Is it this hard for all fat women or just me??

[Oomlotte]

I feel like it's impossible to find a guy who is interested in me as a partner. I can find guys to **** me and I can find guys to be my friend but I can't find that all in one. It's like no man has romantic interest in me and I'm not sure how to find it - is it really just the fat? I see women heavier than I who have relationships - certainly fat men find love. Why not me?? I'm attractive, smart, funny, loyal, honest - it's like what gives? Deeply frustrating. I'm losing weight now primarily because I think I won't find it if I don't.

 

What do people think? I did a search and didn't see anything about fat dating, etc.

[ltjg45]

I will be honest with you: I can not, for the life of me, be capable of dating, or even approaching, an obese woman.

 

It is completely against what I am willing to accept for myself and, it is in your best interest to lose the weight if you can, not just to increase the possibility of getting more men interested in you but also for your health risks.

 

If I refuse to go anywhere near 200 pounds myself, it makes no sense for me to date someone who is over 200 pounds themselves.

[regine_phalange]

I think it's a matter of luck.

 

I have one friend who is very overweight, BUT she has amazing hair, a cute face, great sense of fashion and makeup, very talkative and a bit bitchy character. Her ex boyfriends are all very handsome, some of them were crazy about her.

[polynomial]

there are men who dig bigger women or men who just won't care.

 

just take care of youself and be confident and go out. it's all you can do, really.

[Oomlotte]

Womp womp. Men just want what they want but a woman better never pull that. It's one of the last acceptable forms of discrimination in our society. People ascribe negative qualities to fat people, women especially, and qualify their statements (she's nice BUT, she's fat BUT). It's a good thing I'm dieting so that I can either be deemed acceptable or avoid having to work at being exceptional in every other way.

[regine_phalange]

Of course there is BUT, because my friend is not in a healthy weight. You can be a bit overweight and healthy, but she is very much and has a lot of health issues because of it.

[mammasita]

I'd rather date a fat guy with a cute face, confidence, charm, wit and personality than a 6'2" body builder with a six pack and a fugly face.

[Babolat]

Womp womp. Men just want what they want but a woman better never pull that. It's one of the last acceptable forms of discrimination in our society. People ascribe negative qualities to fat people, women especially, and qualify their statements (she's nice BUT, she's fat BUT). It's a good thing I'm dieting so that I can either be deemed acceptable or avoid having to work at being exceptional in every other way.

Sounds defensive, folks offered you feedback, which you asked for. Perhaps your defensiveness comes across to men?

[polynomial]

Sounds defensive, folks offered you feedback, which you asked for. Perhaps your defensiveness comes across to men?

 

can't really blame a fat woman in our society to get defensive, especially when someone blatantly tells them they could not ever even approach an obese woman.

[somedude81]

Yes, most men are not attracted to obese women. Some men are, but most aren't.

 

At least you can lose the fat.

 

Imagine if you were a short guy. You'd have more trouble finding somebody to date you and you could never get taller.

[polynomial]

Yes, most men are not attracted to obese women. Some men are, but most aren't.

 

At least you can lose the fat.

 

Imagine if you were a short guy. You'd have more trouble finding somebody to date you and you could never get taller.

 

i really dislike the "at least you can lose the weight".

 

it really doesnt work that way or else there wouldn't be fat people left in this world, you know

[carhill]

Is it this hard for all fat women or just me??

 

Hard to know for sure. Each situation is different. Based on my experiences, one tip I might offer is to move to an area where women are in demand. I offer this because I've lived in one my whole life and was married to an overweight woman and noted that she had no trouble attracting men (was married twice before me, inclusive of most of her adult life ) and was living with a new man before we were divorced, a quite fit and successful man from my experiences with and impressions of him. Yes, that's one example but I've seen a lot over my time here and dated plenty of overweight women. They never lacked for attention.

 

If you remember Valerie Bertinelli (actress and once married to Eddie Van Halen) when she was chunky (about 170), that's what my exW looked like, as they are essentially the same age. Doppleganger.

 

Last tip, one from my exW: Always look your best; make the most of what you have. Hair done, makeup applied, dress nice, etc.

 

Good luck.

[Oomlotte]

Sounds defensive, folks offered you feedback, which you asked for. Perhaps your defensiveness comes across to men?

 

I wasn't trying to sound defensive - it's just frustrating that it's viewed as something so awful and it's pretty much ruined my dating life/ability to trust and relate to men - like I don't need a guy to respond saying he won't lower himself to that point because I now that's how men feel. I was mainly hoping to get feedback from fat women but maybe there aren't many I here...

[jba10582]

I've see plenty of fat couples but never asked if they met while they were both fat.... although, it is a pretty direct question.

[regine_phalange]

I wasn't trying to sound defensive - it's just frustrating that it's viewed as something so awful and it's pretty much ruined my dating life/ability to trust and relate to men - like I don't need a guy to respond saying he won't lower himself to that point because I now that's how men feel. I was mainly hoping to get feedback from fat women but maybe there aren't many I here...

