Pushing Forward Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I posted this on another thread but have more info and wanted opinions. I'm the mow and I texted the om happy New year at 12:02 (after having just texted a few words a few minutes earlier. I didn't hear back from him until 11:30 in the morning. I finally talked to him today about it. i asked if he talked or texted anyone at midnight. he said his kids and I asked why he didn't text me and he said he forgot. really? how do you forget? I had just texted to him very briefly minutes before. He said he's sorry but he just didn't think about it then his battery died. That really pisses me off. I told him I need to figure out how to let go of stuff like that or end it. I made a comment about still being here and how that's my problem and he said "you keep saying that, you can do something about it". he understands I'm upset and apologized, but to me that shows I'm not important. He said it wasn't on purpose just to ween me off (I tell him that's what he's doing) but that he just forgot. it makes me feel like crap and I still keep hanging on. Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 That would bother me enough to walk away. He's not only disrespecting your feelings and minimal ozone your "relationship" but he's also almost egging you on with the "you can do something about it" comment..if words even close to that ever came put of mm's mouth he wouldn't have time to blink! I'd show him very quickly how right he is I'm actually pissed for you! I think you should show him he's right and actually do something (Know I say this knowing exactly how hard it is ((hug)) I'm just saying I don't think you're oberreacting at all 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I get your upset but isn't this obvious. You are second. If you want that to change leave your marriage and go be with the OM. If not then your just going to have to get used to being second. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 He is seperated and yet he forgot ??? No, he didn't forget. I'm sorry but it appears he is pulling back. Going through your other posts, it seems he wants you to end it so he doesn't look like the bad guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoaster Rider Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I posted this on another thread but have more info and wanted opinions. I'm the mow and I texted the om happy New year at 12:02 (after having just texted a few words a few minutes earlier. I didn't hear back from him until 11:30 in the morning. I finally talked to him today about it. i asked if he talked or texted anyone at midnight. he said his kids and I asked why he didn't text me and he said he forgot. really? how do you forget? I had just texted to him very briefly minutes before. He said he's sorry but he just didn't think about it then his battery died. That really pisses me off. I told him I need to figure out how to let go of stuff like that or end it. I made a comment about still being here and how that's my problem and he said "you keep saying that, you can do something about it". he understands I'm upset and apologized, but to me that shows I'm not important. He said it wasn't on purpose just to ween me off (I tell him that's what he's doing) but that he just forgot. it makes me feel like crap and I still keep hanging on. If he is anything like my EXMOM... he doesn't have the balls to end it, you will have to. And, you will need to stay strong and not cave... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 and I asked why he didn't text me and he said he forgot. really? how do you forget? I had just texted to him very briefly minutes before. He said he's sorry but he just didn't think about it then his battery died. Sorry, pushing forward, but this is the biggest load of manure since Noah mucked out the ark. He "forgot" ?? Is he about 75 and suffering from incipient dementia? No, I didn't think so. I'm sorry to rain on your parade but he's not that bothered about you. If you want to play second fiddle that's up to you. If not, I'd being making plans to leave this dying relationship now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pushing Forward Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 RollerCoaster... I totally agree. I've felt this way and actually told him so. it seems like neither of us can do it but we both want to, or at least know we should. I haven't figured out how yet, and I just can't seen to stay strong. He acts like it's ok I'm mad, but has no other justification. I just don't get it. I don't want to push too hard, but how the F do you forget to message someone you claim to love and then act like it was an honest mistake. Tangled Web.. see above.. I agree.. I think that all the time. He would rather I do it so he can say it was my idea. Clay.. that's the thing.. I shouldn't be second. there is no First.. but yes, that's how I'm treated. I tell him that. I'm an afterthought, nit forefront in his mind like he is to me. And I am used to it:( notthisgirl... I wish I could be that strong. thank you for being pissed for me, and for the hugs. I feel like such an idiot for still doing this and not being able to get out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Yes it would bother me, that's rude. Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 You are justified in how you are feeling. particularly if these is no other woman. That was very hurtful and it almost seems like it was intentional? Where you having this same relationship while he was still married? If so I wonder if that may have something to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I posted this on another thread but have more info and wanted opinions. I'm the mow and I texted the om happy New year at 12:02 (after having just texted a few words a few minutes earlier. I didn't hear back from him until 11:30 in the morning. I finally talked to him today about it. i asked if he talked or texted anyone at midnight. he said his kids and I asked why he didn't text me and he said he forgot. really? how do you forget? I had just texted to him very briefly minutes before. He said he's sorry but he just didn't think about it then his battery died. That really pisses me off. I told him I need to figure out how to let go of stuff like that or end it. I made a comment about still being here and how that's my problem and he said "you keep saying that, you can do something about it". he understands I'm upset and apologized, but to me that shows I'm not important. He said it wasn't on purpose just to ween me off (I tell him that's what he's doing) but that he just forgot. it makes me feel like crap and I still keep hanging on. I need to ask why you're freaking out and asking him if he spoke to