bridging between the words and actions

[blue963]

Yes I know Im going to get beat up for this question, but I think it is a valid question to the women here. Words are just words and I get that. But I think most people can tell when someone is being honest about their feelings (not when its attached to just sex) and particularly in person. Say for instance the MM says some really nice things about they way he feels and you feel they are sincere by the energy that you are feeling. But, because of the constraints of this relationship you cant share dinners, doing nice things, being there in times of difficulty you feel that loss or maybe even unimportant.

 

How do you manage this relationship without getting resentful or angry. To be honest, sometimes it bothers me when they go out to dinner, etc. (His wife doesn't cook at all so they eat out almost every meal at good restaurants).

 

Yeah I know, Im going to hear all the normal of what do i expect, placing myself second best, etc. But I am being out in the open here because I know Im not the only one bumping in to these issues. If you have these problems how do you voice them?

[cozycottagelg]

Also, don't forget..you aren't competing with just his wife. You are competing with his entire life.

[Shhhlonely]

Yes I know Im going to get beat up for this question, but I think it is a valid question to the women here. Words are just words and I get that. But I think most people can tell when someone is being honest about their feelings (not when its attached to just sex) and particularly in person. Say for instance the MM says some really nice things about they way he feels and you feel they are sincere by the energy that you are feeling. But, because of the constraints of this relationship you cant share dinners, doing nice things, being there in times of difficulty you feel that loss or maybe even unimportant.

 

How do you manage this relationship without getting resentful or angry. To be honest, sometimes it bothers me when they go out to dinner, etc. (His wife doesn't cook at all so they eat out almost every meal at good restaurants).

 

Yeah I know, Im going to hear all the normal of what do i expect, placing myself second best, etc. But I am being out in the open here because I know Im not the only one bumping in to these issues. If you have these problems how do you voice them?

 

Honestly I'm not resentful of his spouse at all, actually I feel awful that I'm a hidden source of distance in their marriage. My MOM doesn't do a whole lot with his spouse, honestly besides work he doesn't appear to be very social, so it doesn't bother me when they go out. Plus I go out with my spouse, MOM and I just don't really discuss it. The two are seperate and treated as such.

 

MOM and I have never had a "date" per se and at times that frustrates me. But to help from getting angry I think of all the heart ache would be caused if I was caught. I can't divorce, yes I know people will say I can but life isn't black and white and right now I can't.

 

I'm trying to take the day by day and not be there at his beck and call...it's hard but it helps me from getting angry. I tell myself he is my side piece just as I am his...sometimes it helps...sometimes.

[MissBee]

Yes I know Im going to get beat up for this question, but I think it is a valid question to the women here. Words are just words and I get that. But I think most people can tell when someone is being honest about their feelings (not when its attached to just sex) and particularly in person. Say for instance the MM says some really nice things about they way he feels and you feel they are sincere by the energy that you are feeling. But, because of the constraints of this relationship you cant share dinners, doing nice things, being there in times of difficulty you feel that loss or maybe even unimportant.

 

How do you manage this relationship without getting resentful or angry. To be honest, sometimes it bothers me when they go out to dinner, etc. (His wife doesn't cook at all so they eat out almost every meal at good restaurants).

 

Yeah I know, Im going to hear all the normal of what do i expect, placing myself second best, etc. But I am being out in the open here because I know Im not the only one bumping in to these issues. If you have these problems how do you voice them?

 

My honest answer is: there was no way for me to manage it without being resentful and I later realized I didn't deserve to be in a relationship which would inherently make me jealous, paranoid, insecure and resentful and where I would then have to try to "manage" it. Those feelings are warnings and are normal feelings and sometimes I see some OW here try to make other OW feel badly for feeling that way as though something is wrong with them for not being able to emotionally handle an affair....when it's a normal reaction.

 

I realized the things that bothered me weren't things that would change...as ultimately no matter what the argument or jealousy was about, it's not about restaurants and eating out, it's that he has a wife and another woman whom he spends intimate time with who isn't you and who doesn't know you exist and hasn't signed off on your R and who you see him protect her feelings and their life together over you. I'm just being honest blue, it's probably not what you want to hear. You probably want some solutions on how to continue being the OW and enjoying it, and maybe some people have some solutions, but in my own experience, all those things were temporary bandaids and in some ways me deluding myself. The bottom line was: I was never a happy OW, in the sense that I was completely satisfied with being in an A. I didn't want an A. But I stayed and the more I stayed it got no easier, just harder as my feelings grew. I found ways to manage temporarily by: having my own full life (which included seeing other men too) and putting some things out of sight and out of mind. Did it work fully? No. It worked a little but sooner or later I would think about things and I would be upset again.