 

Sweetie, my friend flirts with men and then they somehow become obssessed with her. She is the one who selects, not the other way around.

[somedude81]

i really dislike the "at least you can lose the weight".

 

it really doesnt work that way or else there wouldn't be fat people left in this world, you know

That's because most people don't put in the effort to lose the weight.

 

If Oomlotte truly wants to lose the weight, she needs to completely change her diet, and start actively exercising. Then she needs to stick to it.

 

Most people don't stick to a plan and that's why they never lose weight, if they even tried.

[GoodOnPaper]

I feel like it's impossible to find a guy who is interested in me as a partner. I can find guys to **** me and I can find guys to be my friend but I can't find that all in one. It's like no man has romantic interest in me and I'm not sure how to find it - is it really just the fat? I see women heavier than I who have relationships - certainly fat men find love. Why not me?? I'm attractive, smart, funny, loyal, honest - it's like what gives? Deeply frustrating. I'm losing weight now primarily because I think I won't find it if I don't.

 

My wife is very overweight and since we've been together (over 20 years), her weight has fluctuated over a 140-pound range. You'll find LS to be a pretty tough crowd when it comes to this issue -- I've been tempted to start a thread by telling guys that they WON'T get cooties from a woman if she's over a size 6. I would bet that a lot of the guys you have come across struggle with this (and I did as well for some time): They think that others will think badly of them in some way because they have an overweight gf. A little experience and maturity will show that this is a ridiculous concern, but for some (especially younger guys), the paranoia can be embedded pretty deep -- just look through LS.

 

I live in a small city in a largely rural area and there are a lot of overweight women -- many attractive, some not-so-much -- who have husbands and children. Definitely follow this advice:

 

Last tip, one from my exW: Always look your best; make the most of what you have. Hair done, makeup applied, dress nice, etc.

[Oomlotte]

That's because most people don't put in the effort to lose the weight.

 

If Oomlotte truly wants to lose the weight, she needs to completely change her diet, and start actively exercising. Then she needs to stick to it.

 

Most people don't stick to a plan and that's why they never lose weight, if they even tried.

 

I am putting in the effort to lose weight - it's not a magic trick, though. It's quite difficult and a struggle beyond what I think people who dont struggle with weight can comprehend. That being said it is not surprising that the larger consensus seems to be by all means take the weight off.

It's probably in my best interest to avoid trying to find someone until I've lost it then, right?

[CarrieT]

Oomlotte - I have been heavy my entire life; always at least 20 to 30 pounds overweight and sometimes upwards of 80 to 100 pounds overweight.

 

And I have never lacked for male attention. But, like you said, there are a lot of guys who want just to f*ck and I would often find solace in someone's arms when I could not get into someone's heart.

 

Also, one of my oldest friends -- who now lives in England -- runs a dating site for BBW and there is no end of guys interested in finding those women who are "hefty."

[Oomlotte]

... You'll find LS to be a pretty tough crowd when it comes to this issue ...

Ha ha, I guess so! Are there not many women that post here? I appreciate your advice - I think a lot of my frustration comes from kind of what you were getting at: You can sense the interest but also their reluctance because of what others will think. It's too bad.

[Oomlotte]

Oomlotte - I have been heavy my entire life; always at least 20 to 30 pounds overweight and sometimes upwards of 80 to 100 pounds overweight.

 

And I have never lacked for male attention. But, like you said, there are a lot of guys who want just to f*ck and I would often find solace in someone's arms when I could not get into someone's heart.

 

Also, one of my oldest friends -- who now lives in England -- runs a dating site for BBW and there is no end of guys interested in finding those women who are "hefty."

 

Thanks for sharing - at least I know I'm not alone in finding what I have been getting from men. Perhaps I do need to look into different dating arenas.

[polynomial]

I am putting in the effort to lose weight - it's not a magic trick, though. It's quite difficult and a struggle beyond what I think people who dont struggle with weight can comprehend. That being said it is not surprising that the larger consensus seems to be by all means take the weight off.

It's probably in my best interest to avoid trying to find someone until I've lost it then, right?

 

Don't bother with people who say "if only fat people were determined then they would lose weight". These people know nothing about the struggle and hosestly aren't even worth replying to. Let them sit in their ignorance, nothing you say can change their views.

[dreamingoftigers]

I wasn't trying to sound defensive - it's just frustrating that it's viewed as something so awful and it's pretty much ruined my dating life/ability to trust and relate to men - like I don't need a guy to respond saying he won't lower himself to that point because I now that's how men feel. I was mainly hoping to get feedback from fat women but maybe there aren't many I here...

 

Yes it is tough on all of us. All of us "fat people."

You can see my profile picture.

 

Now what I have found in my life is that guys WILL eff us. No doubt about it. In fact there's less of a supply shortage for that it seems than for thin women.

 

I believe the reason to be that men think we're easy and will put out because we aren't (in their impression) "in demand."

 

But we ARE in demand for a screw because of the reason listed above. Now it seems that we either become a "dirty little secret" or "well she's great in be and nice personality/won't stray because she's fat." Seriously.

