Is it this hard for all fat women or just me??

[pteromom]

You don't want to waste your time trying to talk guys who aren't into you to be into you. You want someone who loves you and is attracted to you for exactly who you are, not someone who wishes you'd change for him.

 

And they ARE out there.

 

Go out into the world with a smile and open body language, head up, making eye contact with people. Have a spring in your step.

 

Make invitations with your eyes - when you see a guy you are attracted to, smile at him. Interact with people. Remember that if you are interested in a guy who may be overweight or not "mainstream attractive", that he may not have the confidence to approach YOU, so make things easy for him!

 

Dress to make the most of your shape - don't hide under tents. You are who you are, so embrace it!

 

Have great hair, makeup, shoes, and accessories. Helps you look confident and stylish, and draws people to you.

 

You can find that right guy. You are good enough as you are, and don't let anyone tell you differently.

[William]

Folks, as a reminder, this thread pertains to a 'fat person' dating and is not a weight loss thread. For that, we have plenty of room in our health forum. Keep the thread focused on dating as a fat person and, in particular, the specifics of the thread starter's issues. Thanks!

[Targetlock]

if everyone was the same shape and size, the world would be sadder for it. variety is the spice of life. i can appreciate a larger woman but not too large, cuddly just not obese.

[ZipperZapper]

No, it's not just you. People with a weight problem generally have a much tougher time attracting partners. Male or female.

 

I'm short, kinda fat, and ugly to boot, and I'm a guy so right off the bat I have three strikes against me. So you probably have a good idea now of what unattractive men have to go through in the dating arena. In saying so, I'm not trying to discount or minimize your problem. I can certainly understand where you're coming from, because I'm experiencing similar difficulties, and I know it's painful.

 

At the same time, I see women who are obese who won't even give me the time of day because they're convinced that they're entitled to mate with a 6'2" guy who looks like Brad Pitt and will forgive their weight problem. Unfortunately guys like that just don't think that way, any more than very pretty women will change their thinking and go out with guys like me.

 

One reason why I think people are having problems with dating is because of wildly unrealistic expectations. Everybody seems to want to get someone who is out of their league, and nobody is willing to compromise. Fifty and sixty years ago, our parents and grandparents couldn't afford the luxury of hyper-pickiness that exists now. Men and women needed each other to survive, so they had to be fairly realistic about their choice of partner.

 

In saying that I'm not suggesting that people should go out with people who are really and truly unsuitable for good reasons, or someone they're simply not attracted to. But too many people have been trained by TV and other elements of our popular culture to think that only certain kinds of people with certain kinds of looks are acceptable to date. As a result, a lot of people needlessly and unfairly get excluded from the dating game.

 

People think of themselves as civilized beings, but they behave in extremely cruel and uncivilized ways when it comes to the dating arena. The hypocrisy is truly breath-taking.

Edited January 3, 2014 by ZipperZapper

[Eau Claire]

I am certainly one of those evil people who want a fit, healthy partner.

 

One....I'm physically attracted to him

 

Two...he is physically active

 

Three...he is healthy

 

I don't smoke and have never done drugs....I don't pair up or hang around with people who do. I don't associate win gamblers or crooks. I have no desire to go to bars or eat fast food or open a bag of cookies. My guy eats healthy food.

 

My 2 cents as a nurse...associate with fit, healthy people. People who will not say it is ok to have one cookie..people who will go for a walk...people who are active because they enjoy it. Raise your own standards of who you listen to and hang out with. Don't get coddled by other overweight people into thinking being overweight is fine...it is not. Bad behaviour loves company.

[oldshirt]

I feel like it's impossible to find a guy who is interested in me as a partner. I can find guys to **** me and I can find guys to be my friend but I can't find that all in one.

 

 

.

 

 

 

Legions of hot, slender, super-models have spoken those exact same words.

 

 

Those words ring true with women ranging from 2s to 10s and they are all sincere and honest in their frustration.

 

 

The difference is the men that pumping and dumping the super models are tall, handsome, buff, jet-setting billionaires and the men who are being friendzoned are fairly decent looking coporate executives.