 

Words vs. actions, I'm not sure what it means here. I knew my exAP had real feelings, but feelings and then your real life and what you choose to do are different. You can really love chocolate cake and choose not to eat it, buy it or make it for health reasons. So I guess for me words vs. actions are not necessarily about lies, but the fact that as much as a MM may feel inlove and so on, those feelings are not the only thing people need to feel secure and be happy and productive in a relationship. If you love someone but cannot give them what they need...then the words may be true but have no backing behind them.

 

I don't really believe there is any way to genuinely be fine with it if you genuinely aren't. There are only temporary things that kinda work but not really. Based your posts and concerns, it doesn't seem to me like you will ever all of a sudden become someone who is okay with this situation and I suppose it is up to you to decide if you want to spend your time in a R where you're coping with it more so than enjoying it.

Edited January 2, 2014 by MissBee

[inappfriendly]

Also, don't forget..you aren't competing with just his wife. You are competing with his entire life.

 

This is simply one of the most realistic, helpful things I have read!

[WasOtherWoman]

I don't really believe there is any way to genuinely be fine with it if you genuinely aren't. There are only temporary things that kinda work but not really. Based your posts and concerns, it doesn't seem to me like you will ever all of a sudden become someone who is okay with this situation and I suppose it is up to you to decide if you want to spend your time in a R where you're coping with it more so than enjoying it.

 

Truer words have never been spoken. I truly believe there are two types of OWs. Ones who are happy with status quo and ones who want more. The truly happy ow's (HOWs) are not bothered by the reality of their married partner's lives.

 

The truly unhappy ones (myself included) are bothered every day, by every mention of their man's "real life", even when they try to tell themselves that they are not.

 

Personally, I couldn't hack it. You just can't pretend forever.

[MissBee]

Truer words have never been spoken. I truly believe there are two types of OWs. Ones who are happy with status quo and ones who want more. The truly happy ow's (HOWs) are not bothered by the reality of their married partner's lives.

 

The truly unhappy ones (myself included) are bothered every day, by every mention of their man's "real life", even when they try to tell themselves that they are not.

 

Personally, I couldn't hack it. You just can't pretend forever.

 

Yess! That's the truth.

 

I wasn't cut out for being an OW personally, blue doesn't seem like she is either.

 

If you're truly satisfied you're not gonna spend much time thinking about this or making threads about it. If you find yourself constantly thinking about it, asking about it and really trying to cope ---it is evident that this is not something you're in fact happy with and you're probably going against all that is healthy for you. In that case, I really don't believe there is anyway for you to get to a point of being fine with it. What I normally see is getting to a point where you tell yourself you're fine and lower your expectations....but if you even have to do that it means you're not someone cut out for this type of thing, and that's fine too.

 

What is the worst is to pretend you're fine and contort yourself to be "okay" with it all then if, and most likely when, the A ends or you're worn down from it after contorting for years, you become resentful of this person as well as yourself.

[WasOtherWoman]

Yess! That's the truth.

 

I wasn't cut out for being an OW personally, blue doesn't seem like she is either.

 

If you're truly satisfied you're not gonna spend much time thinking about this or making threads about it. If you find yourself constantly thinking about it, asking about it and really trying to cope ---it is evident that this is not something you're in fact happy with and you're probably going against all that is healthy for you. In that case, I really don't believe there is anyway for you to get to a point of being fine with it. What I normally see is getting to a point where you tell yourself you're fine and lower your expectations....but if you even have to do that it means you're not someone cut out for this type of thing, and that's fine too.

 

What is the worst is to pretend you're fine and contort yourself to be "okay" with it all then if, and most likely when, the A ends or you're worn down from it after contorting for years, you become resentful of this person as well as yourself.

 

So true! My MM was the one who pointed out that, if he did not leave his marriage quickly, I would become resentful and we that would absolutely destroy any chance of a future relationship. I am grateful for that.

[chelsea2011]

My honest answer is: there was no way for me to manage it without being resentful and I later realized I didn't deserve to be in a relationship which would inherently make me jealous, paranoid, insecure and resentful and where I would then have to try to "manage" it. Those feelings are warnings and are normal feelings and sometimes I see some OW here try to make other OW feel badly for feeling that way as though something is wrong with them for not being able to emotionally handle an affair....when it's a normal reaction.

