atreides Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I did tell my H about my affair, (after it had ended for the first time after few months) but he doesn't know we saw each other couple more times months later or that we kept in contact, but the physical A was over 8 months ago, and hadnt been in contact with fOM for 3 months until I sent that text Xmas day... Do you think it is always the right thing to tell ALL details of the A (even high it's now over for good), or is it just hurting them unnecessarily to ease our own conscience? If I want to stay and work on the marriage, haven't I done enough damage already? Lies are the worst kind of damage, they most of the time are the hardest for BS to get over. Not telling him only adds to the lies and deceit. You need to tell your H that you lapsed in your A and then let him know that you will answer any question he asks, he may not want details, he may.. that is his call and no one else's. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 At the moment my thoughts are veering between feeling like I've had a lucky escape and that that leaving things nastily is the only way to close the door on the possibility of rekindling the A in the future for good and allow me to focus on my marriage. Maybe fOM never really loved me and is using these lies as an excuse to burn bridges with me... On the other hand I'm still not able to fully accept that he just played me/used me, think he really meant the things he said to me at the time he said them...feel like his accusation and coldness towards me is because he genuinely thinks I've done /said something wrong which has changed his whole perception of me. I realise I shouldn't care about what he thinks and hope one day soo I won't but as it stands I still constantly think about how things were left and feel really sad and helpless to change his opinion. God I'm pathetic :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 At the moment my thoughts are veering between feeling like I've had a lucky escape and that that leaving things nastily is the only way to close the door on the possibility of rekindling the A in the future for good and allow me to focus on my marriage. Maybe fOM never really loved me and is using these lies as an excuse to burn bridges with me... On the other hand I'm still not able to fully accept that he just played me/used me, think he really meant the things he said to me at the time he said them...feel like his accusation and coldness towards me is because he genuinely thinks I've done /said something wrong which has changed his whole perception of me. I realise I shouldn't care about what he thinks and hope one day soo I won't but as it stands I still constantly think about how things were left and feel really sad and helpless to change his opinion. God I'm pathetic :-( Just an observation, but people who get involved in affairs, married people who have them, or single people who get involved, usually don't have their stuff together. I don't want to start a ship storm with the the cheaters and other persons on this forum who obviously have their stuff together and cheat by choice, I'm talking about people I've observed in my life away from the internet who seemingly wander into extra-marital relationships, like you and your other man. My point is, he probably is just as confused as you are. You have called him a commitment-phobe who never had a relationship longer than six months. You have called yourself bipolar and depressed. I wouldn't doubt at all that he did feel he loved you. I think you are over-analyzing everything, trying to find logic where there really is none. It seems you both acted on impulse without giving much thought to it. You seem confused, but it is obvious to me, if not to anyone else posting here, that you prefer other man to your husband. If that is true, then go and try to be with other man, give it your best shot, otherwise you always will regret it. What you are doing is good for no one - not you, not your husband and arguably, not your other man. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Could you picture yourself at some point in time not being in a relationship with any man? For example, you decide that your husband is not "the one," and you decide that the other man is not, either. Could you picture yourself dumping both and trying to find someone who is right for you? Or do you feel that you always have to be in a relationship, even if the person you are in it with is not suitable for you? This is a serious question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Good question - I'm not sure...haven't been on my own for so many years have forgotten what that's like! Over the last few years I have thought I'd like to be single, and been jealous of single friends who live on their own and can act on their feelings for someone they meet. But on the other hand, I do value having someone there for me who loves me and not sure if I'm strong enough to be on my own. I don't want a relationship just to be with "someone"...but am comparing my marriage with H I've been with for 15 years to fOM who I had so many intense, connected moments with but is forbidden...I wouldn't have seriously considered leaving my H until falling for OM so the concept of being single is one i can't really imagine being an option. (I'm not even making sense anymore, sooo confused!) x Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 You were married and faithful for 15 years, you had an affair with other man for less than a year, the affair ended, your marriage still wasn't great, your friend stirred up some drama, and other man now is angry with you. All through this, you never sought out a forum to post on or question anything. What caused you to post is your worry that other man will think ill of you. Not because you are worried your husband might find out and leave you. Not because your marriage still is not great. Not because you think your husband will think ill of you. It is all about other man. Do you not see how much more you value and want other man over your husband? