Realist3 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 You can't go no contact either? How do you feel (sorry for TJ) We never agreed to NC, nor was it put on the table. Just a break with talking every few days until she feels comfortable. I'm not pressuring her at all. I'm letting her do what she needs to do to keep her situation right. We have talked maybe 6-7 times during this period, and she has initiated all of them but one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Re the bolded, I've done that as well..mm isn't a huge fan either but gets that I'm being realistic. You know, the funny thing about this relationship is that I am more myself with him then I have ever been with anyone, including xH..and with mm I say how I feel .. I've analyzed this and believe its because I don't have the fear of him leaving...he's not mine to lose ..does that make sense? WOW, can I ask you something? Ad if its too personal feel free to tell me to myob but Did you mean your other post that you married your OM and he cheated on you in your marriage? The bolded is something I recognized as well. I have compartmentalized a lot of myself with different individuals and I knew I wasn't the full me with my ex husband as I knew he wouldn't like those pieces. So with the affair I said "screw it" and I was 100% me because, in the beginning, who cared if he liked it or not, it wasn't supposed to be more than a fling. And it was nice being able to be me and be accepted. It was a changing point in my life, with others, that I integrated who I was and either you are in or you are out. I wasn't going to be anything less than who I was. Oddly it was the start of becoming authentic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GreySkyMorning Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Was single OW for 21 months. We texted about 500 times a day, constant contact, multiple daily declarations of love from both sides. He stated many times that we would be together, everything would be "ok", he was going to be with me in the end, we were best friends, and he was getting a divorce. Dday came and went, the end arrived, and he tossed me right under the bus and stayed where he was. It's been ten months since that day. Today, we are more friends on his side than anything else. We still text about 300 times a day. He still gets his emotional needs met by me and I still allow it. We met twice, four months after dday, and had sex. Never felt so cheap and trashy in my life. After all, I wasn't good enough to be with, was only worth tossing under the bus to save his rear, but still good enough to screw him in a semi truck in a truck stop lot. You know what kind of women do that? Ouch...i think i just found a new little pocket of anger... That kind of contact will never happen again. I did start dating a great guy dating in October. It's up and down sometimes, but its because of my own distance. My feelings for xmm really do weaken more every day. And the more i let those feelings fade away, the more my feelings for SG grow. I'd be a fool to not take a chance on what SG and I have so far. He's a great guy and he cares about me. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I did start dating a great guy dating in October. It's up and down sometimes, but its because of my own distance. My feelings for xmm really do weaken more every day. And the more i let those feelings fade away, the more my feelings for SG grow. I'd be a fool to not take a chance on what SG and I have so far. He's a great guy and he cares about me. So glad to read this, GreySkyMorning! Wishing you wonderful days ahead! Forgot to write that in a way we had 3 D days. 1. BW posed as him through his email account and instant messaged me to let me know she knew, I suppose, she never confronted the issue, just chatted w/me. 2. BW called him while we were together and asked him if he was with his gf. 3. PI followed and photo'd us together. Think these took place weeks apart but can't rem for sure. He didn't throw me under the bus (that is when he rented an aptmt and told me he wanted to bring me a ring but by #3 I'd been guilt ridden for so long I wanted to run, and did.) Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I was single and married my MM. We have been together nearly twelve years, married a little more than ten. To the very best of my knowledge, and he has given me no reason to think otherwise, he has not cheated on me. I'm so sorry!! I must have mid read something or maybe gotten two posts mixed up Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 No worries 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazy_Love Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I'm a MOW in an almost 2.5 year relationship with a MM. His wife knows about all but the sexual part of our relationship (which isn't that often), we are best friends. We love each other very much and spend five days a week together/ eight hours per day and texts and phone calls when we aren't. He won't leave his wife because he loves her and doesn't want to hurt her but he needs me too. I can't leave my dead marriage due to children, and have about five more years until they are grown, then I will. If he hasn't changed his mind about leaving her by then and I don't believe he will, I'm not hoping nor kidding myself, I will leave him and either stay single or find someone else. I'm just grateful for him. Having him around makes this life bearable but I don't ask nor expect anything from him. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Our A lasted a few years until we decided we wanted to be together f/t. He left the BW and we have been M for some years now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 But you obviously had problems as you didn't want to be together. She didn't say they didn't want to be together. She said... We still had time together when we wanted to. We just had different interests and were okay spending time apart. Link to post Share on other sites
