no idea.

 

Suppose I'm thinking from my fOM's point of view - if he's likely to miss me and what we had...(I know, I know!) x

 

Since he's apparently already with someone else and has moved to distance himself from you, my conjecture is that, had he missed what you had, he has processed that, put it into the 'wistfulgirl and I had a good time' box and put that box away. Its contents may still be there but it doesn't influence his other boxes, like the current girlfriend box. I suggest this because of what I've read here, especially that he apparently moved on so quickly and easily. That usually comes from compartmentalization, presuming there was any emotional bond there at all. For some, it's appearances. That's how it goes sometimes.

[Oberfeldwebel]

You have to admit that your text to him was a bit of a fishing trip. You sent him a text on the pretense of Christmas, but was trying to feel out his emotions for you. You stated you would have been happy if he had said Merry Christmas babe. How about if he had simply said Merry Christmas to you and your family as well.....period. You were looking for an expression of endearment from him. You wanted to know you were an option, sometime in the future.

 

I don't believe that this relationship ever meant as much to him as it did to you. He found the chase and the sex exciting. He did not even seek you out this time. It's not that you meant nothing, but he did not sit around pining for you. It was an affair it was fun, but hey, its over. The fly in the ointment you say is whatever the "friend" said to him. What do you think she told him? What was your relationship with her like and what seemed to turn it sour?

[wistfulgirl]

Atriedes- thanks for your comments. I really like that quote, and will remember it, thank you. As ive said before, i did tell my H of my affair, but not that we kept in contact or that id seen him again few times after initially ended. He has never questioned the A (since the day I told him, wasnt caught) and i think he has buried it/ doesnt want to think about it so still doubtful if its the right thing to confess all again since is now all over. And I hope you're right, I do feel like I'm getting bit better and the pain is easing. I will continue NC and read up more on A's and hope time and distance will help clear the fog.

 

Carhill - thanks for your insights. The A was emotional, intellectual and sexual but suspect a lot of the attraction from him was that I was married as he wouldn't have to commit. I did say this to him which he denied and said if I was single we would be together, but wouldn't ask me to leave. He did not get a GF until months after the A ended again the 2nd time, and had kept in contact with me (him initiating) even when he already got with this girl (which I didn't find out till later, he didnt tell me about her himself). I was then the one to cut contact as couldn't handle seeing on FB/ hearing about her, but yes he has now switched this on me so that he has cut contact. Still not sure if he has used these lies as an excuse or if he genuinely believes them and now has a different perspective of me. Am just unsure if he will try and reinitiate contact, maybe due to feelings for me or his own issues and "commitmentphobia", or will use this to forget about me and actually try to fully commit to new GF. And if he does re contact me, whether I will be strong enough to resist. I suppose time will tell

[wistfulgirl]

Oberfeldwebel - I agree with your points, I realise that I was trying to feel out his emotions and should have left it. Was probably feeling sentimental (and drunk!) as Xmas but can see the text wasnt innocent.

 

The friendship with this other girl had completely broken down almost 12 months ago...she had told me he was chasing after a girl (not realising we were still in contact) then I got upset with him as he was still contacting me every day at this time...he then fell out with her for telling me (making out like he'd drunkenly called me once and i shot him doewn as knew he was seeing someone else). She then started calling and texting me a barrage of abuse calling me all the names under the sun for "sh*t stirring" between them and said if made the biggest mistake of my life. I only offered the olive branch to her recently after not being in contact with fOM for 2 mths and she was questioning what had happened and when we'd last been in contact.

 

The impression I got from the short text responses I had from him over Xmas was that she told him I was delusional (as they both know about my bipolar) and said I'd told her various lies about our A - he now seems to believe I had lied to this girl about us but I only told her the truth and have no way of proving it! I got upset that he had accused me then he replied saying doesnt know what to believe but either way doesn't want these kind of "guilt tripping conversations" anymore. The girl is poisonous and has bragged about "destroying" ppl tho have crossed her in the past. He knows this about her and thought he knew me better than that so upset cus he either believes it or is being cold and cruel just to shut the door firmly to prevent anything restarting. It just goes against the whole dynamic and closeness between us so hate it being left like this.

Edited January 7, 2014 by wistfulgirl

[wistfulgirl]

*Am a bit paranoid now cus of the amount if detail I've put on here - has anyone had or known of someone's story being seen on here so and the reader working out who it was? Arghhh!*

[peruano99]

*Am a bit paranoid now cus of the amount if detail I've put on here - has anyone had or known of someone's story being seen on here so and the reader working out who it was? Arghhh!*

 

What do you mean? Are you saying that if someone you know in real life could tell this is you by this story?