 

I realized the things that bothered me weren't things that would change...as ultimately no matter what the argument or jealousy was about, it's not about restaurants and eating out, it's that he has a wife and another woman whom he spends intimate time with who isn't you and who doesn't know you exist and hasn't signed off on your R and who you see him protect her feelings and their life together over you. I'm just being honest blue, it's probably not what you want to hear. You probably want some solutions on how to continue being the OW and enjoying it, and maybe some people have some solutions, but in my own experience, all those things were temporary bandaids and in some ways me deluding myself. The bottom line was: I was never a happy OW, in the sense that I was completely satisfied with being in an A. I didn't want an A. But I stayed and the more I stayed it got no easier, just harder as my feelings grew. I found ways to manage temporarily by: having my own full life (which included seeing other men too) and putting some things out of sight and out of mind. Did it work fully? No. It worked a little but sooner or later I would think about things and I would be upset again.

 

Words vs. actions, I'm not sure what it means here. I knew my exAP had real feelings, but feelings and then your real life and what you choose to do are different. You can really love chocolate cake and choose not to eat it, buy it or make it for health reasons. So I guess for me words vs. actions are not necessarily about lies, but the fact that as much as a MM may feel inlove and so on, those feelings are not the only thing people need to feel secure and be happy and productive in a relationship. If you love someone but cannot give them what they need...then the words may be true but have no backing behind them.

 

I don't really believe there is any way to genuinely be fine with it if you genuinely aren't. There are only temporary things that kinda work but not really. Based your posts and concerns, it doesn't seem to me like you will ever all of a sudden become someone who is okay with this situation and I suppose it is up to you to decide if you want to spend your time in a R where you're coping with it more so than enjoying it.

 

The first/bolded paragraph is what would make me want out if I were in an affair. I can only imagine how the situation would make a person feel jealous, insecure and paranoid when they are not like that in normal out in the open relationships. Having to stuff and manage feelings will defintely bring out those insecurities. I wouldn't want to be the person a situation such as an affair would bring out in me. No no no!

 

I've had emotionally unavailabe men in my life and ended up feeing the same way. I got out because I didn't want to be that person it brought out in me. I imagine an affair would mimic the same dynamics as those of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person. It's hard and painful and keeps you from opening up and being who you really are as a person.

[MissBee]

The first/bolded paragraph is what would make me want out if I were in an affair. I can only imagine how the situation would make a person feel jealous, insecure and paranoid when they are not like that in normal out in the open relationships. Having to stuff and manage feelings will defintely bring out those insecurities. I wouldn't want to be the person a situation such as an affair would bring out in me. No no no!

 

I've had emotionally unavailabe men in my life and ended up feeing the same way. I got out because I didn't want to be that person it brought out in me. I imagine an affair would mimic the same dynamics as those of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person. It's hard and painful and keeps you from opening up and being who you really are as a person.

 

Funnily, I didn't come here until long after my affair and it was because I was dealing with issues of me dating emotionally unavailable men, of which the affair was also one permutation of the same. I had been a member of LS before and came here for a single breakup, which was after the A, and I had never noticed the OW/OM section before and then as I was reading about the patterns of emotional unavailability and thinking through my own experience with that, I came here and saw this section and as I read through I was like omgg I can relate to these people and I was also in an A! I think one of my first posts was saying that affairs are but one kind of dubious type of R.

[glowing]

I am several years out from our A (have since left our respective marriages, dated (for real), were engaged and married.

 

I remember distinctly (and sadly) hearing hurtful information about the two of them.

 

She was (and is) very vocal on social media, so to torture myself I could always read "her version" of their life. He assured me it wasn't reality, but for some time I wondered.

 

Fast forward a few years, a D-day, contentious divorces from hell and the afterwards...she is the queen of blowing things way out of proportion, and always in her favor.

 

It helps to take things with a grain of salt. What you are seeing/hearing is most likely not their reality.

 

And try picturing yourself as an observer of whatever is going on. Do you REALLY think they are loving on each other and connecting? Or is the likelihood of awkward silences and boring chitchat more possible? They aren't newlyweds...I would bet money that the hot and heavy is NOT happening, and the majority of what you are fearing is in your head.

 

Which doesn't make it easier to bear, but try to talk yourself down with what it is you KNOW about their relationship.

 

During our A my (then) MM went on an anniversary overnight with his (then) wife. I knew where they were, and drove myself crazy the entire time picturing the ideal anniversary overnight.

 

Come to find out they barely spoke, he was distant and distracted, and she was pissed because of it. They had sex (I assume...I never asked and honestly don't care), but have no doubt that it did not measure up to the sex we had at the time (and even now).

 

It's hard, but we are our own worst enemies.

