Is it okay to sleep with someone else in my position?

[cm00]

I met a lovely girl a few months ago. We spent just under a month together and had quite the romance. Only problem is she only had a month left in my country and then had to go home, and home is over a thousand miles away in another country.

 

Since she left, I have not slept with anyone else. My conscience is telling me not to. We talk every day, sometimes for hours. She told me she won't get with anyone else and only I can have her, she wants to be with me.

 

The next chance for us to see each other will be summer, but that's only if she comes here, she was talking about going somewhere else. Poor wages in her country so she would like to come and work in my country or another nice country during the summer. She would like to travel. So she wants to see other places. She says she can't wait to see me again, but she also won't say for definite that she'll come and work in my country during the summer, she said she would like to try another country.

 

So, almost everything seems perfect, aside from the fact that she won't say for sure she will come to see me in the summer. If she goes to another country to work, she will not see me at all, possibly for over a year. I really don't know if our relationship will last if that's the case. Remember we've only spent 1 month together, we haven't known each other long.

 

So I am conflicted about what to do. I don't want to cheat on her, but she won't give any commitment that she will come and see me for sure. I think I can believe her when she says she won't let anyone else have her, she is a genuinely nice and loyal person from what I can tell.

 

So far my decision has been to stay loyal to her and I have been feeling better about it as we seem to be getting closer constantly even though we are far apart. She does often talk about the things we'll do when we are together again, and about how she can't wait. It's just what she said about she would like to see and work in some other country during the summer, that gave me some doubts, and rightfully so wouldn't you say?

 

What I am really asking for is confirmation that I am doing the right thing. Should I wait half a year for her without getting involved with anyone else? I do really like this girl, but I don't know for sure if she'll even come. I could end up waiting half a year or longer for someone I won't even see again.

Edited January 3, 2014 by cm00

[Keenly]

Move on. There is no point in waiting when she can't even promise she is coming back .

[cm00]

Move on. There is no point in waiting when she can't even promise she is coming back .

 

She has promised we'll see each other again. She is mature for her age, though only 19 years and I don't think she realizes how it looks to me when she says she would like to go to another country to work in the summer.

 

I tried to talk to her about this and she ended up in tears. Because she said her ex boyfriend used to tell her what she could and couldn't do and she always has seen me as nothing like him and it reminded her of him. I told her I was just being realistic about the situation and I don't know how our relationship will last if she chooses to go somewhere else. She seemed to understand.

 

She stopped being upset and everything seemed better quite quickly. Then she did say perhaps I will just come to the UK and see you, we talked more but the final word on it has been she would like to, but she doesn't know. She doesn't want to plan anything for definite yet and she doesn't want to say she will come and then have to let me down. I can see the logic in that.

 

Since that conversation, we've been closer than ever. And I hear a lot about how she can't wait to see me again and from how she is talking, it will be in the summer. But it's not certain.

 

Still don't know what to do.

Edited January 3, 2014 by cm00

[d0nnivain]

Talk to her about what she sees as the parameters of your LDR. Does she expect you to be celibate while you two are apart? Is she OK with both of you dating others? If you do date others, how will they feel about your LDR? If she expects celibacy she needs to give you a specific commitment about returning. If she can't you're wasting your time.

[cm00]

Talk to her about what she sees as the parameters of your LDR. Does she expect you to be celibate while you two are apart? Is she OK with both of you dating others? If you do date others, how will they feel about your LDR? If she expects celibacy she needs to give you a specific commitment about returning. If she can't you're wasting your time.

 

She said something about how only I can have her so I asked if she meant that means she isn't going to sleep with or see anyone else and she said "of course". From the talk I'm getting from her, she sees us as in a relationship and I already know from previous conversations that she is very much against cheating. She had a boyfriend back home up until a month before she met me. She had been apart from him for 4 months, she ended it with him a month before she met me. It was her first ever boyfriend, he didn't treat her very great and he was immature, from what she tells me. She didn't sleep with anyone else during that time their relationship became long distance.

 

That's about as much talk as we've had on it, she has confirmed on her end she will not sleep with anyone else. I strongly assume she expects the same from me.

