sidney2718 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Peruano99 - thanks for reply...my feelings are stronger for OM yes, and think about him every day but looks like that is completely over for good so doesn't seem much point in chasing him with how things have been left. Not sure i want to throw my marriage away and think that telling him I'm "in love" with someone else is essentially destroying ths marriage and devastating my H unnecessarily when A and now contact is over. Also, a few others have said it doesn't sound like I love fOM but was infatuated...what's your take on this? I don't have to tell you that this is a very difficult situation. You should never have taken up with the OM at all. But you did and after 6 months he dropped you, probably for somebody else. You should have let him go then. And he's been trying to drop you ever since and you won't let go. On the other hand you need to divorce your husband. He does not need to live with someone who does not love him. But he can't drop you any more than you can drop the OM. So YOU are the lynchpin in this situation. You have got to drop BOTH OF THEM. Yes, it will hurt your husband badly, but he has a long life to live yet. And it will hurt you, but you too have a long life to live. It will, however, please your OM, so you can be happy about that. Yes, there is no good solution to all this except to free everybody to live their own lives, including you. I trust you are not so foolish as to think that there is nobody else out there you can be happy with. There are LOTS of such people. Seek them out and get on with your life. And do the right thing for the men in your life now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Peruano99 - thanks for reply...my feelings are stronger for OM yes, and think about him every day but looks like that is completely over for good so doesn't seem much point in chasing him with how things have been left. Not sure i want to throw my marriage away and think that telling him I'm "in love" with someone else is essentially destroying ths marriage and devastating my H unnecessarily when A and now contact is over. Also, a few others have said it doesn't sound like I love fOM but was infatuated...what's your take on this? but you should tell him, it will help bring you closer to objectively knowing what and how you really feel. The pain that may come from telling him may help you realize more than you know. I guarantee your feelings for the OM are based in lust you are also in the A fog which will always make the AP seem brighter. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Realist3 - why? What does he think I have done wrong then?? I'm sure the issue of you being married had something to do with it. When faced with an available gal - why wouldn't he chose a gal who's single? Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 You went back to your husband. Perhaps I'm projecting, but I think you truly love him. Look past the passion, connection, and romance with the OM and do some research on limerence. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Well I don't know, Only you will know if you love him or were just feeling infatuated. You know at least let your husband know you don't have the same feelings as you did with the OM. He deserves to know that. What's the things the OM has done that your husband hasn't in 15 years that made you love him more? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Sidney2718 - thanks for your reply. Not sure it's true that fOM has been trying to get rid of me ever since he ended A, he had kept the bulk of the contact going until I cut contact 3.5mths ago, he's only now being cold since I sent merry Xmas and he said is because I lied (mutual "friend" had distorted our conversation about us and he seems to believe her). I do understand why you say I should end my M but I do still love my H, just not in the same was as fOM Atriedes - how can I get out of the A fog? Don't think telling my H that we had been keeping contact up until months ago will stop my feelings, it didnt when I told him when it ended the first time.. Beach - well look how many posters on the OM /OW forum still chose their married AP over more suitable single partners...and he knew I was married when he first met me Muddyfootprints - yes I've read a lot on affairs, limerance , love addiction, commitmentphobia, obsessive love etc to try and understand myself and the situation with fOM. Intellectually I know it was unhealthy and damaging for all involved but emotionally I still feel so strongly for him and hate it being left so horribly Peruano99 - that's a good question...will give it some thought but my initial response is just that I felt like we "got" each other, felt like I'd known him all my life and he made me feel alive Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 If you feel that you will leave your husband if the OM wants to be together with you, then it is time to divorce your husband. You can't be happy with someone you don't fully love. It will only end badly. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Well I don't know, Only you will know if you love him or were just feeling infatuated. You know at least let your husband know you don't have the same feelings as you did with the OM. He deserves to know that. What's the things the OM has done that your husband hasn't in 15 years that made you love him more? The problem is she won't know! One knows months or years later when the infatuation subsides. Then one can look back and realize how stupid it was to throw away everything for nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Tiredofitall2 - ...and this is why I'm stuck. Don't know what to do, I'm so confused. And fOM doesn't want me anyway, and is only man I have fallen for that hard that I'd have risked everything for Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Tiredofitall2 - ...and this is why I'm stuck. Don't know what to do, I'm so confused. And fOM doesn't want me anyway, and is only man I have fallen for that hard that I'd have risked everything for The ONLY right thing to do is to never contact him again and continue to work in your M. The whole letting your H know that you love the OM thing I'm not sure I agree with. Why? Because I truly believe it is infatuation and based on the fact that you and the OM did not have a "real" life together. Why further hurt your H with "wayward babble"? Most people feel strongly