Is it okay to sleep with someone else in my position?

[justwhoiam]

She is from one of the better off eastern Europe Slavic countries.

Then I guess it's Slovenia.

 

I wonder if I am crazy to put my life on hold for her, I'd have to really like her, and I do.

By today's standards? Maybe. But I wouldn't consider that as going out of your way for love. And it comes a time when a guy should go out of his way for love. I don't know if she's the right one for that. But you're 29. Have you ever been in love? Really mad about a girl?

[cm00]

Then I guess it's Slovenia.

 

By today's standards? Maybe. But I wouldn't consider that as going out of your way for love. And it comes a time when a guy should go out of his way for love. I don't know if she's the right one for that. But you're 29. Have you ever been in love? Really mad about a girl?

 

I've not known her long enough to say I can love her. But I do really like her, far more so than any other girl I've met. I consider myself lucky to have found her. We had a very passionate month together, but it wasn't just sex, I took her to see many things she had never seen, and took her to restaurants often. Gave her a going away gift, a necklace I bought for her, she wears it all the time. Before me she had only been with one other person, her ex boyfriend, for a year. She says he acts like a kid though and I'm the first real man in her life. So it looks good, she really does like me a lot.

 

I've had a very long relationship once, my first one, and it started quite young. But it was long ago and it's hard to say if I ever really loved her. We were never right for each other. That's why I've not been in a relationship since, until now, as I didn't want another relationship with the wrong person.

Edited January 4, 2014 by cm00

[oldshirt]

what's in question here is an exclusivity agreement that hasn't actually been discussed nor explicitly agreed upon. Both of you are making some big assumptions and big leaps here.

 

 

We need to apply Olshirts Law here. Only people who are in a committed exclusive sexual relationship with you, have the right to ask you to be sexually exclusive with them.

 

 

IMHO there is no committed sexual relationship here. I can send an email to my Aunt Beullah and tell her I am going to give her some sloppy kisses the next time I see her. That does not make for an exclusive sexual relationship.

 

 

I know she tripped your trigger and that you like her. I accept she likes you but there is not an actual committed relationship here. You guys had a little summer fling and now you are pen pals writing letters back and forth.

 

 

There is no commitment here and no definitive plans for a future relationship.

 

 

Yes she may come and visit you again months down the road. That is very nice and I hope she can make it and hope you two have a nice time.

 

 

But there is no actual committed relationship taking place here and there for no grounds for anyone to offer nor ask for sexual exclusivity.

 

 

She is 19, that means she could meet some dude tonight and she will be in love with him by morning. If he is "there" then you stand no chance and you will have put yourself on the shelf for nothing.

 

 

You are 29, have a home, self-employed and are at the top of your dating market value too. You will have many other options as well. If some cutie comes along right there in your home town, do you really want to be sitting on the shelf on reserve for some 19 year old that may or may not come up with a train ticket to see you next summer?????????

 

 

This isn't about whether you two like each other or not. and it's not about whether you two should keep in touch with each other and see each other again or not. That is all fine and dandy. You can write each other and try to see each other and have fun together if you can meet up again.

 

 

The question is whether you should put a padlock on each other's sexuality and be exclusive to one another and sit on the shelf on reserve for each other or not.

 

 

That answer is a clear no. You simply do not have a relationship that is developed enough to that point yet.

[nomadic_butterfly]

I don't understand this thread entirely. And most posts. Especially the talk about being rational. So if you come by day X I love you, if you don't come by day X, you can go f yourself? Really? Maybe we have different ideas of what love is.

 

It's not about "I love you" only if you come by "July 15, 2014" (let's not be dramatic), it's about someone saying MAYBE THEY WILL MAYBE THEY WONT COME for a whole entire year after a very brief romance and wanting YOU to not date or get intimate with others even though she didn't book a ticket to make "plans" a reality. IF he waited for her that whole year then she suddenly "changes her mind" or "found someone else" then how would that make him feel? Clear and specific goals are what make many things including LDR successful. Ambiguity it the enemy when things should be crystal clear.

 

For me personally, a month would be way too soon to be in love with someone but even if I really liked them, I'm a pragmatic person. I dumped my ex even though I loved him madly but given the betrayal and other circumstances it made sense to break up since it wasn't going anywhere so I thought with my head and not my heart. This is how I lead my life :-) so far it's worked very very well for me...if it aint broke...

[cm00]

This is why I made this thread, I'm not sure what to do, some people seem to have very different opinions too.

 

I've not offered her anything, or asked her for anything. But she did offer it to me and I asked her what she meant as she said "I am all yours, only you can have me" I asked if she meant she wasn't going to sleep with or get involved with anyone else, she said "of course". It's obvious this is a relationship and that's how she sees it.

