Is it this hard for all fat women or just me??

[Wingless]

Well, I'm just going to be straightforward and don't take this as me bragging or anything, there's just simply no other way to word it. I haven’t always been fat, but in the last five years I developed a condition that caused me to gain a bunch of weight really fast. So, for the past 4 years, I’ve been fat. Since I’ve gained the weight, I have never had a problem getting a boyfriend and I've always had my choice in. I’ve never had a unrequited love. I've never dated an 'ugly guy' or even a fat or chubby guy. All of my boyfriends have been fit/athletic and veryyy attractive (Not just to me, but like the 'school hotties' and such) and well-rounded individuals. Most of my exes say "I've never liked a...'bigger girl' before, there's just something special about you." The problem I have had though is how other GIRLS view my relationships. They get mad at me, jealous, ect and say rude things like “Oh my god, why is he with her? She’s so fat! He could do so much better” Which, obviously hurts my feelings. But, the guys I was with were all crazy about me and didn’t care what others thought.

 

My current lover is 6'2 and 215 lbs and he is very attractive. He told me fat chicks had always disgusted him and he never even considered dating one that he wouldn't even have sex with one no matter how desperate he was, but the moment he saw me and first met me, he was instantly attracted to me and fell for me instantly. Despite formally having a mindset of “I wouldn’t touch a fatchick with a 20inch pole” He thinks I’m absolutely the most gorgeous/ beautiful/ sexy/ perfect/ect woman ever (a lot of my exes thought so too). When I asked him why he even looked my way, since I wasn’t his type, he said something like “I don’t know, when I saw you that first time, something about you was just phenomenal. I noticed you were bigger, but my physical attraction for you was through the roof. The way you carried yourself and the vibe you gave off was just amazing yadda, yadda, yadda.” We both know that appearance wise he could date someone who is technically deemed more attractive by society, but he loves me for who I am. Of course, it shocked it him that he was so attracted to me at first haha.

 

Of course, I'm working on losing weight, I've lost a significant amount of weight in the past 6 months after starting medication to get my condition under control. He wants me to lose weight too, but not because he doesn't like how I look, but because he wants me to be healthy so we can build a family and have a long life together. But, ultimately, he's supporting whatever I want to do. If I want to stay fat, he's okay with it, although he'd rather me be HEALTHY, not skinny/tiny/thin/small/whatever.

 

My guess is is that it might be in how you carry yourself. You're not giving off a positive vibe for whatever reason. Maybe guys can sense a lack of self-confidence or even see a sense of discomfort with yourself. But, you also need to not be so concerned with how your appearance when it comes to dating. I’m a very compassionate, loving, and caring person. I care about how others feel. However, I don’t care what they think about my appearance. If someone doesn’t find me attractive, oh well.

 

I don’t know, maybe I’m just one of the really lucky fat girls. Who knows. I have heard multiple times that I’m built well. My boyfriend and I were talking about my weight loss goals and I told him I wanted to get down to 150 pounds before he’s back home. He goes “So what, you only need to lose about 40/50 pounds?” and I burst out laughing. Let’s just say it’s a looooot more than that lol.

[MixedUpChick]

As an aside this thread has convinced me to simply avoid dating until Im done losing weight, lol!

 

Over the last year I've been working on improving my own health & lifestyle, to eat better & be more active. I've lost some weight but I'm not quite where I want to be yet. But - I've been dating & I think you should, too.

 

Changing your weight isn't just "going on a diet" - it's a lifestyle change, to make better food choices & incorporate more exercise &/or activity in your life, probably for the rest of your life. While you're working on improving yourself there's no reason not to put yourself out there & work on your dating skills, but at the same time - make sure you're looking for someone with a similar healthy outlook on life. It'll make things so much easier to maintain your new lifestyle if you can find someone with the same health goals.

[Arieswoman]

It's all a matter of personal choice.

 

My gardener only dated "big" women ( like over 250 lbs ) and he's been with the last girl for about 2 years. The petrol pump attendent at the local garage is living with a girl who is at least 300 lbs.

 

Both these guys are about 5'6" tall and average build, and their girlfriends are taller than they are.

 

I am sure there are dating agencies for "larger ladies", you just need to look in the right places.

