Did I cheat on my wife?

[Hazard17]

Hello everyone,

First of all, let me present myself. I am 24 years old, marred for more than 2 years. I come from a muslim country (of Europe ) with muslim traditions and unfortunately my country is not developed like Germany, France and so on.

 

Anyways, living in my own country was difficult because people are different and mind closed so to get married with a women of a different country and religion is kind of big deal and people keep speaking and look at you diferently. However I felt different and I met a beautiful girl from Italy and I was so happy to meet her in person. We enjoyed a week together and we had to meet again.

 

So we planned our life marriage, children and everything. Not to make a boring topic for months I lived with a decision in my head: to marry this girl and get on with people and even what my family think and leave my house and family for her, or to marry a girl of my country and live for others. Unfortunately, thinking about this for months I met a girl on internet ( I never met her, I never sow her, I never ever kissed or had sex with her), she was of my country and i was so stupind I started to think and speak love words and plans with her and I was reather decided to date her just tto make others and my family kind of happy. I was so stupid p, how could I do this. My girlfriend found her messages and she felt so bad, she hated me as she had done everything for us.

 

Anyways, I thought I broke up with her and after some months she called me back and I asked her to forgive me and she said yes, I was so happy and decided not to look back of what others can say, we got married and I moved with her in another country but now she keep telling me that she can't forgive me of what I did, of the love words I told to another girl. She feels cheated. Today she told me that she got married with me just to punish me for what I did to her and I dont know if I can beleive her or not but she swore on her father's heart ( he had a hear attack so I don't think she lied me?) that after what happened with us when we had broken up she went and had sex with another guy before marring me!!! I just can't go on anymore. I love her and I feel guilty.

 

I dont know how to make her love and trust me again. Was hard for me because I come from another culture. She is catholic and I am muslim. She doesn't understand this fact or just to think a bit how poor my country, stupid as well is. How people think and act. I know I was stupid not to decide by myself but also letting your country and family for a girl is not easy. She must understand this fact and the fact that I was jobless and I couldn't decide alone and even buy a train ticket.! I know I lied her sometimes but there were stupid lies, like smoke and so on. I told her how sorry I am and how much I love her but she tells me that I destroyed everything because we could be happy. I swear on my dead sister I never had sex with another. i would never do such a thing.

 

Please give me your opinion. I really appreciate it and sorry for my english but as you can see it is not my first language and I have never lived in any english speaking country. I just need help. Thanks a lot.

Edited January 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[Arieswoman]

Hello Hazard 17,

I understand, from what you say, that you are in a confusing situation.

 

You say you are a Muslim.

 

It is not be right for me to advise you as I am not from your culture. You must talk to someone who does understand your culture.

 

May I suggest you talk to your Imman who is qualified to advise you on these complex matters.

 

Good Luck.

[BlametheIrish]

You emotionally cheated on her which can be as devastating as physically cheating to some people. Did your wife have sex with that guy while you two were still together? If so then she cheated too.

You both need some marriage counseling your wife sounds very immature. Sleeping with someone for revenge then saying she married you just to punish you is really messed up. You are certainly not free of blame either. If she cant get over it on her own then she neefs tp talk to a professional. Stewing in her own anger does nothing to help either of you.

[Hazard17]

Hello Arieswoman and thank you very much for your time.

 

I have tried so many times to convince her to get help but she doesn't want either to make work our marriage or divorce one time and forever.

 

Hello BlametheIrish,

Thank you for your time as well.

She is really immature and physically abusive with me but although I love her and I am a good husband, I cook, clean and do everything I feel to give up and go back home but I am scared she would do something bad...so I feel so confused and don't know what to do.

 

PS: yesterday she told me that she had sex with another when she found out about the girl I spoke with. So we broke up for some months and during this period she did what she did. I don't know if I should believe or not. I feel so bad for years. I know it was stupid but I never minded to have sex with another and honestly this is not a punishment. Have been three years almost. A punishment could be something else but not a marriage. I am f****d

[d0nnivain]

I think you may have betrayed your wife's trust by speaking loving words to another women.

 

 

However if your wife had Sex with another man, she definitely cheated on you.