anybody else besides you after midnight. You have trust issues with him because of the affair obviously. Bottom line is this, from what I get from your post, you're unhappy being the OW and sick and tired of being second fiddle, you want more from him, to be higher priority in his life. The thing is, this is an affair, not a regular relationship. You KNOW he has kids, a wife and a family life which keeps him busy at times. Accept things as they are, make HIM less of a priority in your life and live YOUR LIFE instead of hanging on to his and hoping he'll choose you. Or, end it. He doesn't want to keep in touch every hour by the hour, he needs space, like most do, even in a regular relationship, nobody is glued to the hip, it's not healthy and you're putting everything into him and not getting much back. I wish you strength so you can detach from him, focus more on you and your life, friends and family so one day you will see he's not worth all this, then maybe you'll end it..When the timing is right in the future, you'll be with a single guy who can give you everything and make you feel special, loved and important. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I posted this on another thread but have more info and wanted opinions. I'm the mow and I texted the om happy New year at 12:02 (after having just texted a few words a few minutes earlier. I didn't hear back from him until 11:30 in the morning. I finally talked to him today about it. i asked if he talked or texted anyone at midnight. he said his kids and I asked why he didn't text me and he said he forgot. really? how do you forget? I had just texted to him very briefly minutes before. He said he's sorry but he just didn't think about it then his battery died. That really pisses me off. I told him I need to figure out how to let go of stuff like that or end it. I made a comment about still being here and how that's my problem and he said "you keep saying that, you can do something about it". he understands I'm upset and apologized, but to me that shows I'm not important. He said it wasn't on purpose just to ween me off (I tell him that's what he's doing) but that he just forgot. it makes me feel like crap and I still keep hanging on. You do keep hanging on to your husband when you know you don't want him. I can't blame OM for going out enjoying his NYE. If you want to be with him make the right move and divorce. Isn't he separated? I'll bet you anything he was with another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 You're M, he's single? If so, seems he might be getting tired of being with someone who's unavailable and may be trying to wean off the R. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pushing Forward Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 You are justified in how you are feeling. particularly if these is no other woman. That was very hurtful and it almost seems like it was intentional? Where you having this same relationship while he was still married? If so I wonder if that may have something to do with it. Yes, we were having the A while he was a MM also. He's been separated from his W for a year, she left. Why do you think it has something to do with it? Curious. I need to ask why you're freaking out and asking him if he spoke to anybody else besides you after midnight. You have trust issues with him because of the affair obviously. I asked b/c he DIDN'T text me. I wanted to know if he was on his phone at midnight texting his family, why couldn't he have texted me at the same time. Bottom line is this, from what I get from your post, you're unhappy being the OW and sick and tired of being second fiddle, you want more from him, to be higher priority in his life. The thing is, this is an affair, not a regular relationship. You KNOW he has kids, a wife and a family life which keeps him busy at times. Accept things as they are, make HIM less of a priority in your life and live YOUR LIFE instead of hanging on to his and hoping he'll choose you. Or, end it. He doesn't want to keep in touch every hour by the hour, he needs space, like most do, even in a regular relationship, nobody is glued to the hip, it's not healthy and you're putting everything into him and not getting much back. I wish you strength so you can detach from him, focus more on you and your life, friends and family so one day you will see he's not worth all this, then maybe you'll end it..When the timing is right in the future, you'll be with a single guy who can give you everything and make you feel special, loved and important. He doesn't have a wife that he is with any longer. And I understand he has others in his life, but if he is still saying he loves me I shouldn't be an afterthought like I am. Yes, I'm tired of playing second fiddle to everything else and I DO need to move on. You are dead on. I just can't figure out how. I don't need to find a single man. I'm M myself. I need to get rid of the OM and build my R at home.. I just keep trying to figure out how to do it. I can't seem to stay strong for more than a week. I stopped the PA a year and a half ago but started it again last year and now I can't seem to get out. You do keep hanging on to your husband when you know you don't want him. I can't blame OM for going out enjoying his NYE. If you want to be with him make the right move and divorce. Isn't he separated? I'll bet you anything he was with another woman. I do still love him. We have children together and I really can't imagine leaving. I don't blame him for going out NYE either..but he's always texted me in the past at midnight. This year he didn't and it ticked me off. I don't think he was with another woman, but there's nothing I can do if he was. You're M, he's single? If so, seems he might be getting tired of being with someone who's unavailable and may be trying to wean off the R. Yes, I'm M, he's not. I think you are right and he wants to move on. He has told me as such but he still doesn't stay away any more than I do. That all being said.. we just has a long conversation and I told him again how this makes me feel second and unimportant. He said he didn't forget ME, he just forgot to text me. I told him I think he wants me to be the one to break it off and he said that's not the case b/c he knows I won't do it (I've told him that) and that he's tried but he still cares about me but he knows the end result. He DOES want to move on, but at the same time I've told him if he's breaking up with me that it's not going to be over the phone. He said "how hard do you think that will be to look into each other's eyes and do it?". What do you all think? Should a break up be done over the phone, or in person? He knows I don't want it to end, but we have both said we know it should. I KNOW I need to get my life in order