ctxinfl Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I started a thread about a month ago (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/445189-wife-isn-t-happy-i-hang-out-friends) asking for advice in how to deal with marriage and friendships. Well, things have changed a bit. A couple of days ago I found some erotica (95% lesbian) on my wife's Kindle. No big deal really. But my curiosity grabbed ahold of me and so I began to snoop around. I quickly found an advertisement she posted on craigslist looking for a bi/lesbian (not really sure how to call this) relationship. I've since done some more fishing and found out that my wife carried on a two year affair with another woman starting about three years ago. I'm going to confront her tonight I think. I believe I'm just going to put out the printed copies of the evidence on the table and simply ask her to explain. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, man, woman, cheating is cheating. You can still get an STD. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I wouldnt demand an explanation, I would ask to know who she is In a polite and curious manner. Ask her not to cry and just tell you the truth about how she feels and how she got here, then ask her what she wants. Make your decisions after that but you have doozie in your lap! Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Man, this is really sad for you. Infidelity is infidelity no matter who the recipient is or their gender. Engaging in sexual exploration inside of a marriage with another partner is not okay if it has not been discussed and agreed on. Looking for sexual encounters on Craigslist is cheating and very deceitful. I can't imagine what is going through your head with this but please try to find someone like a spiritual advisor or mentor to talk to. You shouldn't have to deal with this alone. Good luck, Grumps 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 There is no difference with her cheating with a woman for 2 years behind your back putting you at risk for STD's than if she was cheating with a man for 2 years putting you at risk for STD's. She has made a mockery of your marriage and your relationship and has played you for a fool. I would suggest: 1. See an attorney immediately to understand your options 2. Get checked immediately for STD's. She was trolling for hookups on Craig's list which is as low as you can go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 A few things you need to know going into this. See a lawyer first before confronting so you know your rights and she can't bs you. Second, know that this was not your fault, nor the fault of the marriage. DO NOT take any responsibility for the choices that she has made here. This is who she is. And she chose to not be up front with you about it. More than likely she cannot be open with even herself about it. Be very secure in the knowledge that you didn't cause this. Ask her where she wants to go from here. Anything less than full remorse on her part should have you filing D papers. This is why I say see a lawyer first. So that she cannot bs you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctxinfl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 I spoke with an attorney last year after she asked for a divorce (the second time she asked in three or four months). We spoke about my rights, alimony, child care, etc. I think I have a pretty good idea of the situation, legally at least. Unfortunately this is a situation I knew would occur sooner rather than later, so I've been preparing. I didn't think it would come to a head this way, though (cheating that is...much less with another woman). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 It sounds like you are on top of things. Good luck and time to protect yourself in all things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlametheIrish Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I spoke with an attorney last year after she asked for a divorce (the second time she asked in three or four months). We spoke about my rights, alimony, child care, etc. I think I have a pretty good idea of the situation, legally at least. Unfortunately this is a situation I knew would occur sooner rather than later, so I've been preparing. I didn't think it would come to a head this way, though (cheating that is...much less with another woman). Hopefully ypur state is one of those who laugh at cheaters seeking alimony. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 You need to have a plan beyond seeing what she says. Does it matter what she says? She's been cheating for years. What are you going to do about it? What purpose does the confrontation serve? Perhaps you should just let the sheriffs confront her with the divorce papers (and a request for her to move out). If you want to be nice, pack her bags for her and drop them off with the OW. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctxinfl Posted January 2, 2014 Author Share Posted January 2, 2014 I don't think it matters what she says. I'm pretty set on divorce at this point. I've dealt with enough anguish in this marriage as it is. These affairs only add to it. The situation is a bit complicated. She has no job. We have a young daughter. She has no ability to provide for herself or our daughter, at least at the present. I'm fairly certain she could get a decent job rather quickly, though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I don't think it matters what she says. I'm pretty set on divorce at this point. I've dealt with enough anguish in this marriage as it is. These affairs only add to it. The situation is a bit complicated. She has no job. We have a young daughter. She has no ability to provide for herself or our daughter, at least at the present. I'm fairly certain she could get a decent job rather quickly, though. Maybe strongly encourage her to get a job. Then drop the D-Ball on her. That's pretty manipulative though. Pragmatic vs. integrity Hmm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I've since done some more fishing and found out that my wife carried on a two year affair with another woman starting about three years ago. I spoke with an attorney last year after she asked for a divorce (the second time she asked in three or four months). I've dealt with enough anguish in this marriage as it is. These affairs only add to it. The timing of the affair, and her asking for a divorce, indicates that the affair did more than just add to the anguish, but was in fact the reason that you had these issues in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctxinfl Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 I expect to have the talk with my wife in about an hour when our daughter goes to bed. During my underhanded investigation I learned she doesn't think I'd really care about the affairs so long as I know that she loves me more. Do people really believe this stuff?