Give Yourself a Second Chance

[KaiaMahina]

Given the fact that the @$!%@ holidays are over, and that it seems as though many of us (like drjones, mischafan and widdle ol me) are finding potential avenues to alternate happiness without the ex, I thought a new thread was in order.

 

I started here on the Breaking Up forum, and moved here to Coping, and occasionally make a recon mission to Second Chances. You know, just to see how the other half lives. However, each time I visit there, I find myself puzzled and disappointed. Why? Because those who have supposedly been given a second chance by their dumpers (or is it that the dumpees have given the repentent dumpers a second chance? -- I can never get that one straight) are no happier than us coping folk.

 

I mean, some of those people are being seriously jerked around! They've waited weeks or months after being piteously abused and mercilessly X'd out of the dumper's life for that phone call or that email which will reprieve them from misery.

 

Yeah, they've done the "no contact" thing, and they've tried to move on, and they've worked out/lost weight/got a new job and all that. I'm not saying they're sitting ducks just stupidly waiting for a load of buckshot. They're human beings genuinely hurt, and still loving the one who hurt them. But they're now in the throes of that second chance bulls**t, either being subjected to the ex's psychotic mood swings or existential drama, or walking on eggshells, moderating every word they speak and every non-verbal communication they make to the ex in order to make them "comfortable" enough to overtly seek a reconcilation.

 

What kind of second chance is that? Say your best friend suddenly launches a freak attack on you. He breaks every window in your house, he fills your toothpaste tube with cyanide, he feeds your dog a big bowl of antifreeze and smashes your mailbox to smithereens with a baseball bat.

 

Weeks, or months later, after you've labored to repair the damage and compose yourself psychologically, this person rings your doorbell. When you answer the door, what do they say? "Hi! I've been thinking you about you and wondering how you are!" Like you just saw them a couple weeks ago at the county fair where you rode the ferris wheel with them and shared some lovely pink cotton candy! No big deal, no hard feelings, right?

 

What are you going to do? Go down on your knees praising God that this person has returned? Speak softly and gently to them so that they don't feel "uncomfortable" and then begin a protracted process of being "upbeat" when you talk to them, and nonjudgemental in your attitude, all designed to give them that second chance to be your friend again?

 

Or do you drag them into your living room by their nose and beat the ever-lovin' s**t out of them with a blackjack? Me, I'm leaning toward the latter.

 

Mind you, if the first words out of their mouths are: "I'm sorry for the unfair way I treated you, and I realize I made a mistake in ending our relationship. Please give me a second chance to make things right with you," that's a different story. Hey, I'm vindictive, but I'm also fair. But these second chance stories rarely seem to begin that way. They just seem like Part II of the Breaking Up story, or Unhappy Relationship (Continued). The ex calling you and then not calling you, and making vague allusions to getting back together, and then behaving as though the former dumpee is getting the wrong impression. Just more happy crappy.

 

I figure that second chance is something you give yourself. Or something the ex already gave you when they hit the road, vowing never to return. They gave you a second chance to meet someone else. They also gave you a second chance to choose another potential mate with increased self-awareness and wisdom about relationships in general. Who needs another chance to crawl into that old trick bag again and wonder how far you're gonna fall when they cut the bottom out next time?

 

I'm thrilled that drjones has a "new girl" -- hurrah, drjones! And that mischafan isn't finding that email from the ex, but rather an email from someone she didn't really notice before, because she was involved with the ex. And I'm thrilled that I got a nice date with a funny guy who has since called me three times. Is he going to be the love of my life? I dunno. Maybe yes, maybe no. Doesn't matter. Because he's one of my second chances. And I deserve it. Don't we all?

 

On that note, as Tiny Tim said, "God bless us, every one," and let's hope it's with a second chance to be happy in 2005. Just like this:

[blind_otter]

Heartfelt thank you.

[ion]

In the romantic movies, people can back together again. Reality is for most of us, it ended with a serious reason. Usually these reasons don't change for the other person and if they do come back, it's not because they figured out the errors of their way, it's for the exact opposite reason. They are lonely. They need to be with someone who they know unquestioningly and committedly loves them.

 

The thing is how can one go back to a normal life that doesn't exist anymore? Or why would you want too?

 

It comes down to the truth, if they loved you, they never would have done any of this in the first place.

