In PAIN; Confused; LD SO is stranger...

[new2dating]

Please - I really need advice - my heart is breaking. *crack*

 

I've been having a very passionate LD type relationship with a man in another country. I am flying out to meet him in one week. I found out a few days ago, through a mutual friend, that he no longer wants this relationship - he only wants friendship. Every time I speak to him, or spoke to him in the past, there was never any indication of this. He would consistently say that he loved me etc., all the usual lines (although as it turns out there were many lies told along the way). Although I really believe that most of what he told me is true - or at least was true - were indeed his true feelings.

 

Only in the past few days have I confronted him with this - his current feelings / intellectualizing of the situation. And its like he is a different person. He is fierce and cruel to me, closing himself off to me totally - refusing to explain his reasoning.

 

I don't understand it at all - its almost like he has had a psychotic break or something - seriously. It's like I am talking to a stranger.

 

I need advice on several counts:

 

1. Should I still meet him?

2. If yes to 1, how should I approach the situation; view it?

3. Has any one had experience with this type of personality shift, and why it may come about?

 

If there is any other information you need to aid in your responses, just post and I'll try to answer.

 

Please, I would so appreciate any advice this community has to offer.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by new2dating

1. Should I still meet him?

 

No.

 

Cut him loose and move on.

 

Who initiated the trip? Did he suggest it and you said OK? He probably never thought you would really do it and is too much of a coward to tell you that he's been lieing to you all along---telling you what you want to hear.

 

OTOH, if this really is a shift in personality for him and he was sincere before -- cut him loose and move on. You don't need long distance drama. He is not your responsibility.

[helena abadi]

the love of my life started as a LD relationship. i moved to be with him. if i had seriously doubted his feelings for me, or if he had changed the way you have described, i would not have got on the plane.

 

being nasty and cruel is a really dramatic change. you are wise to be wary.

 

mine was occasionally moody and distant on the phone and he didn't tell me the whole truth about himself, i found that out after i moved, but eventually i forgave him and he's shaped up to be a really good man.

 

sounds like your LD love is hiding something. it's easier to hide stuff when the relationship is LD.

 

has he actually called the trip off? has he said Don't Come? do you think he may have met someone else? have you asked him?

 

if you are reluctant to call it off permanently, at least delay your trip and don't put another date on it yet. state your position clearly to him, then step back to protect your feelings, allow a bit of emotional space between you. if he wants you, he will call.

 

you are in the pursuing position right now, and he's in the distancing position. when you pursue someone who is distancing, it creates more distance, more friction.

 

the trick is to stop pursuing, don't be afraid of allowing space. the space may leave you feeling panicky and fearing loss, but it's necessary for your own self-preservation.

[j_nelson]

Hey...unfortunately I was kinda like this guy at the end of last year which caused the end of my 5 year relationship....

 

I can tell you that the reason I was acting distant and almost as though I was another person was because I let distance get the better of me. I began to talk to and go out with other girls and lost sight of what really was important to me. Right around this time my girlfriend was scheduled to come out and visit me....we had been fighting in the weeks leading up to this trip (mostly because of me being an idiot) but we agreed for her to still come anyway. Big mistake. I can honestly tell you now, if my girlfriend at the time had of cancelled the trip to come see me it would have made me wake up and realize what the hell I was doing and how much of a clown I was. It would have been a huge kick in the ass...

 

If I were you I would definitely not go on the trip. Make him think about it. If he really wants you, you will know. Trust me. This could save your relationship and if it doesn't you don't want to be with him anyway....

[jellybean]

Originally posted by new2dating

And its like he is a different person. He is fierce and cruel to me, closing himself off to me totally - refusing to explain his reasoning.

 

Oh yeah - I know ALL about this one....

 

Brace yourself - cuz this is gonna sound harsh (and I'm sorry)...the LDR was not enough to sustain him, and he has likely found someone else. He has already emotionally distanced himself from you, and if you go visit him it's gonna end up in major heartbreak for you.

 

He has already moved on - but because he's a spineless pr*ck, he didn't have the balls to end the relationship with you properly.

 

These type of relationships can really f*ck with your head and heart...you may think he's going to remain committed to you because he 'loves you, for YOU'...but the reality is : he wants a girlfriend who is accessible, guys aren't into 100% mental and emotional, and 0% physical.

 

My heart goes out to you, because I know how very much this hurts...

[new2dating]

Thank you so much, all of you - Hokey, Jellybean, Helena, Nelson. I really appreciate the advice you have given and I am thinking about all of your words.

 

Originally posted by jellybean

he wants a girlfriend who is accessible, guys aren't into 100% mental and emotional, and 0% physical.