LaylaSings Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 We are in a very content comfortable place right now. I go back and fourth on if I can continue this double life but right now, I'm still very in love with my AP and he wants to keep things as they are. I'm riding it out .. Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleCardigan Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I need to print this out Shining and paste it everywhere in my house to remind me! Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 After 10 years of loving a MM that was not in any way, shape or form, mine (although I , along with him, was convinced otherwise for that decade of my life). I can happily say, I AM NO LONGER A OW!!!!! Now, I am a new OW but that now stands for my OWN WOMAN. There is life after an A. Most importantly, there is peace!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whisper Quiet Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I also know he won't ever end it...while he says this is not cake eating for him (in his opinion cake eating would just be sleeping with someone while still having your family life..but because he's deeply in love with me it's painful) anyways, I really need some help making a game plan to get out. M He IS cake eating, regardless of how he tries to justify. (Sorry for the t/j.) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I'm so sorry!! I must have mid read something or maybe gotten two posts mixed up Nothisgirl, I would start a new thread if you haven't already. That way some of us can help with that "game plan". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Some people stick in dead end marriages because they do not have the guts to break free, you think they do not exist???? Get real. it is not always about love. So why not open up the marriage? If the marriage is so awful, both spouses are likely feeling it. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 So why not open up the marriage? If the marriage is so awful, both spouses are likely feeling it. Sometimes people stay in a marriage because it is the 'moral' or religious thing to do. The 'right' thing, in their mind. These are people who would also see opening up the marriage as morally wrong. Then when an affair happens, it's the lesser of two evils, in their mind. Surely you can see why they would feel this way. Even if you don't agree with it, you can see that it happens, and happens often. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 No I cannot see that, or make any of sense of that. How is a divorce "immoral" but an affair is "okay" ?? Lying and betrayal (of the wife AND children) are the lesser sin of admitting your failure, having strength to end it and move on? Um no. Thats just lines cheaters and APs use to justify continuing in an affair. Morality has no place in justification of staying in a bad marriage and having an affair. I'm not saying it is right. I am saying that they feel it is the lesser of two evils. Whether it is or not, in their mind, it is. They feel they are finding a little happiness in life without ruining their family's life. They feel they can control it, that nobody will find out. Whether you like it or not, it DOES happen. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 He IS cake eating, regardless of how he tries to justify. (Sorry for the t/j.) Whisper is right on. What he's doing is precisely cake eating (having done it myself). Furthermore, an OW saying she needs a "game plan" to leave the A is as faulty as your MM saying he needs a game plan to leave the M. Nothisgirl, just do it. The plan is NC. One of the posters (I'm too lazy to look at the moment) has a fantastic signature quote from the great philosopher Yoda, "Do or don't, there is no try." Lady, sorry for perpetuating the t/j but I would give you the same advice! Now, to answer your original posted question ... 4.5 months NC and 4.5 months of better living! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 No I cannot see that, or make any of sense of that. How is a divorce "immoral" but an affair is "okay" ?? Lying and betrayal (of the wife AND children) are the lesser sin of admitting your failure, having strength to end it and move on? Um no. The lies we tell ourselves are the worst lies of all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady2163 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 I'd like to ask people make every attempt not to judge those who answer, please.. Sunburned...no contact just doesn't work for me. Could we just leave it at that? What does work is having someone new...or it did. A yearish ago I met someone and had a great relationship for about three, four months. Contact with MM dropped to once a week and we weren't scheduling any future time together. He wasn't pushing me to continue. Then the someone new got back with his exgirlffriend. It happens. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Was definitely not a judgement. I live in a glass house after all! Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 No, I can't see it. I mean, adultery is forbidden by the 10 commandments in the Old Testament, and the Quran considers zinā (a word that includes both premarital and extramarital sex) a major sin. I don't know the specifics of any other major religions, but I'm willing to bet they think adultery is a pretty big deal as well. There is no way someone who is religious could think adultery is the lesser evil compared to divorce. They know it's not the lesser evil but choose to do it anyway because it fits their needs and wants better than a divorce does. I think that's just an excuse that is being used. In reality, adultery = chance it can be hidden, but divorce = impossible to hide. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Sometimes people stay in a marriage because it is the 'moral' or religious thing to do. The 'right' thing, in their mind. These are people who would also see opening up the marriage as morally wrong. Then when an affair happens, it's the lesser of two evils, in their mind. Surely you can see why they would feel this way. Even if you don't agree with it, you can see that it happens, and happens often. So basically what you are saying is, it is okay for them to have sex outside the marriage, b because they see divorce is wrong so having a side relationship is the lesser of the two evils, but it is morally wrong for their spouse to have sex outside the marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 No, I can't see it. I mean, adultery is forbidden by the 10 commandments in the Old Testament, and the Quran considers zinā (a word that includes both premarital and extramarital sex) a major sin. I don't know the specifics of any other major religions, but I'm willing to bet they think adultery is a pretty big deal as well. There is no way someone who is religious could think adultery is the lesser evil compared to divorce. They know it's not the lesser evil but choose to do it anyway because it fits their needs and wants better than a divorce does. Well said girl. Anyone religious knows they are living in sin if they cheat, also, infidelity is one of the reasons given in the Bible as an acceptable reason to divorce I believe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady2163 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Share Posted January 9, 2014 Was definitely not a judgement. I live in a glass house after all! Sorry, the quote was a nudge to other, not you. Link to post Share on other sites
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