Jealousy or just not working

[monkeyshaman]

I put this in general dating but I thougt I should put it here sorry

 

Hello all,

 

Short version at bottom

 

Thanks first of all for anyone with some advice as I am in a bit of a dilemma with my current gf. We have been together for about 9 months and she is 8 years younger then me at 23. We have both had more reckless pasts with cheating and other sorts of things but talked about this before we got together (as friends before potential of a relationship). We seemed to be on the same page about where we want to go and what we wanted for ourselves in terms of relationship.

 

Now she maintained relationships from some of these random sexual partners and I said that it was unacceptable for me in a relationship to do so and she agreed then dropped them. Every once in a while she talks to some other guy and when I ask her about it she would get really angry saying I was being jealous when I just wanted to know who this person was. She would tell me if it was a girl on her own.

 

I told her the importance of being open and honest with me in a relationship and she agreed. Now she has a current male friend who she talks to quite often. Not really anything bad that I know of but sometimes I just want her to hang out with me without texting or going on fb. It also seems any time I am busy she runs and talks to this guy. Also she gets jealous at me quite a bit and almost every time she get jealous ends up running to talk to some guy (they are interchangeable IMO) almost like she needs to feel a guy paying attention to her when she needs it.

 

Now nearly every time she gets jealous I make the effort to make her feel loved and close but any time I do she gets so upset. And its not like I yell at her I usually just ask who shes talking to and what about, as if it was any friend of hers with no anger or anything in my voice that I can tell. Her last bf was real controlling so I do feel she may be mirroring that on me.

 

She this all makes me question her sincerity in the relationship. If she still needs constant male attention then I can't be on her 24/7 and still live a life. If she always has these male friends around then the chances of any of them liking her are pretty high and she refuses to accept that that is possible, like playing ignorance. Shes had poor boundaries in the past and I am doing my best to cope with my own jealousy but she isn't helping by getting so pissed of any time I slip just a bit or ask her anything about the guys. I am afraid that she just my be to young or rather to insecure to be in a serious relationship because of her own jealousy and need to male comfort. I have tried to talk with her about it but I almost always end up doing all the talking or just get accused of being a jealous jerk. I am just not sure if we can last if she is jealous of me all the time and then runs off to other guys for comfort then gets pissed when I say something about it.

 

 

 

 

 

Short version.

 

My gf seems to need to have male attention any time she is stressed. It used to be sexual in nature (before our relationship and in the beginning) but she seems to have curbed that, now just the attention seems enough. Any time she gets jealous she says whet ever she wants and I try to be understanding but when I get jealous she calls me a controlling jerk or gets real upset like there is a double standard because of her last "controlling" relationship (where she did cheat might I add). She tells me she loves me but seems to run to males when she feels threatened and refuses to believe that they might have an interest in her. All of these things combined make me feel like she is such a high risk GF. Am I just being really insecure and jealous or is she just playing things to her advantage to do whatever she wants and any negative feeling are my fault. I am just really confused.

 

Now there are a lot of good things with our relationship. Our sex life is really good, she does things for me (cook, clean, holds me, kisses me, buys me things) and I her (take her places, kiss her, buy her things, talk about our lives together....) and we do everything we can together so I don't want this to seem like the jealousy bouncing back and forth is the only thing happening. I'm just lost when it comes to her and this stupid jealousy that is on both sides and whether or not it warrants us ending things.

[Keenly]

This kind of behavior never goes away. It will never just stop. My ex was like this, ALWAYS needed male attention. Always talking to one, two, five other guys at once. I never let it bother me because I was confident I had her.

 

 

Turns out she was banging three of them through most of our relationship. Any time we had problems she would go right to them.

 

Big red flag buddy, big red flag.

[Keke1]

I put this in general dating but I thougt I should put it here sorry

 

Hello all,

 

Short version at bottom

 

Thanks first of all for anyone with some advice as I am in a bit of a dilemma with my current gf. We have been together for about 9 months and she is 8 years younger then me at 23. We have both had more reckless pasts with cheating and other sorts of things but talked about this before we got together (as friends before potential of a relationship). We seemed to be on the same page about where we want to go and what we wanted for ourselves in terms of relationship.

 

Now she maintained relationships from some of these random sexual partners and I said that it was unacceptable for me in a relationship to do so and she agreed then dropped them. Every once in a while she talks to some other guy and when I ask her about it she would get really angry saying I was being jealous when I just wanted to know who this person was. She would tell me if it was a girl on her own.

 

I told her the importance of being open and honest with me in a relationship and she agreed. Now she has a current male friend who she talks to quite often. Not really anything bad that I know of but sometimes I just want her to hang out with me without texting or going on fb. It also seems any time I am busy she runs and talks to this guy. Also she gets jealous at me quite a bit and almost every time she get jealous ends up running to talk to some guy (they are interchangeable IMO) almost like she needs to feel a guy paying attention to her when she needs it.

 

Now nearly every time she gets jealous I make the effort to make her feel loved and close but any time I do she gets so upset. And its not like I yell at her I usually just ask who shes talking to and what about, as if it was any friend of hers with no anger or anything in my voice that I can tell. Her last bf was real controlling so I do feel she may be mirroring that on me.

