megamommy Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 So, my married man and I have taken things to the physical level and it has been great. We had time where he was out of state working and we didn't have to hide what we were doing. He openly admitted that he has been thinking of leaving his wife, that he loved me and he wants to continue until the baby is born and he will be ready to leave after that. Well my ex came into town over the holidays, managed to get ahold of my phone while I was sleeping, get into my facebook and read my messages to the married man. Very private, risque messages. My ex has the married mans phone number because he called my phone and apparently on sprint you can see the persons name AND number on a call log, which my ex has been checking daily since the day I left. My ex called the married man, leaving a message simply saying to leave me alone. The married man now says he needs some space to feel normal again before we can talk, that it was just way too close but we are fine, we are good friends and he wants me in his life he just wants the dust to settle. Now I'm at a loss, because I have no idea how to handle it. Is it no contact for good and he's lying, or is it no contact temporarily. How does that even work?? UGH Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Why is your ex checking your call logs if he is your "Ex"? That doesn't make any sense. And why are you tolerating it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author megamommy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Ah, that's a fun one to explain. My phone is on my ex's account, it is in his name and he currently pays the bill for me. He refuses to buy out the contract for me, and I just moved home (out of state) and don't have a job as I am going to school, so I can't afford to buy it out myself. There for he believes he has the right to check it, it's an obsession for him because he refuses to let me go. We have a child together so I have to deal with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author megamommy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Honestly I dont blame the MM at all. What kind of "ex" is at ur house while ur seeping? And has continued access to ur phone? I mean, he has no room to be jealous since he's married, but u brought this on urself. If u want a real relationship wuth someone, yiu dont hang out with an ex overnite. Sounds like a lot of childish drama, that he probly wants nothing tobe a part of. Aside from that, I think you're naive to believe he'll leave his W after the baby is born (youre pregnant I gather?) Nothing but typical MM lies and empty promises. I wouldnt get your hopes up, and would plan on being a single mom. Dont mean to sound harsh, just telling it to you straight. My ex stayed with my family during the holidays, and I was taking a nap with our daughter when he cam in to get her. I don't have my hopes up for anything other than him giving me closure, which I know he will because we have been friends for such a long long time. I am not pregnant haha his wife is. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I don't have an answer as to what his intentions are. I know how crazy making it is though, and how important it is right now for you to take a step back and breathe. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoaster Rider Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 So, my married man and I have taken things to the physical level and it has been great. We had time where he was out of state working and we didn't have to hide what we were doing. He openly admitted that he has been thinking of leaving his wife, that he loved me and he wants to continue until the baby is born and he will be ready to leave after that. Well my ex came into town over the holidays, managed to get ahold of my phone while I was sleeping, get into my facebook and read my messages to the married man. Very private, risque messages. My ex has the married mans phone number because he called my phone and apparently on sprint you can see the persons name AND number on a call log, which my ex has been checking daily since the day I left. My ex called the married man, leaving a message simply saying to leave me alone. The married man now says he needs some space to feel normal again before we can talk, that it was just way too close but we are fine, we are good friends and he wants me in his life he just wants the dust to settle. Now I'm at a loss, because I have no idea how to handle it. Is it no contact for good and he's lying, or is it no contact temporarily. How does that even work?? UGH Sounds to me like he may be stepping back because, it came to close to his life at home?? Possibly fear your EX may contact his wife?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 The first thing you can do is get a new phone that your Ex has no control over. As far as the married man is concerned, all you should be concerned with is your child and filing paternity. He "openly admitted" to THINKING about leaving his wife!?!?! Don't hold your breath. Actions speak louder than words and until he shows up on your doorstep with a divorce decree, don't believe anything he says. Just start taking care of yourself and what you have control over. Obviously, you have no control over the actions or reactions of others. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Ah, that's a fun one to explain. My phone is on my ex's account, it is in his name and he currently pays the bill for me. He refuses to buy out the contract for me, and I just moved home (out of state) and don't have a job as I am going to school, so I can't afford to buy it out myself. There for he believes he has the right to check it, it's an obsession for him because he refuses to let me go. We have a child together so I have to deal with him. Have you considered getting your own plan? There are a lot of inexpensive options now. You can get a phone without a contract that way he won't have access. Link to post Share on other sites
