How could he leave it like this??

[oldshirt]

 

 

1. You agreed that's it's not over (well, for me anyway) and not even begun to be over. What do you suggest will help to finally end this in my mind and help me to move on?

 

 

 

DO WHAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU TO DO FOR THE LAST 17 PAGES. GO COMPLETELY NO CONTACT WITH THIS OM AND THE PERSON THAT SET YOU UP AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE LEARNING FROM YOUR MISTAKES.

 

 

AND THAT MEANS EITHER $HIT OR GET OFF THE POT WITH YOUR HUSBAND. EITHER DECLARE THE MARRIAGE DEAD AND MOVE ON WITH AS AMMICABLE DIVORCE AS POSSIBLE OR DEVOTE YOURSELF 100% INTO RECONCILIATION.

 

2. I was the first "taken" women he'd ever been with so don't think this was a habit...his previous short relationships were either him chasing after women that weren't interested, or getting with girls and becoming bored easily or freaking out when got close. When he ended things with me both times was after we were at our most intense points (not just me, but him also) so don't think was down to routine or day to day grind...seemed more like he couldn't handle / wasn't emotionally equipped to handle an ongoing intimate relationship.

 

 

DO YOU THINK FOR A MOMENT ALL THE MARRIED WOMEN I BANGED HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CLUE HOW MANY OTHER MARRIED WOMEN I BANGED????? YOU HAVEN'T A CLUE WHO HE'S BEEN WITH OR HOW MANY. YOU HAVE NO REASON TO BELIEVE A WORD THAT HAS EVER COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH. YOU MAY HAVE HAD SOME DEEP CONVERSATION IN HIS CAR IN THE PARK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT LISTENING TO CARLY SIMON SONGS BUT HE WAS TELLING YOU WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR.

 

 

AS I SAID IN MY OTHER POST (we were posting at the same time) THIS IS NOT ABOUT A MAN IN LOVE THAT CAN'T HANDLE THE RELATIONSHIP. THIS IS A PLAYA' WHO LIKES TO BANG CHICKS AND DOESN'T WANT THE HASSLE AND SCUT WORK OF A RELATIONSHIP.

 

 

MEN WHO ARE IN LOVE AND WANT TO BE WITH THEIR WOMAN TAKE BEATINGS, CHANGE JOBS, RELOCATE ACROSS THE COUNTRY, LOSE FRIENDS, GIVE UP OTHER WOMEN, TAKE OUT LOANS AND 30 YEAR MORTGAGES DRIVE MINI VANS.

 

 

 

THERE IS NO FEAR OF COMMITTMENT. ONLY CONSCIOUS DECISIONS NOT TO DO IT.

 

3. First time he told me he loved me was while ending it with me (which i found very confusing and strange) rather than to keep me hooked and stoke more passion so not sure what his agenda was there. He'd also said he had to end it as didnt realise how hard he'd fall for me so thought it would be for the best in the long run to end things (again very confusing way to be, effectively, dumped)

 

 

THAT LINE CAN BE FOUND ON PAGE # 23 OF THE PLAYA'S HANDBOOK. NEVER BURN A BRIDGE TO WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE ANOTHER BOOTY CALL IF YOU RUN INTO A DRY SPELL DOWN THE ROAD.

 

 

WOULD YOU HAVE RATHER HE SAID, " IT WAS FUN BANG'N YA BUT I DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH THE FALLOUT WHEN YOUR HUSBAND FINDS OUT AND I HAVE SOME OTHER CHICKS I WANT TO TRY OUT THIS WEEK." ?

 

 

 

 

 

4. He then, few months later, went looking for a relationship through online dating and has committed to a single girl and is still with her 5 months later. This is what's hurting me now as has left me unable to think that he ended it (rather than asking me to leave my H) due to his commitment and intimacy issues, but that I simply wasnt good enough (or only good enough to "keep his penis wet" as you put it). Which has left me feeling completely worthless and disposable.

 

 

 

FOR THE HUNDRETH TIME IN 17 PAGES OF RESPONSES, HE DID NOT LEAVE YOU BECAUSE HE HAS COMMITMENT AND INTIMACY ISSUES. HE LEFT YOU BECAUSE HE IS A PLAYA' AND IT WAS STARTING TO BECOME WORK AND MESSY AND THE FUN OF SOMEONE NEW WAS STARTING TO WEAR OFF.

 

 

THE IDEA OF HIM ASKING YOU TO LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND WAS YOUR FANTASY WORLD, NOT HIS REALITY WORLD.