 

Letting go and bringing the life back into your life, even if this new life is as good as it gets, well that's not to shabby. Life is a gift.

 

As a person who posts infrequently, I would like to take the opportunity to say to all those who update everyone on their new lives. Thank you! It brings me joy to hear you all living your lives with no regrets...

 

Good luck guys!

[djones]

KM,

You said:

 

I figure that second chance is something you give yourself.

 

 

When my break up happend, I did not give my self that second chance, I guess you feel like you are not worth that second chance, b/c your ex dumped you and you feel lost and that you dont think that anyone else will love you, so you beat yourself up, at least I did. I figure I am not good for anyone, b/c my ex did not want me so why would someone esle? I gave myself a second chance when my "New Girl" told me "what are you doing next weekend" I told her nothing ..she said "no, you have plans with me!".....thats when I felt well maybe I am worth giving myself a second chance to be loved by someone....

 

KM I will say it again, you have a true gift for words!!! Take care

[LexiB]

Originally posted by KaiaMahina

Say your best friend suddenly launches a freak attack on you. He breaks every window in your house, he fills your toothpaste tube with cyanide, he feeds your dog a big bowl of antifreeze and smashes your mailbox to smithereens with a baseball bat.

 

Weeks, or months later, after you've labored to repair the damage and compose yourself psychologically, this person rings your doorbell. When you answer the door, what do they say? "Hi! I've been thinking you about you and wondering how you are!" Like you just saw them a couple weeks ago at the county fair where you rode the ferris wheel with them and shared some lovely pink cotton candy! No big deal, no hard feelings, right?

 

What are you going to do? Go down on your knees praising God that this person has returned? Speak softly and gently to them so that they don't feel "uncomfortable" and then begin a protracted process of being "upbeat" when you talk to them, and nonjudgemental in your attitude, all designed to give them that second chance to be your friend again?

 

Or do you drag them into your living room by their nose and beat the ever-lovin' s**t out of them with a blackjack? Me, I'm leaning toward the latter.

 

 

Awesome analogy! It really does happen that way--the ex takes you through hell and back and still expect to talk to you like nothing happened. The sad thing is people like me have let them. In other circumstanceswhen someone you trust betrays you or treats you like crap, you can hold a grudge against them for years. But how easy it is to forget when you think what you have with this person falls under the category of "Love".

[mischafan160]

Kaia you are so sweet

 

It's true, the situation seems so much clearer when you compare it to how you would react if a friend treated you horribly...why is there such a difference in our reactions? Shouldn't we expect our significant others to treat us with as much respect (if not more!) than our friends??

 

I actually feel normal again for the first time in months, because I've finally totally abandoned the idea (the hope?) of getting back together with him. It's very unexpectedly freeing...I actually feel a lot stronger. No less than three new guys have popped up to keep me busy, two of which were around when I was dating my ex...being single isn't all that bad, who would have thought! It's an opportunity to experience something different. The best part is, this mindset isn't fleeting and it hasn't yet dissolved into despair like it did for the three months after the breakup. This stronger, independent feeling has lasted a good two weeks so far, that's fourteen days with no daydreaming about the ex, no crying, no feeling alone, which is probably a result of making sure I am always busy and always with friends.

 

I think happiness is a decision you make, not something that just "happens" to you and definitely not something that solely exists as a side effect of being in love. You have to decide to let certain dreams die and to embrace wholeheartedly the possibilities that wait in front of you.

[Three of Swords]

Wow - just what I needed to hear!!

 

Keep telling myself happiness is a choice. I can chose NOT to be miserable.

If I can't will myself to be happy, I am going to work on being less

 

Definition: miserable/unhappy

Synonyms: afflicted, agonized, ailing, anguished, brokenhearted, crestfallen, dejected, depressed, desolate, despairing, despondent, destroyed, disconsolate, discontented, distressed, doleful, dolorous, down, downcast, forlorn, gloomy, heartbroken, hopeless, hurt, hurting, ill, in pain, injured, melancholy, mournful, pained, pathetic, pitiable, racked, rueful, ruthful, sad, sick, sickly, sorrowful, strained, suffering, tormented, tortured, tragic, troubled, woebegone, wounded, wretched

 

Tell myself this over and over and over. Mental head bashing against a brick wall hoping happiness will sink in. (he he)

 

Definition: happy/joyous

Synonyms: blessed, blest, blissful, blithe, can't complain, captivated, cheerful, chipper, chirpy, content, contented, convivial, delighted, ecstatic, elated, exultant, flying high, gay, glad, gleeful, gratified, hopped up, intoxicated, jolly, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, light, lively, looking good, merry, mirthful, overjoyed, peaceful, peppy, perky, playful, pleasant, pleased, satisfied, sparkling, sunny, thrilled, tickled, tickled pink, up, upbeat

 

Also - sometimes if you pretend long enough, you start to believe it.