[syz]

You betrayed her, plain and simple, you had an emotional affair or led another girl on at a minimum to appease your family at the expense of the girl you loved. Then you broke up with her on top of it. During this time you were broken up she had sex with someone else (which really isn't any of your business) since you weren't together at all. Then she told you this to hurt you after you were married. What she did in the way she told you wasn't nice but it isn't cheating though it may feel crappy. I can only guess she slept with that other guy because she was in a lot of pain and was looking for validation, it's very likely she didn't do it to get back at you. She only told you about it to hurt you in some small way the way you've hurt her. Though I'm sure it hardly has the same impact or meaning with regards to betrayal.

 

In spite of the cultural differences the same rules about cheating and betrayal apply. She isn't over what you did. It hasn't been enough time. How you handle it may make or break your marriage. You both sound young and I think therapy is a very good idea. All you can do is be remorseful and consistent and when she lashes out apologize for how badly you've hurt her and tell her you want to be her husband. You haven't said how long ago this all happened but it sounds like its within a year framework and I'd guess your wife is still in the rage stage if she is verbally lashing out at you. I would simply redirect when she does that and say I know I've hurt you and I'm so sorry. Because really it is just her pain talking. I'm not saying it is okay to verbally abuse you however.

Edited January 3, 2014 by syz

[Hazard17]

I think you may have betrayed your wife's trust by speaking loving words to another women.

 

 

However if your wife had Sex with another man, she definitely cheated on you.

 

We date for some months before she discovered it, we were not married and after that she went back home and told me about having sex with another man. She told me that almost three years after we got married.

[Hazard17]

You betrayed her, plain and simple, you had an emotional affair or led another girl on at a minimum to appease your family at the expense of the girl you loved. Then you broke up with her on top of it. During this time you were broken up she had sex with someone else (which really isn't any of your business) since you weren't together at all. Then she told you this to hurt you after you were married. What she did in the way she told you wasn't nice but it isn't cheating though it may feel crappy. I can only guess she slept with that other guy because she was in a lot of pain and was looking for validation, it's very likely she didn't do it to get back at you. She only told you about it to hurt you in some small way the way you've hurt her. Though I'm sure it hardly has the same impact or meaning with regards to betrayal.

 

In spite of the cultural differences the same rules about cheating and betrayal apply. She isn't over what you did. It hasn't been enough time. How you handle it may make or break your marriage. You both sound young and I think therapy is a very good idea. All you can do is be remorseful and consistent and when she lashes out apologize for how badly you've hurt her and tell her you want to be her husband. You haven't said how long ago this all happened but it sounds like its within a year framework and I'd guess your wife is still in the rage stage if she is verbally lashing out at you. I would simply redirect when she does that and say I know I've hurt you and I'm so sorry. Because really it is just her pain talking. I'm not saying it is okay to verbally abuse you however.

 

Thank you very much.

 

So we were dating for about 4 months when she found it out. The other girl I was speaking loving words I dated for about two months. I was 21 when we started dating while she had 25. After two months of breaking up we decided to give another tey and soon after we got married. Now have been almost three years since we got married and she is still the same. Still in pain.

 

I am really sorry for what I did and right now I feel so bad, crying, I wish I could be back in time but my ambient, people around me influenced all this mess. She is so beautiful and I would never try to find a girl that is more beautiful than her. On my eyes she is the most beautiful girn in this world. I wouldn't do it for money neither.

 

I don't know why I did listen to the others. As I explained, I start dating the other girl but of course I was not loving her. Intensionaly I started with her because I couldn't meet her in person. So I already had in mind not to really cheat but now it looks like that even though I never met her.

 

God bless you.

[Poppygoodwill]

It takes two to tango, as we say. Which means you can't save this marriage on your own.

 

She may be hurt, she may be angry, she may be immature. You both cheated, okay, and time has passed and still it is not solved.

 

She must also be willing to talk and seek assistance to find a way through this mess or else your marriage will fail.

 

You sound very unhappy. She sounds very unhappy. I think you must make a proposal to her: either you seek marriage therapy together or you will leave.

 

Either she wants to save the marriage, or she doesn't. You will find out very quickly.