 

 

I FEEL BAD FOR YOU AND AM SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS AND FEELING WORTHLESS AND DISPOSABLE, I REALLY DO. THE REASON I'm BEING SO BLUNT IS TO HELP LIFT THE FOG SO YOU CAN MOVE PAST THIS. THIS IS ALL GOING TO COME SLAMMING HOME REAL SOON AND IT'S REALLY GOING TO HURT WHEN YOU REALIZE HOW MESSED UP IT REALLY IS. MANY OF US ARE TRYING TO GET YOU TO START REALIZING BIT BY BIT NOW SO IT DOESN'T HIT YOU LIKE A MAC TRUCK ALL AT ONCE.

 

 

The reality that I clearly didnt mean much to him has already come crashing down, but due to the confusing nature of how things were between us and the fact that he evidently is able to commit (for the time being anyway) has really affected me and made me question everything, but especially my own worth. This is why I'm struggling so much to let it go xx

 

 

 

 

NO IT HASN'T COME CRASHING DOWN YET, AT LEAST NOT IN IT'S ENTIRETY. YOU ARE STILL CLEARLY IN THE FOG AND WE CAN ALL SEE IT, BUT YOU CAN'T YET. IT'S ONLY CONFUSING TO YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE CAUGHT UP IN IT. IT'S CHYSTAL CLEAR TO ALL OF US.

 

 

WHAT HAS YOU QUESTIONING EVERYTHING IS YOU WERE BUILDING UP A FANTASY WORLD IN YOUR MIND THAT WASN'T REALITY. YOU ARE STARTING TO SEE THINGS HOW THEY REALLY ARE BUT YOUR EGO IS PROTECTING YOU BY STILL TRYING TO JUSTIFY EVERYTHING TO PROTECT IT'SELF.

 

 

THIS IS GOING TO TAKE SOME PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING AND ASSISTANCE TO WORK OUT AND CLEAR UP ALL THE DEBRIS.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't mean to sound like I am shouting up above. I am just using caps to defferenciate my text from your's.

[peruano99]

if you still think and love the om for many more months and love him nor than your h for whatever reason, don't you think he should know? I get that you two are together, but it seems like if you continue to constantly defend and have feelings for this om, then you will not be happy with the relationship with your husband...do you two have any kids?

[oldshirt]

Oldshirt - I guess the defense mechanism is there as I am firstly defending him, as don't think he is a bad guy that went out to use and hurt me...he seemed like he was chasing after some magical fairy tale romance but wanted the thing he feared the most. (I've read a lot on commitment phobia which resonated - not just about how he was with me but previous women and dynamics in his life). His actions were bad but don't think he is fundamentally bad, just a bit screwed up. Maybe I only have this opinion to protect my ego, but am very down on myself and have said how worthless I feel and even if he did completely love me and just couldn't handle it, he did still walk away then commit to someone else. So am not in complete denial, just trying to understand if I really was just worth a f*ck but this other girl from plenty of fish is worth a lifetime together..

 

 

 

Noone has said he is an ax murderer or a child molester or clubs baby seals over the head. He's simply a playa that likes to bang chicks for the fun and excitement and doesn't want to stick around once the fun wears off and things start getting messy or when people start asking more of him.

 

 

He may help old ladies cross the street and put baby birds back in their nests and help orphans find their lost puppys.

 

 

his goal wasn't to hurt and use you. his goal was to have some fun with a chick in bed. The fact that you are now feeling used and hurt is beside the point. .....not his problem.

 

 

To a playa', all you would've had to have done to not to feel used and hurt was not to fall in love or not to have gotten in bed with him in the first place.

 

 

Stop reading about commitment phobias. there is no phobia. that is just an excuse people use when they don't want to deal with the dirty laundry, toilet cleaning, lawn mowing and heavy lifting of relationships. no one fears commitment, they simply don't want the work or hassle. the only thing they fear is work and not having all the fun they want.

 

 

The pain and hurt and awkwardness you feel is from the rejection. You wanted to ride off into the sunset with this guy in a fairy tale ending and he didn't want that with you. As an earlier poster said, a playa' is not going to ride off into the sunset with one of his married booty calls.

 

 

A playa' knows how many playa's there are in the world and you have proven that a few winks and a few flirts and a few heart to heart conversations is all it takes to not only spread your legs for a night but that you are wanting to leave your husband for good and run off with some guy after a rolls in the hay.

 

 

He's not a commitment phobic. he has a real-world concern of YOUR ability to commit!!!

[oldshirt]

He's not a commitment phobic. he has a real-world concern of YOUR ability to commit!!!

 

 

 

 

 

I'm quoting this again for emphasis.

 

 

Even if he were interested in commitment, he would have just cause to question YOUR ability to commit.

 

 

Now this single chicky he's dating may be cheatingest slut on the planet but he hasn't experienced that first hand with her yet.

 

 

He knows better than anyone on the planet what you do and say and how you act and react with other guys behind your husbands back.

 

 

Your pain and angst over this is not his reluctance to commit. Your pain and angst is simple rejection. He rejected you and rejection always hurts.

