seeing someone who talks to his ex

[starrynight124]

For a few months now, I’ve been seeing Matt (not a real name). Matt is a few years older, and though at first there was no instant attraction from my side, I really respect him and with him time just goes by so fast when we talk and spend time together so it didn’t take long for me to start liking him. He seems put together, his career is going up, and he seems to genuinely care about people. He took care of me when I was sick, he volunteers at the Children’s Hospital, and he cares a lot about his friends. He inspires me to be better and taught me give and care without expecting anything back. In turn, I wanted to be someone who was always there for him, especially the more he opened himself up and showed how lonely he could be. In short, I was starting to fall in love with him.

But we both weren’t ready for a relationship. I’m in college; I want to focus in school, and figure out what I really want. About 7 months ago, I also just got over a 5-year relationship. He has also just gotten over a 6-year long distance relationship and also getting over a death of a close friend as well as focusing on his career. So we both agreed that we will hang out, have fun, take it a day at a time, not sleep with other people, and make time to go out and see a movie or go to lunch and just spend time with each other at least twice a week. I was ok with that, because I knew I really liked him but a full-blown relationship was just something we both weren’t ready for. We said we’d always be there for each other and see where it goes in time.

One morning, while he was working on his computer, I was playing a game on his phone (since he bought a licensed version), and a text popped up from his ex saying “I’m so sorry. I love you.” Being stupid and immensely curious, I clicked on it (I KNOW. Shame on me, I’,m beating myself up for it too) and saw that just a few days ago, he told her, “Please stop ignoring my calls. I love you. Fight for me. You’re losing me.”

And I have no idea what to say. I can’t ask him about it because I realy can’t admit that I was on his phone. But from what I know they’ve broken up 6 months ago since she lives at another state. Plus, we agreed no commitment, so I don’t even know if I have the right to ask. All I know is that because I have feelings for him (which he already sorta knows of), I’m so torn and frankly kind of hurt. I know that at the very least, my sense of respect for him compels me to be at least good friends, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

*

[devilish innocent]

I don't think you have anything to hide. It's not as though as you were purposefully snooping through his phone. You were playing a game and a message happened to pop up. You shouldn't have clicked on the text, but it's understandable that you'd be curious after you saw a message like that. Most people would have done the same.

 

It may be worth keeping your distance from him. He's stayed out of a relationship with you because things between him and the ex aren't over. In the meantime, it seems you've been expecting that down the line you would get together. It seems like a waste of your time. He may never be done with the ex. Even if he is, it will be a long time before he's ready for another relationship given the current state of things. Not to mention, the two of you could end up further involved while the ex is still in the picture. Then you would get hurt even worse than you got hurt this time. You say you want to be his friend, but the impression I'm getting is that you're seeing him as something more. It's not a good position for you to be in.