broke and single at 45...

[High_hopes]

Thanks in advance for reading this!

 

Ok. I'll try to do this with out giving my life story.

 

I've always had high expectations for myself. I find myself sitting here at 45 yrs old broke worried how I will pay my rent, a failing business and no girlfriend. I try not to let things bother me too much but I am continuously rolling deeper into the realm of no hope. I have no savings and no retirement.

 

I always felt different then my friends, always was a non conformist that never really felt at home in any group. I have social anxiety issues in the fact I often feel no one likes me and I am a bit of a loner.

 

That said, I am a good looking guy with friends. How I feel on the inside is a bit of a secret. I can have a ton of friends but I don't pursue friendships like I should and don't feel I am nearly the man I want to be. I want to be successful in many ways. I want to help people, I want to be active, respected and significant in my field. I gave up a good corporate job to start my own creative business in a very competitive dying field but I don't want to give up because I love it. I blew my retirement money on this a few yrs ago. However, I am really bad at networking because I am my own worst critic and I lack self esteem. It all comes down to my self esteem. I find that people don't have too much interest in me.

 

I want to be with someone but all my relationships fail. I see guys who are broke and or jobless that have girlfriends that stick by them, and a lot of friends.

 

The funny thing is that I know what needs to be done to improve my life and to make it better but I don't have the thirst and drive that is needed. I should say I do but I just don't put it in motion. Even as I type this Im thinking wtf am I doing here whining and wasting time... I should be pounding the pavement looking for clients and networking. I have rent to pay!

 

I want to start this new year like a new life and I'm looking for advise on how to do that.

Edited January 2, 2014 by High_hopes

[ponchsox]

The good news is you can make more money and find another woman.

[Ruby Slippers]

I run my own creative business, too, and December was a terrible month for new business. So now I'm busting my butt to bring in new business in the new year, and my goal for 2014 is to achieve true lift-off financially, so I can get past all the stress of the ups and downs of running a small business.

 

Sometimes I daydream about joining the corporate workforce, where I've had very lucrative offers before, so I can have more financial stability. Or doing something totally different, like going back to school to pursue a more lucrative and stable career.

 

I'm also not good at networking. I'm an introvert, and I'm constantly working. Networking is draining and time-consuming for me.

 

But I can tell you that I'd enjoy having a relationship with a guy in the same situation. I think it would be great to advise each other on our businesses and how we can grow them, and work hard to grow them together and a build a good and financially secure future.

 

I've had many offers from responsible, financially secure men to "take care of me" - but I won't be satisfied with a practical arrangement, or anything less than true love.

 

So you're not the only one in your situation

 

I work pretty much constantly, but when I'm feeling totally overwhelmed by the unending responsibility and pressure of running my own business, I take some down time, and always come back refreshed and ready to rumble again.

 

This is the Year of the Horse - time to charge ahead!

[High_hopes]

Ruby Slippers....

 

I was in the corporate world and I do miss the security. Particularly at times like this.

 

December and January are the toughest times for me. You say your busy, that's great. I am not busy at all. Thats the problem. I was doing great for a few months but not good enough to put me through these months.

 

I do freelance work and when I'm busy I'm busy all the time. Work comes in and I can be at it at night, the weekend or during the day but it doesn't equate to a lot of money.

 

I am very middle ground on all opinions and ideals concerning wealth, success, money and retirement. A big part of me is a free spirit that loves what I do, wants a different type of success and does not care if I live in a hut with no shoes and do it until im 100. The other part wants financially stability, retirement and some of the finer things in life.

 

I don't want to get off topic here though.........I have been searching for that drive, that motivation and that creative desire that I see others have and that I feel is in me but can't manifest and I want a women to want to spend time with me and get to know me.

[Mario79]

That drive to get things done. Wish there was some kind of pill for motivation. You do have a start you know you what you want and have identified what needs to be done. I am 34 and feel just stuck in rut.

 

But what you need is that will to go after it? I dont have my own business but have great respect for anyone willing to play a hand as an entrepreneur and be their own boss.

 

Sounds like what you need is to begin seeing small victories somewhere, to advance in one area, maybe the relationship, maybe emotional or maybe the business. Maybe learn something new. But I feel like small victories will get you motivated. Thats what I am trying to do.