 

 

What gives the knife in your heart a little extra twist is that he is rejecting you after whispering all those compliments and all those sweet nothings in your ear.

 

 

I get that and that was $h!tty of him. but most women have been burned by a playa by the time they get out of college and have learned to spot them and stay away from them.

 

 

Your lesson is just coming at a much higher cost.

 

 

Again, I recommend professional counseling to help you get through all of this.

[miguelcervantes]

Miguelcervantes - thanks for your messages. I both agree and disagree on certain points:

 

I completely realise that this "mutual friend" is not really a friend and never has been, and is a complete scumbag and was the original catalyst for this situation, both the beginning and the end. I have, however got to take responsibility on how I chose to act on these feelings and fall in love. I still really struggle to see him as a scumbag and still have him on such a pedestal in my mind. I do not believe that he intentionally "played me" and wanted to use me, I think we both just got in way too deep and was more than he could handle.

 

I don't believe that it was just "lust" and "sex and "titilation" as we both felt extreme guilt over what happened between us (genuinely) but felt like it was "magic", "meant to be" like he was the other part of me etc, and all those romantic, desperate and overwhelming feelings (well, at least for me but he certainly led me to believe he felt that too).

 

And the affair is over, yes I continued contact after confessing to my H but again I felt like I couldn't help myself and was prepared to walk away from everything - but only for him. I do not have a wondering eye, flirt with other guys etc, he is the only man in all that time that made me feel that way and I'm a very emotional and passionate person so felt so intense I couldn't control my feelings.

 

Also, if fOM was only wanting to get me into bed (which he may well have been and that's all I ever meant to him) then why tell me he loved me? When we were together it was intimate and passionate and romantic, not sordid and seedy and just about sex. We would stay up all night talking (about intense, serious things, not "dirty talk") and had literally never felt that connection with anyone else in my life. Hence why I now feel broken that he can write me off so easily and commit to a girl he's gone out seeking on POF.

 

I agree that it is not over, only is as much that I am still pining over him, hurting badly over the situation and discussing him on here, but I doubt he's given me a second thought. Xx

 

I agree that you should own responsibility for cheating but it is also good that you recognise "your friend" for the toxic person she is and the first thing you need to do with regard to this is completely cut her off and also make sure that your husband (the only person on your side) is aware of her toxicity. Make sure he knows everything and if he wants to out her cheating, don't stand in his way.

 

I agree that you have the POSOM on a pedestal. This is someone who "gets in too deep" with a married woman who is having relationship problems with her husband (someone who, by the way, more than likely really loves her, has already committed to her and was even ready to overlook her misbehaviour). So what does this scumbag do ?

 

Instead of encouraging her to work on her marriage and walking away, he goes after her and "falls in love with her" because it is really easy to say the right things to her at this point without committing to her (very familiar player MO), asks her to blow up her marriage because "he is not comfortable with this" (oh how noble - again familiar player MO) but beds her any way (not quite noble enough to stop that), and then drops her using his nobility as the reason (player masterclass). Also his current gf may not have cheated on her husband to be with him which makes her better long term material.

 

Of course it felt like magic (that's what it's supposed to feel like else the playing would be ineffective). Of course it felt genuine (same again). Of course he felt "guilty" etc etc.

 

I understand that you do not have "a wandering eye" - just vulnerability, poor judgement with regard to morals and boundaries, poor choice of "friends" and good old fashioned dopamines! Need to address this ASAP as none of it is good.

 

And can you really be that naive as to tell me that "it wasn't just about sex and we stayed up at night talking and he told me he loved me" - really? There must be a player/preyer manual somewhere. I remember somebody publishing a thread some where on exactly how he (not the best looking dude in town) got many married women to drop their pants - your POSOM seems to be following his method exactly. Just because he has this current gf does not mean that he doesn't know that he has you whenever he wants. You really need to be shocked into reality and to this end what would be best for both of you is if your husband just dropped you and after filing for divorce, just walked away - talk about a bucket of cold water!

 

You would then stop focussing on some worthless person and look at the real issue here. Not to say that you would want reconciliation, but it would certainly make you aware of reality. Maybe you should send your husband here and maybe we can assist him with your wake-up call! This might be the best help we can give you. Or you can start doing this for yourself.

[wistfulgirl]

Oldshirt - I have been in complete no contact, I ended contact in September when he got a GF, broke it over Xmas /nye but has been no contact since. I am just in a lot of pain over this (and suffer from bipolar depression) and this has really had a huge impact on me. But I don't know what more I can do practically to get over this and feel better.

 

I do believe that he had not been with any taken women before (although no way of proving it). And we never went out in his car or to the park or that kind of contact...let alone listened to Carly Simon songs!! :-)

 

 

I take it you don't believe in fear of intimacy /fear of commitment and the "freak out" when things get serious? Of course he could have lied to me about everything and was only ever out to get a f*ck while deliberately messing with my head for his own perverted pleasure, but think its more likely that he didnt expect things to develop so fast and thought was too much complication and potential pitfalls to ask me to be with him.