 

 

And the men who are pumping and dumping obese women are.....well not the billionaires. and the men who are getting friendzoned are not fairly decent looking corporate executives.

 

 

The situation and the frustration that goes with it are the same for all women. What varies is the quality of the men in question.

 

 

If you lose the weight and get polished up and looking sharp, you will still have guys out of your league pumping and dumping you and you will still have men under your league that will interested in you but you will not have an interest in them.

 

 

The difference is that both the leagues of the men wanting you just for sex and the leagues of the men that you friendzone will be higher.

 

 

The challenge of finding the right match is the same whether you are beautiful or not. The right match when you do find it will be commensurate to what league you are in at the time.

[Eau Claire]

Legions of hot, slender, super-models have spoken those exact same words.

 

 

Those words ring true with women ranging from 2s to 10s and they are all sincere and honest in their frustration.

 

 

The difference is the men that pumping and dumping the super models are tall, handsome, buff, jet-setting billionaires and the men who are being friendzoned are fairly decent looking coporate executives.

 

 

And the men who are pumping and dumping obese women are.....well not the billionaires. and the men who are getting friendzoned are not fairly decent looking corporate executives.

 

 

The situation and the frustration that goes with it are the same for all women. What varies is the quality of the men in question.

 

 

If you lose the weight and get polished up and looking sharp, you will still have guys out of your league pumping and dumping you and you will still have men under your league that will interested in you but you will not have an interest in them.

 

 

The difference is that both the leagues of the men wanting you just for sex and the leagues of the men that you friendzone will be higher.

 

 

The challenge of finding the right match is the same whether you are beautiful or not. The right match when you do find it will be commensurate to what league you are in at the time.

 

Baloney. Most guys are not looking to dump fat girls or super models. Most guys like most women want a good healthy relationship.

 

Being fit makes one more attractive. Reality regardless of denial. The more attractive one is, the more options in choosing a man. No, it doesn't mean a happy relationship is guaranteed but more likely.

 

If I walk into a wine store, being wealthy lets me choose from 200 wine types instead of 10 types. An expensive bottle might not be real good but it is more likely to be real good than a cheap one. I personally want the option of attracting a male who is not overweight...no guarantee but the odds are he is healthier, better educated, active...things we should all want to associate with. We shouldn't be settling forman because it he is the best we can do.

[ThatMan]

Thanks for your advice - I agree so much with what you said and the fishing village bit was a laugh but honestly a similar scenario to one I have thought of for years. I also think had I just buckled down and lost it in my teens or early twenties I would have much much less "issues" with men and probably attract better ones into my life. I was once with a guy who fetishized my size so much so that part of his pillow talk was asking if there were a lot of guys like him out there; I told him he should find an online fat fetish community ...

I can see throughout this thread that you plan to lose weight. What about self-improvement for other areas in your life? Maybe there is more to think about. You acknowledge that some men prefer plus-sized women. Maybe your appearance isn't the one thing to place such importance in finding dates.

Edited January 3, 2014 by ThatMan
phone

[Oomlotte]

I can see throughout this thread that you plan to lose weight. What about self-improvement for other areas in your life? Maybe there is more to think about. You acknowledge that some men prefer plus-sized women. Maybe your appearance isn't the one thing to place such importance in finding dates.

 

That is very true - it is easy to forget that dating is about being open about sharing all your qualities with different people. I can see where the emphasis on appearance can make me less open to new people. It is hard to not let it dominate your mind as I'm sure you can see from some of the responses here people associate really negative qualities with people who are overweight - the assumption is that I'll be rejected. I think that turns it into a reality. I think those of us who don't fit the norms are too caught up in finding people who look past or simply accept our differences as opposed to embracing them or, God forbid, desiring or enjoying them. I'm not lazy or slovenly or stupid or gross but, as posts here show, people actively and openly believe these things and live their lives accordingly - it's easy to just give up because as much as people who aren't fat are bombarded with these opinions fat people truly internalize them. It makes dating that much more difficult because you have to actively silence the part of yourself that sees this hatred in others whether it's there or not.