My heart goes out to you, because I know how very much this hurts...

 

Thing is, I was not in this for an LDR. I never wanted one. I was willing to move there, for many reasons, one of which was to see if this relationship was viable IRL. I definitely never wanted a relationship that was always LD. I was willing to make this happen, IRL.

 

It is as if he is shutting the door before even EXPLORING the possibility of a RL relationship with me. It is this that I just do not understand - I cannot fathom it - especially after our correspondence.

 

Does this shed any more light on the situation?

 

Also, does anyone else have experience with sudden personality shifts like I have described?

 

thanks again all of you

 

(n2)

D

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by new2dating

Also, does anyone else have experience with sudden personality shifts like I have described?

 

(check your PM's new2dating - this is part of that - but it was long, so I'll put only part here)

 

Yep, I've been both the victim and the perpetrator. One is no easier than the other.

 

It looks like a sudden personality shift, but the part you missed was the long slow decline from his passionate feelings to his 'just friends' ones. Falling out of love is a slow process. Unfortunately the victim never realizes that its happening until its too late. A person who falls out of love does it willingly. They allow themselves to make an emotional break and they don't tell their partners about it because ultimately they don't want the relationship to work. They will allow you to see only the parts of the relationship you want to see and when the emotional break is complete, they do what seems abrupt: they drop the bomb on you. He is emotionless and cold to you because his emotional break is complete. It wasn't a sudden thing though - it took some time for him to get to the point where he could be like that. You just didn't get to see it in the process.

 

In this case, he just failed to mention that he began dropping the bomb on you probably some time ago.

[Pocky]

How long have you two had this LDR?

[new2dating]

Originally posted by Pocky

How long have you two had this LDR?

 

3 months

[magda]

I say definately cancel the trip. Have you actually met him in person before?

[new2dating]

Originally posted by magda

Have you actually met him in person before?

 

No.

[Pocky]

1. Should I still meet him?

2. If yes to 1, how should I approach the situation; view it?

3. Has any one had experience with this type of personality shift, and why it may come about?

 

 

Didn't realize you answered - ignore my pm.

 

Honestly, I don't think you you should meet him. If he's become so uncomfortable with the idea of you traveling there that he has begun to mistreat you, then I would say it would be a mistake on your part to go there. Forcing him to deal with his sudden rejection to you face-to-face, while it would certainly give you a definite answer, isn't the wisest choice considering you'll be in a foreign country.

 

I had an online relationship with a gentleman before and after a few months into the relationship (and we had decided I would move there) he suddenly stopped responding and began changing his mind. What it comes down to is when fantasy becomes reality, some people may realize that they're a little in over their head and the idea of having a relationship with someone they've never met before can be overwhelming.

 

I wouldn't say he completely misled you this entire time, but I'd say he didn't realize how serious the situation was getting and when he was confronted with the reality that you did in fact exist and had every intention of becoming a permanent part of his life, he realized what exactly had been happening in the last few months.

 

I'd have to say he got caught up in the emotion so-to-speak and wasn't really honest with either of you.

 

Personally, I'd let this one go, but if you continue the relationship, the next time you two plan to meet, he needs to come to you.

[new2dating]

Thank you all. It means a great deal to me that I can come to this "place" and receive such well formulated advice from people.

 

After reading your posts and talking things out with friends IRL, I'm more at peace with the situation now than I was when I first posted - I think I have gained a great deal of perspective.

 

I'll keep you all updated.

 

thanks again for all your words.

 

 

(n2)

D

[helena abadi]

i didn't realise you had never actually met this guy in the flesh before. it wasn't clear from your original post.

 

in that case, FORGET IT. it shouldn't be something you should even contemplate making a move for.

 

a totally online relationship is still essentially a fantasy, even tho strong feelings may be generated.

 

he's messing with your head.

 

he obviously thinks it's ok to play around online because it's a safe distance.

 

you are wasting your time on this.

[almathea]

How did this end up working out new?? Just curious in similar situiation....thanks!

[new2dating]

Originally posted by almathea

How did this end up working out new??

 

[written through fits of tears]

 

Since this relationship started on the LoveShack, its rather poetic that it end here too.

 

Catharsis

 

Some background:

 

We met here on the LoveShack.

 

It was electric at first. An undeniable, acute connection. We fell in love with each other. Marriage was proposed, and immigration seriously contemplated. For a time I thought of him as my fiancé; he referred to me as his “future bride”.