 

 

You said he's a player that doesn't want the hassle and "scut work" of a relationship, but he actively went out looking for one and committed to the first woman after me, so brings me back to feeling like he could commit, he just didnt think that I was good enough.

 

 

And I can categorically say that the "fun of banging someone new" had not worn off when he ended it, know you won't believe this but I KNOW this to be true. Was at the times that it got much closer and more sexually deep and intimate. Fair point about the "not burning bridges" thing though, although he has completely burned them now and been cold and hurtful towards me when I did nothing wrong to him and never lied to him.

 

 

It HAS come slamming home already, that he went out looking for someone to commit to (do clearly can) and evidentially does not care anymore and is not coming back. But to believe that I never meant anything to him except a shag and everything he ever said was a lie is just too painful and don't think I could feel any worse about myself and this situation than I already do. You seek to think that this stance that I never meant anything will help me in some way, but I have been trying to regain some kind of self worth and comfort from this whole situation and if I didnt hold on to at least the thought that I was worth at least a tiny sh*t I don't know how I will cope. I am on medication, therapy etc (and have been for years, not just due to this) and only want a way of looking at things that will help me to feel better, not even more worthless than I already do.

 

 

Peruano99 - no kids. And yeah I realise how unhealthy this whole situation is and that I shouldn't defend him and still think about him but I really struggle to control it. But thinking is all that's left of it, there is no more contact

[wistfulgirl]

A playa' knows how many playa's there are in the world and you have proven that a few winks and a few flirts and a few heart to heart conversations is all it takes to not only spread your legs for a night but that you are wanting to leave your husband for good and run off with some guy after a rolls in the hay.

 

....

 

That's a bit presumptuous to say that "all it took" were a few winks, flirts and conversations to make me "spread my legs". Believe me, over the almost 15 years I've now been with my H I've had plenty of "winks, flirts and conversations" but never "spread my legs" as you so nicely put it for anyone that whole time except him. I would even go as far to say that I have more than likely been faithful to the same person for longer than the majority of posters on this site. I fell in love, but clearly am a "cheating slut" that he HAS had first hand experience of (unlike his new GF) and was literally only worth "keeping his penis wet". Think you're being a bit harsh and judging others by your own standards (due to "all the married women you've banged). Is it not at all conceivable that I had meant something to him?

 

 

Mihuelcerventes - thanks for your response. A lot I can agree with, although at the end you seem to contradict yourself by essentislly saying that it WAS only about sex. Is this all that most men ate bothered about or is it only me that is only a "hole"? Don't you think any OM in affairs have feelings for their MW or is it only mine that didnt give a f*ck?

[wistfulgirl]

*please bear in mind I really am in a lot of pain over this and already feel utterly worthless so don't find repeatedly being told I meant nothing is helping. If that's the essence of the message you want to say, please show a bit of compassion as I really am hurting and only came here for support xx

[oldshirt]

Oldshirt - I have been in complete no contact, I ended contact in September when he got a GF, broke it over Xmas /nye but has been no contact since.

 

 

GOOD. KEEP THAT UP.

 

 

 

 

 

 

. But I don't know what more I can do practically to get over this and feel better.

 

 

CONTINUED NO CONTACT. PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. LIVING A GOOD HEALTHY LIFE (IE PROPER DIET, SLEEP, EXERCISE, GET OUT AND DO FUN THINGS WITH FRIENDS, PURSUE SOME PASSIONS/HOBBIES ETC.

 

I do believe that he had not been with any taken women before (although no way of proving it).

 

 

YOU CAN BELIEVE WHATEVER YOU WANT. ALL OF US HATE TO LET REALITY INTERFER WITH OUR BELIEFS AT TIMES. I DON'T FAULT YOU FOR THAT.

 

 

JUST REALIZE THAT SOME OF WHAT HE HAS TOLD YOU IS THE TRUTH AND SOME OF WHAT HE HAS TOLD YOU IS CRAP. THE PROBLEM IS YOU DON'T KNOW WHICH IS WHICH AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL.

 

 

 

 

And we never went out in his car or to the park or that kind of contact...let alone listened to Carly Simon songs!! :-)

 

 

 

I WASN'T BEING LITERAL

 

 

I take it you don't believe in fear of intimacy /fear of commitment and the "freak out" when things get serious? Of course he could have lied to me about everything and was only ever out to get a f*ck while deliberately messing with my head for his own perverted pleasure, but think its more likely that he didnt expect things to develop so fast and thought was too much complication and potential pitfalls to ask me to be with him.

 

 

 

 

 

I DO NOT BELEIVE IT WAS "FEAR" THAT CAUSED HIM TO DO ANYTHING. I THINK HE SIMPLY DIDN'T WANT TO MESS WITH IT. YOU SIMPLY WEREN'T "THE ONE."