[Ruby Slippers]

A big part of me is a free spirit that loves what I do, wants a different type of success and does not care if I live in a hut with no shoes and do it until im 100. The other part wants financially stability, retirement and some of the finer things in life.

Same here! But for me, I've figured out that love (with my man, for my work, for my life) is more important to my happiness than comfort. I've had many opportunities to be more comfortable in a relationship and in work, but at the expense of true love, passion, and purpose. I've never been able to sign on for that kind of deal.

 

I have been searching for that drive, that motivation and that creative desire that I see others have and that I feel is in me but can't manifest and I want a women to want to spend time with me and get to know me.

Motivation waxes and wanes for me as well. I've tried a lot of different things to keep me motivated, but it really all boils down to: Just do it. Don't feel like doing yet another boring finance report? Just do it. Don't feel like following up with the prospects and continuing the sales process? Just do it. Don't feel like getting dressed up and getting into extroverted mode for a big meeting? Just do it.

 

What I have found in my business is that when I push myself hard and put in the work, I always see results, pretty much immediately. As long as I... just do it

[High_hopes]

Thank you

 

I think I live my life in fear of judgement or failure but in doing so I'm failing.

 

It's funny. Even when I feel a tiny bit of success, when I'm working, active, etc...even if it's just getting by I feel good. I'm almost content and a have the feeling of this is all I need. As long as I'm paying my bills and making a few bucks Im happy. However, when things get bad I get depressed. The age factor sets in, the changing careers sets in, the financially worries set in.. it gets bad.

 

I am the biggest hypocrite. I'm the guy who tells people age is just a number just take care of yourself, just do what you love and you'll do it till you die, don't care what people think, don't look back, don't judge people, you need to hustle and do what needs to be done...on and on etc....etc...etc...etc...I tell people you need to manifest your inner self to be happy. Be nice to others..

 

Yet, other then the take care of yourself part I'm the opposite. It's all bull ****. Like I said, I know what needs to be done to be the person I want to be but I just don't do it. It's pretty pathetic.

 

I've been preaching for years yet am always searching, always with a need to manifest my inner self.

[Debanked]

A bit off topic bit I think it's false that the corporate world is more "secure." You are not in charge of your own destiny and can be let go at any time. Building your network and your business takes a lot of hard work and perseverance (re: sacrifice) but IMHO it's a much more secure path.

[High_hopes]

A bit off topic bit I think it's false that the corporate world is more "secure." You are not in charge of your own destiny and can be let go at any time. Building your network and your business takes a lot of hard work and perseverance (re: sacrifice) but IMHO it's a much more secure path.

 

Thanks. Not really off topic. Definitely relevant.

 

I think it depends on how much success you've had. I left a fairly decent job in banking. Pay was decent, benefits were good, pension was good. I had a lot of yrs n so I had a ton of vacation. I use to travel a lot. I wasn't happy though, Hated going to work and day dreamed about other things. I was a non conformist and hated being a number.

 

I left my job to do something totally different something creative. I cashed in my pension to start the business and learn the trade. I was searching for freedom, independence, self reliance. It's been a struggle. For six yrs i've lived mostly month to month and it's not because I can't do the job, it's because of all the things I've posted.

I had my best yr in 2013 and I still need to double my business in 2014! It's January and I haven't heard from s single client, have no jobs booked and am falling very behind on bills.

[HokeyReligions]

Its always hard to take ones own advice. I felt a lot like you - the drive was there. I saw it. I even felt it. I wanted it so bad. But I just COULD NOT make myself take the steps I knew I needed to achieve. I once said to someone else and I still feel the same way. We are living on the fringes of our lives.

 

I don't have a solution for you. I will tell you that the older you get the more you are slapped in the face with reality. Health issues - no matter how healthy and fit you are now - can happen. People DO slow down as they age. Its not easy to accept.

 

Hubby and I started a business in 2000 and I just could not muster enough drive to override my fear of failure. I went back to the corporate world. Hubby was disabled and we purposely kept the business small after a while. But before we made that choice we could have really launched the business so that we could sell it one day and retire. One reason we didn't was hubbys self esteem. He still loves

what he does and this has been his busiest season since we started.