 

Good luck.

[salparadise]

I wasn't trying to sound defensive - it's just frustrating that it's viewed as something so awful and it's pretty much ruined my dating life/ability to trust and relate to men - like I don't need a guy to respond saying he won't lower himself to that point because I now [know] that's how men feel.

 

You do realize that it's not merely about how some insensitive ass responded harshly in this thread... the reason that comment got traction is because it resonates with how you feel about the issue, and about yourself.

 

Both genders have always had the right to decide what appeals when it comes to mate selection, no matter how arbitrary. It doesn't make you intrinsically less valuable as a human being, but as you're aware, it does lower your dating equity. I'm not going to be one of those naive people who criticize and cite as caloric intake a simple fix, but you know can make changes if you decide to. Wishing you could change other people’s perspectives and preferences is less effective.

 

Women don't do man charity, in case you haven't noticed. They're bleeding-heart for the hungry, poor, handicapped, small independent merchants and mistreated animals... but when it comes to mate selection there is no charity and no apology. It's true for men as well––everyone goes for the best they can get given their own attractiveness quotient. Women tend to fixate on getting a top male, but top males are as every bit as picky as top women. One alternative would be to accept man who is lonely due to some perceived shortcomings that has rendered him unsuccessful with most women.

 

Yea, I know that's not what you want. Realistically though, this forum is full of extremely attractive women with toned, athletic bodies who are frustrated as hell that they can't get what they want––invariably a top male who can get any woman he wants, but falls so madly in love with her that he eschews all other females and desires only her for the rest of his life. So in that sense... welcome to planet earth. I found the woman of my dreams too, but she won't return my calls, and since I drank the "never settle" koolaid it has left me with exactly the same predicament.

Edited January 11, 2014 by salparadise

[Oomlotte]

Again, I want to reiterate that my intention in posting was not to hear from people about how they view fat people and dating but rather to ask other women if it was as difficult for them as it has been for me. Maybe get some advice or tips on where or how to meet men who are interested in larger women. It was not my intention to be lectured about how I can change if I want to... And I just want to ask: can you imagine the psychological damage that is done when you are told you must accept that you are not good enough. You basically said matter of fact like I should have no respect for myself that I have accepted that I am worth less than others and that this is the way it should be. Imagine being socialized to see yourself that way because all of us fat people are and then the next time you decide to offer a self righteous lecture that goes against the stated topic of the thread ask yourself what it would be like to walk through life thinking you have less value because your body is bigger than the societally determined norm. This is not me being defensive so much as pointing out that a. You missed the purpose of the thread and b. chastised me for having the decency to see myself as having some value.

 

You do realize that it's not merely about how some insensitive ass responded harshly in this thread... the reason that comment got traction is because it resonates with how you feel about the issue, and about yourself.

 

Both genders have always had the right to decide what appeals when it comes to mate selection, no matter how arbitrary. It doesn't make you intrinsically less valuable as a human being, but as you're aware, it does lower your dating equity. I'm not going to be one of those naive people who criticize and cite as caloric intake a simple fix, but you know can make changes if you decide to. Wishing you could change other people’s perspectives and preferences is less effective.

 

Women don't do man charity, in case you haven't noticed. They're bleeding-heart for the hungry, poor, handicapped, small independent merchants and mistreated animals... but when it comes to mate selection there is no charity and no apology. It's true for men as well––everyone goes for the best they can get given their own attractiveness quotient. Women tend to fixate on getting a top male, but top males are as every bit as picky as top women. One alternative would be to accept man who is lonely due to some perceived shortcomings that has rendered him unsuccessful with most women.

 

Yea, I know that's not what you want. Realistically though, this forum is full of extremely attractive women with toned, athletic bodies who are frustrated as hell that they can't get what they want––invariably a top male who can get any woman he wants, but falls so madly in love with her that he eschews all other females and desires only her for the rest of his life. So in that sense... welcome to planet earth. I found the woman of my dreams too, but she won't return my calls, and since I drank the "never settle" koolaid it has left me with exactly the same predicament.