 

The only commitment I've got from her is she does want to be with me, she definitely wants to see me again and that we definitely will. Just no set date of when. Except for a chance of it happening in the summer, if that happens, she'll move into my house for a few months with me during summer and she'll work here to earn some money. That's the plan, if she comes.

Edited January 3, 2014 by cm00

[d0nnivain]

If you know that is how she feels, you answered your own Q. No, it's not OK for you to have sex with somebody else.

[cm00]

If you know that is how she feels, you answered your own Q. No, it's not OK for you to have sex with somebody else.

 

That's why I've been wondering. My conscience says it's not OK. But the fact remains that I could be half a year or more waiting for her and she might not even come. I'm trying to work out if that's something I will just have to accept.

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to accept it. You can tell her the distance & the celibacy doesn't work for you & end it. You have a choice. Not a great choice but a choice.

[pteromom]

This is part of growing up. You have to make the choice that is right for you, and by making that choice, you are choosing NOT to go down other paths. So you either choose to commit to her and take a chance on the relationship working out, or you choose to date others - but if you choose to date others, she has a right to know.

[oldshirt]

Someone who lives 1000 miles away in another country with no concrete plans of being together in the real, physical world has no right to make some commit to exclusivity. None.

 

She doesn't have that right to ask it of you, and you have no right to ask it of her.

 

If there are tangible, concrete plans to move to be together an you had moving date and solid plans for a future together I would be a little more lenient.

 

As it stands right now you are nothing more than pen pals with no future plans, no valid grounds for commitment and no right to claim each other's sexuality. You can only ask for someone's exclusivity if you commit to taking care of their sexual needs and she is in absolutely no position to offer that nor to ask for that.

 

Neither are you.

 

You can remain pen pals and keep in touch if you want but amicably dissolve anything that remotely resembles any kind of commitment between you and both of you move on with your lives and find real flesh and blood people in the physical world and have real relationships with them.

[central]

Of course it's not okay, UNLESS you both talk about it and mutually agree that it is okay under the circumstances. Odds are that this relationship won't last anyway, so either open it up or end it, IMO.

[cm00]

I haven't asked her for commitment, she made it clear that she had committed herself to me without me saying anything. We talk for hours every evening. But that's the best she has given me, that we will definitely see each other again, possibly for the whole summer, and she is talking about it recently like it will happen. But it was before that, when we had the conversation about it, that she wouldn't confirm it for definite.

 

I actually really like this one. I don't want to end it with her. I have a feeling she'll come here in the summer, she isn't saying it for definite but I think it's likely. I think to end it would be a mistake. She's a genuinely nice girl, completely into me, when she was here she always wanted to see me and stay with me, every day. And she's absolutely gorgeous, a real beauty. I've never had a girl that was so good to me as she is and I am 29 years old, she'll be 20 soon, but she's very mature, not like a lot of the 20 year olds in the UK. Possibly because she is from a different culture.

Edited January 3, 2014 by cm00

[justwhoiam]

Since she left, I have not slept with anyone else. My conscience is telling me not to.

Ok, and what/who tells you to? Society? Your little friend between your legs?

 

The next chance for us to see each other will be summer, but that's only if she comes here

Why's that? As the distance between you two is around 1,000 miles and you're in the UK, I guess she's in Europe too. You can fly to so many places in Europe for £50/100. So why are you ruling that out?

 

She's 19, and she wants to see new places. Why don't you join her and spend time together while traveling?

 

I am conflicted about what to do.

Oh, you can do something? Like what? It sounded like it was just her doing things.

 

I don't want to cheat on her, but she won't give any commitment that she will come and see me for sure.

...

It's just what she said about she would like to see and work in some other country during the summer, that gave me some doubts, and rightfully so wouldn't you say?

Er, no. Maybe she's having doubts, because it's only her making efforts and you are expecting things from her. She'd had a right to expect something from you.

 

Should I wait half a year for her without getting involved with anyone else?

It just depends on your goals and your feelings. Goals because you need to set priorities for yourself. Do you need to have sex no matter whom with, so just pick girls every week and don't get involved with anyone. If you want a steady relationship locally, start looking locally, but there's no sure outcome, I mean you could date many girls and not end in bed with any of them. If you need something deeper and more meaningful, follow your heart.