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctxinfl Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 The timing of the affair, and her asking for a divorce, indicates that the affair did more than just add to the anguish, but was in fact the reason that you had these issues in the first place. You are correct. I had a suspicion that something was going on a while back, though I thought it was with a guy. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I expect to have the talk with my wife in about an hour when our daughter goes to bed. During my underhanded investigation I learned she doesn't think I'd really care about the affairs so long as I know that she loves me more. Do people really believe this stuff?? The love angle doesn't seem to bother most BH's as much as the sex. What's really important here is what bothers you. Are you ok sharing sex with your wife with a woman? A man? That's the only question right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctxinfl Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm not OK with her going back my back. I'm not OK with her telling me multiple times over several years that she doesn't trust me only to learn it is her that can't be trusted. I'm not OK with her asking for divorce twice in the last couple of years. I'm not OK with her NEVER initiating sex with me, though she has the drive to post an advertisement for sex on the Internet for all the world to see. If we hadn't been through all of our other issues then I might be inclined to make an attempt to work through this. But given everything else I don't think I can. I doubt I can ever really trust her again. Also, in my investigation she admitted she feels more attracted to women than men....so why is she married to me other than the fact that I provide for her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm not OK with her going back my back. I'm not OK with her telling me multiple times over several years that she doesn't trust me only to learn it is her that can't be trusted. I'm not OK with her asking for divorce twice in the last couple of years. I'm not OK with her NEVER initiating sex with me, though she has the drive to post an advertisement for sex on the Internet for all the world to see. If we hadn't been through all of our other issues then I might be inclined to make an attempt to work through this. But given everything else I don't think I can. I doubt I can ever really trust her again. Also, in my investigation she admitted she feels more attracted to women than men....so why is she married to me other than the fact that I provide for her? This really sounds like an "exit affair" as in your wife wants out and hopes the affair will kill your marriage once and for all. If your wife has discovered that she is a lesbian then staying married to you has to be unfulfilling for her as well as you. Tell her that you need to know the truth about her sexuality as that is an important factor as you contemplate whether to reconcile or not. Beyond that I have nothing to offer as this is such a unique situation. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Pushing her to get a job should be a priority after making sure you have protected your children and your finances. It will cost you serious money if you are her only financial support, listen to your lawyer on that issue. What happens if she leaves you for her lesbian lover, are you prepared as to how you will explain mommies new family arrangement to your children? Get help from a professional with that issue because it will influence your children as to what normal is. I do not mean to offend anyone if that is your lifestyle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 During my underhanded investigation I learned she doesn't think I'd really care about the affairs so long as I know that she loves me more. Do people really believe this stuff?? And asking you for a divorce 2 times is suppose to let you "know that she loves" you more how exactly? Her cheater's logic does not make sense even if you did beleive this crazy stuff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 in my investigation she admitted she feels more attracted to women than men....so why is she married to me other than the fact that I provide for her? Can you say meal ticket. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctxinfl Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm going to be immature and mention that this could work out in your favor if it's just a sexual thing. If it's real lifestyle/relationship and you think for a minute she is going to leave you then yeah get a lawyer. I talked to my best friend when I found out what was going on. He suggested the same. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 If it was me, I would let her know everything and also tell her to find an attorney on Craig's List. I would also hand her the want ad's section of the newspaper and tell her she better find a job real quick and then hand her the section for apartments for rent. No need to ask her to explain herself. You already know. Then I would hand her the suitcases and tell her to go live with her lover or go home to her parents ALONE. Judging by what you have said, I have no doubt that she's going to make it your fault for her infidelity. If she does, stop her in her tracks and give her no wiggle room to find a way out. Face it friend, she's been checked out of your marriage for a while and you are her security blanket. With that said, let her know that the blanket is now gone and baby it's cold outside. This was her decision to have the affair and lie her way through it and now she has to pay for her stabbing you in the back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctxinfl Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 It's done. Went well I think. We still have a lot to talk about, but it is late and we're both tired. She does know we're getting divorced at the very least. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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