[salparadise]

Again, I want to reiterate that my intention in posting was not to hear from people about how they view fat people and dating but rather to ask other women if it was as difficult for them as it has been for me. Maybe get some advice or tips on where or how to meet men who are interested in larger women. It was not my intention to be lectured about how I can change if I want to... And I just want to ask: can you imagine the psychological damage that is done when you are told you must accept that you are not good enough. You basically said matter of fact like I should have no respect for myself that I have accepted that I am worth less than others and that this is the way it should be. Imagine being socialized to see yourself that way because all of us fat people are and then the next time you decide to offer a self righteous lecture that goes against the stated topic of the thread ask yourself what it would be like to walk through life thinking you have less value because your body is bigger than the societally determined norm. This is not me being defensive so much as pointing out that a. You missed the purpose of the thread and b. chastised me for having the decency to see myself as having some value.

 

Oomlotte, you are so defensive that you are trying to obfuscate rationality by defining a premise that is not based in reality. I did not say you are worthless. I said the opposite––that being fat does not make you intrinsically less valuable. It just makes you less datable. Those are two completely separate concepts that you insist on rolling into one. There are men who prefer heavier women, but they're fewer in number than those who prefer thin. That's just a fact you're going to have to accept if you choose not to do the unspeakable (make changes). Most women prefer tall men to short, a full head of hair to bald, and straight, white teeth to crooked or discolored. These characteristics are similar to fat in that they don't make a person intrinsically less valuable, but they do make the person less desirable on the dating market. If you choose not to acknowledge the distinction you may be able to effectively delude yourself, but you will not change the world by preemptively declaring fat to be a protected class and therefore not subject to discrimination on the dating market.

 

Realistically, here are your options... have a wonderfully magnetic personality, be extraordinarily attractive (current topic notwithstanding), appeal to men who prefer large women or don't have a preference, seek males who are willing to compromise (with or without shortcomings of their own), or be completely uncompromising and hold out for the same top quality males that ninety-five percent of all women are trying to snag.

 

I suggest that you read the threads about which gender has it tougher in dating and realize that vast majority of single people are frustrated as hell that they can't get what they want. The people who make changes mentally and emotionally, as well as hitting the gym to make themselves more attractive to the opposite sex, are the ones who improves their chances of getting what they want. Waiting for the world to beat a path to your door is somewhat less effective.

[BachelorofCNY]

Yes, most men are not attracted to obese women. Some men are, but most aren't.

 

At least you can lose the fat.

 

Imagine if you were a short guy. You'd have more trouble finding somebody to date you and you could never get taller.

 

 

 

Ugh! I am not liking that final statement you said about short guy. I am at 5' 2.5" without shoes and a bit chubby although lost some weight. Was at 175 at one time. I am at 159 now. Eating and drinking healthier than I used to.

 

 

About most men are not attracted. Well, true but many ended up marrying women who are overweight. Most people are overweight. Stop with the Hollywood or NY Fashion mentality. Hey, I have dated most women who are overweight and hardly thin ones. If I dated the thin ones, they used me and yes, they did. What choice I have? Tough one. There was one who is thin and I wanted to marry her and we knew each other for years because she refused to make a move on me. She was afraid to marry so I let her go. Her loss. I married wrong one and now divorced to an overweight woman the same height as I am.

 

 

Overweight women likes me but many other things we do not match. Thin ones do not and used me. I got tougher since 1995. Long story. So, I am kind of stuck but I believe the right one will come along.

[ThatMan]

Again, I want to reiterate that my intention in posting was not to hear from people about how they view fat people and dating but rather to ask other women if it was as difficult for them as it has been for me. Maybe get some advice or tips on where or how to meet men who are interested in larger women. It was not my intention to be lectured about how I can change if I want to... And I just want to ask: can you imagine the psychological damage that is done when you are told you must accept that you are not good enough. You basically said matter of fact like I should have no respect for myself that I have accepted that I am worth less than others and that this is the way it should be. Imagine being socialized to see yourself that way because all of us fat people are and then the next time you decide to offer a self righteous lecture that goes against the stated topic of the thread ask yourself what it would be like to walk through life thinking you have less value because your body is bigger than the societally determined norm. This is not me being defensive so much as pointing out that a. You missed the purpose of the thread and b. chastised me for having the decency to see myself as having some value.

