Am I being unreasonable? Haven't seen him for two weeks?

[SarahB100]

I have been dating someone for two months, we became official over a month ago. It has gone perfectly so far, pretty much. He is in his final year at uni and is two years younger than me.

 

He used to get around quite a bit and has racked up quite a number, but from the day we first kissed he has stopped that behaviour. He has come round to mine frequently, he first brought up exclusivity, wanted me to meet his friends and family and he has told me he has lost interest in other girls completely.

 

I don't doubt that he has feelings for me, I trust him etc. we get on so well, we are compatible and so similar in many aspects.

 

There is one major problem; he wants to go travelling on the other side of the world for a year with his best friend, after he graduates.

 

I knew this before we started dating, but I didn't realise it would become a massive issue because I didn't realise how quickly I would develop these feelings for him. This has never happened to me before and I think I am falling in love with him.

 

I have brought it up before and he has said we will see where we are when the time comes.

 

Thing is, that feels very vague to me. He has said previously (jokingly) he didn't think he could go longer than a month without sex, which makes me think he can't want to do LD. I also mentioned casually we would be breaking up in several months and he asked me not to mention it because it would upset him - he made no mention of long distance.

 

We have been apart for two weeks with our families for christmas, and it has brought this to the front of my mind even more because I have missed him so much. I don't think I could do this for a year. He was also supposed to be booking his flights over the holidays, though he hasn't mentioned to me he has done this.

 

I don't want to pressurise/guilt him in any way. I absolutely would not want him to stay with me out of a sense of guilt or obligation. I would only want him to do it because he has weighed the options and has decided he is happier with me.

 

But I don't know how to bring this up. It upsets me so much our time together is so limited when I'm happier with him than I have been with anyone. It's been two and a half years since I broke up with my previous boyfriend and for the first time in my life I feel ready to consider a long term relationship.

 

Am I expecting too much from him, wanting the possibility of this going further than just a few months together?

 

At this point I am thinking I should break up with him now, rather than wait and become even more emotionally involved and therefore even more heartbroken when he leaves. It's like having a dark cloud over me.

 

It doesn't help I can't gauge what he wants from our relationship - since his ex (also broke up two and a half years ago) he has not introduced a girlfriend to his friends or family but has wanted me to meet his since day one pretty much. He wants us to go on a mini break, he says he sees me more than his housemates do etc. But then he does things such as, we haven't seen each other for over two weeks now. He is coming back home but has agreed to play a rugby game for his team, THEN see me, which makes me feel that I am not a priority to him.

 

Sorry for the lengthy topic, I am just very overwhelmed by this situation and by my feelings for him.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have been dating someone for two months, we became official over a month ago. It has gone perfectly so far, pretty much. He is in his final year at uni and is two years younger than me.

 

He used to get around quite a bit and has racked up quite a number, but from the day we first kissed he has stopped that behaviour. He has come round to mine frequently, he first brought up exclusivity, wanted me to meet his friends and family and he has told me he has lost interest in other girls completely.

 

I don't doubt that he has feelings for me, I trust him etc. we get on so well, we are compatible and so similar in many aspects.

 

There is one major problem; he wants to go travelling on the other side of the world for a year with his best friend, after he graduates.

 

I knew this before we started dating, but I didn't realise it would become a massive issue because I didn't realise how quickly I would develop these feelings for him. This has never happened to me before and I think I am falling in love with him.

 

I have brought it up before and he has said we will see where we are when the time comes.

 

Thing is, that feels very vague to me. He has said previously (jokingly) he didn't think he could go longer than a month without sex, which makes me think he can't want to do LD. I also mentioned casually we would be breaking up in several months and he asked me not to mention it because it would upset him - he made no mention of long distance.

 

We have been apart for two weeks with our families for christmas, and it has brought this to the front of my mind even more because I have missed him so much. I don't think I could do this for a year. He was also supposed to be booking his flights over the holidays, though he hasn't mentioned to me he has done this.

 

I don't want to pressurise/guilt him in any way. I absolutely would not want him to stay with me out of a sense of guilt or obligation. I would only want him to do it because he has weighed the options and has decided he is happier with me.

 

But I don't know how to bring this up. It upsets me so much our time together is so limited when I'm happier with him than I have been with anyone. It's been two and a half years since I broke up with my previous boyfriend and for the first time in my life I feel ready to consider a long term relationship.