[MissBee]

I feel like it's impossible to find a guy who is interested in me as a partner. I can find guys to **** me and I can find guys to be my friend but I can't find that all in one. It's like no man has romantic interest in me and I'm not sure how to find it - is it really just the fat? I see women heavier than I who have relationships - certainly fat men find love. Why not me?? I'm attractive, smart, funny, loyal, honest - it's like what gives? Deeply frustrating. I'm losing weight now primarily because I think I won't find it if I don't.

 

What do people think? I did a search and didn't see anything about fat dating, etc.

 

I'm pretty sure it's not the fat..as you yourself see fat women who have relationships.

 

Skinny women also encounter men who want to have sex or do other things but not commit.

 

I am sure there are other things going on with regards to who you attract and how you pick men versus it being a "fat thing." As much as some men only like small women lots of men like bigger women and in the culture I'm from being thicker is what is culturally attractive so that doesn't stop women from finding men.

 

Skinny or fat, ugly or pretty, finding a food relationship where you're on the same page and finding someone who wants to commit are not always easy. It is an utter lie that being more attractive will bring you the right person. Nonsense! Being more attractive physically will just bring you more people who want to sleep with you or who find you attractive but that doesn't mean that if before 10 men would approach you a year and now 100 do, the new 90 are all worth your time or serious about a relationship. It increases your quantity maybe but not necessarily quality.

Edited January 3, 2014 by MissBee

[Lokie]

OP, please google "body acceptance", "obesity myth", and/or "health at every size." You will find a vast amount of information about the stigma of being overweight in our society.

 

Losing weight is great and I hope you find success with that. But if you find that your body's natural set point remains overweight, please look into these sites/books/movements in order to feel confident and sexy in any size body. To be accepted, we need to accept ourselves - same with loving ourselves.

 

And be leery of men who say they want someone "fit." One can be fit and overweight, but that's not what they want. As one LS poster said to me, "Physical shape (which I am also in) is a large factor in our attraction to women. Learn to accept it. It's biology and I'm not going to pretend I'm not a man by stifling my natural instincts. Looks (as in if someone is in shape, not style) matter 100% to men. If men in your yoga class tell you otherwise, they are BSing you and possibly themselves."

 

… but you seem smart enough to be able to see these guys from a mile away…

 

((Hugs to you.))

 

L.

[WhiteTan]

Being overweight will limit your options but so will being skinny. I went from weighing 180 pounds to 124 and my ex boyfriend lost interest right away and finally admitted that I was more attractive to him when I was bigger.

 

I am happy with my new body regardless of what he thinks and if you're happy with your body, don't change it for anybody else. If losing weight will make you happy, do that.. but the process has got to be about you.

 

Good luck!

Edited January 3, 2014 by WhiteTan

[Elias33]

That is very true - it is easy to forget that dating is about being open about sharing all your qualities with different people. I can see where the emphasis on appearance can make me less open to new people. It is hard to not let it dominate your mind as I'm sure you can see from some of the responses here people associate really negative qualities with people who are overweight - the assumption is that I'll be rejected. I think that turns it into a reality. I think those of us who don't fit the norms are too caught up in finding people who look past or simply accept our differences as opposed to embracing them or, God forbid, desiring or enjoying them. I'm not lazy or slovenly or stupid or gross but, as posts here show, people actively and openly believe these things and live their lives accordingly - it's easy to just give up because as much as people who aren't fat are bombarded with these opinions fat people truly internalize them. It makes dating that much more difficult because you have to actively silence the part of yourself that sees this hatred in others whether it's there or not.

 

This is why it doesn't matter what other people think. People will always have different preferences and quite frankly, we can't blame them. More women will prefer a tall and handsome man, then the short and ugly one. Nothing wrong with that.

 

You don't owe anyone an explanation, we as people will make assumptions about people based on their looks no matter what. We all do this. It's how our brain functions.

 

I have dated all shapes and sizes and all these women thought the other women (with other traits) had the advantage. Like others have said, it's not necessarily about the fat. I think that the people on here have been honest with you and that should be valued. Criticism can be explored, and if the criticism is invalid, you'll know soon enough. But it still can be used to better oneself.