 

We all need to give OURSELVES a second chance.

 

I did 'pray' (for lack of better word) that I find some way to overcome my sorrows. How fortuitous that I found this site!

 

[Three of Swords]

Not feeling so positive tonight - cause the string snapped on my hope and I am suffering a major set-back.

 

 

I don't want a second chance. I just want the chance I never got.

[KaiaMahina]

Three of Swords!

 

Those relapses are abrupt and merciless, like a flash flood. All you can do is tread water until your toes can grip the bottom again and you can start moving with your own volition again. I know!

 

But Three...it's alright to feel wistful about what might have been with this guy. "Wouldn't it have been nice..." you can think. And it may have been. Everyone has those wistful moments, those dream-like longings. But into that longing you have to inject a little harsh reality, which is that you don't know what may have been, and it may have been nothing like what you've been idealistically imagining.

 

This man, while he may be exceptional, is only human. You don't know what sort of relationship you may have had with him if he had accepted your love. By no means am I saying, "You're better off without him; it would never have worked; he would have disappointed and disillusioned you; he would have broken your heart." How could I know that? I can't. But then, how can you know that it would have been all that your heart desires, and more?

 

The point is: you can't.

 

You and he may have been magnificent together; you and he may have taken a sojourn for two through hell. You'll probably never know. So tread the middle ground, and try to make it a unrealized, bittersweet potential instead of a bitter regret that you never had a chance with him. It's hard enough to grieve what was, don't torture yourself with what might have been. There's no percentage in it.

 

LexiB and mischafan...these people that hurt us and that we're so willing to forgive and coddle back into our lives are the very people who should have done the utmost to protect us. I figured out a couple of dumps ago that I owed them absolutely nothing in terms of courtesy or putting myself in the running for an Academy Award pretending that I'm not absolutely livid when they have the temerity to call me up like I'm their long-lost pal.

 

Ion, you're right: if the ex loved you, he/she wouldn't have dropped you. And you're right on another point: they usually come back because they're lonely and they want a "sure thing," which they believe is you. And if you see through that self-absorbed bulls**t, they don't have a chance in hell of getting you back.

 

drjones, your new girlfriend sounds like a go-getter! I love her attitude! Be happy.

[Three of Swords]

 

Those relapses are abrupt and merciless, like a flash flood. All you can do is tread water until your toes can grip the bottom again and you can start moving with your own volition again. I know!

 

 

You and he may have been magnificent together; you and he may have taken a sojourn for two through hell. You'll probably never know. So tread the middle ground, and try to make it a unrealized, bittersweet potential instead of a bitter regret that you never had a chance with him. It's hard enough to grieve what was, don't torture yourself with what might have been. There's no percentage in it.

 

 

RE RELAPSES - A right on analogy - you are a master!

 

And a flashflood is just what it feels like. A person doesn't even see the weather change until it is too late.

 

---------------------

 

RE WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN - I have tossed the aspects of this relationship that never was over and over in my head. And yes - I have (repeatedly) told myself that I may have been saved from an even more intense heartbreak.

 

The thing is, when I 'offered' myself as a potential to him, I already knew it wouldn't be forever. Knew it wouldn't be the white picket fence, two perfect children, walking happily into the sunset. That was already NOT going to happen.

 

And I already knew that it wouldn't be without it's daily challenges. And I was willing to risk all - lay my heart on the line no matter the risks to said heart.

 

I KNOW he isn't perfect, I already know alot of his "shortcomings" - and yet .....

 

Was willing to go there anyway.