But, and here's the irony, his self worth and self esteem has held him

back his whole life. He was never afraid to try new things but he was

terrified to succeed. On the brink of success he would sabotage

himself without realiszing it. That fed the bad self esteem. Now he's

still recovering from four strokes and major surgery in one year. We

know he may not live much longer. He's physically weak. Can't walk

well. Takes so many drugs that are keeping him alive now but are

destroying his liver and kidneys. NOW he's getting busier. He has so

much new and repeat business that he has to turn it down. All we

need to do is incorporate and hire one designer on a part time contract

basis and we would be in our own office suite by this time next year with a full time employee.

 

Kicking that inner drive into action is the sticking point. If its your self esteem. Maybe depression or fear that is holding you back maybe some counseling to help you step back and get some perspective will be helpful.

 

Meantime keep setting small achievable goals that stand alone then set small achievable goals that are part of your larger plan for either your business or for your personal life. Dont try to do too much because of your age. This is where I think an outside person like a counselor might help.

 

Good luck to you.

[HokeyReligions]

Sorry about the weird spacing. I cant "like" or use smilies and sometimes if my text is more than one paragraph I can only see it when I hit the return.

[High_hopes]

In addition to everything I said, To get the even bigger picture it is. I had to moved in with my mother a yr and a half ago because I was drowning financially. Hurricane Sandy hit shorty after when I was going to move out and I was stranded with no place to go. I finally was able to get a place last spring but the move completely drained me financially again because I had to start from scratch. I lost a lot of stuff in the storm. One set back after another.

[High_hopes]

I'm jealous as I do not know exactly what needs to be done to advance my life relationships. Could you elaborate on what you would do if you had the motivation?

 

Well, for starters I wouldn't be here on this forum. I'd be out working. Either trying to drum up work or working on my own personal projects which is important to do when you want to be creative. Most creative people I know are always tinkering or playing with personal projects.

 

it's the relationship with myself that needs improving. I'd manifest all my creative thoughts. All my ideas. I'd just do...Get up, walk out the door and do the things I want to do and be the person I want to be. Sounds simple.

[High_hopes]

I woke up today feeling like the clock is ticking. First week of January over and I can't contact my clients and I have no work booked. I'm falling behind more and more every second.

Instead of getting motivated I'm getting depressed.

[mrs rubble]

How about assuming an attitude of gratitude?

Take time each day to recognize and be greatful for the good things.

i.e- Your health! Your brain seems to be functioning well too.

You have at least one family member who is supportive of you.

Sometimes when you focus on all there is to be greatful for, the disappointments seem less important.

Also yoga is great for overall well-being, take a class and try it!

[High_hopes]

How about assuming an attitude of gratitude?

Take time each day to recognize and be greatful for the good things.

i.e- Your health! Your brain seems to be functioning well too.

You have at least one family member who is supportive of you.

Sometimes when you focus on all there is to be greatful for, the disappointments seem less important.

Also yoga is great for overall well-being, take a class and try it!

 

The things I have to be grateful for aren't going to pay the bills, get me a good women or double my business. Yes, I understand it starts with confidence and an optimistic outlook but simply thinking about what I do have that others don't, which isn't much btw, isn't going to cut it.

[FitChick]

You haven't heard from a client all month? It's only the first week in January! A lot of people haven't come back from Christmas vacation or are getting things organized for 2014. Early days yet!

[High_hopes]

You haven't heard from a client all month? It's only the first week in January! A lot of people haven't come back from Christmas vacation or are getting things organized for 2014. Early days yet!

 

 

My business is slow in December and January so that means that December was dead and now this month is dead too. I am not in a position to get through this. I'd normally see light at the end of this dark tunnel because I'd have contact from people, have jobs on the books and outstanding payments coming in.

 

I'm just looking for motivation and some good luck right now. I've been trying to do what I love for 6 years and I've been discourage. I can't find motivation to manifest my own creative visions. To do my own projects, to get more work, etc...

[Elias33]

How about assuming an attitude of gratitude?

Take time each day to recognize and be greatful for the good things.

i.e- Your health! Your brain seems to be functioning well too.

You have at least one family member who is supportive of you.

Sometimes when you focus on all there is to be greatful for, the disappointments seem less important.

Also yoga is great for overall well-being, take a class and try it!

 

This is sound advice.

 

As realist you want to say that these things don't pay the bills, etc. But it's about a switch you need to make from within that can kick start your drive, passion, and the fight you have left in you. Seek hope in places you don't expect, you have tried the realistic route haven't you? And did that work?

 

With a focus and emphasis on positivity you can stop the down spiraling depression that hangs over you. It's not about becoming passive, but about becoming passionate.