 

I told her I was just being realistic about the situation and I don't know how our relationship will last if she chooses to go somewhere else. She seemed to understand.

Yeah. I would understand you don't give a thing about the relationship. As you are not doing anything to pursue it.

 

She stopped being upset and everything seemed better quite quickly. Then she did say perhaps I will just come to the UK and see you, we talked more but the final word on it has been she would like to, but she doesn't know.

Of course she has second thoughts, because you're (a bit) slow. Please don't get offended if I say that.

 

From the talk I'm getting from her, she sees us as in a relationship

Gee, I don't even know where to start from, here. It's as if you were an observer of your own life while it goes by in front of you. Do you want a relationship with her or not? You want it? Say so. You don't? Say so. You don't know? Don't let her believe she has a chance with you. Don't keep her on a limbo. One of the worst things for a guy - and trust me on that - is acting like an amoeba with the drive of a 100 year old man... It will take any charm you might have away from you.

 

The only commitment I've got from her is she does want to be with me

I guess we know enough about her by now. Was there any commitment from you? If so, what?

[oldshirt]

I haven't asked her for commitment, she made it clear that she had committed herself to me without me saying anything.

 

And she also asked you not to see anyone and you did not refuse so she assumes the commitment is mutual. In this instance your silence was your approval.

 

A couple options here - amicably dissolve the exclusivity agreement and start dating people in real life. Why an is obligated to cry and be set and angry with you temporarily, it will at least be the honorable thing to do and if your paths cross again in the future she likely won't have any lasting bitterness towards you and you may be able to rekindle at some point if you end up in the same country ( a lot of ifs but within the realm of possibility)

 

- you can grit your teeth and stay true to her and do a lot of spanking and hope that she does make good on her insinuations that you will see her again. And also hope that she keeps her word and doesn't keep you hanging on for months or even years while she is getting it on the side. ( a lot of hopes with that one)

 

- keep her hanging on but get some on the side. When this all comes crashing down she will b rightly livid and will always be bitter and resentfull and you will likely never be able to rekindle if your paths cross again. ( that's pretty much a certainty)

 

I'll go back to what I said before, people living a 1000 miles away in a foreign country with no concrete plans of getting in the same time zone, have no business asking for nor offering exclusivity.

[oldshirt]

....so basically what is taking place is she is pushing for a commitment of sexual exclusivity while she is making no firm commitments of getting together with you again. She talks about it but is she making travel plans, buying tickets, getting a passport/Visa, looking for employment, educational opportunities etc in your town????

 

Is she asking you to look for work, education etc in her town?????

 

See where I'm going with this???? She asking you to sit on the shelf and wait for her and sacrifice your love/sex life for her but she is taking no affirmative steps to actually be with you. She is wanting you to be idle and on reserve for her but showing no evidence she is actually going to be with you any time in th reasonable or foreseeable future.

[cm00]

Ok, and what/who tells you to? Society? Your little friend between your legs?

 

It's not about sleeping around. I have been single for a few years now, I am ready for a relationship.

 

I've looked at the cost of traveling to see her. The only problem is with how I run my business, it makes it impossible at the moment without me risking losing my entire investment into it. She lives with her parents, I don't know how they would feel about a 29 year old man coming to stay. I have my own house.

 

Oh, you can do something? Like what? It sounded like it was just her doing things.

 

I've told her she is welcome to stay with me. I can't go to see her at the moment, it's impossible unless I want to lose my income.

 

It just depends on your goals and your feelings. Goals because you need to set priorities for yourself. Do you need to have sex no matter whom with, so just pick girls every week and don't get involved with anyone. If you want a steady relationship locally, start looking locally, but there's no sure outcome, I mean you could date many girls and not end in bed with any of them. If you need something deeper and more meaningful, follow your heart.

 

Like I said, I am ready for a relationship.

 

Yeah. I would understand you don't give a thing about the relationship. As you are not doing anything to pursue it.