and my own R stronger and I can't do that with him in my life. He knows he wants to move on and date people since he's not M anymore and he can't do it either. We both want to stay in touch but we both know it can't work that way. I'll always be asking what he's doing, where he is, who he's with..and he'll want to share with me b/c we are best friends, but it will just cause more pain for all. He knows he can't see someone else and still have me on the side and he thinks that my R is suffering b/c I still have him on the side.. We KNOW what we NEED to do, and we've talked it out over and over for the last year. The end is near and has been for a while. I just have to do it and stick to it.. It's just so freaking hard. I told him it will be easier for him and he said that's not true but he does need to move on. I said I would see a therapist and he said "what will your H think? He'll want to know why, and a therapist will tell you to share all and have a couples session instead.".. I can't do that. UGH.. I hate this.. Thank you all SO much for being on here.. Reading and posting will probably be what gets me through.. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 When I read how he was acting I remember on the last leg of my A as the OW, that is how I would act. I would be frustrated and act passive aggressively towards him. Why? Because I was so done and tired of the A dynamic. On a night like NYE for example, I would feel like a text from him was pathetic while he was probably out with her doing real things and during the last leg of things, stuff like that just became upsetting to me and rubbed it into my face how much I hated the situation....so sometimes I wouldn't answer or I'd respond hours later as I was just annoyed and done with it. So perhaps this is how he feels. We would also end up arguing because he of course had certain expectations and wanted me to act like a single gf would, and I used to for a while in some areas but as the A went on I was like this is actually ridiculous and then I wouldn't and he'd be upset and act all indignant...then I'd be like "Well if you want the commitment, faithfulness, loyalty of a single gf...make it happen!" Then he'd get even more upset like I just offended him So that also seems to be what your OM is saying with his "do something about it" attitude....it seems like a case of "when a man's fed up." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Yeah, that is hard to handle. My exMM didn't contact me on special occasions except for my bday. Not even Valentines. I think he just didn't think about me when at home or scared enough not to want to want to get caught. Or his way of handling the guilt. I told him he could always just txt a quick sentence from the bathroom and I wouldn't reply, but he usually left his cell in his truck. Not even when he was sick for a week with the flu did he make contact, until he was out and about again. So yeah, it sucks. I hope you will expect and receive better. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Yes, it would bother me. It IS rude. Being married is no excuse for being an A**hole. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I posted this on another thread but have more info and wanted opinions. I'm the mow and I texted the om happy New year at 12:02 (after having just texted a few words a few minutes earlier. I didn't hear back from him until 11:30 in the morning. I finally talked to him today about it. i asked if he talked or texted anyone at midnight. he said his kids and I asked why he didn't text me and he said he forgot. really? how do you forget? I had just texted to him very briefly minutes before. He said he's sorry but he just didn't think about it then his battery died. That really pisses me off. I told him I need to figure out how to let go of stuff like that or end it. I made a comment about still being here and how that's my problem and he said "you keep saying that, you can do something about it". he understands I'm upset and apologized, but to me that shows I'm not important. He said it wasn't on purpose just to ween me off (I tell him that's what he's doing) but that he just forgot. it makes me feel like crap and I still keep hanging on. Beginning to notice a pattern with most MM. After awhile they start to take the OW or in this case, the OMW for granted after awhile. The last convo My XMM said was, he doesn't mean to hurt me on purpose. To me it really means... I don't want you as bad as your wanting me in this A. I was always available via text or phone call and would be excited each and every time. Soooo glad it's not like that anymore. If your reacting to issues like theses... You may want to start pulling back a little or, don't be available all the time to your MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Sooo....don't take this as an attack, but would you be this upset if your BFF did the same thing? A couple days ago, MM and I had a bet on a game. Up until kick off we were both texting trash to each other. I was hoping I'd hear from him at first commerciall break or halftime. His team had a couple of really good plays and lucky calls. He won the bet. I could get mad or sad that I didn't hear from him. I could make it a thing. Or I could accept the fact that to have this kind of relationship, there are limits. Good luck to you, though. This may be something for you to keep an eye on. Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 daily 2013...you are a very strong person. That would drive me to distraction! Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 My take of it is kind of like Miss Bee's, it is probably a passive aggressive move, maybe for you to recognize the importance of him in your life or for you recognize the lack of importance in his life. Either way, you want more then get divorced. I have a hard time having much sympathy for the MP when they get up in arms with the single OP. Separate and then put down expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
glowing Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 That would bother me enough to walk away. He's not only disrespecting your feelings and minimal ozone your "relationship" but he's also almost egging you on with the "you can do something about it" comment..if words even close to that ever came put of mm's mouth he wouldn't have time to blink! I'd show him very quickly how right he is I'm actually pissed for you! I think you should show him he's right and actually do something (Know I say this knowing exactly how hard it is ((hug)) I'm just saying I don't think you're oberreacting at all Agreed. Put yourself first...he's clearly not doing it on his own. Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
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