 

Also, stop labeling yourself. Claiming to be a loner (even if true) will not help you to increase social interaction. If you gain positivity, gratitude, and self confidence, you may attract a nice lady who find you inspiring, who likes to hear you talk, etc.

 

You have more things going for yourself than you can realize. It takes others to point that out. I have totally been there.

[High_hopes]

This is sound advice.

 

As realist you want to say that these things don't pay the bills, etc. But it's about a switch you need to make from within that can kick start your drive, passion, and the fight you have left in you. Seek hope in places you don't expect, you have tried the realistic route haven't you? And did that work?

 

With a focus and emphasis on positivity you can stop the down spiraling depression that hangs over you. It's not about becoming passive, but about becoming passionate.

 

Also, stop labeling yourself. Claiming to be a loner (even if true) will not help you to increase social interaction. If you gain positivity, gratitude, and self confidence, you may attract a nice lady who find you inspiring, who likes to hear you talk, etc.

 

You have more things going for yourself than you can realize. It takes others to point that out. I have totally been there.

 

Thank you. I appreciate all the feedback. I feel like I've been stuck for years then when things get tough I go even deeper into a rut. I've always been a survivor but I'm tired of just surviving.

 

First, I had a great job and a little money but I hated my life for many yrs. Now I love my life but have no money. I sit in my little basement apartment at 45 with a struggling business, no girlfriend, and a dwindling amount of friends. I work in a business where certain contacts are huge but I haven't made many in 6yrs. I see people ultra motivated and who hussle their asses off. I rarely get like that. It's something not in me that I wish was.

 

How many of you women would be with a guy who is passionate about what he does but isn't very successful? So many women say that they would but in the end, over time you want someone successful and stable financially. It's happened to me a few times. They see my passion, love my company but end up saying its not enough.

 

I've had this desire to be a certain type of person for as long as I can remember. I'm not even close and I'm not sure i've ever done anything to manifest him like I keep saying I want to.

[pinkie]

You have a fear of success. Otherwise you would just do what needs to be done and get out of your head.

 

I can promise you, a woman in your life right now is not going to make anything better. A relationship would just add to your stress. It might lift your depression during the 'honeymoon' phase, but then it would just be another headache.

 

You need to handle your business 1st. Be selfish, get out there and get that paper! Write out a plan: daily goals, make the phone calls, pound the pavement... don't overwhelm yourself and pick a number of how many contacts in a day you want to make. Do this EVERYDAY! Tally it all up at the end of the week. The next week, increase that number by 10.

 

Your phone will eventually be ringing off the hook! Now get busy!!!!

[High_hopes]

You have a fear of success. Otherwise you would just do what needs to be done and get out of your head.

 

 

 

I don't think it's a fear of success as much as it is a fear of failure.

 

By that I mean I think I am sometimes fearful that a single job I do for someone or myself will come out really bad and I'm afraid of being judged or looking bad. I can be my own worst critic.

 

I recently did a favor for my gym. A lot of people were going to see the results. I hated it. I thought it came out horrible and even though the overall feeling was that most people liked the results I still wasn't happy or convinced.

[pinkie]

Then I don't really understand why you're in this line of work....

[High_hopes]

Then I don't really understand why you're in this line of work....

 

Sorry but I don't understand why you say that...their must be a point.

 

I love what I do. I don't see where my lack of confidence or fear of failure has to do with not doing something I enjoy. Doesn't the challenge here lie in finding confidence? Not in...do something else.

Edited January 8, 2014 by High_hopes

[pinkie]

Yes. Yes it does!

 

So look at it this way... You've been in this for 6 years... You've struggled, you can barely pay your bills and you have social anxiety (somewhat) and a fear of failure. Right?

 

So now what's the alternative? Switch the baseball cap around and make a move to do/be the opposite. Because obviously what you've been doing has only worked to a point. So re-create 'yourself'. Be who you want to be in another persona. It may make it easier for you to do that, than put so much pressure on yourself to perform. Just pretend to be the guy you envision.

 

I hope this is helping not hurting. I've been in sales, I know how tough it can be out there. I helped out with a startup and it can be really mind numbing if you let it. But there are work arounds, especially in the creative fields... especially when it's YOURS! Just gotta think outside the box sometimes to find the motivation and dig down deep and figure out what you want out of it.