peruano99 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Okay so what do you plan to do? Will you pretend that nothing is wrong with your husband? What will you do if the OM contacts you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 I don't know what to do. Have got a therapy session this week so will discuss then and try and get some clarity. My head tells me I should keep quiet and focus on my marriage but my heart is in a mess and can't say for definite what I'd do if fOM contacts me. I'd like to think I would just acknowledge and thank him for replying and leaving on good note and just wish him the best, but I lose all self control when it comes to him and miss him so much would prob just keep self destructing x Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 If you decide to go back with the OM, please leave your husband and don't have another affair. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Thanks for the link, very interesting read. Suppose I'm still in denial about everything. Can't wait to the stage where the fog has cleared and my feelings have stopped cus right now I'm feeling so low and rejected at the mo and feel like I can't accept fOM's negative perception of me and just want to understand how he can be so cold? (Yes I'm banging on about him again! What's wrong with me?!) x I think his attitude towards you is an excuse as he wants out if the situation. I think he'll never see you as a suit inner mate because of what he knows you're capable of. The problem is he'll probably be back to use you as he pleases. I sure hope you've grown and are over him by then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Time will tell. Seems a bit hypocritical for him to never see me as relationship material as this was the first time either of us had done anything like that, he said he'd never been with any girl in a R let alone married and he knows he's the only A I'd ever had and was after weeks of him perusing and getting so close before went that far. But yeah, maybe he wants to get rid of me at this time but had only sent him Xmas message after months of NC. Suppose ill never know what's going on in his head, I don't even know what's going on in mine! Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Well distrust is one of the reasons affair partners rarely end up in a successful R. Another article How Often Do Affair Partners End up Marrying and Happy? | Affair Resources and Advice Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Another great article - thank you. It's really helping posting on here cus makes me question myself and my motives and feelings and get things straight in my head by writing it down. Still got along way to go and still hurts so bad to think of fOM but will hopefully get there x Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Tiredofitall2 - ...and this is why I'm stuck. Don't know what to do, I'm so confused. And fOM doesn't want me anyway, and is only man I have fallen for that hard that I'd have risked everything for No, you fell for your H, you are lusting your AP. Atriedes - how can I get out of the A fog? Don't think telling my H that we had been keeping contact up until months ago will stop my feelings, it didnt when I told him when it ended the first time.. I think you now know the answer to this based on what tiredofitall posted Thanks for your advice, it seems like the best and only option and I hope with time and no contact my feelings for fOM will fade and I'll see things for what they were, perhaps just a reaction to feeling low about myself and emotional distance in my marriage. This is exactly what i was saying, get clear of the fog to think objectively. The lust subsides, the chemicals wear off... a better place to be. I know this is pathetic and should be irrelevant to me...but do you think from fOM's perspective I meant anything to him? Do you think he is likely to contact me again, even just to leave things on a better note? Know I'm clinging into the fantasy, it just so new and raw at the moment and feels so hurtful that he's left things like this when I've never lied to him and only ever loved him No, you were "meat" as others said. he left you twice, then moved on to another piece of meat, do you need to know any more? The drug analogy is exactly spot on - he is like crack to me, I even told him I would get like this when we first started and now he's withdrawn the "supply" I'm desperate for more, or to at least know the possibility of more is there. So you are right, I need to use how nastily things have been left to fuel me to "hate him" and move on. Just can't help wondering if he still thinks of me or if he really believes I lied about him to mutual "friend". I hope this gets easier Textbook A fog. I wouldn't say I fantasise about being married to fOM, I don't think that far again textbook lust. not love. Spectre - you have repeatedly given YOUR opinion on what I should do based on the limited info I have given on here. I completely understand that the course of action you suggest is what YOU think is the best thing, and that as I have failed to follow your single minded advice that I am a horrible person. I can list numerous aspects of my character and personality traits that go against your judgement but there is no point. I have got myself into my current situation but do not believe this completely writes off everything else about me. [b}Things aren't always so black and white[/b], and am considering the whole situation. Is it right that all marriages that have dealt with an affair (which I have read us up to 45% at some time during the M) should immediately divorce? Or that the lack of " in love" feeling is justification for divorce? I am not taking away from what I have done but moving forwards I am considering the best thing to do for ALL involved. If I did not have any care and respect for my husband the decision would