[irc333]

What's ironic is, the fact I had recently emailed a woman that had 3 deal breakers.

 

2 were of the typical, 'No players, no games, etc" type of deal breakers, the 3rd one was kind of unique in the fact that she was wanting a man to accept the fact she was "short & curvy" in appearance.

 

Basically, she recognized the fact she had some weight on her, and NOT to contact her if men weren't into her physical appearance.

 

Luckily, I don't mind a few pounds on a woman, I found her cute and we seemed to be a match in what we were looking for in a mate and so on, and she said she thought we wouldn't make a good match, even though we were seeking the same in a relationship.

 

She never got into the "why" of why she didn't think we were a good match, though on "paper" we were, but I'm banking that there was some physical attribute, even a woman of her weight, wasn't willing to accept either.

 

So she's kind of like, "I'm fat, you must be willing to accept me for me, but I won't accept you for your physical flaws".

 

 

I'm getting to the point where if I'm going to be rejected, it might as well be by the more hot women, so I'm better off pursuing them instead. lol Quite ironic.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I feel like it's impossible to find a guy who is interested in me as a partner. I can find guys to **** me and I can find guys to be my friend but I can't find that all in one. It's like no man has romantic interest in me and I'm not sure how to find it - is it really just the fat?

 

Oomlotte, I honestly think that most women struggle with the fact that they can easily find a guy who wants sex or a guy who wants to be friends but don't find a guy who wants to be their partner. I am slim and I struggle with the same thing.

 

I do however think that it will never harm you to lose some weight because most guys prefer a slimmer woman and it is healthier. There are some guys out there who want a fat woman but that always reeks of an unhealthy fetish to me as I don't see how you would want a person to be unhealthy.

 

Real love remains difficult to find, that's even valid for the most pretty persons out there. Good looks are not a guarantee, if that would be the case, all of Hollywood would be in perfect long-term relationships...

[oldshirt]

Baloney. Most guys are not looking to dump fat girls or super models. Most guys like most women want a good healthy relationship.

 

Being fit makes one more attractive. Reality regardless of denial. The more attractive one is, the more options in choosing a man. No, it doesn't mean a happy relationship is guaranteed but more likely.

 

If I walk into a wine store, being wealthy lets me choose from 200 wine types instead of 10 types. An expensive bottle might not be real good but it is more likely to be real good than a cheap one. I personally want the option of attracting a male who is not overweight...no guarantee but the odds are he is healthier, better educated, active...things we should all want to associate with. We shouldn't be settling forman because it he is the best we can do.

 

 

I'm not sure you are completely understanding what it is I am saying.

 

What I am getting at is attractive people and unattractive people have the same challenges and the same obstacles. It's just that the attractive people are being challenged by more attractive people than are the unattractive.

 

Your "attractive people have more options" is partially true but only to point in actual practice.

 

Let's use numbers to simplify. If someone is a 7, their realistic dating pool is going to be 6s-8s. They will strive for 8 and above but how it will often play out is the 8s will be more prone to just pump and dump them as opposed to actually enter a serious R with them. And they will probably be completely off the radar screen and invisible to the 9s and 10s.

 

Conversely, 6s will often be interested in an R with them but they will likely be friendliness as they are more interested to try to get an 8 or above.

 

The 5s and below will be off the radar and not under any consideration. So while one can make the argument that that the more attractive someone is, the more options they have because technically they "could" choose from the pool of 6 on down. But the reality is most people simply won't go much below their own rank and will go without rather than considering anyone two or more points below their own rank. So the "more options" argument is a bit of a misnomer.

 

The point I was trying to make is if someone is a 5, they are gonna be used for sex only by 6s and approached for Rs by 4s and below. Some of the 4s might make it to the friendzone but the 3s and below will be off the radar.

 

If that person can bring themselves up to an 8, they'll be getting pumped and dumped by 9s and approached for Rs by 7s, most of which will be friendzoned.