 

Also, HUGS

[Popsicle]

Faking feelings... now that's an interesting topic.

 

I do not believe that most people fake feelings very well. If they do it, they will do it very poorly and come off as insincere. It won't quite come out right. And even if they get away with it once or twice, they won't be able to keep that face up for long, they are going to slip, especially if the other person is watching for inauthenticity.

 

What I do believe people do is have fleeting feelings and they express them in the moment, but the next moment, they may not feel it anymore. Then a day or two later they will feel it again and express it, but then it goes away again. And when I say go away, what I mean is, they don't feel that strong feeling anymore, but they refrain from expressing that.

 

I have lots of friends who ask me after a bad breakup, "Why did he say this or that wonderful thing while we were together? Did he even mean it? Did he even love me?" I always say, yes, he did, in that moment, and I truly believe he did feel it. He was telling the truth, he really meant it. But now he doesn't because it is a different moment, and he doesn't want to play anymore.

 

The only true proofs of love are consistency and sacrifice.

Edited January 3, 2014 by Popsicle

[chelsea2011]

I am several years out from our A (have since left our respective marriages, dated (for real), were engaged and married.

 

I remember distinctly (and sadly) hearing hurtful information about the two of them.

 

She was (and is) very vocal on social media, so to torture myself I could always read "her version" of their life. He assured me it wasn't reality, but for some time I wondered.

 

Fast forward a few years, a D-day, contentious divorces from hell and the afterwards...she is the queen of blowing things way out of proportion, and always in her favor.

 

It helps to take things with a grain of salt. What you are seeing/hearing is most likely not their reality.

 

And try picturing yourself as an observer of whatever is going on. Do you REALLY think they are loving on each other and connecting? Or is the likelihood of awkward silences and boring chitchat more possible? They aren't newlyweds...I would bet money that the hot and heavy is NOT happening, and the majority of what you are fearing is in your head.

 

Which doesn't make it easier to bear, but try to talk yourself down with what it is you KNOW about their relationship.

 

During our A my (then) MM went on an anniversary overnight with his (then) wife. I knew where they were, and drove myself crazy the entire time picturing the ideal anniversary overnight.

 

Come to find out they barely spoke, he was distant and distracted, and she was pissed because of it. They had sex (I assume...I never asked and honestly don't care), but have no doubt that it did not measure up to the sex we had at the time (and even now).

 

It's hard, but we are our own worst enemies.

 

Also, HUGS

 

This is good advice and makes sense if you are with someone who wants to be with you and the communication level is as deep as yours. It seems many here don't have that and are left guessing constantly. How should those OW's handle things when they do not know if their MM truly values them or not? I think that is where the doubt, pain and insecurity comes in.

[vanellope]

the MM expect OW don't jealous or get emotional when they with their wives or when they talk about their wives, but at the same time they know they need to keep OW as a secret otherwise their wives will sad or hurt when they find out the affair.

[WasOtherWoman]

the MM expect OW don't jealous or get emotional when they with their wives or when they talk about their wives, but at the same time they know they need to keep OW as a secret otherwise their wives will sad or hurt when they find out the affair.

 

Mine knew better than to discuss his wife with me. Or to sneak off and call me when he was with her. I sure the hell was NOT going to be a bandaid on that marriage, or his therapist!

[bentleychic]

 

How do you manage this relationship without getting resentful or angry.

I don't do a good job of it. Especially if he goes out with her and their friends and forgets to message me that day/night when he promises to. It makes me feel very unloved and unimportant to him and yes, I let him know that, too. I'm not big on holding back my thoughts and feelings.

 

Yeah I know, Im going to hear all the normal of what do i expect, placing myself second best, etc. But I am being out in the open here because I know Im not the only one bumping in to these issues. If you have these problems how do you voice them?

I just tell him, straight out. "When you went to the race with X and your friends and then didn't text me when you got home like you promised, it made me feel like you forgot me and just really didn't care. Yes, I know you were tired and surrounded by people all night, but if you promise to text me, I expect at least a text saying "Babe, I'm home. I'm exhausted and going to bed, but love you and will talk tomorrow." Takes all of 10 seconds to show somebody that you care if you really do.

[blue963]

Yes that is all that is needed, a simple contact to know that you are thought of and you are not just an afterthought or convenience.

[Got it]

I was high maintenance so didn't allow him too many concessions. I was not a HOW and made no bones about it. I was in it for him based on a timeframe we both agreed to. Being married was his baby to rock, not mine, and the major and only real concession I was giving him was the fact I would date a married man - him.