 

I've asked her to come and stay with me over the summer, where she can still work and earn decent money as she had planned. She has already told me she will be able to get the job she had when she was here before again, if she comes here.

 

Of course she has second thoughts, because you're (a bit) slow. Please don't get offended if I say that.

 

I'm not offended. I think that's hilarious.

 

Gee, I don't even know where to start from, here. It's as if you were an observer of your own life while it goes by in front of you. Do you want a relationship with her or not? You want it? Say so. You don't? Say so. You don't know? Don't let her believe she has a chance with you. Don't keep her on a limbo. One of the worst things for a guy - and trust me on that - is acting like an amoeba with the drive of a 100 year old man... It will take any charm you might have away from you.

 

I've told her clearly. I really like her and I want to see her again. I was the first one to refer to us as being in a relationship. She is the one who said she will be exclusive with me, although she didn't exactly say it like that.

 

I guess we know enough about her by now. Was there any commitment from you? If so, what?

 

Yes, I've told her I want to be with her and I have invited her to stay with me over the summer so she can get her old job back and earn some money. The wages for her in my country are four times higher than in her country so for her working abroad is very lucrative.

 

I'm willing to to travel to her country. I'd go there next week if it wouldn't ruin my business and all that I have invested into it. I'm not about to throw away my financial future to see her for a week. I recently bought a house as a full cash buy and I have more expenses to pay yet and money is tight. If I lost my business now, I would be in real trouble. I expect in a year or so I will have sold this business and got a more normal job. But right now that isn't possible, right now I am in dire need of the income.

 

This all started only because she said she was looking at working abroad somewhere else this year. She keeps telling me she wants to be with me, she really misses me, and she can't wait to see me again. But there is an opportunity for her to see me again, a very good one, and due to circumstances, the only one for now. And she is talking about going somewhere else instead? That isn't commitment. And I don't think our relationship will survive if that's what she chooses, as that will mean not seeing each over for over a year mostly likely and we've only had a matter of weeks together so far.

Edited January 4, 2014 by cm00

[cm00]

....so basically what is taking place is she is pushing for a commitment of sexual exclusivity while she is making no firm commitments of getting together with you again. She talks about it but is she making travel plans, buying tickets, getting a passport/Visa, looking for employment, educational opportunities etc in your town????

 

Is she asking you to look for work, education etc in her town?????

 

See where I'm going with this???? She asking you to sit on the shelf and wait for her and sacrifice your love/sex life for her but she is taking no affirmative steps to actually be with you. She is wanting you to be idle and on reserve for her but showing no evidence she is actually going to be with you any time in th reasonable or foreseeable future.

 

She can get her old job back here, she already said that at least. She hasn't actually asked me for exclusivity. I never asked her either, but she gave it anyway. I'm just assuming she expects it back. It would be wrong to go out and see other people if she is being exclusive as it's usually a two way thing.

[cm00]

I was just reading through my messages with her. Here's something she said to me yesterday.

 

When I'll come to UK I will give you the sweetest kiss

 

It's that kind of talk I am talking about. Although she wouldn't make any promises when we talked about it before, she has since been saying things like this to me. She also said she can't wait to come and stay with me in my new home.

 

justwhoiam - You don't need to get funny with me. I really like this girl. I would like to stay faithful to her. But I also feel something is wrong when she won't commit for sure to coming in the summer. Remember she was away from her first boyfriend for 4 months while she was in the UK before she decided to end it with him.

Edited January 4, 2014 by cm00

[thinkingofhim]

I don't think you should commit to her unless she commits to coming back to see you, also, why not have this convo openly with her? Ask her if she expects you to be exclusive, if she does, then ask her how/when she plans to return.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Unless I was absolutely certain I met "the love of my life," no way in hades I'd put my life on hold for essentially what is a fling. Her expectations are unrealistic. Everything is so vague and loose talk. You need to set SMART goals and go from there.

 

What I did in my situation was to give a specific deadline for action to be taken and specific dates for a series of events for him to prove he is serious. Visa issues/my not being able to take time off hindered us for about a year. There were loose talks of this and that but I eventually had to put my foot down and say by "X" date a ticket needs to be booked for "X to X" (and very soon I will see if he actually keeps them). Otherwise you are chasing the wind.