 

So in other words their actual range of candidates will remain roughly the spread and the challenges and processes will remain roughly the same. The difference is it will be a higher class of participants.

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure you are completely understanding what it is I am saying.

 

What I am getting at is attractive people and unattractive people have the same challenges and the same obstacles. It's just that the attractive people are being challenged by more attractive people than are the unattractive.

 

Your "attractive people have more options" is partially true but only to point in actual practice.

 

Let's use numbers to simplify. If someone is a 7, their realistic dating pool is going to be 6s-8s. They will strive for 8 and above but how it will often play out is the 8s will be more prone to just pump and dump them as opposed to actually enter a serious R with them. And they will probably be completely off the radar screen and invisible to the 9s and 10s.

 

Conversely, 6s will often be interested in an R with them but they will likely be friendliness as they are more interested to try to get an 8 or above.

 

The 5s and below will be off the radar and not under any consideration. So while one can make the argument that that the more attractive someone is, the more options they have because technically they "could" choose from the pool of 6 on down. But the reality is most people simply won't go much below their own rank and will go without rather than considering anyone two or more points below their own rank. So the "more options" argument is a bit of a misnomer.

 

The point I was trying to make is if someone is a 5, they are gonna be used for sex only by 6s and approached for Rs by 4s and below. Some of the 4s might make it to the friendzone but the 3s and below will be off the radar.

 

If that person can bring themselves up to an 8, they'll be getting pumped and dumped by 9s and approached for Rs by 7s, most of which will be friendzoned.

 

So in other words their actual range of candidates will remain roughly the spread and the challenges and processes will remain roughly the same. The difference is it will be a higher class of participants.

 

 

To sum it up a little more concisely, as your level of attractiveness goes up the quality of your potential strike zone goes up. The actual quantity of candidates does not go up and the challenges and problems of finding "the one" remain the same.

 

In fact in many ways beautiful people have less quantity to choose from because there are way more average and less than average people in the world than there are beautiful.

[dreamingoftigers]

To sum it up a little more concisely, as your level of attractiveness goes up the quality of your potential strike zone goes up. The actual quantity of candidates does not go up and the challenges and problems of finding "the one" remain the same.

 

In fact in many ways beautiful people have less quantity to choose from because there are way more average and less than average people in the world than there are beautiful.

 

I think that it isn't QUITE that simple.

 

I think that the options open up say, to a factor of 1.1 per level of attractiveness.

 

But that skews it for the people at the bottom of the totem pole.

 

With women it seems that there is a small percentage of men -5% that have that "universal attractiveness" that sparks off an attraction right away (and not entirely universal at that, maybe 50-60% of women would find the guy attractive.

 

But for the rest of men, they need to put more effort in.

 

And many many many men overinflate their attractiveness value (statistical proof of this) and they'll shoot for the ten on the 1 in 10000 chance that they'll get her. Figuring if they do it 10000 times they will end up with a ten, despite the fact that the ten has 10000 guys all doing the same thing.

[oldshirt]

I think that it isn't QUITE that simple.

 

I think that the options open up say, to a factor of 1.1 per level of attractiveness.

 

But that skews it for the people at the bottom of the totem pole.

 

With women it seems that there is a small percentage of men -5% that have that "universal attractiveness" that sparks off an attraction right away (and not entirely universal at that, maybe 50-60% of women would find the guy attractive.

 

But for the rest of men, they need to put more effort in.

 

And many many many men overinflate their attractiveness value (statistical proof of this) and they'll shoot for the ten on the 1 in 10000 chance that they'll get her. Figuring if they do it 10000 times they will end up with a ten, despite the fact that the ten has 10000 guys all doing the same thing.

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

It is very oversimplified but conceptually accurate.

[Scales]

This is getting crazy. First of all, lose weight. Please don't think i'm saying that as a simple blanket statement. It is easily the hardest thing you will ever do. Its so hard. I promise though that finding someone will not erase the pain of being overweight, and you will still face the hard issues with society, friends, and work. You will be totally different, feel better, and find a guy easily. Getting to a point where you like your own progress will feel better than any relationship. Don't believe people who say that being inshape doesn't affect the quality you can find. It does. Lose weight I promise you will find someone. I know friends who are girls in the exact same situation, lost weight, and then found a great relationship.