[mischafan160]

Originally posted by KaiaMahina

 

LexiB and mischafan...these people that hurt us and that we're so willing to forgive and coddle back into our lives are the very people who should have done the utmost to protect us. I figured out a couple of dumps ago that I owed them absolutely nothing in terms of courtesy or putting myself in the running for an Academy Award pretending that I'm not absolutely livid when they have the temerity to call me up like I'm their long-lost pal.

 

So true...how could I have thought that friendship was really possible after such a betrayal? I think the answer lies in DESPERATION, which leads normally sane and clear-minded people to behave in ways most bizarre and contradictory to their common sense. Like when I asked you if I should call him...gosh, I'm so glad I didn't because that urge completely dissolved in 24 hours when my common sense and dignity returned to me. We should all be careful of feeling too desperate...it leads us to do things we would later regret.

[Urban Rubble01]

That was a good post, some of it I agree with some of it I don't.

 

First off, the best friend metaphor is flawed. You laid out a sitauation where the best friend attacks you suddenly for NO reason other than to hurt you. In most cases the person is not breaking up with the other person with the intention of hurting them. They aren't actively trying to ruin your life.

 

If some girl slept with my best friend, stole my car and kicked my dog, I'd never speak to her again, regardless of how much I love her. My situation is complicated, but basically, the girl asked for "a break" because alot of things were going on in her life. She wasn't trying to hurt me, she just couldn't do it right then. I'd be beyond petty if I were to hate her for that.

 

I agree with you in the sense that people who are treated badly by their exes shouldn't be waiting around for them. If someone who claimed to love you tells you they don't want to see you ever agin, starts acting cold and generally just treats you badly, you need to move on. But what about a case like mine ? My ex asked for "a break". She's done what she can to make it easy on me, she isn't cold, she still seems to love me. She's been nothing but sweet.

 

It's hard to walk away and move on in ANY case. But when the person doens't give you anything to hold against them, and beyond that still says they love you and they see it working out, it becomes a situation where you don't even know what to do, much less HOW to do it.

[mischafan160]

Well, but regardless of their motive in dumping you they still committed a vile betrayal and I think it was more the WILLINGNESS to cause us so much pain and perhaps the nonchalant attitude the dumper had when they did so, that is such a horrible thing and something which should not be so easily forgiven.

[Urban Rubble01]

Well, but regardless of their motive in dumping you they still committed a vile betrayal

 

Falling out of love with someone, or needing time apart from them is NOT a vile betrayal. If you can muster up feelings of hatred for someone that you claimed to have loved, simply because their feelings changed then I have to wonder how in love with them you ever were. Yes, it hurts and it sucks that things went that way, but just because they changed doesn't make them bad people. It's a different story, of course, if they TRY to hurt you. Falling out of love isn't a betrayal. It isn't something you can control.

 

I think it was more the WILLINGNESS to cause us so much pain and perhaps the nonchalant attitude the dumper had when they did so

 

Well, in my case she was neither willing nor nonchalant. It took her two months to force herself to ask for time apart, she didn't want to do it but she had to because she knew it was best. She cried, called me the next day to see if I was alright and continues to care about me, hardly nonchalant.

 

I'm not saying that you should just forgive and forget like nothing happened. Every situation is different, sometimes the person was more cold and harsh than they needed to be. All I'm saying is, the fact that someone broke up with you does not necessarilly make them a bad person who doesn't deserve to be forgiven. If they start acting rude and cold, say they don't love you anymore and that it's over, walk away and don't look back unless they ask to be forgiven. If someone tells you that they love you and that they're sorry they have to ask for time apart, and it seems like they're doing all they can to make it easier on you, don't give up so easily.[

[LexiB]

Originally posted by Urban Rubble01

Well, in my case she was neither willing nor nonchalant. It took her two months to force herself to ask for time apart, she didn't want to do it but she had to because she knew it was best. She cried, called me the next day to see if I was alright and continues to care about me, hardly nonchalant.

 

That's really cool/decent of your ex. If only all break-ups were like that. All this extra and unneccessary pain could be avoided if the other person just shows some sort of emotion.

[KaiaMahina]

Urban, you're quite right that some breakups are more sad than evil, and that in most cases the dumper isn't maliciously and actively attempting to make the dumpee miserable.

 

However, I was addressing those who, like myself, were abruptly, without warning and without discussion, violently terminated "with extreme prejudice". My ex fiance and I had no major problems which couldn't be discussed and dismissed.