Oomlotte, although slightly off topic; do you value yourself based on the success of your dating life? I understand that you've clarified in the message above what you intend to get out of this discussion, but I believe that this is worth consideration. Going through life by basing your own happiness and self-esteem on the whims of other people is no way to exist. How other people feel about plus-sized women does NOT change how YOU feel about yourself.

 

There are also plenty of plus-sized women who do date successfully. I previously urged you to carefully examine other facets of your life, and I still urge you to do exactly that. The people who are more committed to self-improvement lead fulfilling lives.

[preraph]

I think some of it depends on your age. If your young, there's a chance. I was thin up until I got older and I can tell you now I'm fat, I am invisible to all men now. Really, just being over 40 made most of them stop looking, even when I was thin and looked really good for my age. But fat and over 40, it probably won't happen. I'm encouraged that you are at least able to get sex and attract male friends. Maybe one will develop into something.

 

Honestly, I think most of the fat women you see married were thin when they married and then got fat.

 

If you are young, I want you to have a doctor assess whether you really are "obese" or not, because so many young people think they're fat who aren't these days. When I talk about fat, I mean 50 pounds over what their height's normal is. If you're just a little heavy, it may not matter so much.

[czanclus]

According to the majority of men, being 'fat' (tolerances vary, but there is consensus on the general gist of the term) is a deal-breaker. Why a man would rather date a skinny meth-head with herpes than a size 18 woman who pays her bills and can cook up a storm is beyond me, but having read and heard enough commentary from the gender on the topic, I would say that if you can at all manage to bring your weight down to a normal weight without losing your sanity, put your effor there.

 

However! *dramatic pause* As a slender and (according to men in my target demographic) attractive woman, I am here to tell you that the pot of gold at the end of this rainbow is not as shiny as you may imagine. An overwhelming majority of men still seek mostly casual sexual hook-ups, and while you will be 'graced' with plenty of attention and compliments (as strategies to woo you into undressing and letting them inside your body), the relationship prospects are just as sad as on the other end.

 

So, if you go the weight losing route, vow to do it for yourself and for yourself only. I personally support weight management and fitness because I believe it contributes to being a better sex partner and lover in a broader sense. Being fit causes an appreciation of one's body and frees your mind from self-consiousness ridden barriers and inhibitions. Not to mention that pelvic muscular tissue absent fat tissue yields some pretty nice orgasms. So there's plenty of reasons regardless of the male species' blindness to your beauty otherwise to slim down and get fit.

 

Best in all endeavors, love and believe in yourself above all else, and you will have a happy life no matter what.

Edited January 21, 2014 by czanclus

[MaryJiltz]

There are still men out there who prefer fat women..

not joking... I actually know a guy who only dated

fat women ... I don't why..

(They are a gem, hard to find)

 

 

As for me, Fat men has never been an option.

It's like dating another race for me... .

[kart180]

As for me, Fat men has never been an option.

It's like dating another race for me... .

 

What wrong with dating another race. We are all human. I know some great interracial marriages. As long as both love it each, It don't matter about the race.

[Haydn]

[D.Mc.]

Hi, I feel for you & can tell you that if/when you get to whatever goal weight you set, you're going to have a whole new set of dating rejections based on whatever some man might be looking for that you don't have. Thinking solely in terms of what you don't measure up to will can make you miserable. I lost a lot of weight for my health alone & now I sometimes fall into the trap of judging a guy's weight just as I might have been judged myself. That being said, we all want a specific type, even if we don't know or admit it. This type can change with time& experiences. I think the best chance of a successful relationship is when both people really like each other on all levels, not just physically, and that is so much work for both parties.

[kart180]

I look right through obese women. I'll be polite and nice but I could never have sex with one. I couldn't even fool around with one. All I can think about is the shape of their body, how it got that way, and how bad I feel for them because I know they know they are obese. I know they feel ashamed and I can't imagine having sex with someone who feels so ashamed about their body.

 

Shame is the opposite of sex on the spectrum of emotions for me so I am literally experiencing being turned off completely.

