Mr. FixIt...How do we keep him satisfied?

[Ladyjane14]

I was pondering on Mr.FixIt earlier today, the male drive to be necessary to his woman....to fix her problems for her, to be necessary in her life.

 

I've notice alot of different aspects to Mr.FixIt. I've notice that oftentimes when a man has experienced a failure in one relationship, he will become involved with a woman who has more need of him.

 

I've noticed that Mr. FixIt likes FRESH problems to handle, not the same old boring ones that he's had little or no success in solving. Witness my own situation; all of the female internet "friends" that my husband had interest in were self-made 'damsels-in-distress'. They had been abused in previous relationships, didn't have enough money to take care of their kids, yadda yadda yadda.

 

In fact I had magnificent success in improving my own relationship by accurately predicting that one such damsel "would contact him within 3 days to ask for his help in some sort of crisis". She was absolutely busted in this, and my husband was amazed. I felt like Miss Cleo. But in truth, it was what I might have done years ago in order to try to re-capture a man's waning interest.

 

Which leads to another question. Do women who are looking for a new relationship blatently take advantage of Mr. FixIt? And how do you stop them from involving themselves with your man?

 

How do you keep things fresh at home for Mr.FixIt so his attention doesn't wander? Afterall, most husband's don't really enjoy a needy wife. Why is that another woman's problems are so much more fascinating?

[Devildog]

Are you talking about someone I know Ladyjane?

 

You have to know by now that men do have the FixIt gene hardwired into them. If there is a problem, there must be a solution. We look for the solution. When the same problem comes up, we tend to know the solution already. So yeah, fresh problems appeal to us men.

 

As far as women abusing Mr. FixIt, I think I have been. But women would be able to give you more insight on that.

 

How do you keep things fresh at home for Mr.FixIt so his attention doesn't wander? Afterall, most husband's don't really enjoy a needy wife. Why is that another woman's problems are so much more fascinating?

 

Cause we think we know our wives well enough to know the problems and solutions. Other women have new and different problems from the same old ones we see everyday.

[midori]

Hi Ladyjane,

 

I've never thought of the MrFixIt phenomenon before -- if it is indeed a phenomenon -- but it rings true to my experience.

 

I'm not married, and I can't comment on how to keep a MrFixIt engaged without becoming too needy. But I think I do have some insight about why the problems of women other than his wife are so fascinating for such a man: they're not his responsibility to fix. If he does offer help, he gets full kudos for doing so.

 

Not that anyone is ever responsible for fixing someone else's problems. But when your wife is, say, unhappy in her job, it's complicated because if she quit or tried to take another job things would become difficult for the household budget/childcare situation/other factors. Any solution will actually be something that the husband himself is partly responsible for. And so it should be -- that's what partnerships are about. But dealing with such dilemmas can be emotionally draining, guilt-inducing, frustrating, etc. A female friend's problems involve no such emotions.

 

An ex boyfriend of mine was remarkably generous at random times, to random people. He gave me a few remarkable gifts that were touching and completely unexpected. His birthday gifts were less so. One memorable year involved him having a busy day at work but insisting on making me the birthday dinner he had planned to cook. But because he'd been so busy, he had no time to do the shopping for it, so the two of us had to rush around before the shops closed to get the ingredients he needed. I suggested going out -- no way. I ended up doing all the prep work, i.e. the drudgery, for the meal -- peeling vegetables, etc. while he put on his chef's cap. We didn't get to eat until nearly 11:00 p.m. that night and then went straight to bed, exhausted. I was totally touched but at the same time, it was hardly what I would have chosen for my birthday. Especially since I ended up doing all the dishes & clean-up the next day (another busy workday for him).

 

Maybe that was kind of tangential, sorry, but my point is that when they're in a position where helping/giving/etc. is more or less expected, I've known a lot of men to balk, resist, refuse to put much thought into things. But if it's something where no one is expecting anything of them, they can be brilliant. They have to feel like it's all happening at their initiative, and that they're getting full credit for all effort.

 

Is there a solution? Or one of those maddening facts that we all must reconcile ourselves to?

[HokeyReligions]

No matter what is wrong, or right, in our marriage, when my own MrFixIt gets anxious I pick up the TV remote and slap it against my hand a couple times and mutter something like "I can't believe this stupid thing needs batteries AGAIN!" and I shake it at the TV. He feels ever so much better going into the kitchen junk drawer and getting more batteries and replacing them in the remote. He falls for it every time and never questions why we only buy batteries once or twice a year and yet seem to change them all the time!!!

 

It works in my marriage! Even if its a heavy relationship issue, changing the batteries in the remote does it for him. He accomplishes something and lets face it, the remote is generally 'man's domain' so he can hold on to it after he changes the batteries, and feels very magnanimous if he hands it back to me. LOL!

 

If we are out somewhere I will find something else for him to fix. Purse handle, watch battery, shoe heel, something that he can take care of and have a sense of accomplishment. It calms him down so he can better handle whatever heavy issue is weighting him down.