 

Then the first dagger was pierced into my heart: He had been chatting up another Shacker at the same time as carrying on with me. Of course I was devastated, as I thought I had really found someone with whom I shared a profound connectedness. After admitting his wrongdoings – no, that is too kind – his utter, callous, flagrant lying - , he “choose” me, as it were, and I, blinded by my love, forgave him. However, I did not insist that they, my SO and his correspondent, end their friendship. I felt it would have been wrong of me to make such demands.

 

Time went by, and communication continued, but something had definitely changed. Trust had been violated. However, I was willing to go ahead with the relationship and see if there was potential IRL. That is when I booked my ticket. He sounded thrilled and immediately took leave from work. We continued talking. My longing for him grew.

 

Intimate thoughts and actions were engaged in – recurrently.

 

Two weeks or so before my trip, dagger number two: he just wanted to be friends, no relationship. This to me was totally out of the blue, as whenever we had communicated prior, he would say how much he loved me – that it was amazing that he could miss someone without having even met them.

 

You know my feelings at that time – it is reflected in this post.

 

After I had read all your responses and talked with friends, I reevaluated things. I decided that a long distance relationship was madness. It is not something I wanted or want. I also thought about my actions with him and the relationship, and contemplated why I had acted so seemingly impulsively. I decided that I could not allow for a relationship – not over this distance. However, as I mentioned in the post, there was potential for my immigration back to my motherland. However, I honestly went on this trip with the mind set that I would meet him and hopefully rekindle our close friendship – which is how this whole affair started in the first place.

 

[Throughout this time I had been communicating with our mutual friend (the one he was chatting up at the beginning) and pouring my heart out to her – telling her my fears and angst about the LDR. He was doing the same.]

 

 

This is how my trip went:

 

I got off the plane and met family at the airport. I called him that evening. He had coincidentally received a package that I had sent him earlier, at the height of my feelings for him. He was nostalgic I think, having those old feelings come flooding back to him.

 

I met him the following day. My intentions with him were purely platonic. I wasn’t going to let myself go down that road towards relationship. Of course I wanted it in some ways, but intellectually knew it was out of the question – especially given his character flaws that reared themselves so extremely in several instances beforehand.

 

I believe there was significant chemistry. We talked for a few hours – he took my hand, held me; took my hand while we walked. Later that night, we held hands over dinner, looking at each other, not quite believing – contemplating the reality of actual flesh of the other between our fingers. Phrases like “if I do marry you…” were spoken by him.

 

On the way home, I ran my fingers through his hair, wanting to know what something I had dreamed of for so long felt like in reality. He mentioned his arousal. We stopped a few hundred yards from the house. He pulled me close, as if to kiss, but moved his cheek against mine, running his hands down my back. Then his lips moved over mine and we shared our first kiss. His lips were soft but his force intense and persistent. Things progressed to the point where he was rid of all his clothing, passionately kissing me. I pleasured him orally, and he manually for me. It was intimate and sensual, and in certain moments of intensity he called his private name for me, “My ….., my …..”.

 

We talked on the phone the following day. I could sense considerable change and awkwardness in his voice, and he admitted his apprehension about getting so physical with me. I told him not to fight what felt right.

 

The next day, we met again. I was exhausted and lay face down on his bed. I was not going to initiate – again my own choice. However, he got on top of me, reached under my shirt and unhooked my bra, and stared to massage my back. After some time, he asked me directly, “Do you want to make love?” I admitted I did, but was tired! However, he was persistent and we did make love. After we finished, his demeanor changed. He became irritable and disturbed. I asked what was wrong, urging him to talk his feelings out.

 

Dagger number three: he admitted he loved someone else – you guessed it – his other LS correspondent. Yes – right there as we lay naked together. I went numb; I couldn’t breath. There we were, lying naked in each other’s arms, his breath on my neck – and this. I extricated myself from his body and lay under the sheet – not knowing in what direction my head was spinning.

 

Its amazing the lies that were unraveled. Not only his lies – but hers! – the good Christian of high upstanding character – the person who pretended to be my friend – really used all my vulnerabilities – and his – to play us off each other for her own gain. Unreal. It all became so clear.

 

 

Again, blinded by almighty love, I forgave him.

 

 

I saw him again at the end of the week, as I was going to stay with him for the rest of my time there. That first night, we became intimate again. He was uneasy, wanting it physically, but not being able to cope mentally. As it turns out, she had threatened him – vowing never to speak to him again if he was intimate with me again.

 

In this long distance fantasy prison he had created, his mind was a slave to her, and she his mistress.

 

I could see the strings of psychological manipulation that she has strung around his neck – it was not only suffocating him – but denying us both. We spoke about reality – REALITY – what was real and what was before him now – at this moment. He began to see the sickness of what he had developed with her – this vile and unhealthy way she was controlling him from afar.

