ZMM Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 First, I have already gone through the berating about how bad I am in my previous thread. So, no point in going over that again. If you want to, have at it - but I'm not going to rehash those issues. If you aren't familiar with my story, it's all in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/448811-question-mm-ow In summary, I had come to the point where I had decided to work to get out of my marriage. I was in an A a while back and have strong feelings for OW, I guess as As go, it was pretty minimal. But we had/have very strong friendship even before and after the A. We are both older, and we know how important good friends are, so we aren't going to toss aside our friendship no matter what. I never really knew where OW stood, I had my suspicions, but was confused by her mixed signals. Anyway, yesterday out of the blue, I get a couple of messages from her giving me some financial advice concerning D. She said, she just wanted to make sure I was aware of these facts. I have to admit, it made me feel funny. I'm not sure why, but I had felt better with me handling it on my own as totally separate from the A. I did not tell her that and I did not pull back, like I have read that so many MM do. But, it did make me feel a little bit like pulling back. So, a lot of the advice I received regarding keeping those totally separate made a lot of sense at the time - both for OW and BS. But, now I see it was even more important for me. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I commend you for not pulling back from her but I do think its ok and you should be honest with her and tell her you'd like to handle it on your own from here on out...I imagine if it happens a few more times some resentment/pulling back would happen...it would only be natural 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I think you guys just need to talk. There is a lot of wondering, innuendos, etc. Just spit it all out, be upfront and honest even if it is the hard sticky stuff. The one thing I really appreciate my MM/husband has been is honest with me on things. Now at times I have had to temper how much I knew because I can't unknow it but I appreciate he has been forthcoming. So be honest and stop biting your tongue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZMM Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 I think you guys just need to talk. There is a lot of wondering, innuendos, etc. Just spit it all out, be upfront and honest even if it is the hard sticky stuff. The one thing I really appreciate my MM/husband has been is honest with me on things. Now at times I have had to temper how much I knew because I can't unknow it but I appreciate he has been forthcoming. So be honest and stop biting your tongue. I guess the reason I didn't say anything was, she was being a bit more forthcoming with what was on her mind than usual. I didn't really want to discourage that. If she does it again, I will probably have to say something because it gave me some really strange feelings that I hadn't felt before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Just to be clear, were you bothered that she was forthcoming with a) her feelings or b) providing advice on your divorce? Sorry.. just trying to understand. I think you felt better handling things on your own regarding your divorce? Can you clarify please (and thank you) . Not sure how to respond yet... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZMM Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) Just to be clear, were you bothered that she was forthcoming with a) her feelings or b) providing advice on your divorce? Sorry.. just trying to understand. I think you felt better handling things on your own regarding your divorce? Can you clarify please (and thank you) . Not sure how to respond yet... I liked that she was forthcoming, that's why I didn't say anything to discourage it. But, it made me feel real funny that she was giving me advice on the D, I'm not sure why. Edited January 3, 2014 by ZMM Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Maybe you need to deep dive why. Why would that bother you? Is it because it looks like she may have some feelings on you divorcing and some desire for you to do so? Is this just another element of the push/pull in the relationship dynamics? Did you discuss the divorce with her, or desire to divorce, but hit a sticking point which what she sent you addressed that question or concern? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I liked that she was forthcoming, that's why I didn't say anything to discourage it. But, it made me feel real funny that she was giving me advice on the D, I'm not sure why. K, makes sense now. Good thing that she is being more forthcoming. I think I understand you feeling funny regarding the divorce advice. I was always really careful, when my husband was going through his divorce, to stay out of it. He didn't really discuss it with me (other than that it was in progress and then when he needed to go to court to finalize it). I didn't ask and didn't care to hear any details. I did not want to be associated with his divorce, as we moved into our future. Plus, his divorce was not really any of my business. Maybe you feel similarly? Keeping the two entirely separate is usually the best plan. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZMM Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Maybe you need to deep dive why. Why would that bother you? Is it because it looks like she may have some feelings on you divorcing and some desire for you to do so? Actually, I always knew she thought I should get out of my M. So, that wasn't a surprise. Is this just another element of the push/pull in the relationship dynamics? Sorry for my ignorance, but what exactly do you mean? I should know this, after being on LS for a 1/2 month, but please explain if you would. Did you discuss the divorce with her, or desire to divorce, but hit a sticking point which what she sent you addressed that question or concern? No. I mean she knew finances were a concern. But, this was not really an answer to a problem, more of a warning that she was alerting me to, like just to make sure I had considered that impact. I don't know, it could be that I felt like she was getting antsy and impatient, which is her right to do and make her decisions based on that. But, I need to do it my way, as it is a complex situation. I felt better about it this morning. But, it's still on my mind or I wouldn't have posted it. Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm not sure if I missed something, but didn't you say the two of you were not in contact for months? That would seem strange to me too if that's the case. To go from NC to sending you info on divorce? Very odd. On the one hand, I'm a firm believer that divorce should be between the couple divorcing and the other I think it's perfectly fine to be able to vent the frustrations it may cause along the way. I mean venting and not dumping. They are two different things in my book. If it made you feel weird then you definitely need to tell her unless you like having reasons to keep her at a distance due to ambivilance. I agree that doing it on your own because you choose to is a lot more rewarding. It's empowering. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZMM Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Sorry for my ignorance, but what exactly do you mean? I should know this, after being on LS for a 1/2 month, but please explain if you would. Never mind, I just read up on it. To answer your question with a question, as to whether it was just push/pull of relationship, did you mean her comment, my response, or both? And regardless of your answer, my answer is, I don't know maybe. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZMM Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) I'm not sure if I missed something, but didn't you say the two of you were not in contact for months? That would seem strange to me too if that's the case. To go from NC to sending you info on divorce? Very odd. On the one hand, I'm a firm believer that divorce should be between the couple divorcing and the other I think it's perfectly fine to be able to vent the frustrations it may cause along the way. I mean venting and not dumping. They are two different things in my book. If it made you feel weird then you definitely need to tell her unless you like having reasons to keep her at a distance due to ambivilance. I agree that doing it on your own because you choose to is a lot more rewarding. It's empowering. No, we have contact, some of which is unavoidable. We just don't have any EA type contact. I know most on here are firm believers in NC, that just doesn't work for us for multiple reasons, so we don't do it that way. Edited January 3, 2014 by ZMM Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 But, I need to do it my way, as it is a complex situation. LOL You sound JUST like my MM. I swear he's said that *exact* same sentence about their situation. EXACT. You're not my MM, are you? If you still have good feelings for your wife (loyalty, ILYBNILWY, etc.), perhaps it could be a bit like you feel like a traitor of sorts having your OW tell you how to handle your D? I know some MM get upset if the OW says anything negative about the BW. Like when MM and I were talking about his impending divorce, I asked if she was the type of person that might be vengeful and try to take as much financially as she could. I didn't mean it in a mean way about her at all (I KNOW she's a good person or he wouldn't care so much about ending it civilly with her and getting her set up in her place before she finds out about the A, though preferably she'll never find out.) and I'd be with him if she took it all and he hadn't a penny to his name. I was just curious and it was something we'd discussed about MY ex before my divorce went through. But still in hindsight, I could understand why it might get his hackles up if he thought I was suggesting that she would be that kind of person. Could it be something like that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZMM Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 LOL You sound JUST like my MM. I swear he's said that *exact* same sentence about their situation. EXACT. You're not my MM, are you? If you still have good feelings for your wife (loyalty, ILYBNILWY, etc.), perhaps it could be a bit like you feel like a traitor of sorts having your OW tell you how to handle your D? I know some MM get upset if the OW says anything negative about the BW. Like when MM and I were talking about his impending divorce, I asked if she was the type of person that might be vengeful and try to take as much financially as she could. I didn't mean it in a mean way about her at all (I KNOW she's a good person or he wouldn't care so much about ending it civilly with her and getting her set up in her place before she finds out about the A, though preferably she'll never find out.) and I'd be with him if she took it all and he hadn't a penny to his name. I was just curious and it was something we'd discussed about MY ex before my divorce went through. But still in hindsight, I could understand why it might get his hackles up if he thought I was suggesting that she would be that kind of person. Could it be something like that? I don't think so. LOL BentleyChic, now that I think about it, you are exactly right. I do feel like a traitor even when I would discuss M with OW. It's been like that since the very beginning. Good call. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I don't think so. LOL BentleyChic, now that I think about it, you are exactly right. I do feel like a traitor even when I would discuss M with OW. It's been like that since the very beginning. Good call. Thanks! NP! See, I used to not "get it" b/c MM says stuff about my exH, but then I remembered that exH is a d-bag and MM hates him b/c of all the stuff he did to me (abusive) and still does (emotionally abusive). So honestly anything he says about him is likely true. LOL I don't say negative stuff about MM's W, but do understand how some things I say could be taken as if I were against her or might make him feel bad to discuss or hear. I try to be more careful now about how I word things and what I say with that in mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I still think for some that Being stuck in a place of indecision is more comfortable than making a decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I had come to the point where I had decided to work to get out of my marriage. I can't remember if you have children or not? I suggest if you do, family counseling is a must since you and your wife will still be co parents together, plus counseling can help everybody get used to the lifestyle changes and all that goes along with a divorced family unit, to cope with it all in a healthy way. Have you spoken to your wife at all yet or are you just beginning to make plans. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I still think for some that Being stuck in a place of indecision is more comfortable than making a decision. Yeah, I knew I heard that some place. JK Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I can't remember if you have children or not? I suggest if you do, family counseling is a must since you and your wife will still be co parents together, plus counseling can help everybody get used to the lifestyle changes and all that goes along with a divorced family unit, to cope with it all in a healthy way. Have you spoken to your wife at all yet or are you just beginning to make plans. No children. And yes stated talking about it to W. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Maybe you're wanting a D that results in no hurt feelings for your W and when OW gets involved, even with planning, it makes you feel out of control and you want to be in complete control? I can't say I understand why you wanted her to be forthcoming. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) Maybe you're wanting a D that results in no hurt feelings for your W and when OW gets involved, even with planning, it makes you feel out of control and you want to be in complete control? I can't say I understand why you wanted her to be forthcoming. No, that's not it. I am not a control freak. BentleyChic said it exactly as it was, that was my exact feeling and I had that feeling before but had forgotten about it. I didn't want to discourage her from being forthcoming, because she usually isn't and I like it when she says what's on her mind. That's all. Edited January 4, 2014 by ZMM Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 No, that's not it. I am not a control freak. BentleyChic said it exactly as it was, that was my exact feeling and I had that feeling before but had forgotten about it. I didn't want to discourage her from being forthcoming, because she usually isn't. That's all. I've been married before and had the same reaction when subsequent boyfriends would speak ill of my ex husband. I am no longer in love with him but there is something that makes me want to protect him from being slandered or destroyed by someone else. Its okay if I hurt him (lol) because I have control of that and have some feelings for him, like caring, and i trust myself more not to take it too far, but I wouldn't want a stranger to him (my new lover) who had no caring feelings for him having too much influence on matters that may hurt him. They wouldn't care and would just want to destroy him. This is what I meant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) I've been married before and had the same reaction when subsequent boyfriends would speak ill of my ex husband. I am no longer in love with him but there is something that makes me want to protect him from being slandered or destroyed by someone else. Its okay if I hurt him (lol) because I have control of that and have some feelings for him, like caring, and i trust myself more not to take it too far, but I wouldn't want a stranger to him (my new lover) who had no caring feelings for him having too much influence on matters that may hurt him. They wouldn't care and would just want to destroy him. This is what I meant. Exactly. 100%. And now I get what you meant. Edited January 4, 2014 by ZMM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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