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Yeah I can see its not healthy how much I care about him and his opinion if me even though its over, and I did post on another forum when A ended 1st time and I told my H and moved out, but was questioning whether to work on M or fight for OM. I decided to work on M as OM had ended it and had said he didn't want to destroy my life as if left for him and it didnt work out between us I'd have uprooted my whole life for nothing. But then we kept in contact so couldn't get over him... Even if I wanted to fight for OM he hadn't replied to my last few messages and believes I'm a liar now so would be no point trying :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 1. If you are not happy with your husband, why stay? Why not go look for another person like other man who you have more connection and passion with? Why settle? 2. Maybe other man thinks you are the one who can't commit. Maybe if you left your husband and went to him IN PERSON not sent emails or texts (which are kind of a weak way to convince someone of strong feelings in my opinion) he would give a better listen to what you have to say, be more likely to believe it, and possibly get back with you. 3. Can you be man-less? If other man doesn't want to make a go of it, and you don't have that feeling for your husband? Or is being without a man not an option? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I supposed I'm just scared either way if making the biggest mistake of my life. I could leave my husband and walk away from a future which is all layed out in front of me to find I never get what I'm looking for and had thrown away the only man to ever love me Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 This sounds like a distorted version of Gone with the Wind: Of course, the comic figure in all this is the long suffering Mr. Wilkes! Mr. Wilkes, who can't be mentally faithful to his wife...and won't be unfaithful to her technically. Why doesn't he make up his mind? In your story you are the Ashley Wilkes character, except you were technically unfaithful to your husband. It seems very ironic that all the things you accuse this OM of doing, you have done to your husband and more. You state that you love your husband, but I don’t think you even know what love is for sure. The “I’m not in love with my husband” is cheater double speak. What you describe for your husband is admiration for his ability to provide for the family, support the family, be a loving father, but that is not love that a husband and wife share. You seem to have this harlequin romance version in your mind, which is really infatuation and not love either. The butterfly feeling that you desire never lasts with anybody, not even your OM. You had an affair, not a loving relationship…………period. The odd thing that you keep lamenting, is not so much that it ended, but how it ended. The ending of the affair was fine as long as you were able to preserve the fantasy of the affair, the Affair to Remember delusion. When he challenged the affair as just sex with some crazy lying broad, then you were depressed. If you had truly loved him, the love of him would have been devastating, but to you it was the loss of the fantasy. The sad part of the Gone with the Wind story is that Scarlett let the man that really loved her get away for a fantasy that never was in real life. Eventually, Rhett refuses to continue to let someone play him for a sap and leaves the relationship, frankly not giving a d***. The closing scene of that move, Scarlett realizes that she has made a terrible mistake and dedicates herself to getting her husband back one day. I don’t know if your marriage is worth savings, as you have told us very little of that relationship and instead concentrated on the fantasy of the affair. Is there intimacy in your marriage? Does your husband do things that shows that he cares for you? Do you outwardly appear to be a loving wife and inwardly lament the touch of another OM? Only you can really say what the current state of your marriage is like. But I don’t see how anyone can be happy with the current state of the marriage. The question you have to decide is if you want to do the hard work to make a marriage work or retreat to the fantasy of the affair that is gone with the wind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I supposed I'm just scared either way if making the biggest mistake of my life. I could leave my husband and walk away from a future which is all layed out in front of me to find I never get what I'm looking for and had thrown away the only man to ever love me Wistful, reread that last line you wrote. "thrown away the only man to ever love me." He's always there for you. He's not the one who cheated. He's not hung up on a romance that's dead in the water. HE'S THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU!!! God, how can you be so dense?! Cling to him. Love him. Give him your best. Forget the other guy. That relationship was doomed from the start. Look at what you have right in front of you. Don't let it get away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 That's an interesting take on the situation, I have never read Gone with the Wind but I certainly will do now! *I know how ironic the situation is and that I probably deserve all the hurt an confusion from this as all my own doing* I love my H for the good times and history we have, the fact that I know he would never hurt me and has loved me and stayed with me through some very dark times. We have many mutual friends and our families are close, and he offers me stability and commitment. What we are lacking is similar interests, same sense of humour, don't see the world in the same way, puts me down regularly and disconnected, mechanical sex. I know the butterfly feeling wouldn't have lasted if in actual R with fOM but seemed we had a lot more in common and would be more connected after the honeymoon period had ended (but ill never know) The ending of the A wasnt fine, I was devestated at the time, and again when he got a GF and we ended contact 3 months ago, but has hurt so much now knowing his whole memory and perception of me, which I guess has therefore ruined the fantasy of the "perfect connection" we had. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Thummper - I completely get what your saying and know how stupid and obvious this seems, but I feel like I want to be just as in love with my partner and hate the thought that ill never feel that connection and magic again for the rest of my life Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I'm afraid it feels like someone banging their head repeatedly against a brick wall here. Your feelings for your other man are evidently preoccupying you, while your feelings for your husband appear substantially less important, which leads again to the issue of allowing the poor chap to find someone who will love him as he deserves, not as a secondary back up plan! Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Wistful, reread that last line you wrote. "thrown away the only man to ever love me." He's always there for you. He's not the one who cheated. He's not hung up on a romance that's dead in the water. HE'S THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU!!! God, how can you be so dense?! Cling to him. Love him. Give him your best. Forget the other guy. That relationship was doomed from the start. Look at what you have right in front of you. Don't let it get away. She's deep down in the fog. She may be reading what you're writing but she won't care. It's gonna take some time to get out of the fog. And if she's still caring about OM, she's not going to get out of the fog. Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Your post attracts my attention for the reason that I have struggled with anxiety and depression as well - much of it went undiagnosed for years. I used to "self-medicate" with attention from others, particularly men who would flirt with me. It wasn't like I went out looking for it, but I was vulnerable to it when I got it. Romance is like a drug, especially in the early stages. I had a good man and what could have been a good marriage (and was from time to time) but I felt something "missing" from it and became prey to someone willing to provide that something (online EA). It killed my marriage and took away from me the most patient, abiding and caring person I have ever known. Fortunately after the marriage was over I later had a relationship with someone the complete opposite, so I am not so spoiled by my ex-hubs that I'd still consider someone who doesn't have ALL his traits. Plus he kept his gripes to himself, which also contributed to the downfall. He did not challenge me on much of anything. But I have learned. Nearly all strong attractions are fierce and intense in the beginning and fizzle out over time. It doesn't say anything about the quality of the relationship if it's wonderful at the beginning, honestly. Everything gets swept under the rug. My advice: do two things. Take a good look at your husband. If he's a decent man and good to you, read some of the marriage builders books and fall in love with each other again. You did it once; it can happen again. Two: get treated for the depression and anxiety by learning some techniques on how to deal with it - instead of or in conjunction with medication. It's a rare relationship that is strong enough to withstand our negative thoughts about it, and learning to love what you have is a major key to happiness. ("Shift happens" is a good book for this. Get the audio book and keep it handy as I do, for whenever I am dealing with negativity in my head.) And a warning: However your husband reacts to your affair, there is bound to be residual resentment and the possibility of his own affair down the road. (My EA was strictly online and LD, my ex-hubs revenge affair was live and at work.) Either part with your husband or repair the marriage, BUT in any case, you cannot be a whole person until you learn to deal with the depression and anxiety all by yourself. If you can do that, it will change your life! Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 JourneyLady - thanks for your post, it's really helpful to know that others have been through what I have and got through it. With hindsight do you regret how things turned out? Or are you glad you followed your heart at the time regardless of how things ended with fOM? X Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Good question - I'm not sure...haven't been on my own for so many years have forgotten what that's like! Over the last few years I have thought I'd like to be single, and been jealous of single friends who live on their own and can act on their feelings for someone they meet. But on the other hand, I do value having someone there for me who loves me and not sure if I'm strong enough to be on my own. I don't want a relationship just to be with "someone"...but am comparing my marriage with H I've been with for 15 years to fOM who I had so many intense, connected moments with but is forbidden...I wouldn't have seriously considered leaving my H until falling for OM so the concept of being single is one i can't really imagine being an option. (I'm not even making sense anymore, sooo confused!) x The confusion is both from the affair fog and the fact that the depression and anxiety are the REAL issues. You need to acknowledge you've become an addict: you are addicted your AP's attention. It has distracted you from your depression and anxiety and has become a drug. You will learn only regret if you continue to follow any course of action rather than looking at the depression and anxiety issues and getting other ways to help those, rather than self-medicating with "love". Work at treating your issues first. If you don't, you will continue to have relationship issues for whatever relationship you are in, no matter HOW good it may start out. Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 JourneyLady - thanks for your post, it's really helpful to know that others have been through what I have and got through it. With hindsight do you regret how things turned out? Or are you glad you followed your heart at the time regardless of how things ended with fOM? X Every dang day I regret it. Quite often I whisper to my absent ex-hubs (who divorced me and married his AP) all the things I wished I known about myself when I was with him. And specifically how sorry I am that I wasn't as good to him as he deserved and promising to treat every relationship in my life much better... My OM was overseas and an old pervert who was entertaining and manage to seduce my naive and fogged self into an online affair. I learned to throw myself into work (like my workaholic ex-hubs) and was starting to distance from the affair. But it still meant I was distracting from, not dealing with, the depressive issues. I am only learning to do that now that I am finally alone for so long. My heart - when I finally realized the marriage was ending - broke. I nearly committed suicide; that's how much the shock hurt when there was no going back. This was NOT my choice, but my ex-hubs. Worse yet, I still love him after all these years, but he has remarried his AP and is not likely to divorce again. I feel lucky and grateful he has chosen to continue to support me, because my depressive issues still make it hard to keep a job. My heart fooled me. My EAP did not really love me or even care about me. I realized that when I let him know my ex-hubs was in an affair. He was someone who just entertains himself with women online and he went on to have several others. My ex-husband did love me: if he still does, he can't say so now that he has remarried and I don't approach married men. He loved my family too, and keeps in touch with them regardless of how painful that was to my healing. I have learned to accept that and truthfully... It helps to know that his love for my family endures. His AP/wife knowing them... not so much. Your heart is more than just your emotions. You invest in someone when you spend time with them, whether you realize it or not. They become part of you - your second nature. You don't know it until they are not there to complain to, or whisper to, or say "ping" as you pass each other in the hallway. You don't know until you miss every little irritating thing about them and would gladly go to any event they'd be interested in just to see them there. It's like the Carly Simon song that goes "You have to hurt, to understand." You believe you are hurting now from the AP -- it's massively more when it's someone who has been in your life for many years. I almost committed suicide when I realized. No, I am not glad I followed my "heart", because that kind of "love" is not from the heart at all. The heart gives time and patience and quality - not hurry and lies and secrecy. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 At the moment my thoughts are veering between feeling like I've had a lucky escape and that that leaving things nastily is the only way to close the door on the possibility of rekindling the A in the future for good and allow me to focus on my marriage. Maybe fOM never really loved me and is using these lies as an excuse to burn bridges with me... On the other hand I'm still not able to fully accept that he just played me/used me, think he really meant the things he said to me at the time he said them...feel like his accusation and coldness towards me is because he genuinely thinks I've done /said something wrong which has changed his whole perception of me. I realise I shouldn't care about what he thinks and hope one day soo I won't but as it stands I still constantly think about how things were left and feel really sad and helpless to change his opinion. God I'm pathetic :-( Do you love the om more than your husband? Answer that question and you will know what you need to do next. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) It's a completely different kind of love I have for fOM and my husband. Haven't felt such intense passion and connection as with fOM, but how he has cruelly cut me off and accused me of lying and not responsed to my last 2 heartfelt messages he clearly doesn't feel the same so couldn't have been "meant to be" like it felt to me if he can leave things so nastily Edited January 4, 2014 by wistfulgirl Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) It's a completely different kind of love I have for fOM and my husband. Haven't felt such intense passion and connection as with fOM, but how he has cruelly cut me off and accused me of lying and not responsed to my last 2 heartfelt messages he clearly doesn't feel the same so couldn't have been "meant to be" like it felt to me if he can leave things so nastily Hm....it appears you have more affection towards the OM. Also in your other thread regarding the OM you said this: I do love him and want him to be happy, just wish I could be the one to make him happy. Really confused about whole situation, but guess part of me does hope he still has feelings for me. Well you have to make a choice. You can't be with two men now. Either choose your husband or the OM. Edited January 5, 2014 by peruano99 Link to post Share on other sites
Debanked Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 How many people are "in love" with their partners after 15 years? *Raises hand.* 2 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I read your other thread and it appears you are still in love with the other man. I think you really need to be honest with your husband now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Peruano99 - thanks for reply...my feelings are stronger for OM yes, and think about him every day but looks like that is completely over for good so doesn't seem much point in chasing him with how things have been left. Not sure i want to throw my marriage away and think that telling him I'm "in love" with someone else is essentially destroying ths marriage and devastating my H unnecessarily when A and now contact is over. Also, a few others have said it doesn't sound like I love fOM but was infatuated...what's your take on this? Link to post Share on other sites
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