Lady2163 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I did this question months ago. I'd like to ask people make every attempt not to judge those who answer, please. I am OW, single in a seven year long distance friendship with a MM. I prefer the word friendship to relationship since we don't have romantic love feelings for each other. I had never called it a relationship until i started posting on here. We like each other, we have affection, but he is not leaving his wife and I'm not asking him to. We've never had a dday and last time suspicions were raised through texting was over 3.5 years ago. I tried to end it by avoidance of physical contact (remember is is long distamce) and massive dating and searching on OLD for someone single in my area. I'd like to end it for his sake, so he won't be damaged because of his actions with me. I'm pretty sure he won't have another affair once I'm gone. I made it 12 weeks before my hormones just did havoc to my personality. I debated on a maintenance screw, with anyone available, but shy away from that. Okay, I sort of made the attempt at a swingers party and I couldnt get aroused. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WrinkledForehead Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm a former OW, 3 months past a 6 month affair. We are together. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I did this question months ago. I'd like to ask people make every attempt not to judge those who answer, please. I am OW, single in a seven year long distance friendship with a MM. I prefer the word friendship to relationship since we don't have romantic love feelings for each other. I had never called it a relationship until i started posting on here. We like each other, we have affection, but he is not leaving his wife and I'm not asking him to. We've never had a dday and last time suspicions were raised through texting was over 3.5 years ago. I tried to end it by avoidance of physical contact (remember is is long distamce) and massive dating and searching on OLD for someone single in my area. I'd like to end it for his sake, so he won't be damaged because of his actions with me. I'm pretty sure he won't have another affair once I'm gone. I made it 12 weeks before my hormones just did havoc to my personality. I debated on a maintenance screw, with anyone available, but shy away from that. Okay, I sort of made the attempt at a swingers party and I couldnt get aroused. Hi Lady, Hope you don't mind elaborating. But if you guys are just friends without romantic attraction why is it a secret and why do you consider yourself his OW? In my own life I have been with 2 men who were in relationships. One for me was an A/relationship and the other wasn't. The one that wasn't was purely a FWB type of deal. I was sexually attracted to him and we were cool but I didn't have romantic feelings for him and didn't treat him like a bf. I'm trying to understand your position. Is it that you don't have romantic feelings for him but you have sexual feelings? Do you treat him like a bf or like a regular friend? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
ElectricTangerine Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Single and no longer the OW, broke up with xMM a month ago (year and a half in a committed relationship). We were long distance too, but it felt like a real relationship to me from day 1. Frequent visits, very loving, plans for future... I entered the relationship because he said he was done with his marriage, separated and will divorce in due time. Sadly, it turned out he wasn't separated at the time, and once he did move out he took no real steps towards a divorce, despite lying that he did. It was all just minor adjustments. He was too afraid to take any real action. I am NC now and have no desire to break it. Still thinking A LOT about the relationship. Trying to move past it and analysing every detail why a long term relationship with this man wouldn't work. Seeing things without the love fog. Making damn sure I never ever repeat the same mistakes - both mine and his. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady2163 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 No, I don't mind elaborating. He's married. His wife would not be happy with the fact he is having sex with another woman. They do not have an open relationship. So it is a secret. Since I am not his wife, I called myself the OW. We talk probably four days a week. We see each other maybe 6 times a year - it depends. We exchange birthday and Christmas presents. We do nice things for each other. I do the same with my close friends and family. One time I said to him, "other than me, who is your closest friend?". He started to describe his college roommate and what that friendship entails. Later I teased him, "you didn't argue with me when I said that..." So, we are FWBs? Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm a single OW in a R with a mm for 10 months...PA and EA...I have initiated NC once that lasted for about a week and what everyone on here says is so true...it's way harder to go back to NC once you've broken it. Our relationship is highly emotional...we are very connected..the physical side, while amazing, isn't what keeps either of us here...we see each other more than most openly together couples he has been married almost 20 years and maintains that he isn't in love with his wife. He has love for her but not in a romantic sense. We have never had a dday, although in the summer she found some text messages and questioned him however he explained it away. We both think she may be doing the same thing however there's no proof...mostly I think this because she doesn't seem to care what he does...coming in late, going out all the time, he really comes and goes as he wants with very little explanation to her. He's never said he's leaving but he's said he wants to spend his life with me he just doesn't know how to get to that point. I've told him I'm not waiting around and being the bandaid on his marriage. So today, we are both struggling. I know that it needs to end for a multitude of reasons but can't pull the plug. I also know he won't ever end it...while he says this is not cake eating for him (in his opinion cake eating would just be sleeping with someone while still having your family life..but because he's deeply in love with me it's painful) anyways, I really need some help making a game plan to get out. Something I can stick to. Note: it's early and I didn't proof read lol Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 No, I don't mind elaborating. He's married. His wife would not be happy with the fact he is having sex with another woman. They do not have an open relationship. So it is a secret. Since I am not his wife, I called