 

secondly, I don't date women who are overweight because I'm not attracted to that body type, and more importantly, they are often times incredibly depressed. I can't take on the weight of making someone feel special and important everyday because they need it. Few overweight people are happy with themselves. They claim to be confident, can be outgoing, and can dance with the best of them, but most of them go home at the end of the day wishing they were something else.

[oldshirt]

 

And many many many men overinflate their attractiveness value (statistical proof of this) and they'll shoot for the ten on the 1 in 10000 chance that they'll get her. Figuring if they do it 10000 times they will end up with a ten, despite the fact that the ten has 10000 guys all doing the same thing.

 

I'm not sure it's that they over estimate their own level of attractiveness so much as sometimes you just get lucky and the stars line up. Some times the 8's boyfriend cheats on her or she dumps him, then gets drunk while she's speculating and is a bit horny but feeling vulnerable too and that 6 just happens to be at the right place at the time with just the right twinkle in his eye and BOOM!

 

The next day she awkwardly tells him she's in "a bad place right now" and can't have a relationship with him but for one night he won that 1 in 10000 lottery.

[thinkingofhim]

Are there such a thing as flirting classes? I was overweight growing up and not naturally flirty at all. It's not something I picked up on. There's nothing worse than seeing the absolute horror and fear in a guys eyes when he thinks a chubby girl might have a crush on him.

 

Not sure what happened between high school and adulthood, but the rail thin girls from high school in my region have all morphed into overweight/obese women seemingly overnight and they don't have trouble finding husbands. Literally every adult married woman I know in my city is overweight/obese.

 

So that leaves me... still overweight but not obese, in very good health/shape despite my lbs, frequent gymgoer (recently was able to deadlift over my bodyweight, been a goal of mine for a good while!!). And horribly leery and suspicious of men who show me interest, worried that they are the kind of creeps who thought fat girls were easy back in high school. Nooooo thannkkssss!

 

Dating as a fat girl is tough, but I see flirty fun girls succeed all the time. Unfortunately I turned out suspicious, not coy at all, and with too much of an interest in "manly" things to seem flirty and girly and cute.

[trevzilla]

I've never been attracted to fat women. I don't mind a little extra and I don't need a women to be a stick. It is what it is, I can't date someone I'm not attracted to. I'm friends with people I'm not attracted to. I have a friend who doesn't care, and is with a woman who is 250 pounds. Different strokes for different folks.

 

Plus I actually gained a lot of weight when I was married partially because my ex was very sedentary and ate crap. She remained thin, and I ballooned to 255 pounds. Now I'm down to 205 and I won't go out with someone who doesn't share my commitment to health and fitness.

[oldshirt]

Are there such a thing as flirting classes? I was overweight growing up and not naturally flirty at all. It's not something I picked up on. There's nothing worse than seeing the absolute horror and fear in a guys eyes when he thinks a chubby girl might have a crush on him.

 

Not sure what happened between high school and adulthood, but the rail thin girls from high school in my region have all morphed into overweight/obese women seemingly overnight and they don't have trouble finding husbands. Literally every adult married woman I know in my city is overweight/obese.

 

So that leaves me... still overweight but not obese, in very good health/shape despite my lbs, frequent gymgoer (recently was able to deadlift over my bodyweight, been a goal of mine for a good while!!). And horribly leery and suspicious of men who show me interest, worried that they are the kind of creeps who thought fat girls were easy back in high school. Nooooo thannkkssss!

 

Dating as a fat girl is tough, but I see flirty fun girls succeed all the time. Unfortunately I turned out suspicious, not coy at all, and with too much of an interest in "manly" things to seem flirty and girly and cute.

 

I think this is worthy of your own thread.

 

I think this more of a self esteem and distrust issue than a fat issue.

[thinkingofhim]

Don't need a thread, I'm ok with myself and where I'm at in life. Just posting my perspective.