Author megamommy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Sounds to me like he may be stepping back because, it came to close to his life at home?? Possibly fear your EX may contact his wife?? My ex won't be contacting anyone again, the married man wasn't the only one he called, he called all of my male friends who's numbers showed up on the call log. I understand the MM side of things very much, I just miss my friend and am starting to have alot of guilt about our friendship going in the romantic direction instead of just being a supportive friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author megamommy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 The first thing you can do is get a new phone that your Ex has no control over. As far as the married man is concerned, all you should be concerned with is your child and filing paternity. He "openly admitted" to THINKING about leaving his wife!?!?! Don't hold your breath. Actions speak louder than words and until he shows up on your doorstep with a divorce decree, don't believe anything he says. Just start taking care of yourself and what you have control over. Obviously, you have no control over the actions or reactions of others. My daughter is and always will be my number one priority. Paternity has been taken care of, that is not of this issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author megamommy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Have you considered getting your own plan? There are a lot of inexpensive options now. You can get a phone without a contract that way he won't have access. I actually have a separate phone that I use for the MM only. He hasn't called my phone on the ex's plan in over a month, so it was old news that he had called. My ex was just holding on to it as a reason to start some drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Me thinks your ex does not think he's an ex he thinks he's a current. Link to post Share on other sites
Author megamommy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 His wife being pregnant is pretty much a guatantee he is not going to leave anytime soon. The scummiest cheaters are the ones who cheat when their wife is pregnant. I have such a hard time seeing how someone can admire a man who does that. As for the ex and the phone, again this falls solely on you which is why I understand the MM wanting to take a step back. You are free to get another phone with service under ykur own name. So its you that are keeping that tie to your ex. I dont care how much it costs, I personally wouldnt tolerate my ex having access to my phone. Get a prepaid, and cease using the one tied to your ex. At anyrate, the MM will be back around, on his owm timeline. Personally if my BF needed time off for awhile, Im not sure Id be waiting around for him at his beck and call. I think you deserve better and have to make that happen yourself by taking control. Thank you for your words. I know he won't leave any time soon, I have this feeling that their marriage won't last, whether we end up together or not. He has already told her that if things don't change (the lack of affection, sex, her hiding 90% of her income from him) he will leave. The 2nd child was planned, because she begged and pleaded for another, he wasn't ready for it. I do have a separate phone, on my own account. The ONLY reason I keep the phone on my ex's is so that he has a number he can contact his daughter at, he has no idea I have a separate phone. The MM and I ONLY contact each other via facebook or my private line. The funny thing is I almost feel all of this was supposed to happen in some strange way. MM and I have been talking about taking a break for some time, we keep saying "lets give it a couple of weeks and see how we feel" "we both need to figure out what it is we truly want out of all of this" "we need to figure out our emotions", yet one of us always caves. This time around I will not be doing the caving, if he wants me in his life it will be so. I have no plans of waiting on him, or trying to be with him until I finish getting my degree, I have 3 1/2 years to go. THAT and my daughter are my ONLY areas of focus right now. The harsh reality is that he may or may not leave, she may or may not find out and may or may not kick him to the curb. Also, our passion for one another, which has been ongoing for 12 years now, has potentially ruined a beautiful friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author megamommy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Me thinks your ex does not think he's an ex he thinks he's a current. You hit the nail on the head. My ex refuses to believe we are done, I packed my bags, loaded my car and moved 850 miles away from him. I have told him clear as day that we have no future together. He refuses to believe it. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 His wife is due to have a baby soon? You are flying too close to the sun. Your ex has dropped you in it. Unless you are encouraging your ex to view your private life, he is a bit creepy. Married man is not going to take the risk of his wife finding out, though if he has been playing away quite so casually it's bound to happen. Both of you are taking enormous risks. He's unlikely to leave his wife if she has a baby. Is this his first child? If so, he's showing you just how little fidelity and loyalty you can expect from him in the future, should you continue to play with this guy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author megamommy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 His wife is due to have a baby soon? You are flying too close to the sun. Your ex has dropped you in it. Unless you are encouraging your ex to view your private life, he is a bit