 

 

Hey, it works for us and it's a different kind of "needy"

[whichwayisup]

You have to know by now that men do have the FixIt gene hardwired into them. If there is a problem, there must be a solution. We look for the solution. When the same problem comes up, we tend to know the solution already. So yeah, fresh problems appeal to us men.

 

Yup, got my own right here in Ontario!! Lovely aren't they??

 

He definately tries to fix everything and anything!! (And tv's, computers, cars, you name it he tries to fix it.) Problem is alot of the time I do not want to be 'fixed' I just want to be heard, understood and held...Not given a "try this or you should do this" kind of advice. His heart is huge and I know it always comes from a good place...But it DOES drive me NUTS!!!!

 

BUT...At the same time, when it comes to our own issues as a couple...Where the F did he go?? Oh hiding in the basement, busybody, too much to come and talk and really sort out things. It is funny and yes, I am exaggerating.

 

I think it is easier to help others when there is no emotional attachment or ties to...That is why your H does this. He gets a feeling of real accomplishment of making a difference in these womens live and fixing their problems, or atleast feeling like he has. He doesn't have to live with the outcome or hear anymore than he has to...He can shut off the computer and walk away. He has the control, he can help or not help but the ball is in his court. Seems harmless unless you feel it is interferring in your marriage.

 

HMMM or just start becoming a crazy wife, make issues at home, and then he'll come fix you up! Make your lives "As the world Turns..."

 

Good luck! AND I'm sure there are TONS of other stories we'd love to hear from others about their mrfixits...Or variations of 'em!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by midori

But if it's something where no one is expecting anything of them, they can be brilliant. They have to feel like it's all happening at their initiative, and that they're getting full credit for all effort.

 

Hmmmm...interesting. That could be integral to THE SOLUTION. I do a pretty good job of keeping expectations to the bare minimum these days. At least, I think I do. And I've been praising him for his brilliance everytime he does something wonderful. Which is more often since I dropped the expectations.

 

But the part about "initiative"....I wonder if I miss opportunities to spark his initiative. And if so, how does one go about it?

 

Hokey had a good idea about finding ways for him to express his burly man-ness, and I'm going to try that a little more often. He tends to get frustrated when I ask him to help with life's little details though. I don't know why.

 

Originally posted by DevilDog

Cause we think we know our wives well enough to know the problems and solutions. Other women have new and different problems from the same old ones we see everyday.

 

Hmmm....."we think we know"...."the problems AND the solutions"..."same old".

 

That says BOREDOM to me. And while I probably could turn his life into a perpetual soap-opera, as WhichWay teasingly suggests, I'm not sure he'd thank me for it.

 

He spent 8 full hours engaged in interactions with more interesting people on his computer last night. I need to do something undemanding about that. Ideas?

[whichwayisup]

Unplug the computer for a week. Go out, see some movies and go have some fun.

 

Just a suggestion.

[moimeme]

Problem is alot of the time I do not want to be 'fixed' I just want to be heard, understood and held...Not given a "try this or you should do this" kind of advice. His heart is huge and I know it always comes from a good place...But it DOES drive me NUTS!!!!

 

I never in my life understood this. And I've asked all my female friends and none of them understand it, either. I and everyone I know don't want just to be listened to. None of us has patience with just bleating on about a problem. Problems require solutions, gol darn it!!!! If I'm talking about a problem, I *want* ideas, suggestions, solutions!!! I might not take your idea, but it might help spark one of my own - or I might indeed use it.

 

So one solution could be to not just want to be listened to but to look for things that need to be solved and ask for help.

 

I was like Hokey when there were handymen in the home. I am perfectly capable of wielding tools - I own my own drill, even, but if a fuse or even a lightbulb needed changing, I'd call for help. I thought it was nice how they liked to do that sort of stuff. Jar-opening's a good one that's needed often! Then there's appliance-moving for cleaning and furniture-moving. There's all the car stuff, too.

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks for the advice. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that this is indeed a problem in my relationship.

 

So one solution could be to not just want to be listened to but to look for things that need to be solved and ask for help.

 

I'm a pretty good problem-solver for the most part. It could be that I'm not giving him enough opportunity to assist me.

 

One of the things that came up in marriage counseling is that I don't ask for what I need. He's touchy about that...one of his little quirks, I guess. I've learned not to ask him to do chores around the house. And I think I might have carried that over into our day-to-day communications.

 

Unplug the computer for a week. Go out, see some movies and go have some fun.

 

I'd never be able to insist that he stay off the computer. But what I could do is set the example myself. Maybe try to get some family fun going. The problem is, that he always thinks up some excuse not to come along, and it ends up just being me and the kids.

[whichwayisup]

I never in my life understood this. And I've asked all my female friends and none of them understand it, either. I and everyone I know don't want just to be listened to. None of us has patience with just bleating on about a problem. Problems require solutions, gol darn it!!!! If I'm talking about a problem, I *want* ideas, suggestions, solutions!!! I might not take your idea, but it might help spark one of my own - or I might indeed use it.