I would go out with curvy women i.e not extreme obese but no sex. I prefer the nice tall fit women. Curvy would be last resot

[Eau Claire]

I would go out with curvy women i.e not extreme obese but no sex. I prefer the nice tall fit women. Curvy would be last resot

 

Curvy does not mean overweight. I'm 118lbs and 'curvy'. Curvy is too often misused as meaning overweight.

[todreaminblue]

hey ooom,

 

I am a big girl,never had problems dating other than myself,i am schizo affective suffer from depression have five kids,certified once, and an ex who sleeps on my couch, still manage to not have trouble dating when i am ready to date,because it is me who doesnt judge a book by its cover...do they judge me.....maybe they do, in fact i know some people do .....not only for my weight but for who i am........what i tend to do is date guys who are attracted to me.....i can normally tell when they are....its in the eyes.....

 

 

i have a bounce in my step even though people tell me i shouldnt ......**** them...i dance like no oen is there.....and i find things that are beautiful when i dont feel so beautiful myself....i can find the beauty in the roughest of diamonds.........another womans coal and all that

 

 

i like to be fit ex military...so yeah i enjoy that fit feeling and muscle burn ...i put on weight with the meds they had me on five kids yada yada..... the fact i never went outside for a couple of years didnt help my fitness elvels......zombied out..

 

 

i can outlast skinny young thangs on the dance floor and i sweat more and I dont care when my hair drips.......because i love dancing.......sweaty mess i end up....but happy...lol

 

 

be who you are...lose weight if you want to if it truly makes you happy...you can be a bigger girl and be fit by the way.........and if a guy doesnt want to date you because you are overweight dont date him.......date someone who looks at you with affection.......be that sparkle in their eye...**** the others....good luck...rock on..hugs to ya....deb.

[Iguanna]

Being overweight was a "gift" for me cause I could get rid of shallow jerks way faster and easier than other girls. These guy who just care for the looks are a no-no to me, not because I'm not thin but because I find them superficial and I don't want to have anything to do with them, not even as friends. So the few men who have been interested in me in my life, I knew they didn't care for how much I weighted. Believe it or not, the biggest period in my life that I was single was 6 months, and it was something I actually chose in order to enjoy myself. I would prefer to be think, I won't lie, mostly for health issues. But I never saw this as an obstacle to find true love. My fiance is thinner than me and more good looking, but he is crazy about my body and he wouldn't want me to be otherwise. Being overweight helped me keep the superficial guys away. It's their loss anyway, cause other than being overweight, I consider myself being a great person.

 

Men in our society have LEARNT to like think women, they have grown up this way and they think that dating a big girl is embarrassing (like, "can't he find himself a think girl? she sucks, he just compromises for sex"). A song in my country says "we always talk for others, not for ourselves, we accuse and judge others cause it's easier this way". I sometimes catch the looks on people's faces in the street that wonder "what does he see in her? he could do better". But if you ask him, he thinks I'm a gift from God and he can't live without me, cause I love him, I care for him, I'm fair and good person, and that's what is important for him. People can say whatever they want. As someone said, I'm sure that if I was born in some asian country or 2 centuries ago, I would be a great catch now!

Edited January 28, 2014 by Iguanna

[JDPT]

I'm a pretty fit guy and I approached women of all shapes and sizes. I'm all about a nice conversation at first. I find myself having a nice interaction with "fat" or perhaps no so "desirable" women. I find them to be more animated and have much more to discuss. As opposed to a "hot" woman who already has this preconceived notion that if I say hello to her all I want is to get her in the sack faster then a rabbit. I've only been intimate with one big bones woman in my life. In bed she wanted to do all the work almost as if she had something to prove.

[salparadise]

Curvy does not mean overweight. I'm 118lbs and 'curvy'. Curvy is too often misused as meaning overweight.

 

Well, that's your personal definition. On the dating sites, curvy is used to describe a position on the continuum of thin to obese. The definition is determined by the women who select it to describe themselves, and I can tell you from personal experience that if a woman says she's curvy it means she's overweight. A woman who could stand to lose 50 lbs. will describe herself as curvy.

[kart180]

Curvy does not mean overweight. I'm 118lbs and 'curvy'. Curvy is too often misused as meaning overweight.

by 'curvy i mean from 100lb to 200lbs. That is not overweight. by overweight i mean anything over 500lbs.