 

Am I expecting too much from him, wanting the possibility of this going further than just a few months together?

 

At this point I am thinking I should break up with him now, rather than wait and become even more emotionally involved and therefore even more heartbroken when he leaves. It's like having a dark cloud over me.

 

It doesn't help I can't gauge what he wants from our relationship - since his ex (also broke up two and a half years ago) he has not introduced a girlfriend to his friends or family but has wanted me to meet his since day one pretty much. He wants us to go on a mini break, he says he sees me more than his housemates do etc. But then he does things such as, we haven't seen each other for over two weeks now. He is coming back home but has agreed to play a rugby game for his team, THEN see me, which makes me feel that I am not a priority to him.

 

Sorry for the lengthy topic, I am just very overwhelmed by this situation and by my feelings for him.

 

What does he mean by this, exactly? If he means to separate for a short time, then it doesn't look promising for your relationship regardless of what his travel plans are. Needing a break after just a couple months is not a good sign.

 

You need to communicate very honestly with him and clear up what you both want from this relationship. I think in some senses you might be expecting too much given he's only dated you a short time but has likely had plans with his friends for a long time. He needs to make his intentions clear to you. Has he indicated that he might change his travel plans to be with you? If not, then I think it's safe to say that he is indeed going to be away for a long time.

 

Maintaining a long-distance relationship for an entire year is hard work, especially when the relationship is so young. When does he plan to leave? Also, he's going on the adventure of a lifetime. A lot of people would find it hard to stay committed. Ask yourself if you're really prepared to face that - and ask him the same question.

[SarahB100]

Mini-break as in a holiday somewhere!

[ExpatInItaly]

Mini-break as in a holiday somewhere!

 

Ah, my mistake.

 

But the remainder of my thoughts/advice/questions still stands. You need to talk to him soon.

[Leigh 87]

I am a romantic, so this is MY perspective on love and its relevance to your situation.

 

I am not meaning to be rude or undermine his feelings for you, but here is how I see it...

 

He likes you a lot, he may be really into you, however; he is not head over heels in love with you.

 

By 2 months, most men who are IN love and have found THE ONE, know it, by the 2 month mark.

 

In my view, men OR women who find the "one", that person they are absolutely NUTS about; they DO NOT leave them, or let them go. NOT unless their love turns into a drug abuser or something worse...

 

This guy obviously really likes you! He seems to really like YOU more than he did all his other conquests who he slept around with.

It seems like he has a lot of experience with women, yet YOU were the one he felt the most for; hence why he stopped his casual encounters and ONS with other women... for you.

 

 

 

In summary: he could like you a hell of a lot, but he is not IN love with you, or crazy enough about you to postpone his trip.

 

 

 

I DO think it is not just HIM; I believe there is a girl out there who he would absolutely change his travel plans for.

 

It's not you; you're not that girl for him. That DOES NOT mean he just doesn't like you that much. I am sure he DOES really have feelings for you!

 

 

 

 

I am sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear. I simply believe in the true, fairy tale sort of "love", where you find "that person" who you fall wayyyyyy to hard for to just LEAVE; you wouldn't travel for elongated periods of time when with them.

[Leigh 87]

There ARE exceptions, in my opinion, to my "true love" theory:

 

 

.....If the guy in question is relatively young, say early 20's or younger.

In that case, yes, he needs to travel the world and get the single life out of his system.

I believe young guys can very well let go of the love of their lives only to come to regret it later on.

So..when he goes (and he will go, know that), if you ARE truly "the one" for him, he will realise it later on.

 

 

Another thing I want you to consider is that there are different variations of love. Some people meet, are not all that into each other for a while, but rather GROW to love each other over a period of months.

 

Then there are those who fall hard for each other from date one, and fall head over heels in love rather fast, in a matter of weeks or a month or two tops.

 

Personally, I seek out partners who fall for me from date one, and who feel that "it factor" with me; they tend to fall in love fast and view you as "the one" who they cannot let get away.

With this kind of love, you don't "need" months to figure out whether or not you're "in love" yet.

 

I am seeking out the sort of love that is all consuming, where neither of the two parties involved could leave each other.

 

 

 

 

I urge you to think about the kind of love you are after.

[ponchsox]

There is a BIG difference between going on a trip for a while and a mini break. Sounds to me like he wants to pursue other women. I cold be wrong, though.