peruano99 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 If it's a way to be with the person you love for a long time, can't you just do that in a relationship? It's just a piece of paper. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 There is no point in you personally getting married if you don't see a point in it. /thread 8 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 There is no point in you personally getting married if you don't see a point in it. /thread Ditto. But to respond: marriage means different things to people. The legal aspect is but one aspect. I find it odd that people like to throw around the "piece of paper" aspect about marriage yet don't bat an eyelid at the fact that every child needs a piece of paper to show they're born, you get a piece of paper that says you're allowed to drive, a piece of paper that says you have amassed a certain set of skills at a certain institution etc. Almost no one would argue in those cases that all birth is is just a piece of paper or that whatever the legal aspect signifies is all there is to it, yet with marriage this is constantly brought up. Marriage to some people may be for business and so the piece of paper is significant, for others it is a spiritual union, for others legal recognition and public recognition of their union is important and for others having kids within the legal confines of a marriage makes sense. If people do not want to be married though, they shouldn't be and no one is forcing it on anyone. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Having been divorced my views have changed somewhat. It's not just a piece of paper, it's a legally binding contract with some serious repercussions, that is extremely difficult and expensive to get out of. Would I do it again... maybe... but only if there were some actual quantifiable legal or financial reasons for doing so, not just because it's the "next stage in the relationship" or some kind of romantic gesture or proof of love or anything like that. For example if I wanted to have kids then it may be advantageous. Actually that example is the only reason I can think of. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author peruano99 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Maybe it's because I am young, but I will not think about getting married UNLESS I meet a really wonderful person who I feel I could share the rest of my life with. Link to post Share on other sites
SnapCracklePop Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I guess that for those who do not see the point of marriage, it is just a piece of paper. Personally I do not regard marriage as a piece of paper, but at the same time a marriage brings nothing more to a relationship that should not be there already. Any "magic", commitment, feelings, etc. should already be there. Marriage should change nothing between the spouses, and if you are expecting to feel something more I do think you will be disappointed. I do like how MissBee described it as a public recognition. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm tired to just be the girlfriend for his family. I want to be taken seriously, to notify them through marriage that this is it, I am the one he decided to marry and he won't break up with me and find someone else. I only hope this way they will respect me more. I will count on family's decisions and I will be (more) able to express my opinion. His family will realize their boy is now a man and he gets to live his own life as he wants it, they don't get to get involved in his life anymore. For my family also, I won't be the girlfriend who just lives with her boyfriend anymore. I will be the respected wife. People will acknowledge us as a couple rather than "him and her". I will be Mrs X for everyone rather than X's girlfriend, and this matters to me cause I want to be respected. In my country this matters to people. I want my kids to be respected as well as a "product of marriage". Don't get me wrong. I hate marriage. I believe it's just a way to "satisfy" the society, and I'd be damned if I'd care for what the damn society wants. BUT when you play the game, you are gonna need to follow the rules. Lets hope all these things will happen when I get married Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Having been married and buying that simple marriage license at the Honolulu Dept of Health and having our official and we sign it, it was the simplest and most inexpensive form of obtaining a whole basketful of legal rights and privileges, along with formalizing, socially, in a social circle which places substantial social value on marriage, our commitment to each other for the long-term. I didn't think of it that precisely way at the time, rather that I loved my exW and wanted to marry her, and that was 'the point', but came to understand the specifics more clearly later. When such unions don't work out, unwinding them can load up the costs at the back end, so it can work out in any number of ways, relative to 'what's the point'. Depends on the people involved. My last 'point' is that it (getting married) taught a number of valuable life lessons that no prior LTR taught, both in the realm of intimate relations as well as legal partnerships. The tuition was expensive but the results worth it. Armed with that knowledge, I have no fear of marriage and such legal, social and emotional commitments. Lastly, and somewhat surprisingly, verbalizing that perspective apparently is quite effective in keeping potential partners at bay, supporting the OP's apparent assertion that, increasingly, people, at least those in my demographic, prefer relationships without 'the paper', if at all. Perhaps the marriage brigade is on the wane and my friends, many married three or more decades, will be the last soldiers in the battle to preserve the social and legal institution. Hard