be easy, walk away and don't look back. But unfortunately things aren't that simple and I do have live, care and attachment to my husband. If this makes ms a terrible person in your opinion, so be it I agree and disagree with seperate points of Spectre, first, you said yourself that you want to work on your M, that means no lies right? Can you honestly build an M and have your H not know? Also i am a bit confused, your H knows about your first time with the AP right? But he does not know that you were with him the 2nd time? Or is it that you have only kept contact with your AP with nothing physical after your told your H? Either way, your H deserves to know, i believe you love him and thus it would only make sense to tell him. Where i disagree with spectre is that you should D or that all A will equal D. No, not at all. Also it is not up to anyone but your H to decide that for your situation. what i will say for your situation is if there it to be M rebuilding... is to disclose all, no lies and deceit. You said your H wants to stay, is that because he does not know the whole story? Also reflect on what your H represents to you, please make sure it is love and not the "stability" you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Another great article - thank you. It's really helping posting on here cus makes me question myself and my motives and feelings and get things straight in my head by writing it down. Still got along way to go and still hurts so bad to think of fOM but will hopefully get there x If the OM wants to get back together with you, will you have another affair? Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 If the OM wants to get back together with you, will you have another affair? This is a good question, but as I suspect it is like asking an addict if he would take his favorite drug if it was offered to him. Now, being clean for some time and having learned the destructive results of using this drug, would the same addict take the drug again? The key here is she needs time, as I'm sure she would probably do it today, but if she takes the right steps with MC/IC and gives herself time, I'm sure she would not make the same mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 If the OM wants to get back together with you, will you have another affair? This is a good question, but as I suspect it is like asking an addict if he would take his favorite drug if it was offered to him. Now, being clean for some time and having learned the destructive results of using this drug, would the same addict take the drug again? The key here is she needs time, as I'm sure she would probably do it today, but if she takes the right steps with MC/IC and gives herself time, I'm sure she would not make the same mistake. She does need time and she did answer the question when i posted something similar. Thanks Atriedes - I am looking forward to the time when I no longer care and actually even over the last few days of discovering those lies and posting here it has made me think and an starting to see things more clearly. I suppose now I missed having him in my life and prob subconsciencely wanted the assurance that he was still there....so I guess I prob would have put myself though round 3 and got thrown away again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Over the past few days I've been thinking a lot about my situation and the comments on this thread and am getting a bit clearer in my thinking. I know it doesn't sound that way but things had been improving with my H since I'd cut contact with fOM months ago, but my feelings got brought back up again when I contacted fOM at Xmas and had such a horrible response for no real reason. But the fact that he seems prepared to believe that I'm a liar and is happy to leave things on such a nasty note with me then ignore my heartfelt messages when he knows how I feel about him and have only ever been good to him shows me he can't be such an amazing person as I initially thought and is knocking him off the pedestal. Just have to work on not caring about his opinion of me, cus despite the above I am still bothered (and really wish u wasnt) Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 What would you have liked him to do? Say he loves you so you two can have another affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 No, I'd have liked him to have just said "merry Xmas too babe xxx" or something to that effect so I'd know he still cared about me and id have bedn on his mind at that moment...and suppose would have thought that possibly in the future things might have worked differently for us... Know that makes me sound bad but just being honest Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 No, I'd have liked him to have just said "merry Xmas too babe xxx" or something to that effect so I'd know he still cared about me and id have bedn on his mind at that moment...and suppose would have thought that possibly in the future things might have worked differently for us... Know that makes me sound bad but just being honest Doesn't make you sound bad, just selfish and needy. I think you need to get the A drug out of your system. Does your H yell you he loves you and how beautiful you are every day? Some more links Affair Resources and Advice | Help for ending an affair, healing, and other notes from my personal wreckage Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Lots of interesting stuff on that link, I'll take time to read it all, thank you. No he doesn't tell me he loves me or I'm beautiful, in fact for a long time all he would do is put me down, tell me how useless I am, or pretty much ignore me. Couldn't talk to him at all and felt completely alone and misunderstood. The sex was completely disconnected, like I was a piece of meat (and now I think fOM also just thought of me as a piece of meat). Things have improved over the last few months as haven't been in contact with him and have valued the fact he is actually "there" for me, but we still have little in common and see the world completely differently. Is there any advice anyone can give me on clearing the A fog? Or us it simply time and NC? Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Has your husband improved his attitude? Also think about the OM like this. He probably doesn't want to intervene with a married woman anymore and wants to have a life on his own. Also let me ask you something. If you have gotten back together with the OM, would you leave your husband so he could have found another person? Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Lots of interesting stuff on that link, I'll take time to read it all, thank you. No he doesn't tell me he loves me or I'm beautiful, in fact for a long time all he would do is put me down, tell me how useless I am, or pretty much ignore me. Couldn't talk to him at all and felt completely alone and misunderstood. The sex was completely disconnected, like I was a piece of meat (and now I think fOM also just thought of me as a piece of meat). Things have improved over the last few months as haven't been in contact with him and have valued the fact he is actually "there" for me, but we still have little in common and see the world completely differently. Is there any advice anyone can give me on clearing the A fog? Or us it simply time and NC? I asked because, NO, your situation with this OM is not special. A always start in very similar ways. You engaged in the A because of the attention he was giving you. You can end the addiction by staying away and recognizing the A for what it was. There was not magic, no pixie dust, no unicorns. Just the usual butterflies in the stomach you feel when you eat from the forbidden fruit. The novelty of OM compared to your H and your H lack of attention. He is guilty of not verbalizing his feeling for you and for not being attentive, but he is not guilty of your A. You can make it right. NC and time. Oh, and education. Read as much as you can. Read A books and go to MC. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 His attitude has improved somewhat, as has mine towards him. We used to live almost completely seperate lives, go out with our own friends seperately, watch different things on tv, sit as far away from each other as possible and all this has improved since I told him how unhappy I was months ago. He is making more effort and so am I, I just think about fOM every day (although not so romantically now he has been so cruel in how he's left things). I do understand however that the situation wasnt ideal for him, but at the time if he would have asked me to be with him and leave my H I would have done. Highly doubt ill ever speak to fOM again with how things have been left, I certainly won't initiate any contact with him as said all I wanted to say in last message to him (which he ignored) so the "fantasy" has been damaged now. The ideal situation for me is to genuinely stop caring /thinking about fOM and work on my M and look towards starting a family (as I have been petrified about the prospect of this as would shut the door on fOM for good). I'm just not quite there yet :-( Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 The OM must have looked like a model to have such a high impact on you. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Looks have nothing to do with it. The impact of A is how the A makes OP feel about themselves. She felt cared for, loved and attractive. The AP could have looked like a monkey's ass. Or he might be handsome. But completely irrelevant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 His attitude has improved somewhat, as has mine towards him. We used to live almost completely seperate lives, go out with our own friends seperately, watch different things on tv, sit as far away from each other as possible and all this has improved since I told him how unhappy I was months ago. He is making more effort and so am I, I just think about fOM every day (although not so romantically now he has been so cruel in how he's left things). I do understand however that the situation wasnt ideal for him, but at the time if he would have asked me to be with him and leave my H I would have done. Highly doubt ill ever speak to fOM again with how things have been left, I certainly won't initiate any contact with him as said all I wanted to say in last message to him (which he ignored) so the "fantasy" has been damaged now. The ideal situation for me is to genuinely stop caring /thinking about fOM and work on my M and look towards starting a family (as I have been petrified about the prospect of this as would shut the door on fOM for good). I'm just not quite there yet :-( That's not a good foundation to start a family on. His needs Her needs is a good book to read. Some here are not a fan of Dr. Harley, but I think this is a good book. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Just downloaded a sample so will check it out! And no, his looks were irrelevant, I found him very handsome but could be argued that my H is better looking, depends on opinion. But yeah, he effected me so much and still is... Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 You know I feel like you are going to get back together with your husband just to not hurt him if you were to leave him. Since you said he cried when you tried to leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Looks have nothing to do with it. The impact of A is how the A makes OP feel about themselves. She felt cared for, loved and attractive. The AP could have looked like a monkey's ass. Or he might be handsome. But completely irrelevant. Not always. A man who has an affair would most likely do it with an attractive woman. Link to post Share on other sites
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