 

It's not the it absolutely kills any chance of finding someone.

But the excess weight is virtually never an "asset." It's always a "she's fat BUT."

But it often comes with these weird caveats.

 

Like they'll screw you but they're embarrassed.

Or they will invest in full-on and then STOP screwing you.

They'll get together with you and try to change your weight. Much like the woman who marries the alcoholic and tries to get him to stop drinking.

They like you but the fat is a weird fetish and you start to wonder if it's you or the fat. (I swear to god with one guy it WAS the fat).

They get with you expecting you to worship the ground they walk on because they were willing to get with you.

They get with you because they are naive and have had VERY little dating experience.

 

It all tends to boil down to: I love you but I don't want to eff you OR I want to eff you but please don't talk to my sister EVER.

 

I don't even think it is necessarily totally about "attraction." I think 100 years ago a guy in a little fishing village would be all excited to be our husband etc. but now we live in this mainstreamed nightmare of evaluation purely on appearances that are measured and exaggerated. And those attitudes put us at the bottom of the hierarchy. Given that, men (and women!) reflect those superficial attitudes with one another.

 

Dating a fat woman suggests a man is weak and settled or that he is "really supportive." Not that he's a "lucky guy" and "how did he get her."

 

I love my husband. But honestly I think he married me partly for the weight and not in a good way. I think his fixation (later discovered) on pornography etc. is a reflection of those intimacy issues and having an obese wife helps him maintain his intimate distance even in a marriage. I think it's also a subconscious reason to disrespect me. Because really, he's just losing a fat woman if I leave. Of course the reality plays out that way.

 

Lose the weight for you. But partly because you want a healthy (emotionally) that doesn't reflect a lot of these weird issues. Honestly, healthy guys tend to not take on issues (like obesity) and it IS a health issue.

 

LOL am I EVER not judging you. But obesity and relationships is a crappy path to be on. If there's one thing that would have gotten be a partner that I felt I deserved, it would have been to lose my weight in my early 20s.

 

Amen Clinics says there are six (at least) patterns that lead to being overweight. Check them out because not everyone responds to the same plan or diet.

 

Best of luck.

[Oomlotte]

Thanks for your advice - I agree so much with what you said and the fishing village bit was a laugh but honestly a similar scenario to one I have thought of for years. I also think had I just buckled down and lost it in my teens or early twenties I would have much much less "issues" with men and probably attract better ones into my life. I was once with a guy who fetishized my size so much so that part of his pillow talk was asking if there were a lot of guys like him out there; I told him he should find an online fat fetish community ...

 

Yes it is tough on all of us. All of us "fat people." ....

[dreamingoftigers]

That's because most people don't put in the effort to lose the weight.

 

If Oomlotte truly wants to lose the weight, she needs to completely change her diet, and start actively exercising. Then she needs to stick to it.

 

Most people don't stick to a plan and that's why they never lose weight, if they even tried.

 

Six different brain patterns tend to derail people from losing weight, not "lack of effort."

Seriously. It's annoying as crap to hear that its "laziness" or "slovenliness" or a defect of personal character.

 

Not everyone is born equal with the same brain and regulatory systems.

 

Some people's say, "oh hey, we're not hungry anymore, we are satisfied."

And others are set to "oh my, there are only four more helpings left, we are gonna die."

 

Certain foods affect certain people differently as well.

You don't call a lactose-intolerant person "weak-willed" for not being able to digest milk. Well certain foods light up parts of certain people's brains like Christmas trees. Guess what, you get ADDICTED to certain types of food in a society that doesn't even want to ACKNOWLEDGE that this issue exists and hush tell people struggling with it that they "aren't trying" that they need to "eat less of" what they are addicted to. Really?

 

Should well tell Rob Ford that he needs to "cut back on" the crack?

Should he gets a "Crack-Watcher's" points book.

Cut down to making one video every two years instead of yearly?

Maybe if he goes four years he can bank those points and have a few rocks to make videos with?

 

Ridiculous idea. And the food companies have known it for decades. They know darn well that by using high-fructose corn syrup that they HOOK people in their beverages. And those beverages like Coke and Mountain Dew are suicide in a glass for some people.

 

ARG. I've been battling this thing my whole life and I always resent the implication that I "didn't try hard enough." In a sense it is right because obviously I haven't overcome it, which means it hasn't been "hard enough" yet. BUT it has been probably 4-5 times harder throughout the course of my life than any average person puts into losing the 20 lbs they gained between college and 40 years old.

 

There isn't much harder that I am actually capable of trying.

 

If you manage to quash a meth addiction entirely on your own when this is such an isolating, shaming stigma against you in a world where meth is exposed to you everywhere you are like Meth Horton's drive-thrus, MethDonald's, Metha-Cola vending machines and it's in the grocery stores you go to for food and in the gas stations you buy your gas from and you pass a dozen "meth stops" on the way to work everyday while withdrawing from the night before.......

 

WELL THEN you've walked in my shoes.

Then you can judge me about having not conquered this nightmarish food crap.

Because you'll finally get a little what its like.