to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm tired to just be the girlfriend for his family. I want to be taken seriously, to notify them through marriage that this is it, I am the one he decided to marry and he won't break up with me and find someone else. I only hope this way they will respect me more. I will count on family's decisions and I will be (more) able to express my opinion. His family will realize their boy is now a man and he gets to live his own life as he wants it, they don't get to get involved in his life anymore. For my family also, I won't be the girlfriend who just lives with her boyfriend anymore. I will be the respected wife. People will acknowledge us as a couple rather than "him and her". I will be Mrs X for everyone rather than X's girlfriend, and this matters to me cause I want to be respected. In my country this matters to people. I want my kids to be respected as well as a "product of marriage". Don't get me wrong. I hate marriage. I believe it's just a way to "satisfy" the society, and I'd be damned if I'd care for what the damn society wants. BUT when you play the game, you are gonna need to follow the rules. Lets hope all these things will happen when I get married Please note that marriage does not necessarily, in any way, exhaust these issues. You can have the same dynamics, power struggles, and conflict issues whether you walk down the aisle or not. How they treat him and by association you, are about the boundaries that he has allowed. Having married a "momma's boy" I promise you marrying him didn't change the fact that someone still wanted to walk all over him and he would let them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Please note that marriage does not necessarily, in any way, exhaust these issues. You can have the same dynamics, power struggles, and conflict issues whether you walk down the aisle or not. How they treat him and by association you, are about the boundaries that he has allowed. Having married a "momma's boy" I promise you marrying him didn't change the fact that someone still wanted to walk all over him and he would let them. You are very very right and thank you for your words, I'm aware of this fact and I know that he will forever be the person who just wants to have everyone pleased, sometimes on the expense of his and my happiness. But I just hope that after the wedding, if I need to express some different opinion, my opinion will matter and be respected more than it does now. Now I just feel I can't interfere, non of my business. When I'm the wife I will have more of the right to do so and lead things the way I want them, always trying to have my man and me satisfied (I mean, don't think that I will try to get advantage of him or take his money etc, what some wives do after the wedding). Link to post Share on other sites
Author peruano99 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm tired to just be the girlfriend for his family. I want to be taken seriously, to notify them through marriage that this is it, I am the one he decided to marry and he won't break up with me and find someone else. I only hope this way they will respect me more. I will count on family's decisions and I will be (more) able to express my opinion. His family will realize their boy is now a man and he gets to live his own life as he wants it, they don't get to get involved in his life anymore. For my family also, I won't be the girlfriend who just lives with her boyfriend anymore. I will be the respected wife. People will acknowledge us as a couple rather than "him and her". I will be Mrs X for everyone rather than X's girlfriend, and this matters to me cause I want to be respected. In my country this matters to people. I want my kids to be respected as well as a "product of marriage". Don't get me wrong. I hate marriage. I believe it's just a way to "satisfy" the society, and I'd be damned if I'd care for what the damn society wants. BUT when you play the game, you are gonna need to follow the rules. Lets hope all these things will happen when I get married I don't understand you hate marriage but want to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 If you don't want to bother with marriage, then don't. But do not insult marriage or dismiss it as just a piece of paper. It is not. I have legal protections that someone in a shack up situation does not. If my husband is ill or God Forbid, dies, I have control over his care and funeral arrangements, not his family of origin and unless he specifies otherwise in a will, I have possession of his things and his money and insurance proceeds, which also protects our children. Marriage is a sign of commitment to others. I am not merely a shack up honey or gf. I am part of the family. Now, can you have legal protection without marriage? Sure. Just check with any attorney about wills, POA, etc. You can also be committed without marriage. But do not insult others' decisions just because you may feel differently. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I don't understand you hate marriage but want to get married. I explained why I want to get married. I want his family to respect me and not treat me as "another girlfriend who he may break up tomorrow with" anymore. I hate marriage but society demands it to be respected (at least in my country). Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Maybe it's because I am young, but I will not think about getting married UNLESS I meet a really wonderful person who I feel I could share the rest of my life with. I think that 100% of people I know believed that on their wedding day. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Debanked Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) You both make a promise (vows) to each other in front of your family and friend's. Those people come to witness the promise, not just to give gifts and party. It's a really big deal when you think of it. How many other chances in life do you get to take center stage for something so beautiful and significant? See the value in that? Beyond the wedding you have your ring as a reminder and the promise in your heart. How you live, act and honor the promise after the wedding is the true test of your character. Edited January 3, 2014 by Debanked Spelling 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Maybe it's because I am young, but I will not think about getting married UNLESS I meet a really wonderful person who I feel I could share the rest of my life with. I think that's the idea... I wouldn't advise anyone to marry any random person just to say they're married. I have no intention of marrying anyone unless they are indeed a wonderful person and meet the criteria I have for who I'd like to spend my life with and have children with. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 You are very very right and thank you for your words, I'm aware of this fact and I know that he will forever be the person who just wants to have everyone pleased, sometimes on the expense of his and my happiness. But I just hope that after the wedding, if I need to express some different opinion, my opinion will matter and be respected more than it does now. Now I just feel I can't interfere, non of my business. When I'm the wife I will have more of the right to do so and lead things the way I want them, always trying to have my man and me satisfied (I mean, don't think that I will try to get advantage of him or take his money etc, what some wives do after the wedding). I both understand you and Got It's point. I get what you're saying, people see gf's as more disposable than wives. Wives seem more like a permanent fixture with "rights" than a gf does, and if his family sees you as the flavor of the moment they may have less inclination to treat you well than if you're married, which is a stronger signifier that you're around for the long haul. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peruano99 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 If you don't want to bother with marriage, then don't. But do not insult marriage or dismiss it as just a piece of paper. It is not. I have legal protections that someone in a shack up situation does not. If my husband is ill or God Forbid, dies, I have control over his care and funeral arrangements, not his family of origin and unless he specifies otherwise in a will, I have possession of his things and his money and insurance proceeds, which also protects our children. Marriage is a sign of commitment to others. I am not merely a shack up honey or gf. I am part of the family. Now, can you have legal protection without marriage? Sure. Just check with any attorney about wills, POA, etc. You can also be committed without marriage. But do not insult others' decisions just because you may feel differently. I don't recall insulting people who are getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I both understand you and Got It's point. I get what you're saying, people see gf's as more disposable than wives. Wives seem more like a permanent fixture with "rights" than a gf does, and if his family sees you as the flavor of the moment they may have less inclination to treat you well than if you're married, which is a stronger signifier that you're around for the long haul. People here typically use 'partner' to denote long-term, serious Rs, be they married or not - they are also legally considered equivalent to spouses in many aspects of the law. I guess it really depends on the culture and legalities where you live. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 To me, and other people, it is an insult to call marriage "just a piece of paper". Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 To me, and other people, it is an insult to call marriage "just a piece of paper". To me it's an insult to assume that those with a piece of paper are more committed or have a more special bonding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author peruano99 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 People can have a special bonding and love each other whether they are married or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 To me, and other people, it is an insult to call marriage "just a piece of paper". If you didn't have the piece of paper would your commitment end? Would you be unfaithful? Would you stop loving and supporting one another? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 To me it's an insult to assume that those with a piece of paper are more committed or have a more special bonding. It's personal. I feel that my relationship had a bigger commitment after marriage, and a stronger bond. Since we value marriage, if we had chosen not to marry, it would have been because we didn't want that commitment. Or decision to marry or not marry has meaning. That doesn't mean another couple can't have a commitment just as strong without the legal marriage, particularly if the legality is meaningless to them. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 It's personal. I feel that my relationship had a bigger commitment after marriage, and a stronger bond. Since we value marriage, if we had chosen not to marry, it would have been because we didn't want that commitment. Or decision to marry or not marry has meaning. That doesn't mean another couple can't have a commitment just as strong without the legal marriage, particularly if the legality is meaningless to them. I agree. I'm an advocate of marriage, for me, for the reasons I married. I don't find it insulting for someone to call it just a piece of paper, it doesn't invalidate my marriage. It's more than a piece of paper for me, but meaningless to them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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