Seaside104 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 This is my first post ever in an online forum. I guess I'm feeling pretty darn desperate for some objective advise in this seemingly impossible situation that I've allowed myself to be a part of. My story: I met the love of my life in July of '10. He contacted me on fb. We had gone to the same hs but weren't friends. He was living separately from his w at the time, and had been in a very rocky m for 17 yrs. She had cheated on several occasions and also became a groupie for some third-band, humiliating her h and thoroughly embarrassing their teenaged son - small town. He and I had an instant connection through texting and talking on the phone. We live 4 hrs apart. We met in person abt 2 months later. It was magical. It was like a scene from a movie. The chemistry was instantaneous. I'd never felt that way about another person before, and I have had several serious relationship including a past marriage. He claimed to feel the same way about me. It was heaven for 6 months. Well, except for the distance. We saw each other once a month for usually a long wkend, and it was always pretty much perfect. We got to know each other as well as two people can in that situation. We realized how much we had in common and how absolutely compatible we were. BUT, at some point during those six months, he moved back to the house, he said for his son. He said physically and emotionally he and his w were still miles apart. A couple months later, she moved out. She was gone for over two yrs. In those two yrs, he and I had our ups and downs. I would get tired of waiting and end it to start dating someone else, even though my heart was always with him. He'd say he understood why I was trying to move on and supported that, which broke my heart hearing him say that....but then he'd start texting and calling which gave me hope. I will say that none of the men I have dated during this time were people that I would have ended up with long-term anyway. Not that I knew that going into it. So, we both ended it on several occasions for different reasons, his main one would be that he couldn't do this to me anymore until he finally made up his mind abt his m. But, we couldn't stay away from each other for long. Last April I was more hopeful than ever that he was getting very close to making the decision to divorce and move here with what he was saying to me. I also have children who think the world of him, and he claims to love them, too. Then, the day after a conversation that had me on cloud nine, he completely and totally devastated me by telling me he was going to reconcile with his w because his son asked him to. Never really believed that. We had nc for maybe 3 wks except for the occasional short, angry txt from me which he'd always send an "I'm sorry" back. Then, at three weeks, he started contacting me in friendly ways that quickly got flirtatious. To be honest, I thought I was responding because I got a rush out of feeling like I was sticking it to the w, but I was being weak. I still wanted him. After maybe a month of this, I finally told him that I couldn't do it anymore, and while he was still married to her, I couldn't have a relationship on any level with him. We had NC for a little over three months. Then it started again. He began telling me how unhappy he was; how they weren't getting along. Duh. How much he wanted me, missed me, and wanted to see me. But that he couldn't do it NOW. I fell right back into it. All the texting, the phone calls, trying to figure out a way to see each other....I KNOW I should walk away. I have NEVER been a weak person in any other situation in my LIFE! This is why my family and friends can't understand how I can let this go on. I can't get this man out of my heart. It's torture knowing he's with her and not me. How do I find the strength to move on from this??? Why am I allowing myself to remain an option?? Why am I letting him use me to get through his miserable time with her??? Link to post Share on other sites
soundsfamilar Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 i'm very sorry you're in pain. your scenario actually scares me, b/c i could see it happen to me. so i try my best to stomp on the feelings i have for MM, in hopes that IF he ever shows up again, i can remain strong. or better: be indifferent! *wishing* what bothers me most about your story is the fact that he had moved out already… then moved back in. the whole moving back and forth (on the decision) sounds like a classic split-self affair, but once it goes as far as actual, physical separation, i think it's very telling that he actually went back. it may be for the kids, or the reputation, or the fact that he simply can't be the "bad guy", but what difference does it make to you? he still chooses to live with her, multiple times now. that indecision alone is unattractive at some point. seriously, what kind of a p***y does this sort of thing? think about that. that said, i really do feel your pain, i just hope your pride and self-respect will come back full force and you can see him for what he is whenever you have the urge to contact him: a weak, confused, selfish man, who cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 That situation sucks and if it's as you wrote, I don't like him! Sabotage this so that there can be no rekindling. He had every chance in the world to be try to you but instead he used you to stroke his ego. You will never forgive him and he won't change. Give up hope of one day and find a way to burn this bridge just to protect yourself. You don't need to feel this way anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seaside104 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 That situation sucks and if it's as you wrote, I don't like him! Sabotage this so that there can be no rekindling. He had every chance in the world to be try to you but instead he used you to stroke his ego. You will never forgive him and he won't change. Give up hope of one day and find a way to burn this bridge just to protect yourself. You don't need to feel this way anymore. Thank you all for the feedback. I can't disagree with what anyone has said. I've also wondered often if he's really as miserable as he's claiming to be, ShiningAutumn8. And, you're right. I have never completely blocked him. I stupidly have held out hoping that message will finally come across that he's decided to leave her, permanently. Soundsfamiliar, you hit the nail on the head in your description of him. And why would I want a man like that in my life?? I need to try to focus on that and NOT what I think I want. I sincerely hope the best for you, too. Oldspiceywolf, believe me, I do speak only the truth, and no one close to the situation likes him. They feel he's using me in the way you said and is taking advantage of my deep feelings for him. I'm searching for that strength to finally walk away for good, or at least until he's divorced, if that ever happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Simply remind yourself of his actions, they trump the words, and they should trump your feelings. Allow yourself to feel but remind yourself of what has happened. It works for me, because once you see that you were NOT the first choice, but merely a distraction, then it's easier to let go and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seaside104 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Word of caution - IF he separates, that wouldnt be good enough for me. In his case, given his history, Id need an actual filed divorce. I agree that even if they do separate AGAIN, I can't believe that it will lead to anything permanent. They would have to get a divorce. My biggest problem right now is that I have allowed myself to be sucked back into communicating with him, and as much I know I shouldn't, I'm not stopping it. It's easy to say I know that's what I need to do. It's taking that step and doing it that's the ridiculously hard part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seaside104 Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 Simply remind yourself of his actions, they trump the words, and they should trump your feelings. Allow yourself to feel but remind yourself of what has happened. It works for me, because once you see that you were NOT the first choice, but merely a distraction, then it's easier to let go and move on. Thank you for that. It's the old "actions speak louder than words" but how true and so important to focus on. And, I deserve to be someone's first choice. To take second place (if that) to a person like her, what a slap in the face! He's telling me through his actions that he'd rather be with a person who has lied, cheated, and abandoned him and his son to peruse her "interests." Thank you again for your words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Thank you for that. It's the old "actions speak louder than words" but how true and so important to focus on. And, I deserve to be someone's first choice. To take second place (if that) to a person like her, what a slap in the face! He's telling me through his actions that he'd rather be with a person who has lied, cheated, and abandoned him and his son to peruse her "interests." Thank you again for your words. Sounds like he has issues of his own if he is making that choice. It's better to not be involved with him until he figures that out. If he ever does that is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soundsfamilar Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Last April I was more hopeful than ever that he was getting very close to making the decision to divorce and move here with what he was saying to me. I also have children who think the world of him, and he claims to love them, too. Then, the day after a conversation that had me on cloud nine, he completely and totally devastated me by telling me he was going to reconcile with his w because his son asked him to. i was on the very same roller coaster… cloud nine followed by devastation. it speaks volumes about how much these kinds of MM only think about themselves... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seaside104 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 i was on the very same roller coaster… cloud nine followed by devastation. it speaks volumes about how much these kinds of MM only think about themselves... That's exactly what we have to keep in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
MatchStick Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Hi Seaside, I just walked away from my first EMR, and much about your story sounds very familiar. What I didn't like about my situation was the "cloud nine followed by devastation". There was actually no need for it. After 2.5 years, of mostly friendship, my xMM tells me he is just nuts about me, like two days in a row. Next day, his wife catches on we are a bit more than friends, has a hissy and drags him off to a three day marital counseling thing. He said he's skeptical things will be resolved, and will be thinking of me. Gets back from this 3-dayer, and he's a changed and enlightened man. He is going to try to get it together with his W. (They have been married 28 years........20 ended in sever conflict but stayed for sake of a child, 8 have been spent passionless and in turmoil.) I've never experienced such a Dr Jekyl Mr Hyde, and I DO NOT like it. And then, to top it, he'll be in my area in March, and in response to my self-proclaimed action of moving on, said "In March, why don't we go for a cup of coffee?' Painful and horrible as it is, I've illicted the NC. It's hard, but when I write down and look at the bumps, lumps, and the unhealthy parts, it gets easier. I doubt he'll ever contact me again because I told him if he ever tried to hold my hand or more, I'd contact his wife immediately. He writes to me 'love notes' they get forwarded to his wife. I'm sad to be at a point whereby I feel I have to threaten him like that, but it tells me the R is really, really over. It teaches me I want a more respectful relationship. I don't want to have to keep beating someone back. I don't want to be with someone who says "I love you one day" and four days later says "I'm going to committ to someone else......and BTW, are you free for coffee in about three months?" What other kind of crap is he peddling? This guy was also complaining about his wife, and it the 2.5 years I knew him, never once did he approach her and say, "Hey, this is what I need or else we need to separate." He told me of some mean things she said, and when I asked if he would be OK, he said, "I'm a survivor." It's like he would do anything not to separate or be alone. I think, for my xMM, its not about who he wants to be with but about not being without, period. On the site, "The Other Woman", TOW, there is the Pink forum, and I found so many great and supportive ideas helping OW to move on and get a much better life for themselves. I was only lightly involved with my xMM, and yet, I learned a lot just by reading the forums.........and why and how to stick to my resolve of No Contact. Here's a question I picked up: what would change if you contacted him? What would REALLY change? Good Luck!!! The best is yet ahead!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seaside104 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 Good luck to you too. I sincerely hope you've moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
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