 

HE had a major problem with his family, his self-esteem and his past baggage that has been a millstone around his neck since he was 19 years old and has simply spent the intervening years hauling it around with him and decided to dump it into the middle of my life within days of taking me out to buy an engagement ring. Am I exaggerating? Am I white-washing the situation? Was there more to this than meets the eye, like maybe we had ongoing and insoluable issues that I've conveniently failed to mention? NO.

 

That's why I was shocked and stunned when I was called up at work (where he knew I could neither speak freely nor actively confront him, and is the worst possible public place to be emotionally devastated), screamed at hysterically for 10 minutes, informed that he "loves" me and would never stop loving me and then was hung up on. I got approximately 15 words into this conversation from an insane asylum.

 

When I decided that my marriage was simply not working anymore, I let my ex husband know. We talked. We discussed. Eventually, I had to tell him that nothing had changed for me and that I wanted out. I told him I was sorry, and that I would always care for him, and that he deserved someone who could love him the way a wife should love her husband. We cried together. Seven years later, we're still friends. Always have been. We talk at least once a month and exchange birthday/holiday greetings. THAT is how a break up should be. I was respectful and compassionate, and I let him have his say, and I let him grieve with me.

 

That's NOT how my ex-fiance treated me, and that's NOT how many people here at LS were treated. If a man wants to end a relationship with me, I have no argument with that. If he's genuinely unhappy and can see no hope, then all he has to do is tell me so to my face, with respect and compassion, and if he ever contacts me again, I may not be able to deal with being friends with him, but I would only have a kind attitude and kind words for him.

 

These exes who completely devastate you with a Jekyl/Hyde routine, or who have been sneaking around behind your back with someone else are the ones I'm talking about. The people you trust with your loving feelings for them, and with your secrets and some portion of your emotional state, who utterly betray you. Kiss you one day and stab you in the back the next.

 

That's not your situation, Urban. You happened to be "released" by a nice woman, rather than "dumped" by a crazy person. And believe me, there's nothing worse than having that same crazy person call you up months or years later, behaving as though they hadn't completely devastated you emotionally (and sometimes financially) and put a big balls up in your life with their self-absorbed insanity, and slapped a wall of silence between you.

 

And no matter how much you loved them (and you DID, just as much as you do and did love your girlfriend), how could you continue to love or respect someone who can behave so hatefully toward you? People can kill your love for them, just as surely as they can kill you if they thrust a knife into your heart. It doesn't mean that love never existed in the first place.

 

No, falling out of love isn't a crime. I never said that it was. But treating someone miserably just because you've fallen out of love with them (or succumbed to your own dysfunctional issues) is totally unacceptable. Respect and compassion don't cost a dime. But some people believe you aren't even worth that much. And that is a crime.

[mischafan160]

Originally posted by Urban Rubble01

Falling out of love with someone, or needing time apart from them is NOT a vile betrayal. If you can muster up feelings of hatred for someone that you claimed to have loved, simply because their feelings changed then I have to wonder how in love with them you ever were. Yes, it hurts and it sucks that things went that way, but just because they changed doesn't make them bad people. It's a different story, of course, if they TRY to hurt you. Falling out of love isn't a betrayal. It isn't something you can control.

 

I don't really hate him for falling out of love with me, I hate him more for handling it in the most immature way possible that caused me more pain than was necessary.

 

I guess I kind of agree with you but...it's hard for me to understand that some people just fall out of love. In the very beginning of my relationship, I kind of lost interest in him, and broke up with him, but I thought that I used to be so crazy about him that I didn't want to just give up and so we got back together to try again and I fell in love with him more than I could have imagined.

 

What hurts is that he gave up so easily when things got confusing. I mean, love doesn't always feel like it did when you first fall for the person...sometimes it gets boring and sometimes it gets hard but the whole point is to not give up on the other person, especially if they're going through something. I don't know how much I buy the whole "falling out of love" concept, I sort of feel like it's an excuse.