[kart180]

I'm a pretty fit guy and I approached women of all shapes and sizes. I'm all about a nice conversation at first. I find myself having a nice interaction with "fat" or perhaps no so "desirable" women. I find them to be more animated and have much more to discuss. As opposed to a "hot" woman who already has this preconceived notion that if I say hello to her all I want is to get her in the sack faster then a rabbit. I've only been intimate with one big bones woman in my life. In bed she wanted to do all the work almost as if she had something to prove.

Great advice, I would love to approach women of all sizes but my problems are conversation starters. don't quite know how to break the ice.

[JDPT]

Great advice, I would love to approach women of all sizes but my problems are conversation starters. don't quite know how to break the ice.

 

 

 

Being spontaneous works, everyone and everything is an opportunity to "break the ice".

First you have to build up your confidence, and as they say there is no way to do it but to do it.

If perhaps building up the courage is an issue, we would have to address that first. You have to radiate confidence man, tell yourself you are the founder of your own million dollar company, you drive a Ferrari, have a house on the hills anything to make you feel as if you have the upper hand. Once you accomplish this, make a comment about something neutral, never start with a question, but always a simple comment for her to elaborate on and get the conversation going. Keep in mind that you have to carry on the conversation and improvise, don't talk too much as that's her thing to do. Build up enthusiasm and tension in the conversation get her interested in it. Again stay away from question, keep the conversation going, keep a nice and steady flow, and of course give yourself some time until you go in for the kill.

[kart180]

Being spontaneous works, everyone and everything is an opportunity to "break the ice".

First you have to build up your confidence, and as they say there is no way to do it but to do it.

If perhaps building up the courage is an issue, we would have to address that first. You have to radiate confidence man, tell yourself you are the founder of your own million dollar company, you drive a Ferrari, have a house on the hills anything to make you feel as if you have the upper hand. Once you accomplish this, make a comment about something neutral, never start with a question, but always a simple comment for her to elaborate on and get the conversation going. Keep in mind that you have to carry on the conversation and improvise, don't talk too much as that's her thing to do. Build up enthusiasm and tension in the conversation get her interested in it. Again stay away from question, keep the conversation going, keep a nice and steady flow, and of course give yourself some time until you go in for the kill.

 

Thanks for the very helpful advice, I would love to own a Jag XFR someday. I do have confidence when it comes to other stuff but like you said, I need to believe I can date women and take rejection in my stride. Whatever does not break makes me stronger. I can be a bit chatty but I do love to listen if the topic is interesting. I would try to start up a conversion about a weather (typical brit) or the latest tv shows. Im trying to find a women with some mormon live values (no smoking or drinking). Hope to volunteer or go to college for my PHd and see how that works out.

[JDPT]

Thanks for the very helpful advice, I would love to own a Jag XFR someday. I do have confidence when it comes to other stuff but like you said, I need to believe I can date women and take rejection in my stride. Whatever does not break makes me stronger. I can be a bit chatty but I do love to listen if the topic is interesting. I would try to start up a conversion about a weather (typical brit) or the latest tv shows. Im trying to find a women with some mormon live values (no smoking or drinking). Hope to volunteer or go to college for my PHd and see how that works out.

 

 

 

That's a good start. I personally don't like to impress women with tangible items. I rather put that aside and impress them in bed in order to have them coming back for more. Chicks dig confidence and perhaps a bit of cockiness. This is probably one of my most memorable nights. I friend of mind invited me to this club, he was meeting with some of his coworkers to have a few drinks. So I joined them but was bored, I wanted action. So I migrated to the dance floor, then the bar and somehow struck up a conversation with these two gorgeous chicks. Before I knew it we were playing some ridiculous game that I literally made up in 2 seconds. My price was, if I won they would buy me a drink, so I did and got my drink. I kept them both entertaining, nice conversation and at the end of the night I walked out with them, one on each side holding my arm. To make the long story short we ended up in one of their apartment and the night ended well to say the least. Chicks want someone out of the ordinary. Do you know how many times they get approached in one day by idiots and their stupid lines? none of those generic lines work, there is no such thing as a pick up line, all you have to do is be spontaneous, unique, and exciting, oh and make them laugh as well.