 

Again, we made love.

 

Throughout that week, we acted as a couple, holding hands, kissing. He made me breakfasts, we showered together, slept together, held hands and each other. Talked. He told me how he loved my face, “you have such a beautiful face….” Over the course of our time together, he admitted of his growing fondness of me – towards the end – of how he was going to hide my passport so I could never leave. We had some incredible experiences together – towards to end of the week, exchanging frequent “I love you’s” and other affections. He asked for uninterrupted time with me.

 

Of course, we made love a number more times, with various degrees of erotic experimentation. What fulfilled me the most, though, was that he came inside me – almost every time. He historically has never been able to cum inside a woman, but he did with me. Watching his face during orgasm was more intoxicating and sublime than anything I can imagine in recent memory. It was like catching a glimpse of the divine within him.

 

On our final morning together, he said this: “I know we say we are not having a relationship but that boundary seems blurry now…. I’m not really sure anymore … what I want.” On our way and at the airport, we would exchange bouts of crying; it was extremely emotional. We held each other until tightly until I had to leave. Tears were streaming down my face, and down his. Through his tears he said, “please – come to me in May”. Again, the final “I love you’s” and I had to leave. Leaving his arms was one of the hardest things I have had to do. I was so close to not letting go.

 

But I had to go. I walked through the boarding area. I never turn around. After years of tearful farewells from Father’s and Sister’s and Brother’s – I have learned to never turn around – its too painful. But I turned around. I mouthed, “I love you”. Then I turned to follow the route to leave my motherland.

 

* * *

 

Today, via phone:

 

“I don’t want a relationship with you.”

“I don’t see you as my girlfriend.”

“I don’t love you the same way you love me.”

[moimeme]

I'm sorry this happened. You have learned the hard way a few lessons that people need to learn. Unfortunately, they rarely listen when others caution them; they have to do it themselves.

 

1. You can't fall in love with a real human online. You can fall in love with what you know of someone, but that which you can glean in writing and on the phone is not the whole of the person. You can hope the rest of the person matches, but need to be very careful to not believe it does until you've spent enough time with the person to have proof.

 

2. Don't have sex with someone you've just met, even if you think you know him. It just muddles the picture and can make you think you're in love when you're just awash in sex-induced brain chemicals.

 

3. All relationships, whether IRL from the start or online are glowy the first three months. They can be glowy another three, particularly if they are at a distance. You need to know someone longer than that and in person before you should make any decisions about the rest of your life.

 

You know now what not to do next time. I'm just sorry you had to find it out by coming to grief. You'll be crushed for a while, but then you'll survive. Everyone does. And someone worthy of you will come along. Follow the same rules for people IRL and you'll be fine.

[startingover1028]

All I can say to you after reading your vivid description of what took place with him is...

...He must be 100% pure A-Hole to treat you this way.

 

I know your heart is broken and I feel for you. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

[SoleMate]

DO NOT MEET HIM.

 

He is a cruel, capricious man (we hope) who is effectively a stranger to you. Gosh, I am really being rude tonight, but how on earth could you possibly even begin to think that this is safe, appropriate, fun, respectable or in ANYWAY even to be considered? NO NO NO!!!!!!!

[almathea]

New...I really appreciate your relating your painful story...I know it was hard for you....I am in the midst of going through some painful issues with my situiation too...but thankfully your story gave me alot of prespective...and I am glad I trusted my instincts and didnt go ahead and use the ticket he bought me...because I think it would have caused me more pain and grief...because I too think he met someone else.....and it's painful and hard now....but it would be 10 times worse for me if I had gotten there and he had lead me on...only to drop me down again.....hang in there...I am still having a hard time too...so I understand what you are going through....to have someone tell you everything you have ever wanted to hear..and then them change on a dime...is the most painful thing.....if you ever need an ear...I am here for you....we will survive...I tell myself that everyday....just wanted to let you know your words and advice didnt fall on deaf ears....

[Merin]

Wow... stunning.

 

My heart goes out to you.. I remember awhile ago, actually quite awhile ago a story coming to LS regarding this. If this is the same one.. (and really even if it's not) this is not the way someone who even was a "Friend" should've treated you.

 

I do hope you begin to feel better soon..

 

Merin~

[bluetuesday]

yes merin, it's the same story.

 

but don't believe everything you read.

[Merin]

Originally posted by bluetuesday

yes merin, it's the same story.

 

but don't believe everything you read.

 

Ahh, I thought it might be..

 

3 Sides to every story, always.. his side, her side, and what actually happend.

 

I do wish the best to all 3 involved in the triangle with whatever decisions/choices are made.

 

Merin~