 

But then last night a good friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend for the same reason, and I was so mad...but then I realized that he was going through something really sh*tty too, he felt really guilty but genuinely thought he couldn't help his feelings and was trying to do the right thing by breaking up with her. So I had to face the unhappy truth that there are no evil villains out to get us, that even the people who hurt us may only be trying to do the right thing. Which is hard because you want so badly to be able to focus all your misery on some other person. Maybe it was my fault, maybe I became someone who was impossible to stay in love with. I guess I will never know for sure.

[Urban Rubble01]

Oh Kaia, trust me, I couldn't agree more. You're absoutley right. If someone treats you like that, no amount of prior love should allow you to forgive and forget. You're right. I guess I was just commenting for the people who are a little closer to my situation.

 

I see alot of people who seem to worry about how they appear to others more than whether or not they love this person. Alot of people on here tell me I'm naive to keep loving her, and even worse, some people act like I'm wrong to not hold a grudge against her ! All I'm saying is, yes, in alot of cases the person doing the breaking up is cold and rude about it, but just because someone doesn't want to be with you anymore, it doesn't necessarilly make them bad people.

 

This is an example of what I was talking about:

 

Well, but regardless of their motive in dumping you they still committed a vile betrayal

 

See, I disagree. If you really do love someone, you should want them to be happy NO MATTER WHAT. If they aren't happy with you anymore, and they break up with you, they're only doing what's best for them. Again, if they treat you horribly during the breakup, that's one thing, but to hate someone for doing what they had to do is beyond selfish. I will always love my ex, regardless of whether or not she comes back. I'm hurt beyond belief, but I'm NOT angry, I can't hold it against her.

 

But you're right Kaia, anyone that does the kind of thing that your ex did to you doesn't deserve to be forgiven. In some ways, I envy people like you. If I go through all this and it doesn't work out in the end, I'm going to be wishing that she had just told me to **** off and ended it. It's hard to get over it when you don't even know what's going to happen. All the signs I'm given are very optimistic, she baked me cookies for Christmas, tells me she loves me still, but I can't let myself take solace in these good signs because again, if it doesn't work out and I'm letting myself think it WILL, that's going to hurt.

[bigacesteve]

KaiaMahina is 100% right UR01.

 

What you have with your ex is at least something, most of us on here have no answers, no contact, absolutely nothing.

 

If my ex had talked things through with me instead of telling me it was over and ignoring me for the last 4 months I wouldn't be the upset mess I am now. I often wondered how I would act when I saw her again and I finally got that chance on New Years Eve/Day. She turned up on my doorstep all upset and crying and I let her in. I let this person who has shown no respect for me as a fellow human being into my house and I listened to what I now know to be the biggest pile of bollocks I have ever heard.

 

She wanted to get back together, she'd missed me, felt lonely without me; she never once asked me what I wanted or if I could forgive her for the last 4 months of hell I'd been through. Suddenley the tears dried up and she wanted a drink and to meet my friends again. I was trying to be so nice to her that I missed my golden opportunity to put the spotlight on her and find out exactly what the ***** happened and why I deserved such horrible treatment from someone who I honestly thought once 'loved?' me. I should have told her to sit her ass back down and tell me some truths. Instead I did whatever she wanted and the next day I got a text message telling me basically to ignore everything she had said and to scrap the plans to meet up sometime. She blamed everything on me and when I tried to speak to her she ignored me again.

 

I have forgiven this nasty person everytime she has hurt me without a sencond thought and it has changed nothing. I agree with KaiaMahina. I am not going to be all nice and well mannered the next time I see her, I am going to be a complete arsehole. It's time to take my brothers advice; be a b4stard. In general, people who talk down to me (very rare) get told and I don't mix my words; why should she be any different? She is no longer my girlfriend, which makes her the same as everyone else. I've treated her differently because I thought it would make peace between us. Thinking about it she has been absolutely vile to me and she has not once left things between us on a good note and this is all that I wanted. Well bollocks to that now, she's in for a surprise next time we meet.

 

I'm sorry about my rant but I needed to really get that off my chest. I am sick of my brain telling me that things will work out between us when I know deep down inside I am being laughed at and made to look the fool because I care about her.

 

I am feeling better already getting my feelings down and onto this site. Thanks for listening

[bigacesteve]

Sorry UR01, you've just posted about a couple of minutes before me and you do agree with KaiaMahina.

[ion]

I agree that a majority of people are here at LS either reading or posting because the way the relationship ended was badly. A surprise ending, harshly fought battle, another person, pain induced loss of self worth, etc...all outcomes that make the breakup worst than a simple breakup.