 

 

AT THE END OF THE DAY THIS IS JUST A SIMPLE REJECTION.

 

You said he's a player that doesn't want the hassle and "scut work" of a relationship, but he actively went out looking for one and committed to the first woman after me, so brings me back to feeling like he could commit, he just didnt think that I was good enough.

 

 

'GOOD ENOUGH' DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. HE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO CONTINUE THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. IT COULD HAVE BEEN THE COLOR OF YOUR TOENAILS FOR ALL WE KNOW.

 

 

AND ALSO, WE HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING WHAT'S TRULY GOING ON WITH THIS GAL THAT HE IS DATING. THEY MAY RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET TOGETHER AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER OR THEY MAY SPLIT NEXT TUESDAY.

 

 

SHE'S IRRELEVANT.

 

 

 

And I can categorically say that the "fun of banging someone new" had not worn off when he ended it, know you won't believe this but I KNOW this to be true. Was at the times that it got much closer and more sexually deep and intimate.

 

 

THAT MAY HAVE BEEN YOUR REALITY BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN IT WAS HIS TOO.

 

 

BOTTOM LINE IS IF HE WANTED TO BE WITH YOU HE WOULD HAVE MOVED THE SUN AND EARTH TO DO IT. HE DIDN'T. END OF STORY. NOT MUCH ELSE MATTERED.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fair point about the "not burning bridges" thing though, although he has completely burned them now and been cold and hurtful towards me when I did nothing wrong to him and never lied to him.

 

 

 

 

 

FAIR ENOUGH.

 

 

It HAS come slamming home already, that he went out looking for someone to commit to (do clearly can) and evidentially does not care anymore and is not coming back.

 

 

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OF HIS MOTIVATIONS AND OBJECTIVES ARE.

 

 

But to believe that I never meant anything to him except a shag and everything he ever said was a lie is just too painful and don't think I could feel any worse about myself and this situation than I already do. You seek to think that this stance that I never meant anything will help me in some way, but I have been trying to regain some kind of self worth and comfort from this whole situation and if I didnt hold on to at least the thought that I was worth at least a tiny sh*t I don't know how I will cope.

 

 

I DO WANT TO ADDRESS THIS A LITTLE MORE. I HAVE NEVER SAID THAT YOU DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO HIM. I HAVE SAID THAT HE WAS PROBABLY IN IT FOR THE POONTANG AND DID NOT WISH TO CONTINUE INTO A SERIOUS ONGOING RELATIONSHIP.

 

 

HE MAY HAVE HAD SOME SINCERE AFFECTIONS AND FEELINGS OF WARMTH FOR YOU.

 

 

I STILL HAVE FOND FEELINGS OF WARMTH AND FOND MEMORIES OF MY MARRIED WOMEN FROM YEARS AGO. I DID NOT WISH A DEEPER NOR A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM AND I CERTAINLY DID NOT WANT ANY OF THEIR DRAMA, BAGGAGE OR MESS BUT I DID LIKE THEM AS PEOPLE AND DID ENJOY THEIR COMPANY. AND I DARE SAY THERE ARE EVEN TIMES NOW THAT I MISS THEM.

 

 

I'LL GO OUT ON A LIMB HERE AND SAY THAT HE PROBABLY DID LIKE YOU TO ONE DEGREE OR ANOTHER. PERHAPS THERE WERE EVEN SOME FEELINGS THAT WE CAN INTERPRET AS 'LOVE.'

 

 

BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY WHEN FACED WITH BUYING THE COW AND DEALING WITH ALL THE BAGGAGED AND KARNAGE OF BREAKING UP A MARRIAGE AND HAVING YOU WANTING HIM TO COMMIT TO A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, HE OPTED OUT. HE PREFERED TO GET THE MILD FOR FREE, THEN MOSEY ON DOWN TO THE NEXT PASTURE FOR SOME MORE MILK FROM ANOTHER COW.

 

 

AGAIN, JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS INTERESTED IN PRIMARILY THE FUN AND EROTICISM OF A PRIMARILY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP, DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY ARE SOME KIND OF DRUELING, KNUCKLEDRAGGING, BOTTOMFEEDER IN A TRENCHCOAT HITTING ON WOMEN THAT WALK BY AN ADULT BOOKSTORE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

 

 

PLAYA'S GET CHICKS INTO BED BY RELATING TO THEM, CONNECTING WITH THEM ON AN INTERPERSONAL LEVEL, GAINING THIER TRUST AND BREAKING DOWN THEIR SEXUAL DEFENCES VERY MUCH AS THE SAME WAY THAT GUYS SEEKING MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS DO.