 

She this all makes me question her sincerity in the relationship. If she still needs constant male attention then I can't be on her 24/7 and still live a life. If she always has these male friends around then the chances of any of them liking her are pretty high and she refuses to accept that that is possible, like playing ignorance. Shes had poor boundaries in the past and I am doing my best to cope with my own jealousy but she isn't helping by getting so pissed of any time I slip just a bit or ask her anything about the guys. I am afraid that she just my be to young or rather to insecure to be in a serious relationship because of her own jealousy and need to male comfort. I have tried to talk with her about it but I almost always end up doing all the talking or just get accused of being a jealous jerk. I am just not sure if we can last if she is jealous of me all the time and then runs off to other guys for comfort then gets pissed when I say something about it.

 

 

 

 

 

Short version.

 

My gf seems to need to have male attention any time she is stressed. It used to be sexual in nature (before our relationship and in the beginning) but she seems to have curbed that, now just the attention seems enough. Any time she gets jealous she says whet ever she wants and I try to be understanding but when I get jealous she calls me a controlling jerk or gets real upset like there is a double standard because of her last "controlling" relationship (where she did cheat might I add). She tells me she loves me but seems to run to males when she feels threatened and refuses to believe that they might have an interest in her. All of these things combined make me feel like she is such a high risk GF. Am I just being really insecure and jealous or is she just playing things to her advantage to do whatever she wants and any negative feeling are my fault. I am just really confused.

 

Now there are a lot of good things with our relationship. Our sex life is really good, she does things for me (cook, clean, holds me, kisses me, buys me things) and I her (take her places, kiss her, buy her things, talk about our lives together....) and we do everything we can together so I don't want this to seem like the jealousy bouncing back and forth is the only thing happening. I'm just lost when it comes to her and this stupid jealousy that is on both sides and whether or not it warrants us ending things.

 

Look at that!!! There's a ton of smoke over there I bet you there's a fire.

[monkeyshaman]

Yeah, unfortunately thats what I was thinking guys. I just wasn't sure if I was just holding on to past jealousy. The thing is that she did stop talking to all those guys in the first few months. Then she was pretty honest with me whenever some guy did talk to her. I can understand that guys will respond to girls more often just cause of whatever reason and she just wants to talk to someone cause shes bored and her guy friends are the only real response. I also figured her defensiveness was because of her ex but all the jealousy accusations just make me think that she has something to hide. I just don't really know if its in my head that she runs to talk to guys or its just happening because he is the one who answers back when she goes to talk to other people. I mean she spends all her free time with me and talks to them in front of me without hiding things usually, so if they were messing around I think the dude would let it slip in random conversation if she didn't cause he doesn't know I am right there. Thats what makes me think its harmless. But at the same time why so freaking sensitive about me asking who it is and stuff.

[BlametheIrish]

"I am afraid that she just might b to young or rather to insecure to be in a

serious relationship because of her own jealousy"

 

This is exactly right OP. Any early 20's women will try and walk the walk when it comes to.their maturity level. But any 30 something year old women will tell you how much she's matured since her early 20's.

 

You want a LTR? Stop looking at women in their early 20's, most of them are still figuring themselves out and starting to develope their tastes, personalities, Etc.

[monkeyshaman]

BlametheIrish,

I am realizing that very fact. I think the thing is that she does in fact want to be more mature and voices her ideals in that way but when it comes down to it she just doesn't have the confidence or strength to face the difficult challenges. But because of the time invested and her working with me somewhat I don't know if I should give her some time to see if she does follow through as she has made efforts and some sustainable ones too. These were the things she said she wanted before we even got together. It seems like I am just here waiting to see what life she really wants for herself. One half of her is on my side telling me she wants to get married and have kids but then the other side is telling her to remain a child and act irresponsibly and disrespectfully in a way.

 

Its just sitting on the 50/50 is making me nervous and I am not sure how long I can sit here while she is slowly deciding. Its like she knows what she wants but is afraid to take it on.

[monkeyshaman]

So I tried to get involved in this to see where things were going and all that. Because of course she started texting him right after work about the weather and what not. I said that she is talking to him way to much and I dont like it. She got a little mad but then stopped texting him. She does leave her phone out so I read the messages and most of it was harmless except he was basically setting up to talk to her the next day. In my experience if this situation occurs one or many parties will ultimately end up being hurt. Because of the frequency of talking he or she will develop feelings for each other IMO. I just never had anyone try to keep a guy friend in my relationship before. I even said hey to him and talked a bit to get his intentions and he said hes not a scumbag and wouldn't do anything like that but it was kind of awkward. It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn.t so mad any time I ask her about it. I mean jeez your texting right next to me and its wrong for me to ask whats going on...come on?.

 

The thing is then she spends her time talking to me about places to move and other serious things we could do together. She already lives with me now but wants to find a new place so its not like she can really do all that much without me knowing about it as i take her to and from work and go with her wherever she goes case she likes me to drive. Am I just being overprotective or smart in keeping this nonsense out in the open.

 

I just think its harmless at the moment but it dancing a little to close for my boundaries.