 

The problem is communication and the rules of the game. It's different for everyone, we all have expectations on how we ourselves behave and how the other person will behave.

 

Ground rules.

 

Usually when a relationship is ending, the ground rules were never set jointly together (ie the relationship wasn't working), more than likely they were just tolerated. Not talking about this, treating the other person a certain way, agreeing to decide things together, etc...these things which were tolerated are torn off.

 

It's even freeing for most people, not to have be concerned with the other person's demands.

 

The problem *is* when one person stills believes in the ground rules and the other doesn't. The person who is leaving, already has left, and the other person doesn't know it. The harshness of this power imbalance can be overwhelming and for a majority of people here it would seem, stunningly hard. A sucker punch, a knife in the chest, all images that describe the pain caused by the withdrawal of the other person.

 

Consideration is a simple word yet can be interpreted so many ways and it's actions felt even more. What is being considerate and what is not is the fine line that divides.

 

In the end, you can't teach grace and I feel grace finds true consideration and kindness.

[DoggyDog]

HURT....You bet. But even though you were spared by the dumper with soft words (on the phone no less)....especially after just being with them a few days before (LDR in my case)...20+ yrs is hard to just take it lightly because you weren't left with a better taste from how they did it.

The relapses are the hardest right now and you will have them. Don't waste your youth as I did....but at the time I didn't think I was wasting it on loving a MM. He was what I needed and I'm wishing I could just forget as I know you would like to...but when they are nice and supportive and caring etc etc.....Well, that's what HURTS everyday. Not having that PERSON CARE ANYMORE.

 

Keep posting no matter what..go into the different threads, read them and sometimes you'll weep like I have...Also, sometimes you will get stronger when you read the encouragement from others to stay strong.

You may not want anything right now, except that other person back in your life....but just knowing it isn't gonna be again....or ever, is the "DEATH" you need to go on. My experience of history repeats itself falls on relationships from the past and how I DID survive every one of those breakups....and loved again.

 

Stay focused on your inner self, your personal feelings about her...and cherish them....I Will

 

L DD

[KaiaMahina]

All I can say, bigacesteve, is deys some crazy folk out there!

 

Excuse me for saying so, but that ex gal of yours must have some solid steel b***s tucked away in her Victoria's Secret panties to have done what you described. Her audacity makes me go like this:

 

At least you're not in any doubt that she's not worth your kindness, and that your hope has been squandered on her. You have nothing to regret in losing her. Sounds like you know that now. And that puts you way ahead of whatever game she's running. And like old Ralph Waldo Emerson says, "Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves."

 

And Urban...you're in a difficult position, as you indicated. Word through the emotional grapevine is that things are looking up. You're getting positive signals. Love tokens (the cookies). Expressions of affection. All that good stuff. But you say you can't rest with them. That's only natural. Life is uncertain, and people are even more so.

 

Doesn't mean that it won't all come together, though. You sound wise enough to temper hope with caution. So far, she's done all right by you considering the circumstances. Wishing you good mojo on the situation.

[Urban Rubble01]

Steve, yeah, your ex is a "nutter" as you English say. Everytime I read that story I cringe. It just backs up the point of this thread, if your ex took off with no consideration for your feelings at all, then that is very indicitive of who they really are.

 

Kaia, haha, yeah, the emotional grapevine at Loveshack. Thanks for the good "mojo". In some ways my situation is better than most, but like I said, in some ways I envy the people who had their ex tell them straight up that they were done. I guess it can go either way, it'll be at least 6 months before we know though !

 

Basically, I have NO doubt that she still loves me. But at the same time, I have NO doubt that she's confused and doesn't know what's going to happen. In my heart I know she's still in love with me, but my brain tells me that even if that's the case, it's no guarantee. It's a hard line to walk, trying to stay optimisitc and take these signs as positive, yet at the same time not letting yourself read too much into her signs and trying to keep the mind set that she's probably gone. Two totally contradictory thoughts, and I'm supposed to act on both of them ? It's rough.

[North Shore]

KaiaMahina,

 

You remain my favorite LS author and beacon of humor and hope.

Please, God, keep going.

 

Signed,

 

Your North Shore Compatriot