 

 

WHAT SEPARATES THE PLAYA' FROM THE RELATIONSHIP-MINDED MAN IS WHAT THEY DO AFTER THE SEX. THE GUY SEEKING THE RELATIONSHIP ROLLS UP HIS SLEEVES AND DIGS IN READY TO DO SOME WORK AND PUT UP WITH SOME CRAP AND BAGGAGE. THE PLAYA' MAKES UP EXCUSES WHY HE CAN'T STICK AROUND AND EXITS STAGE-LEFT.

 

 

HE LIKELY DID HAVE SOME FEELINGS. I'D BET GOOD MONEY ON IT IN FACT. IT JUST WASN'T IN HIS CHARACTER OR DESIGN TO CONTINUE INTO ANY KIND OF ONGOING, COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.

 

 

 

 

I am on medication, therapy etc (and have been for years, not just due to this) and only want a way of looking at things that will help me to feel better, not even more worthless than I already do.

 

 

 

PEOPLE REALLY AREN'T TRYING TO KICK YOU WHILE YOU'RE DOWN OR RUB SALT IN YOUR WOUNDS. JUST TRYING TO GET YOU SEE REALITY THROUGH THE FOG. ONCE YOU CAN SEE CLEARLY, YOU CAN UNDERSTAND HOW THINGS HAPPENED AND YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD ARMED WITH KNOWLEDGE AND SELF-AWARENESS.

 

 

YOU'LL FEEL BETTER AFTER YOU HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THINGS AND MOVED FORWARD WITH YOUR LIFE AND HEALED.

 

 

A BROKEN HEART IS MUCH LIKE A BROKEN ARM, YOU CAN GIVE IT PROPER TREATMENT AND SET IT, CAST IT AND PROTECT IT SO IT DOESN'T GET INJURED AGAIN BEFORE IT'S HEALED BUT IT'S STILL GONNA HURT LIKE HELL FOR A LONG TIME DURING THE HEALING PROCESS.

 

 

 

 

Peruano99 - no kids. And yeah I realise how unhealthy this whole situation is and that I shouldn't defend him and still think about him but I really struggle to control it. But thinking is all that's left of it, there is no more contact

 

 

WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE AND UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR BRAIN AND HEART AREN'T LIKE FAWCETS THAT YOU CAN JUST TURN OFF AND ON.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[beach]

I think your M could potentially get better if you expressed to your H how you're feeling.

 

Only when honesty is on the table can any relationship grow.

 

Have you considered counseling?

[oldshirt]

*please bear in mind I really am in a lot of pain over this and already feel utterly worthless so don't find repeatedly being told I meant nothing is helping. If that's the essence of the message you want to say, please show a bit of compassion as I really am hurting and only came here for support xx

 

 

 

It may feel like people are rubbing your face in your own turds at the moment but it's because you've spent 4 weeks and 17 pages making justifications and excuses on why this OM should love you and ride up on his white horse and carrying you away to PrincessLand and how he has done you wrong.

 

 

You are still in your affair fog and you are still pining for him and still protecting him and still making excuses for him and for yourself. You have shown only pain and sadness and disdain over your OM dumping you and taking up with someone else. you have shown no true remorse for cheating on your husband and the pain and sadness you have caused him. it's pretty apparent that if your OM was to have a change of heart and show up on your doorstep that you would take up with him again.

 

 

If people really didn't care they wouldn't write out long pages of explanations and point-counter-point dialoge with you. They would simply say, "Oh you poor dear. let's kiss those boo-boos and make it all better and that mean old man will see the light and come back to you and if he doesn't, it's his loss" blah blah blah.

 

 

One of these days very soon, it's all going to click and you're going to see the light. When that day happens, these same people that seem to be rubbing your nose in it now are going to be the ones that are going to try to help pick you back up and get you pointed down the right path to recovery.

 

 

I don't wish you pain and I don't think anyone else still following this thread does either. we can only work with what you give us to work with and so far the main thing you have been giving us is justifications, excuses and a perspective as seen through the fog of the affair.

 

 

Right now you are like a drug addict still under the influence of your last high. until you have completely dried out and can see with your own eyes the damage the drug has caused and how it all came to pass, then nothing we say will have any real affect. you have to dry out and get over the effects of the high before you'll see what people are trying to do.

[peruano99]

Okay Wistful girl I have suffered from extreme depression for 5 years before and also bipolar disorder so I advice you to go talk to a psychologist about these issues that you are having...you have to be in peace with yourself before you try to work your relationship out.

[oldshirt]

....

 

That's a bit presumptuous to say that "all it took" were a few winks, flirts and conversations to make me "spread my legs". Believe me, over the almost 15 years I've now been with my H I've had plenty of "winks, flirts and conversations" but never "spread my legs" as you so nicely put it for anyone that whole time except him.

 

 

 

 

 

that's from your perspective.

 

 

 

 

from his perspective all it took was some winks, flirts and some convo's.

 

 

again, from his perspective, he knows firsthand what you do behind your husband's back.

 

 

It doesn't really matter to him if a million failed before him.

 

 

and if he's been around the block a time or two, he really doesn't believe everything that comes out of your mouth either. you could have told him he was only your 3 lover and that you have resisted countless others but it's likely in one ear and out the other.

[oldshirt]

 

Is it not at all conceivable that I had meant something to him?

 

 

Mihuelcerventes - thanks for your response. A lot I can agree with, although at the end you seem to contradict yourself by essentislly saying that it WAS only about sex. Is this all that most men ate bothered about or is it only me that is only a "hole"? Don't you think any OM in affairs have feelings for their MW or is it only mine that didnt give a f*ck?

 

 

 

I'll say it again, it's likely he did have some feelings for you. He likely had a variety of feelings to one degree or another with all the other women he's been with too.

 

 

Like one of the other posters said, why do it at all if there aren't any feelings over it?? Playa's have feelings. They really like the feelings in fact. That's why they chase the rush from one woman to the next and to the next.

 

 

I'd be willing to bet he had some warm and affectionate feelings for you. For whatever reason, he simply didn't want to continue with the relationship. unfortunately You were one of many, not 'the one.'

[miguelcervantes]

Wistfulgirl, this is not meant to attack you. I will clarify what I said. You got played - pure and simple - by someone who is not worth giving your love and time to. Is it possible for other men to love you - yes. But if they did, they would do the right thing by you (if they have an ounce of integrity, character etc).

 

This OM is not as good as your husband so forget about him. You are hurting because you gave him your heart - something that should belong to your husband (so double the hurt since you know this).

 

You need to focus on

 

• Finding out what went wrong in your marriage and either ending it or giving it a chance with a well thought out plan (both options would mean no contact with OM and toxic friend)
  
• Working on yourself - get healthy, individual counselling, building up your self-worth/self-respect
  

 

Don't try and over analyse the OM's reasons for doing whatever he did or is doing - real waste of your very valuable energy. You have a lot of love to give - do it in the right way, at the right time and with the right person. This thing with the OM was not right on any of these 3 points. (Notice I have stopped calling him POSOM to help you along - but I am still thinking it )

[wistfulgirl]

Miguelcerventes - thanks for your comments. I know you're right, it's just hard to feel positive about things and do feel very down on myself about how he left things but know its for the best as I obviously didnt mean as much to him as he did to me.

 

Old shirt - thanks to you too, I know a lot of what you've said makes sense, it's just hard to hear that even though "he probably did like me to one degree or another" he clearly thought that he could do better hence why he ended things and went searching for someone more worthy of treating well online and seems to have found her in the very next girl after me! Know you say she's irrelevant but it feels really relevant to me due to the fact he's seemly commuted to her, at least for now, which kinda blows the whole "commitment phobe" or "playa" whichever one you think best fits, out of the water.

 

 

You said one day it will all click and I'll see the light, what is it you don't think I'm seeing at the moment? I'm seeing that (for him at least) it's over, I wasnt "the one" for him, I've betrayed my H and marriage vows for "a fling" (even though it wasnt for me it obviously was for him) ive been rejected for another girl he went out looking for and that I'm now suffering from my actions. What is it you think that will eventually "click" and I'll be even worse and the people on here commenting will be helping to pick me back up from?

 

 

Pereuno99 / Beach - yes I've been in individual CBT for over a year, have seen a few psychologists and counsellors (which I had started seeing before A started) as I realise I have issues that stem back a long time. This situation has triggered off all my feelings of self loathing and worthlessness which is why I've tried to seek a different perspective that will make me feel better about myself and not so disposable.

 

 

Glad that the comment "you're disgusting" by another poster has been removed, wasn't really very helpful or supportive...

 

 

Xxx

Edited February 11, 2014 by wistfulgirl

[peruano99]

Okay now tell me what do you plan to do now? Are you ready to love your husband like you should? If the OM comes back and asks you to have another affair with him, would you do it? Would you leave your H?

[wistfulgirl]

I do love my husband but in such a different way to how I loved fOM. Don't know if it's possible to recreate that as the dynamic is so different (obviously some elements are FAR better) but didnt know I could fall as hard as I did so sad to think ill never feel that way again.

 

I don't know what is do if he turned up and wanted to be with me after how he's left things and how much he's hurt me. Don't think I could ever get past that. Know it wont ever happen though. And I'd never have an affair again, way to much pain and guilt and made me into someone I didn't recognise or like.

[oldshirt]

 

Old shirt - thanks to you too, I know a lot of what you've said makes sense, it's just hard to hear that even though "he probably did like me to one degree or another" he clearly thought that he could do better hence why he ended things and went searching for someone more worthy of treating well online and seems to have found her in the very next girl after me! Know you say she's irrelevant but it feels really relevant to me due to the fact he's seemly commuted to her, at least for now, which kinda blows the whole "commitment phobe" or "playa" whichever one you think best fits, out of the water.

 

 

 

 

In one of your earlier posts you relayed that he hasn't been with anyone for more than a matter of months.

 

Why are you so sure it's going to be any different with this gal?

[oldshirt]

 

 

You said one day it will all click and I'll see the light, what is it you don't think I'm seeing at the moment? I'm seeing that (for him at least) it's over, I wasnt "the one" for him, I've betrayed my H and marriage vows for "a fling" (even though it wasnt for me it obviously was for him) ive been rejected for another girl he went out looking for and that I'm now suffering from my actions. What is it you think that will eventually "click" and I'll be even worse and the people on here commenting will be helping to pick me back up from?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well when you put it like that, I'd say you're getting pretty dang close.

[wistfulgirl]

In one of your earlier posts you relayed that he hasn't been with anyone for more than a matter of months.

 

Why are you so sure it's going to be any different with this gal?

 

Because, given that on another post I said I'd found out they had booked a trip together for another couple of months time, this will be the longest relationship he's ever had. The only other 2 that lasted a "full 6mths" were ones where they cheated on him...and with this girl they has both met online actively looking for a relationship. The fact that he has burned bridges with me, which I doubt he would have done unless "in love" with someone else, and that his family are apparently now pressuring him to settle down as has always run away from intimacy and relationships. And the fact that it would be a final kick in the teeth for him to properly settle down with the first girl after me.

[peruano99]

How long have you been married to your husband? It seems strange that you love a man who has been with you only for months more than a man who has been with you for years. I still think you were not fully in love with the OM, but like some people here said you thought you did because of an affair fog.

[oldshirt]

Because, given that on another post I said I'd found out they had booked a trip together for another couple of months time, this will be the longest relationship he's ever had. The only other 2 that lasted a "full 6mths" were ones where they cheated on him...and with this girl they has both met online actively looking for a relationship. The fact that he has burned bridges with me, which I doubt he would have done unless "in love" with someone else, and that his family are apparently now pressuring him to settle down as has always run away from intimacy and relationships. And the fact that it would be a final kick in the teeth for him to properly settle down with the first girl after me.

 

This is an example of why people have been so harsh with you.

 

You have been almost completely unrepentant for having an affair and the pain and sorrow you have caused your husband and family. You have shown very little if any sincere remorse for that.

 

Instead all your sorrow and angst and anger and heartache has been directed towards your ON for dumping you and taking up with this other gal.

 

If he would have had you, you would have been as happy as a hog in slop divorcing your husband and taking off with the OM.

 

IMHO this whole is is more about a rejection rather than dealing with infidelity or trying to work through its aftermath. You are here primarily seeking help and support in dealing with your rejection rather than your infidelity.

 

You may understand the dilemma you are in on a conscious level but you aren't "feeling" any remorse yet. You feel remorse that your OM dumped you and moved on, not for your infidelity.

[wistfulgirl]

We've been married over 4 years but together almost 15. Got together at 17. I suppose the A and ow strong I fell for fOM made me question whether I would have done this/felt so strong if my H was the right man, or whether the fOM was the right man, or whether its normal to feel distant in marriage after together that long, or whether I'm just weak and immoral...lots of questions and don't know how I'll ever truly know the answers x

[wistfulgirl]

Old shirt - what is an example of why people have been so harsh to me? And in the real world, I am working on my marriage and only post on here to let out my innermost thoughts and feelings about what happened. Just because I have mainly discussed fOM on here that does not mean that I do not feel major guilt and remorse for what I did to my H. Just that I deal with that matter very differently, perhaps due to the fact my H has not discussed my A, has not asked for details, does not bring it up, and is a very "bury your head in the sand" kind of person. He has not (to me) cried or got angry or been effected by my A (although I'm sure it must have affected him) so am not having to come on here and discuss my feelings of guilt and shame over what I did to him. He is not asking me to constantly justify myself to him and beat myself up over this so is not the main issue that I'm holding inside and asking for advice on.

 

You asked why you think will be different with her and I answered, don't know what about my response warranted your reply??

 

 

And is unfair to say I'd be "happy as a hog in slop" if I'd have left my husband. I have new with him almost half my whole life and I do not undervalue this at all. As fOM never asked me to leave I was never faced with the actual reality of leaving, but is unfair to make assumptions that I would have been wildly happy with no doubts or sadness or guilt.

 

 

Yes, perhaps this whole thing has been about rejection and hurt over how things ended rather than advice on infidelity. The threads I've started I put in the "coping" section, but were all moved to "infidelity" , probably partly due to the abuse and judgement I received there.

 

 

I'm still just a person that is hurting and looking for support.

Edited February 11, 2014 by wistfulgirl