creepy. Married man is not going to take the risk of his wife finding out, though if he has been playing away quite so casually it's bound to happen. Both of you are taking enormous risks. He's unlikely to leave his wife if she has a baby. Is this his first child? If so, he's showing you just how little fidelity and loyalty you can expect from him in the future, should you continue to play with this guy. I am aware of how close I have gotten, and I know that this break of sorts needs to happen. My ex dropped me in a pile of dog poop. My ex is extremely creepy, when we first split I was forced to file a temporary restraining order because of all of this. The MM and I are taking huge risks, and sometimes I wonder if it's what he wants. But he side steps...he is a cancer, I'm not sure if you are into astrology or not. But that's what they do. The give give give then pull away out of fear, they test people. Alot of time when they are unhappy in a relationship they look for someone else before leaving as well. This is not their first child, it is their second, and he wasn't ready to have another one but she begged. I don't believe in the "once a cheater always a cheater" line. I think it's circumstantial for some people, others it's an addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Has he had affairs before? He sounds like the sort who could be a serial cheater and who takes things to the limit in the unconscious hope that his wife finds out and reassures him she wants him. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I am aware of how close I have gotten, and I know that this break of sorts needs to happen. My ex dropped me in a pile of dog poop. My ex is extremely creepy, when we first split I was forced to file a temporary restraining order because of all of this. The MM and I are taking huge risks, and sometimes I wonder if it's what he wants. But he side steps...he is a cancer, I'm not sure if you are into astrology or not. But that's what they do. The give give give then pull away out of fear, they test people. Alot of time when they are unhappy in a relationship they look for someone else before leaving as well. This is not their first child, it is their second, and he wasn't ready to have another one but she begged. I don't believe in the "once a cheater always a cheater" line. I think it's circumstantial for some people, others it's an addiction. Agree with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 ...How do you know what she does with her/their income? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 For safe measure, I would consider it no contact for good, if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I am aware of how close I have gotten, and I know that this break of sorts needs to happen. My ex dropped me in a pile of dog poop. My ex is extremely creepy, when we first split I was forced to file a temporary restraining order because of all of this. The MM and I are taking huge risks, and sometimes I wonder if it's what he wants. But he side steps...he is a cancer, I'm not sure if you are into astrology or not. But that's what they do. The give give give then pull away out of fear, they test people. Alot of time when they are unhappy in a relationship they look for someone else before leaving as well. This is not their first child, it is their second, and he wasn't ready to have another one but she begged. I don't believe in the "once a cheater always a cheater" line. I think it's circumstantial for some people, others it's an addiction. that's strange (regarding the bolded part). Why would someone agree to a child if they are on the brink of leaving? I'm sorry (again), but that doesn't make any sense either. I think he is one confused individual or he has you so sucked in that you can't see the forest through the trees. Maybe reading here will help you begin to see some common patterns? I don't know, but this isn't adding up. Sorry if that doesn't sound supportive. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author megamommy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 LOL that's totally ok! He's incredibly confused! I think he started dating her again and felt all of the feelings he felt when he was younger. They jumped into their marriage rather quickly. He said they had discussed having antoher child in the future, and that he really had no thoughts of leaving until he actually started talking to someone (me) about the problems they had. He never opened up to people about it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author megamommy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 That's because I do. I have known him for 12 years, and I have NEVER known him to be a liar. He tells me the good with the bad, he never bashes her. We just talk, like friends do. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author megamommy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Anyone can lie...it doesn't mean he is in fact lying to me. He has no reason to. After 12 years of friendship he knows he can trust me to not go running to his wife if he chooses to end it, and he knows he doesn't have to lie to keep me around. Even if I ended everything, we would still be in eachothers lives some how. Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 That's because I do. I have known him for 12 years, and I have NEVER known him to be a liar. He tells me the good with the bad, he never bashes her. We just talk, like friends do. That's all. Please read some of the other, older posts by fOW...I dont think people here are trying to bully you but have seen these signs of textbook lying MM. There are several who were friends with the mm for years...sometimes decades even, and mm still strung them along. I think if you can find and read those threads then you can understand a bit more about where these posts are coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts