littlejaz Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I am reading a new book that says that forgiveness is remembering only the good, but I am having trouble remembering anything that was good in my 13 year marriage. I am 2 years into separation and divorce - he is an engaged in the divorce as he was in the marriage. I am not asking about a time limit, but will I get there? Link to post Share on other sites
BOREDouttaMymind Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 forgivness isn't only remembering the good. what book is this? doesn't sound well written. if forgiveness didn't include remembering the bad, we would be setting ourselves up for the problem to happen again and again and again. part of forgiveness is retaining the ability to remember the bad. its what makes forgiveness 'forgiveness'. we shouldn't dwell on what happened, or what hurt us, but the scar will always be there. its what makes us stronger and wiser. if you have a hard time remembering anything good, ask yourself if there was ever any good. I don't know the relationship, but im sure there was some good. a smile, a handhold, a look, a moment. unless it was an abusive relationship, but idk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlejaz Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 The book is A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 LittleJazz, I agree, forgiveness is not only remembering the good. That book almost sounds like one you would read if you were trying to find the love back in a marriage to restore the love and intimacy. Forgiveness is for you, to help you heal and move on with your life. Here is a good article as a resource. Forgiveness | How To Forgive & Release Past Pain : Melanie Tonia Evans Also, I found Mars and Venus Starting Over as a good resource with some if the same exercises as the article above. Hope it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 For me personally... I only really remember the good, my marriage truly wasn't bad. It's the after treatment that I can't understand and move forward fully from, each time I move forward try to reason something else turns up and drags me back down. This is seriously one hard path Xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlejaz Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 LittleJazz, I agree, forgiveness is not only remembering the good. That book almost sounds like one you would read if you were trying to find the love back in a marriage to restore the love and intimacy. Forgiveness is for you, to help you heal and move on with your life. Here is a good article as a resource. Forgiveness | How To Forgive & Release Past Pain : Melanie Tonia Evans Also, I found Mars and Venus Starting Over as a good resource with some if the same exercises as the article above. Hope it helps. Thanks Trippi. I am reading it now, but just wanted you to know that Melanie is quoting the same source as Marianne did in her book, A Course in Miracles. I may not have gotten far enough in the book to understand exactly what she is saying about forgiveness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlejaz Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 For me personally... I only really remember the good, my marriage truly wasn't bad. It's the after treatment that I can't understand and move forward fully from, each time I move forward try to reason something else turns up and drags me back down. This is seriously one hard path Xxx Suzie, the after treatment is a whole different story. I had no idea what I was in for. It is a hard path, but one will get down. Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery2Me Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 First off Happy New Year....and congraultions on all your successes! The only thing that matters to me is MY personal state of peace. For me that meant equally viewing the good and bad, so as not to waste anymore time on creating a false story. Aka...it was absolutely wonderful or the marriage was a horror. Focusing too much on the process of "Score-Keeping" to me leads to a disconnect...which is why my marriage ended. He decided because I could not make him happy (of course he only said he was unhappy the day he left), he could cheat and dishonor the marriage. Rather my journey to peace about my marriage is about how even in the most terrible situations, I never forsaked my marriage union. Of course the meant I completely had NO CONTACT with the SOB but there you go. So the way I choose to behaved during the divorce process was far more important to ME than even his worst BS behavior (yep...those were some really hard days). Also the NC help so much with being able to emotionally divorce and the healing process. Now that I am legally and most importantly emotionally divorced, I just do not give a flip about him today. My take on the marriage: At one time he loved me and I loved him. Not the ending I dreamed of...but that's how that darn truth is. Good luck in 2014! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlejaz Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 I am with you Mystery. I never forsaked my marriage either and yes he cheated and lied. And I have been lucky with the NC as he has not tried to contact me since he left (Best day of my life.) I am just trying to move on and find some joy in myself. Unfortunately, I cannot afford therapy so I am working on finding the answers for myself. I love the quote on your signature. I know there are good days on the horizon, I just have to get through the storm first. Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery2Me Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Good for you LittleJaz! In the end it is all done to us and I appalled you for deciding to learn from the experience. Time is the really the key, which is what NC provides...time to acquire new clean experiences free from the drama. If you can perhaps community offered therapy/support groups may be an option. In my area local universities and churches both offer free-services, maybe it can be an option for you. I have even used the website MeetUp to connect with these types of groups and I happy to say groups that share fun "normal" activities....nice to have non-divorce interests. I really really really wish you a sweet and blessed 2014....go get it! Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I am reading a new book that says that forgiveness is remembering only the good, but I am having trouble remembering anything that was good in my 13 year marriage. I am 2 years into separation and divorce - he is an engaged in the divorce as he was in the marriage. I am not asking about a time limit, but will I get there? "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." The above quote meant more to me than anything else I read. I lived it and when I finally gave up those thoughts and admitted that I would never change one single thing in the past, I was done, able to forgive and move on. I NEVER thought I would forgive him, but I did and when I did, I was free - really free. It was all for me, not him. Good luck. You will get there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlejaz Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." The above quote meant more to me than anything else I read. I lived it and when I finally gave up those thoughts and admitted that I would never change one single thing in the past, I was done, able to forgive and move on. I NEVER thought I would forgive him, but I did and when I did, I was free - really free. It was all for me, not him. Good luck. You will get there. Thank you Steen719, excellent quote. I may soon be able to do the same thanks to your posting this little gem. What a wonderful and freeing way to think of it. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Thanks Trippi. I am reading it now, but just wanted you to know that Melanie is quoting the same source as Marianne did in her book, A Course in Miracles. I may not have gotten far enough in the book to understand exactly what she is saying about forgiveness. Hmm, I was looking at the book and reading the reviews, looks like an interesting read. A Return to Love by Marianne Williams is a recommended book on Melonie Tonia Evans site. I believe what both are trying to inspire, deep inside, is the ability to overcome our hardships and love ourselves. We all have the capability to create love. Even when, we feel, that someone has taken our heart away.....they haven't. Love is an emotion that is within you, you have the power to create, you never lose that power....we hide it a lot out of fear of getting hurt again or...out of anger of being hurt. What we tend to forget a lot of times, is how to love ourselves. And that takes the ability to forgive .....not just "them"...but yourself as well. The course in that book, just from the little bit I could find on it, sounds similar to some of the exercises in Mars & Venus: Starting Over by John Gray. It's designed to help you let go and get back to you. From what I remember, part of looking at the good was so you can let go with love and not harbor the bad or bitterness. As you get more into the text, I feel you will find how this helps take your power back as the bad keeps its power over you. Link to post Share on other sites
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