 

Also are you and your husband in your mid thirties?

Edited January 7, 2014 by peruano99

[MuddyFootprints]

What do you mean? Are you saying that if someone you know in real life could tell this is you by this story?

 

Also are you and your husband in your mid thirties?

 

It has just been stated that there is a concern about personal details already posted. Now you are asking for further identifying information?

[atreides]

*Am a bit paranoid now cus of the amount if detail I've put on here - has anyone had or known of someone's story being seen on here so and the reader working out who it was? Arghhh!*

 

It is possible, with any story, my own included that i posted. Your H knows most, but not all or is it friends/family?

[compulsivedancer]

*Am a bit paranoid now cus of the amount if detail I've put on here - has anyone had or known of someone's story being seen on here so and the reader working out who it was? Arghhh!*

 

It seems unlikely.

[tiredofitall2]

Atriedes- thanks for your comments. I really like that quote, and will remember it, thank you. As ive said before, i did tell my H of my affair, but not that we kept in contact or that id seen him again few times after initially ended. He has never questioned the A (since the day I told him, wasnt caught) and i think he has buried it/ doesnt want to think about it so still doubtful if its the right thing to confess all again since is now all over. And I hope you're right, I do feel like I'm getting bit better and the pain is easing. I will continue NC and read up more on A's and hope time and distance will help clear the fog.

 

Carhill - thanks for your insights. The A was emotional, intellectual and sexual but suspect a lot of the attraction from him was that I was married as he wouldn't have to commit. I did say this to him which he denied and said if I was single we would be together, but wouldn't ask me to leave. He did not get a GF until months after the A ended again the 2nd time, and had kept in contact with me (him initiating) even when he already got with this girl (which I didn't find out till later, he didnt tell me about her himself). I was then the one to cut contact as couldn't handle seeing on FB/ hearing about her, but yes he has now switched this on me so that he has cut contact. Still not sure if he has used these lies as an excuse or if he genuinely believes them and now has a different perspective of me. Am just unsure if he will try and reinitiate contact, maybe due to feelings for me or his own issues and "commitmentphobia", or will use this to forget about me and actually try to fully commit to new GF. And if he does re contact me, whether I will be strong enough to resist. I suppose time will tell

 

In putting myself in his shoes I wouldn't have let you go either until a better option came along. A better option is one that represents the path of least resistance. A married woman represents too much drama and too much crap to deal with, but if I'm a horny man that wants to have some girl to mess around with and I have little morals then why not?

 

That doesn't mean that he did not have some of the same "love" chemical reactions you are having, it is that he has cut the supply quicker than you. Now this new girl is the one causing him to produce these chemicals and not you.

 

He has conveniently moved on and not you. Now if both of you were married the outcome would probably have been different. As both of you are in similar situations and both have a lot to lose/gain etc. But as a single man, why would he go through all of this for you? Really?

 

Stay with the man that wants to be with you and that is your H. The sooner you realize this and move on the sooner you will heel and the sooner you can start repairing the garden in your side of the fence.

[SoulStorm]

The om is a Player he:

 

1. Scoped you out and surmised that you were a married woman who was in need of attention

 

2. Befriended you and became everything you needed and wanted

 

3. Listened to you because you said your husband didn't

 

4. Romanced you because you said your husband didn't

 

5. Made you feel desired and wanted because you said your husband didn't

 

6. Made you feel like he couldn't live without you, yet wouldn't Commit to you.

 

7. He found a girlfriend shortly after you broke it off (so much for living without you)

 

8. Plays head games with you by pretending to be angry to keep you from messing up his Current conquest

 

9. Has no intention on returning your texts until he wants you for sex again

 

 

 

Google "How to bed a married woman " and read it, you will see all his tactics. He's using your neediness and bipolar condition against you.

[peruano99]

I think OP should be truthful with her H about continuing contact with OM. I also hope she has some feelings for him...

Edited January 7, 2014 by peruano99

[wistfulgirl]

To be honest I'm just angry at myself now for trusting this "friend" and speaking to her at all when I knew what she was like. I'm angry at myself for believing I actually meant anything to fOM and for being weak and texting him merry Xmas, and for leaving it with a nice message which went ignored. I'm angry with myself for hurting my H and risking my marriage and whole life for someone who clearly only wanted a "bit of fun" and is clearly able to commit to some extent (yet to be confirmed) as he has a GF now. And angry with myself for caring :-(

[peruano99]

If you truly, sincerely want to get back together with your husband, the first thing you need to do is [stop] feeling sorry for yourself. You have to fix yourself and try to be positive before you try to continue to reconcile. You can't do a successful reconciliation if you are still feeling bad and depressed. Wasn't feeling bad and depressed the thing that got you to have an affair? You have to fix that before anything else now.