 

And I know for certain as that's the kind of person she is, because of what she told me about her ex boyfriend. When she left her country to come here, they were still in a relationship, they were to be apart for 6 months while she was in my country. But after 4 months she ended it with him. He is 26 years old but has done nothing with his life, is immature, and he's controlling, so she says, so I'm not surprised. The point I am making is during this 4 months she didn't get involved with anyone else, because she is very against cheating. She told me she is so glad she left him when she did, because if she had still been in a relationship with him, we'd probably never have met and would not have got together.

 

She obviously sees this is a relationship and all the rules that come with it. I know what she will say if I ask her if she thinks we're exclusive, she obviously already thinks that. I can't tell her now that we shouldn't be, imagine how she could take that? She will think, he wants to cheat. It would ruin everything.

Edited January 4, 2014 by cm00

[justwhoiam]

Gave her a going away gift, a necklace I bought for her, she wears it all the time.

You gave her a necklace but didn't ask her to be your girlfriend? So weird. Talking about ambiguity, I really wouldn't be able to deal with it, I'd need to know what we are. And I'd rule out any intimacy if what you offer is only FWB. I wasn't made for FWB and many other girls and women are not wired for that, even some who agree to that at first. A necklace is a lovely gift, personal, feminine, and I would read it as "he'd like to be with me".

 

She says he acts like a kid though and I'm the first real man in her life.

This is quite interesting. I said that to him too.

 

Maybe it's just me, but when I'm in love with someone, I don't need to be asked not to sleep around, that's the most natural thing for me, as I only feel like making love with the one I love. As naive as I may be, I like to think that some guys are that way too.

 

Now, I don't know if she's in love with you. I guess you're not in love with her. You'd probably learn better if you started dating locally and went without her for a while. If you start missing her, she's your first thought in the morning and your last thought at night before sleeping and so on, then I guess you've fallen for her. But right now... you're more attracted to the idea of spending time with her after being alone for a long time and to her young drive and passion for you. But let me guess, you'd already have a hard time leaving her now.

[cm00]

You gave her a necklace but didn't ask her to be your girlfriend? So weird. Talking about ambiguity, I really wouldn't be able to deal with it, I'd need to know what we are. And I'd rule out any intimacy if what you offer is only FWB. I wasn't made for FWB and many other girls and women are not wired for that, even some who agree to that at first. A necklace is a lovely gift, personal, feminine, and I would read it as "he'd like to be with me".

 

This is quite interesting. I said that to him too.

 

Maybe it's just me, but when I'm in love with someone, I don't need to be asked not to sleep around, that's the most natural thing for me, as I only feel like making love with the one I love. As naive as I may be, I like to think that some guys are that way too.

 

Now, I don't know if she's in love with you. I guess you're not in love with her. You'd probably learn better if you started dating locally and went without her for a while. If you start missing her, she's your first thought in the morning and your last thought at night before sleeping and so on, then I guess you've fallen for her. But right now... you're more attracted to the idea of spending time with her after being alone for a long time and to her young drive and passion for you. But let me guess, you'd already have a hard time leaving her now.

 

I didn't ask her to make it official. That seems like a really needy thing to do. I also think it would have made me look immature, as we both knew she was going back to her country soon and we hadn't known each other long. It was implied that we were together as we spent every single day together for a month, we went out together, I took her on dates, on trips, we slept together, we acted like boyfriend and girlfriend. She told me all of her friends were referring to me as her boyfriend, I didn't argue with that. I had to ask her to be my girlfriend? Well it seems a bit late for that now. She must see us as together already.

 

Yes that's one of the things she has said to me. I'm the first real man in her life and I'm doing things for her that nobody has ever done for her before, that I treat her properly. Among other things, that she really likes me, that I make her very happy, and she feels really good with me.

 

Yes she decided all by herself to not sleep with anyone else and she told me that without me having to ask. She said to me, that she only wants to be with me. She said only I can have her. She is being exclusive with me. I've never asked this from her, she is the one who said it.

 

It's a little early to say "I love you" but I think she is feeling that way. She is very different than most girls I keep meeting, she seems a genuinely good and loyal person. And we're completely into each other. I think she's gorgeous. So yes, I like her a lot, which is why I don't want to get involved with anyone else, as it could be love. I am just worried about if I put my life on hold for a year and then she calls it off. She does like me a lot, but what if she suddenly decides the distance is too great, or she meets someone else?

 

I don't know why you say I'm more attracted to spending time with her now she isn't here? Where do you get this from? I couldn't have spent any more time with her, I was with her every day.

Edited January 4, 2014 by cm00