about their AP. It is very common. "He's my soul mate" is a very common statement by WS. Time is the only thing that will take it away. Read, learn and see things for what they are. The fantasy is always more attractive than real life. It was wrong of you to contact him on X-mas. Be strong, delete any contact information you have of him, forget his phone number and change your number as well. Stay away from FB and other social media. Delete it if you need to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Thanks for your advice, it seems like the best and only option and I hope with time and no contact my feelings for fOM will fade and I'll see things for what they were, perhaps just a reaction to feeling low about myself and emotional distance in my marriage. I know this is pathetic and should be irrelevant to me...but do you think from fOM's perspective I meant anything to him? Do you think he is likely to contact me again, even just to leave things on a better note? Know I'm clinging into the fantasy, it just so new and raw at the moment and feels so hurtful that he's left things like this when I've never lied to him and only ever loved him Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Thanks for your advice, it seems like the best and only option and I hope with time and no contact my feelings for fOM will fade and I'll see things for what they were, perhaps just a reaction to feeling low about myself and emotional distance in my marriage. I know this is pathetic and should be irrelevant to me...but do you think from fOM's perspective I meant anything to him? Do you think he is likely to contact me again, even just to leave things on a better note? Know I'm clinging into the fantasy, it just so new and raw at the moment and feels so hurtful that he's left things like this when I've never lied to him and only ever loved him That is exactly the problem. I think he will contact you again and if you don't put a stop to it you will fall again. You will then devastate your H. The thing is that you are "needy" right now and it is not a good place to be. You need to clear your head and not talk to your H about this at this very moment because it is not your rational brain talking. It is like you're a teenager in love. You would be talking babble and it is not based on reality. It's like a drug addict trying to justify their need for their drug of choice. You need to detox! The only thing to do it is to stay away FOREVER! That is, if you want to save your M. It is healthy to talk about it, but at some point you will have to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I know this is pathetic and should be irrelevant to me...but do you think from fOM's perspective I meant anything to him? Do you think he is likely to contact me again, even just to leave things on a better note? Know I'm clinging into the fantasy, it just so new and raw at the moment and feels so hurtful that he's left things like this when I've never lied to him and only ever loved him This is prima facie evidence of somebody in the fog. Read and reread what you just posted, OP. You are letting yourself chase that rabbit down the hole. It doesn't matter what you meant to OM. Does. Not. Matter. Read. Comprehend. Digest. He's not your husband. You are not in a relationship with OM. This is the kind of thinking you have to steer away from if you want to get out of the fog. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 The drug analogy is exactly spot on - he is like crack to me, I even told him I would get like this when we first started and now he's withdrawn the "supply" I'm desperate for more, or to at least know the possibility of more is there. So you are right, I need to use how nastily things have been left to fuel me to "hate him" and move on. Just can't help wondering if he still thinks of me or if he really believes I lied about him to mutual "friend". I hope this gets easier Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Of course he thinks of you, but as a piece of meat he can always come back to whenever he pleases. I know, I'm a man. In case you were thinking about living happily ever after with OM. "In the book Private Lies by Dr. Frank Pittman, he has a very good summary of reasons why second marriages between persons involved in an affair very seldom succeed. Generally he notes that disasters are only inevitable when people use romance to jump from marriage to marriage without a rest stop between. He says that there is something inherently doomed in those marriages that begin as marriage-wrecking affairs. He noted that in his practice while over half the people who get into romantic affairs end up divorced, only one-fourth marry the affairee. It is likely that over three-fourths of these affair marriages end up in divorce. He says that there is a greater likelihood that the divorcing partner will be back with the original spouse in five years that that the romantic affair will be a stable marriage at that time. He gives 12 reasons for this phenomenon: - Intervention of reality - Guilt - Disparity of sacrifice - Expectations - General distrust of marriage - Distrust of affairee - Divided loyalties - The nature of infidels - The nature of affairees - Romance - Scapegoating the betrayed - Unshared history Out of 100 couples, (Pittman's sample in his book private lies) He said 50% of affairs couples divorced. But, only 12% (12) actually married OP. And then 75% of those failed (12*.75)= 9 Thus only 3 married betrayers are left" From MA. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Interesting statistics. I suppose everyone thinks their situation is unique but you're right, the likelihood of there being any happy ending with fOM is extremely slim. Just gotta work on ways to knock him off that pedestal I've put him on :-( Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Just gotta work on ways to knock him off that pedestal I've put him on :-( This is the critical part of "affair fog." You have a fantasized version of what this guy is -- or could be -- and that is what you are holding onto. You are undoubtedly dreaming of the perfect life and marriage to this person, aren't you? Now think back to the guy you are married to… Did you do the same thing during your engagement? Fantasize and dream about what your marriage would be like? We all do it. We all envision what our happiness state looks like in our mind and as long as you do it with the Affair Partner, your marriage doesn't stand a chance. But if you start changing the direction of visualizations BACK to your spouse, it is possible to knock the Affair Partner off the pedestal that is of your own making. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 I wouldn't say I fantasise about being married to fOM, I don't think that far ahead with him just that I crave being with him and holding each other etc. I didn't get engaged to my H until almost 9 years together so the honeymoon period had already well and truly finished! So there was no fantasising about our life together and no romance in the decision to marry, simply a natural next step we prob both thought we should make after so long. I suppose I am quite a romantic at heart so maybe fell so hard as was missing that in my life. I am also prone to over thinking and paranoia so struggling to stop thinking and caring over how it's been left Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) So do you think I should immediately divorce my H because I had an affair? Or because I don't feel the "in love" / connected feeling? Or because he should be "set free" even though he doesn't want to be? ALL THREE OF THESE REASONS! You know how we said you weren't a horrible person? Ok, have you told your husband of your betrayal yet? Have you told him to start divorcing you? If your answer is "no" then..you kinda are now becoming that horrible person. Not sure why you feel this way as others have said to work on and focus on my marriage...surely to immediately request divorce as I broke one vow of fidelity instead of trying to and stick it through "for better or worse" is just as undermining to the marriage?? Holy crap lady, you undermined your marriage when you banged another dude. Where was your "for better or worse" then? Seriously, I don't mean to be harsh, but you really do seem like you need it. Stop being so damn selfish and horrible and leave this man. I can't even believe you asked me about undermining your marriage after the way you treated this man. Yeah I didn't think of the reason for sending the text that bluntly.,.but I suppose is what I was doing essentially so that isn't right, I can see that I hate to be harsh: but I call BS, since I feel you do NOT see how crappy your behavior is since you still keep harping about this other dude and(as of me reading this comment) still haven't told your husband. You then have the gall to talk about how you shouldn't undermine your marriage by ending it so quickly, but you didn't have any problems by letting another dude all up inside you and undermining it that way. I don't say this often, but I really hope you are fake and a troll and aren't actually treating people like this. If you aren't a troll then I ask again: your husband...does he know you banged this other dude again after admitting your affair to him? You know the best thing you could do for your husband? Let him read this topic, give him a link to it. I will try to give you the benefit of the doubt, let him see the things you are writing here, to us, about this other dude. Then I'll believe you have any shred of respect or care at all for him. Edited January 5, 2014 by Spectre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Spectre - you have repeatedly given YOUR opinion on what I should do based on the limited info I have given on here. I completely understand that the course of action you suggest is what YOU think is the best thing, and that as I have failed to follow your single minded advice that I am a horrible person. I can list numerous aspects of my character and personality traits that go against your judgement but there is no point. I have got myself into my current situation but do not believe this completely writes off everything else about me. Things aren't always so black and white, and am considering the whole situation. Is it right that all marriages that have dealt with an affair (which I have read us up to 45% at some time during the M) should immediately divorce? Or that the lack of " in love" feeling is justification for divorce? I am not taking away from what I have done but moving forwards I am considering the best thing to do for ALL involved. If I did not have any care and respect for my husband the decision would be easy, walk away and don't look back. But unfortunately things aren't that simple and I do have live, care and attachment to my husband. If this makes ms a terrible person in your opinion, so be it Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Don't you think your husband deserves someone who loves him and only him? If you don't love your husband as much as you love the OM, then I think you need to tell him that ASAP. It's very clear now that if you stay with your husband, you will not be happy because you don't have the same feelings for him as you do for the other man. You being unhappy can cause you to yet again have another affair. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 That's what you guys don't get, A are not about love they are typically fueled by lust. Two very distinct things and she clearly loves her H and lusts over this OM. She needs to sort things about before opening her mouth and telling her H anything because all that will come out is WW Babble. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Thanks Tiredofitall2 - I do feel that I love fOM but I do understand that it is most likely a chemical response and am blinded by the A fog and not seeing things clearly so don't want to make any rash decisions until I have sorted my head out. My head is just clouded by the recent contacts with fOM which is why I keep bringing that up, as its made me question everything and see that I may have been willing to walk away from my whole life for someone who never have a sh*t about me Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I know exactly what you feel. I've been there. Read this article: What is Disloyal Fog? | AFFAIRCARE Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Thanks for the link, very interesting read. Suppose I'm still in denial about everything. Can't wait to the stage where the fog has cleared and my feelings have stopped cus right now I'm feeling so low and rejected at the mo and feel like I can't accept fOM's negative perception of me and just want to understand how he can be so cold? (Yes I'm banging on about him again! What's wrong with me?!) x Link to post Share on other sites
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