Edited January 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarity

[wistfulgirl]

Thanks Peruano99 - I know I need to focus on what I do have in my life, and have been making a lot more effort at home recently and trying to build the connection between me and my H. Just feeling angry today as saw the "friend" at work, just ignored her but feel like she's just got away with lying about me and causing me more pain than already had felt with whole situation, and she doesn't even care. (She had initially "set me up" with fOM before turning on me). And hurting that he hasnt replied to at least leave me feeling like it had meant something and hadnt just been duped and used. But reading stories on here helps cus don't feel so alone and getting advice on here really helps more than you all know so thank you xxxx

Edited January 7, 2014 by wistfulgirl

[tiredofitall2]

Thanks Peruano99 - I know I need to focus on what I do have in my life, and have been making a lot more effort at home recently and trying to build the connection between me and my H. Just feeling angry today as saw the "friend" at work, just ignored her but feel like she's just got away with lying about me and causing me more pain than already had felt with whole situation, and she doesn't even care. (She had initially "set me up" with fOM before turning on me). And hurting that he hasnt replied to at least leave me feeling like it had meant something and hadnt just been duped and used. But reading stories on here helps cus don't feel so alone and getting advice on here really helps more than you all know so thank you xxxx

 

 

The worst thing she did to you was to introduce you to the OM. The best thing she did was to somehow mess it up for you (if she really did, I doubt it though) She is not a friend of your M.

[wistfulgirl]

I know she has been such a poisonous influence on me and my M and have cut her out of my life completely.

 

I am just confused as to why he would accuse me of lying to her and say that what I told her was "f*cked up" and that because of this we should no longer speak (not because I'm married or he has a GF, but because of what I apparently said). If he does not truly believe this and is using this as an excuse to "get rid of me", why would he do it this way? As before he always kept it nice and that he couldn't handle it, couldn't keep hurting me etc. and if he's a commitment phobe (which based on his history seems likely), why would he cut me off in this way rather than leave me as a future "option" when no other single girls on the scene?

 

(I realise neither option is good, just want to understand why he would say these things an ignore me if he really doesn't believe I'm a liar and if this "friend" hadnt really told him if lied?)

[SoulStorm]

I know she has been such a poisonous influence on me and my M and have cut her out of my life completely.

 

I am just confused as to why he would accuse me of lying to her and say that what I told her was "f*cked up" and that because of this we should no longer speak (not because I'm married or he has a GF, but because of what I apparently said). If he does not truly believe this and is using this as an excuse to "get rid of me", why would he do it this way? As before he always kept it nice and that he couldn't handle it, couldn't keep hurting me etc. and if he's a commitment phobe (which based on his history seems likely), why would he cut me off in this way rather than leave me as a future "option" when no other single girls on the scene?

 

(I realise neither option is good, just want to understand why he would say these things an ignore me if he really doesn't believe I'm a liar and if this "friend" hadnt really told him if lied?)

 

Read my post again

[tiredofitall2]

I know she has been such a poisonous influence on me and my M and have cut her out of my life completely.

 

I am just confused as to why he would accuse me of lying to her and say that what I told her was "f*cked up" and that because of this we should no longer speak (not because I'm married or he has a GF, but because of what I apparently said). If he does not truly believe this and is using this as an excuse to "get rid of me", why would he do it this way? As before he always kept it nice and that he couldn't handle it, couldn't keep hurting me etc. and if he's a commitment phobe (which based on his history seems likely), why would he cut me off in this way rather than leave me as a future "option" when no other single girls on the scene?

 

(I realise neither option is good, just want to understand why he would say these things an ignore me if he really doesn't believe I'm a liar and if this "friend" hadnt really told him if lied?)

 

It's very simple, he just used whatever excuse would make him seem as less of the bad guy and shift the blame on you. That way if he ever needs a booty call he can come back and say "well, here I am. I forgive you for what you said before". "I'm ready for some piece of meat" It is NOT what you need and you should forget about the why's of the situation. Be grateful he's gone and you still have a chance at your M.

 

It sounds like this guy really messed with your self esteem. Now you are feeling as he chose his GF over you. But why wouldn't he. He chose an available woman over a married woman. Also he knows your history, even if he was your first OM. It doesn't matter, unless he really thinks he is that special. If you were capable of doing it once, you can certainly do it again. Once the magic wares off, all bets are off and he knows it.