 

I personally think you should date other people in the mean time. If it is meant to be it will be but I would be darned if I put my life on hold for someone who gives me no specifics or guarantees. It's irrational. I only decided against dating other guys AFTER deadlines were set. Talk is cheap.

 

Can you help her buy a ticket? What if you put your life on hold for a year only for her to disappear, find another man or change her mind about you? Then you'd feel like an idiot.

 

Tell her you really like her and appreciate her sweet words but actions are even sweeter. You need precise dates and since the GBP is the strongest currency, perhaps you can help her foot the bill. Unless someone embodied all I was looking for and I was completely confident, my show goes on until something's in stone!

Edited January 4, 2014 by nomadic_butterfly

[justwhoiam]

I don't understand this thread entirely. And most posts. Especially the talk about being rational. So if you come by day X I love you, if you don't come by day X, you can go f yourself? Really? Maybe we have different ideas of what love is.

 

But this is clearly not a love case. This is a 'guy meets girl case', where probably sex was involved and feelings got into the picture.

 

Anyway, do I wait for her? Don't I wait for her? In principle, if you are in love with someone, you try your best to make things work. At least you give it a chance, if you do care. If time and distance were the only problems, you close the distance and be patient regarding time. Because, all in all, it's just a matter of time. So you will leave your business in one year? But you are not sure whether you should commit to her until then? Then don't. And tell her so. She can travel in the meantime and you reconnect after that. There's always a way. From what you wrote so far, she seems more interested in you than you actually are in her. As if you were just seizing the chance. For you it's like getting on a plane where you don't know your destination, so you are unsure whether you actually like to be on that plane or if you should even get on board. Well, no one knows what happens next, even if you had a girlfriend next door, no one can predict how it will go and if you are going to waste your time. In a way, someone could argue that whatever happens, you'll never be wasting your time, because it's all experience you gain in life. So it all depends on how you look at things. In short on your perspective.

 

That said, I guess you are at different stages in life, she's 19 and you're 29. You might want different things right now. She wants to travel and see new places, you already have responsibilities, etc. But to me, personally, it wouldn't be a problem. My man is 10 years older than I am, and that to me is like a bonus. But we are in love with each other. She might be in love with you, but I'm not sure you're in love with her. If you are, let it show.

 

Also, where's she from? Is she from some Eastern country? Poland? Romania? Or? That might tell a bit more about this girl's cultural background. And because of some patterns that do exist, I'd be wary of some girls coming from poorer countries, because they might not be genuinely interested in a man, rather in his money or just trying to get out of their country.

 

By the way, I was not trying to be funny at all. Maybe some of my comments were sarcastic. But as I said, I don't get this whole thread.

[almond]

I can see both sides.

 

I feel that this issue will cause you to fight, and resentment will build. A sense of restriction and control will kill this fledgling relationship before it even begins.

 

I think perhaps you should have a long talk with her, and make it clear that you are ready for a relationship and do care for her. I would then advise her that the long distance thing is causing you too much stress and anxiety, and suggest taking a break from it all until you both know where you're at.

 

She is 19, and wants to travel around and see the world. You are a fair bit older, and want a solid commitment from her. She is infatuated with you, but evidently, isn't ready for that.

 

Take a breather, and reevaluate. Seems like you're in different places in life and this will cause conflict.

[cm00]

Unless I was absolutely certain I met "the love of my life," no way in hades I'd put my life on hold for essentially what is a fling. Her expectations are unrealistic. Everything is so vague and loose talk. You need to set SMART goals and go from there.

 

What I did in my situation was to give a specific deadline for action to be taken and specific dates for a series of events for him to prove he is serious. Visa issues/my not being able to take time off hindered us for about a year. There were loose talks of this and that but I eventually had to put my foot down and say by "X" date a ticket needs to be booked for "X to X" (and very soon I will see if he actually keeps them). Otherwise you are chasing the wind.

 

I personally think you should date other people in the mean time. If it is meant to be it will be but I would be darned if I put my life on hold for someone who gives me no specifics or guarantees. It's irrational. I only decided against dating other guys AFTER deadlines were set. Talk is cheap.

 

Can you help her buy a ticket? What if you put your life on hold for a year only for her to disappear, find another man or change her mind about you? Then you'd feel like an idiot.

 

Tell her you really like her and appreciate her sweet words but actions are even sweeter. You need precise dates and since the GBP is the strongest currency, perhaps you can help her foot the bill. Unless someone embodied all I was looking for and I was completely confident, my show goes on until something's in stone!

 

Yeah, I've offered to pay for her flight ticket and to drive to the airport in London to pick her up.

[cm00]

I can see both sides.

 

I feel that this issue will cause you to fight, and resentment will build. A sense of restriction and control will kill this fledgling relationship before it even begins.

 

I think perhaps you should have a long talk with her, and make it clear that you are ready for a relationship and do care for her. I would then advise her that the long distance thing is causing you too much stress and anxiety, and suggest taking a break from it all until you both know where you're at.

 

She is 19, and wants to travel around and see the world. You are a fair bit older, and want a solid commitment from her. She is infatuated with you, but evidently, isn't ready for that.

 

Take a breather, and reevaluate. Seems like you're in different places in life and this will cause conflict.

 

That's the problem yes, I had this talk with her, and she got in tears about it. She said it reminded her of her ex boyfriend, who used to tell her what to do. I countered it by saying I am just being mature and realistic about the situation, which she accepted and then apologized to me. I apologized too, because I didn't like to see her so upset. We made up quickly and things have seemed even stronger since.

 

But to bring it up again, I don't know. She might see it as a red flag, as being pushy, and it could ruin things. For now, it sounds like she's probably going to come here, by the way she is talking at least.

[cm00]

I don't understand this thread entirely. And most posts. Especially the talk about being rational. So if you come by day X I love you, if you don't come by day X, you can go f yourself? Really? Maybe we have different ideas of what love is.

 

But this is clearly not a love case. This is a 'guy meets girl case', where probably sex was involved and feelings got into the picture.

 

Anyway, do I wait for her? Don't I wait for her? In principle, if you are in love with someone, you try your best to make things work. At least you give it a chance, if you do care. If time and distance were the only problems, you close the distance and be patient regarding time. Because, all in all, it's just a matter of time. So you will leave your business in one year? But you are not sure whether you should commit to her until then? Then don't. And tell her so. She can travel in the meantime and you reconnect after that. There's always a way. From what you wrote so far, she seems more interested in you than you actually are in her. As if you were just seizing the chance. For you it's like getting on a plane where you don't know your destination, so you are unsure whether you actually like to be on that plane or if you should even get on board. Well, no one knows what happens next, even if you had a girlfriend next door, no one can predict how it will go and if you are going to waste your time. In a way, someone could argue that whatever happens, you'll never be wasting your time, because it's all experience you gain in life. So it all depends on how you look at things. In short on your perspective.

 

That said, I guess you are at different stages in life, she's 19 and you're 29. You might want different things right now. She wants to travel and see new places, you already have responsibilities, etc. But to me, personally, it wouldn't be a problem. My man is 10 years older than I am, and that to me is like a bonus. But we are in love with each other. She might be in love with you, but I'm not sure you're in love with her. If you are, let it show.

 

Also, where's she from? Is she from some Eastern country? Poland? Romania? Or? That might tell a bit more about this girl's cultural background. And because of some patterns that do exist, I'd be wary of some girls coming from poorer countries, because they might not be genuinely interested in a man, rather in his money or just trying to get out of their country.

 

By the way, I was not trying to be funny at all. Maybe some of my comments were sarcastic. But as I said, I don't get this whole thread.

 

She is from one of the better off eastern Europe Slavic countries. As some others have pointed out, it's about wherever I should put my life on hold for her. I intend to see her again. And I was already mostly decided on staying loyal to her. But I wanted to get some other opinions on what I should do. Given the circumstances, with no concrete plans in place, I wonder if I am crazy to put my life on hold for her, I'd have to really like her, and I do. We've spent about a month together, and so far over a month apart. We talk for at least a few hours a day, and sometimes we Skype.

Edited January 4, 2014 by cm00