 

I'm not really talking about "idea's" around the house things I come up with...I meant that when one has a rough day, sometimes venting it out is all we need...Not to be told, "you should feel this or don't be so...." That is all. I have learned to ask for help if I need it...I do not take advice well but am learning to just shutup and listen too. Gotta go both ways though.

 

I'd never be able to insist that he stay off the computer. But what I could do is set the example myself. Maybe try to get some family fun going. The problem is, that he always thinks up some excuse not to come along, and it ends up just being me and the kids.

 

I"m sure once he see's how much fun everybody is having he'll join in...Make him join in!! Give him time slots of 'this is family time' now. He can't always DO what he wants all the time, he has to give to you and his kids. They need it as you do too!

 

Good luck.

[deesgirl]

I had a problem something like yours, but it was real life women. There was one that would come to our business and boo hoo to my husband about how her babies had no milk, or she didn't have the money for Christmas (although she was asking about putting herself some car stereo equipment on lay away). I felt like this was trouble. I wondered when she would offer (if she hadn't already) to pay him back in her own way.

 

My solution was to tell my husband to call me whenever she, or other people, came to him asking for money. If her babies had no milk, I would go to the store and drop her off some milk (instead of him giving her $). If they had no Christmas presents, I would buy some. You get the picture.

 

I don't know if that helps any or not since your problem is online. Maybe you could involve yourself with it. Tell your H that you would be glad to add your two cents worth with his female friends and their problems. Kind of giving the male and female POV. That way you could join your H and let these women know you are very well in the picture.

[Blueangel]

OK, lets see if anyone can give me a an opinion through fresh eyes. My h is in the Navy so he leaves and returns often. Problem is we have to start a new relationship every time he returns. Grant it some Navy wives enjoy their spouses leaving for long periods of time. NOT ME! My H has done allot really questionable things to me. So in my life I have to put everything on hold my feelings that is about everything. For instance, Before my H left this last time out to sea I found out that he purchased a cell phone that I knew nothing about. When I asked to see it he because irate and refuse to let me see it. I guess my question is... yes he pays all the bills and allows me to be an at home mother but do you think all the b.s is worth it? Keep in mind that I have no actual proof that he is doing anything, but also as feel as though you don't have to see the rain if you hear the thunder and lightning outside right?

 

 

 

Also people always tell me that he is a young H and a marriage takes work. Or they will say give him a couple of years to get used to being married. So should I listen? I can be a very negative person therefore I want to make sure I have viewed all of my options. So PLEASE HELP!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh yeah and also my husband is also one of those men who like to fix everything except our problems. Is that a man thing or just a certain type of man thing. Now don't get me wrong he is generally a good man it is just that he is gone all the time and when he is home it is like every once in a while he gets a wild hair up his bum and wants to run off and do things that would lead me to believe his is headed in the wrong direction. So has anyone else been through this? Whatever shall I do?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Blueangel

 

My h is in the Navy so he leaves and returns often. Problem is we have to start a new relationship every time he returns.

 

So has anyone else been through this? Whatever shall I do?

 

I've noticed ALOT of people going through similar situations lately. The active duty lifestyle is really not condusive to creating and maintaining marriage.

 

I would suggest <URL removed> for some tips on improving the marriage and building the relationship.

 

Also, I'm wondering if there are support resources available to military spouses which will help you to deal with more specific relationship problems?....particularly in maintaining closeness with an often physically absent mate. Maybe you could check the Base web page?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by deesgirl

Maybe you could involve yourself with it. Tell your H that you would be glad to add your two cents worth with his female friends and their problems. Kind of giving the male and female POV. That way you could join your H and let these women know you are very well in the picture.

 

He has actually offered to put me on-line with some of them. "Why not email my wife? She'll know what to do." That sort of thing. Of course, they don't. Getting help with a problem is not the REAL objective afterall!

 

I have been able to point that out to him though. And over time, these small points add up until I'm hopeful that he will be less gullible in these communications. He's good-hearted, and I think it's difficult for him to see other people's bad motives.

 

I think there is great validity in Midori and WhichWay's theory that these "problems" go away at the touch of a button when Hubby is tired of dealing with them. He gets to build his ego by being a hero, and then....it's his choice if he wants to be done with it.

 

I'm worried that he is finding me too boring. The on-line interactions are so much more appealing than spending time interacting with me. We've been married for over two decades now. How does one become more interesting? He already knows everything that I know.

[whichwayisup]

I'm worried that he is finding me too boring. The on-line interactions are so much more appealing than spending time interacting with me. We've been married for over two decades now. How does one become more interesting? He already knows everything that I know

 

Walk into the room, wear a silky sexy robe...Make a noise, he looks at you...Drop the robe off and just say "You have exactly 10 seconds to get your clothes off and into bed!" And walk out of the room! IF that doesn't get his attention then he needs his eyes checked!!

 

Just a playful suggestion!!