myself the OW. We talk probably four days a week. We see each other maybe 6 times a year - it depends. We exchange birthday and Christmas presents. We do nice things for each other. I do the same with my close friends and family. One time I said to him, "other than me, who is your closest friend?". He started to describe his college roommate and what that friendship entails. Later I teased him, "you didn't argue with me when I said that..." So, we are FWBs? Oh. I missed the part where you said you guys had sex. I thought you had said that you were long distance and just spoke to each other and texted but there was no romantic feelings, hence I was confused at how you could be the OW. Thanks for clarifying! Well if you don't have romantic feelings for him then it is friends with benefits I suppose. My A relationship was an A and a relationship because I did treat him as I would a bf, I did love him, I did have romantic feelings, I did want to be with him in a normal R. With the other guy it wasn't a relationship as I didn't love him, didn't have romantic feelings for him, didn't consider him a bf and it was probably even less than FWB as we weren't really great friends who talked a lot and shared our lives or anything like that. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I am a single OW 16 months in to a relationship with a MM. I love him dearly. He says he loves me (daily, multiple times a day) and wants to marry me once their situation is resolved (supposedly set for this Summer, I'll believe it when I see it). That's all that I know for a fact right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady2163 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Oh. I missed the part where you said you guys had sex. I thought you had said that you were long distance and just spoke to each other and texted but there was no romantic feelings, hence I was confused at how you could be the OW. Thanks for clarifying! Well if you don't have romantic feelings for him then it is friends with benefits I suppose. My A relationship was an A and a relationship because I did treat him as I would a bf, I did love him, I did have romantic feelings, I did want to be with him in a normal R. With the other guy it wasn't a relationship as I didn't love him, didn't have romantic feelings for him, didn't consider him a bf and it was probably even less than FWB as we weren't really great friends who talked a lot and shared our lives or anything like that. I almost wondered if you were messing with me, but decided not to start off being nasty... Its my bad, I prefer to say friendship to affair or relationship since we aren't planning a future. That's my own personal point of view. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Former OW (LOL, as is evident by my moniker). After a brief affair, married my MM, been married for a bit over ten years. Was an absolutely dreadful, demanding, unhappy OW, made my man's life a living hell, I am afraid. He says I am a much nicer wife than an OW 7 Link to post Share on other sites
solostand Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 OW. Back in it. Wasn't strong enough to maintain NC. DDay is on the way. I know she is ordering his cell phone records. Grown daughter told him the other day "Mom thinks you have a girlfriend". I asked him if she's so suspicious and you know she's gonna find out, why do you do it? He said "Because I love you." The people who reported us to his BS are still seeing us together. Talk one to four times a day. See each other almost every day. Made love the last three days in a row. Yesterday he said "hold me. Tell me you love me" while making love. That is new. Ready to end in tears. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 OW, 2.5 months into NC initiated by me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Was the OW and married him this year. Affair has been over for a number of years. Like WOW, I was a high maintenance mistress and a much easier wife. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
glowing Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 We celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary this year 3 Link to post Share on other sites
luvsadrummer Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 MOW in an intense LD EA. Been NC for barely 4 months. He initiated NC after W found our FB conversation in which he was begging me to spend several days alone with him at a resort. He'd already made the arrangements. Not a day passes where my heart and mind aren't stuck on thoughts of how much I miss and love him. NC happened suddenly due to dday so there was no explanation or goodbye. I feel like somebody stomped on my heart 1000 times. I've been honoring NC beautifully. Just hope I can stay strong because it hurts so much. Everybody says I'll heal with time, but 4 months later, I'm still hurting every bit as much as dday... the day he initiated NC..... sigh... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady2163 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 OW. Back in it. Wasn't strong enough to maintain NC. s. Singing to the choir. Good luck, Solo Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I just want to address this part, b/c I see OW mention this quite often - the "surely she must know/not care, as he stays at my house to all hours, and spends so much time with me" line of thinking WHen I was married, my husband was a bit of a partier/social and I for a long time just really preferred to stay at home, read magazines & watch tv. He would go out, over to neighbors for hours, sometimes stay out to 2:00 or 3:00. He'd go up the neighborhood bar all the time. I really did not mind how late he stayed or when he went. We still had time together when we wanted to. We just had different interests and were okay spending time apart. He would say he had to go out of town for work, and I never questioned him. We both kept our phones passcoded, and never looked thru each others history or computers. Point being, he could've been having a major affair and easily devoted tons of time to his OW, and I would never have suspected a thing. Every marriage is different, so you should never assume "surely she knows/doesnt care" just by the time/hours spent together. This is very true. Year ago, when I was a BW, i fancied our marriage to be very modern. Two careers, we both traveled, lived our separate, fabulous lives, LOL. Imagine my surprise when he began an affair??? Sadly, I was floored, this was my best friend, and, LOL how could he cheat on MEEEE? (how naive was I?) As said above, you just don't really know what's happening in their marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 He's never said he's leaving but he's said he wants to spend his life with me he just doesn't know how to get to that point. I've told him I'm not waiting around and being the bandaid on his marriage. Now to address this part....If he says he is not leaving, believe him. If he says he is, well, that's another story entirely for another time. If a man really wants to be with you, he will figure out a way to do it, there is no "can't". Don't you deserve a partner who makes things happen in his life? He wants his wife and you also, as you said, to be a bandaid on his marriage? The decision is now up to you... can you be happy making someone's marriage better? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 In a break of three weeks with limited contact. Destination unknown. Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Now to address this part....If he says he is not leaving, believe him. If he says he is, well, that's another story entirely for another time. If a man really wants to be with you, he will figure out a way to do it, there is no "can't". Don't you deserve a partner who makes things happen in his life? He wants his wife and you also, as you said, to be a bandaid on his marriage? The decision is now up to you... can you be happy making someone's marriage better? Inequitably no. Which is why I need to end it, again, and maintain NC. I totally agree with what you are saying and have said as much to him. I never speak about him leaving and when he says he wants to (not that he actually IS or has a PLAN) I tell him he should stay because I would never tolerate the **** she does.. He's the one who discusses options and how it would all play out. That said, they are words..not actions...I get that. Also, I believe and have made it very clear that should we end up together long term it would have to be after he left, was getting a D and had his **** together...I WIL NOT hold his hand and pick up the pieces through his D...should that in fact happen. As for his BS knowing...I was the BS in my marriage and I knew the minute he was cheating..I had no proof but I knew (and I wasn't a jealous or suspicious wife) I stand by what I said...at least in our situation ..she is either doing the same thing or she knows and doesn't want to lose her family unit no matter how dysfunctional it is. I place no judgement on her choices (obviously) that's just my observation Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Good then, you are not buying into his words!! A few times, early on in our relationship, my MM made some reference to "can't". I repeated what he said, replacing the "can't" with "won't". He didn't like that very much. Regardless, stay strong, you can do this and get past it. Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Good then, you are not buying into his words!! A few times, early on in our relationship, my MM made some reference to "can't". I repeated what he said, replacing the "can't" with "won't". He didn't like that very much. Regardless, stay strong, you can do this and get past it. Re the bolded, I've done that as well..mm isn't a huge fan either but gets that I'm being realistic. You know, the funny thing about this relationship is that I am more myself with him then I have ever been with anyone, including xH..and with mm I say how I feel .. I've analyzed this and believe its because I don't have the fear of him leaving...he's not mine to lose ..does that make sense? WOW, can I ask you something? Ad if its too personal feel free to tell me to myob but Did you mean your other post that you married your OM and he cheated on you in your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 WOW, can I ask you something? Ad if its too personal feel free to tell me to myob but Did you mean your other post that you married your OM and he cheated on you in your marriage? I was single and married my MM. We have been together nearly twelve years, married a little more than ten. To the very best of my knowledge, and he has given me no reason to think otherwise, he has not cheated on me. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I've analyzed this and believe its because I don't have the fear of him leaving...he's not mine to lose ..does that make sense? I do understand that, I think. The bottom line is he is going to do what he is going to do, regardless of what we, as OW do. That said, for me personally, I would be d*mned if I was going to help him stay in his marriage. I did not allow him to call me when he was at home with her, (which was on the weekends) which he HATED, and in general made being in an affair a very disagreeable experience for him. I think one mistake OW's make is to let their men get too comfortable having both a wife and a mistress. Not necessarily from the "will he leave" perspective, but from the "i have the power" perspective. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Was OW 16 years ago. After two years I broke it off. He contacted me every couple of years to talk or visit with no A behavior taking place. He was respectful and never made any moves on me during that time. This spring all the feelings for him came back to me after being absent all of those years. It was a big surprise for both of us. I contacted him and we resumed A for ten days at which time I broke it off because of guilt feelings. This lasted six weeks until we reconnected by bizarre circumstances without meaning to. Was on for a couple of months when I again broke it off end of August. After three months off I called to wish him a Happy Birthday and we are on again. For the first time we are exploring the idea of being together and talking about how to make it happen. We have spoken of the idea before but never planned for it. He asked me today what I needed from him in order to stay patient until it happens. He's never future faked with me. Did rent an aptmt when I broke up w/him years ago and did offer me an engagement ring which I didn't accept as I was finished at that time. I've never gone back to a bf or husband (been married once) before. Am not a woman who goes back to anyone as I prefer to always move forward rather than backward so all of this has been highly unusual for me. He treats me royally as I do him, except when guilt overtakes me and I break up w/him. The guilt is horrible for me. Everything else is perfect. Always has been with him. He is very understanding and we talk for 2-4 hours on the phone every day of the week. We are similar in our personalities and dispositions and also though our careers are different they have similarities. We are both in unique career fields. He calls me every night before he goes to sleep. We exchange gifts. I hear from him every holiday. We are LD so don't see each other as often as we'd like but can arrange it when we want to. Link to post Share on other sites
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