Social Isolation from Friendship and Love

[Raf90]

Well, Ill briefly introduce myself since there was no presentation thread.

Im a 23yo Italian, currently living and studying in London.

Very brief indeed, anyway, i write here as im kind of trying to somehow bypass all my fears and complexes that have been accompanying me for over a decade now, ill be writing a whole bunch of stuff as im not the type of writer that knows how to explain things briefly and neatly.

 

First of all, why did i say bypass and not win or extinguish? Well, to know why I need to explain abit of my past.

Since i was 12 i've been basically socially isolated from human interactions, and i dont mean that in a 'Oh no, at school nobody talks to me, nobody gets me', i mean it in a 'Siberia's Gulag Isolation Pit' type of way.

Clearly i never have been in a Siberian Gulag, and i kind of dont plan on ending up there, but i did study at home from the age of 12 and up to now, meaning that i missed all the possible friendships and relations i could have had while in middle and high school.

Not only that, due to my mothers work i travelled alot, we could say that from the age of 12 to now, i moved an average of once per year, which clearly made it impossible for me to make any lasting bonds with the very few people i got to meet (mostly neighbours and such).

So i never really had a real friend, my very last real friend was when i had 5-6 years and i was in kinder garden.

This clearly led me to finding alternative ways of having some kind of comunication, which then led me to becoming a full time gamer in massive multiplayer online games, that gaming phase is over now, but from age 16 to 20 i've basically been always home playing all day.

Well, even though the gaming phase is no more, im still sitting all day on the computer, this because what im studying is computer based (VFX).

I do try go out sometimes, but unfortunatly my philosophy is 'fun is fun when you can share it with someone', and this really is appliesd to everything for me, and since i have nobody at all to share things with (friends or girl) i just rather stay home.

 

This is only really a very brief summary, as theres lots of other smaller stuff aswell, but everything basically just stacked up and led up to me becoming what i am today, an antisocial, self-absorbed, egocentric, narcisist, introvert with massive social anxiety issues and full of other social complexes, and this is not just with the Ladies but with everyone in general.

Now to get more into detail about my personality and looks, im not completely lacking in social manners, i dont get any kind of weird tic's or act like a crazed chimpanzee if people suddenly speak to me, i mean, im actually very social once a conversation is on, im the kind of guy you can speak about everything, from Art, to cinema, to the weirdest stuff out there, i have an interest in everything, nor im the uglyest mutant monstrosity you will ever see, i mean, if you will see me walking down the street, you wont feel the need to hide your kids and run away in terror, i consider myself an average guy, who looks decently handsome under the correct lighting .

My problem is approaching people, i would never be the one to approach someone, whether its a friendly enviroment or a girl i like.

Im also very sensible to crowded places. When a place is crowded, and im not saying 'black friday style' crowded, im saying averagly crowded, i just go into kind of panic, this especially happens if i go to a place where Socialising is what you are 'expected' to do like Bars, nightclubs etc.

That is why i've never actually been to a nightclub, not even once, also you can count on one hand the times i've been into a pub/bar, mostly to attend 'social night' events, always ending up just sitting in the corner trying to pass unnoticed, even at the staff party from my former work this past summer, i just sat in the corner all night. I mean, there are exceptions, places where i dont feel too much anxiety even though the places are very crowded, but thats in places like Comic Con, where people Cosplay, i clearly dont cosplay, but the fact that people cosplay makes me feel in comfort, because everybody's attention will be on the cosplayers, minimizing the looks i might eventually get, or like the place i last worked, the London Zoo, even though its full of teens, kids and people my age, i didnt feel overly anxious, mainly because i saw everything as a job, and so i never went beyond thinking of anyone as more than Co-workers or Clients, which made it easier to fit in, i still did have my panic moments, but once i got to know the staff it got easier.

 

Now with the ladies my problem is enhanced even more, i mean, i have no troble at all speaking to a woman in a friendly way (that is either if i know her already or she approaches me, as i said, id never start a conversation with someone i dont know), i see men and women the same under a 'friendly conversation' light. But when it comes to flirting or just making the first move or even just talking in a friendly way to a girl im attracted to, i just panic and cease all my cerebral activities. The last time (and only time here in london) i've tried to talk to a girl i liked, it was at one of these social events i talked about, i went up to her and when i was to say 'hello' i just blocked, i couldnt breathe, i couldnt move, fortunately she didnt notice, as she was turned, so i just got back to my corner, then went home half an hour later.

And this was the closest i ever got to to speaking to a girl i liked, which is still half a victory i guess!

 

The more time passes, the more i see myself just floating away from Social life, every year i feel my fears taking over abit more, and rightfully since i have barely any social life at all.

 

The roots of my problems are planted deeper than most, and i simply dont know how to battle them, nor i dont know if i really want to battle them at all at this point.

I guess i know the answer is 'You have to get out of your confort zone etc', and i did try, with poor results, but i guess what im trying to find is that enlighting, life-changing post that will magically make me a sociable person, hence the 'bypass' word placement .

The saddest thing, i guess, is that im actually alright with being alone, i mean, i've been alone this past decade, so im used to it, i learned to cope with it, its just that i would also definetly like to experience friendship and love.

 

I just felt the need to share my story, in hope that someone with a similar story could just tell me their version and how they went through it.

 

Ps.Sorry about the abysmally long post