Do they ever go back to being "Prince Charming"?

[ladybug1984]

I apologize, as I cannot remember who said what with the different threads. I have read each and every response that you all have shared and I appreciate each and every one!

 

 

Someone referenced that what makes it so hard to let go sometimes is that one is hoping that the person will go back to being the same person they were during the early period with all of the attention, affection, compliments, etc. and THAT is what keeps some people coming back, thinking that the person will eventually go back to that. That the 'illusion' of what they thought that person was is what they are hoping to get back and NOT the 'real' person. I absolutely agree with this after thinking it through! My question is DOES THE PERSON EVER TRULY GO BACK TO THAT?? Is it truly just wishful thinking or do they ever truly go back to that? I guess nobody can look into a crystal ball and give a definitive answer, but wondering if based on experience anyone has thoughts on this?

[M30USA]

I apologize, as I cannot remember who said what with the different threads. I have read each and every response that you all have shared and I appreciate each and every one!

 

 

Someone referenced that what makes it so hard to let go sometimes is that one is hoping that the person will go back to being the same person they were during the early period with all of the attention, affection, compliments, etc. and THAT is what keeps some people coming back, thinking that the person will eventually go back to that. That the 'illusion' of what they thought that person was is what they are hoping to get back and NOT the 'real' person. I absolutely agree with this after thinking it through! My question is DOES THE PERSON EVER TRULY GO BACK TO THAT?? Is it truly just wishful thinking or do they ever truly go back to that? I guess nobody can look into a crystal ball and give a definitive answer, but wondering if based on experience anyone has thoughts on this?

 

I don't see why you'd honestly expect a spouse to go back to his/her dating personality. That whole personality is fake to begin with--just like an advertisement which highlights the product in the best possible way (using embellishment) and doesn't mention the downsides. So to expect a spouse to begin doing this again is unrealistic. This is why, in the future, I am going to look at how a woman acts in ordinary, mundane situations. Hopefully I will have known her for a long time before marriage and seen how she acts before there was the need to act and impress anyone.

[ladybug1984]

I don't see why you'd honestly expect a spouse to go back to his/her dating personality. That whole personality is fake to begin with--just like an advertisement which highlights the product in the best possible way (using embellishment) and doesn't mention the downsides. So to expect a spouse to begin doing this again is unrealistic. This is why, in the future, I am going to look at how a woman acts in ordinary, mundane situations. Hopefully I will have known her for a long time before marriage and seen how she acts before there was the need to act and impress anyone.

 

M30USA, I tried to post and it wasn't showing up, so I hope it doesn't show up twice! This is NOT a spouse, and you are right, I wouldn't expect that from a spouse, either. I do understand not everybody is going to be that way and it would be unusual for someone to go back to the way there were during the dating phase, BUT, even in a non-married situation, I still can't comprehend why someone would do a complete about-face with that drastic of a change. I see some of that changing, but to turn into a completely different person?? No, I don't see that at all.

[Hopeful714]

Ladybug-it may have been me that said what you were referring to.

 

All I can say to you is yes, you do see glimpses of prince charming now and then. But, for the most part, the bad parts of the relationship still exist and they do so more then the good. So, it then becomes you waiting, hoping, for the crumbs of good...and accepting all the bad in the meanwhile.

 

Again, I was THERE. I got the daily calls, the weekend time, the title of gf. At the beginning he was awesome and too good to be true. But, as the infatuation period began to die down, and things began to move towards real life issues, prince charming turned into a frog. I was still getting some good, but for the most part it wasn't good, I wasn't happy, and he was very inconsistent with his behavior, words, promises, etc.

 

Communication with my ex was impossible. It was all about him him him. I think the "good" behavior became a way for him to manipulate me although I don't know if he was conscience of that or not. His actions spoke louder then his words though and they certainly didn't seem very sincere. Sure, I most likely could have "stayed" but I think I would have had to accept his bad ways, cheating, lying, being taken for granted etc. Did I really want that life? No. Did I really want to be part of an endless fight to get him to act in a way I would call normal? No.

 

What you have described in your previous posts does not sound healthy. I think it is best for you to move on and don't look back. Your guy has a history of troubled relationships ...this says a lot. He has much work to do.

 

I do think if people try hard enough they CAN change. Sometimes on their own with time, or sometimes they need therapy. Either way, it doesn't occur quickly. And most times people won't even initiate the change until THEY realize that their own patterns aren't working for them anymore. If somebody (you) tolerates bad behavior over and over, the person displaying it (him) is getting the impression that it is ok, and they are then reinforced to continue it. If you go, then he will either find a different partner who accepts it, or who provides (what ever it is) that he needs to make changes.

 

Yes, it hurts. This is the worst part. And why recovery from this takes so much effort. You will always always wonder...did he change? Is he better now with a new person? Does he act all nice to this new person all the time? Why can't that person be me? etc, etc, etc. You will need to get past that. Not an easy task. I still ponder those questions and most likely always will when he crosses my mind.

 

You really are better off moving on, starting fresh with someone else, and taking it SLLLLLOOOOOOWWWWLLLLLLYYYY so that you can detect over a period of time what his personality is really like.

[carhill]

Since apparently there is abuse involved, my experience has been that the 'Prince Charming' personality will emerge again if/when they want something. The smooth talking abusers (men) and blindingly attractive abusers (women) usually get the best play, IME.

 

I know one MW in particular who stayed in such a rubber band relationship for nearly 20 years. However, she played her own part in that dynamic, both in her behaviors and accepting whatever abuse she accepted. As is with most things, he said, she said and truth is somewhere else. In her case, having had contact with her H, there's no doubt he could be/was a smooth talker.

 

IMO, if an abuser seeks out and gets therapy (uncommon in men, but does happen) and learns from it and changes, and if the abuse goes away then the Prince Charming also goes away, as the man becomes a more neutral and balanced individual. Less drama, fewer surprises. Then what remains is whether that package is attractive to and valued by his spouse. I'm speaking to the male side since men overwhelmingly populate the abuse annals.