Lost

[dreamcatcher975]

my h and i have been separated for 7 months. the first 6 months.. we didn't have much contact. Just random msgs here and there. I figure it was what he wanted. Recently.. i reached my hand out so we can maybe "talk" about the marriage and see if we are still going to continue on with the Divorce.

 

I was hopeful because our first convo..ended where he said we'd work things out. The next couple of convos there was talk about spending time together ( we live i different states now, i moved back home) but that never panned out. Then he suggested i go there.. and out of the blue he changed his mind and now say she's "sure" that this is what he wants but is willing to come here to go to the counseling that i wanted to go to so we can say "we did everything" but he also said his mind is made up and feels that the counseling is just to give me peace of mind.

 

I begged and asked him to work things out with me because i still believed in the marriage. But he said his mind is made up and just wants it over with.

 

I feel like i ruined my own chances of reconciling because i ended up doing the no-no's: begging.. pleading to work on the marriage.

 

How do i pick myself up from this and still try to fix my marriage? Sometimes i feel like i should just go back because i feel theres less of a chance to fix things if we aren't even living together, but he said if i go back (he says i can and it's my choice to go back) he'd just ignore/avoid me. so i feel like i'm stuck. I don't want to be ignored when i go there. I"m trying to be as positive as i can be offering to go back for awhile and work things out.. but he's always coming at me with the most negative things where i feel like i have no place.

 

I know my husband loves me and i love him. When things were good, it was so good. We'd laugh, hugs, hold hands, and if the conversation of 'divorce' came up he would always say "no..we're not.".

 

I know he's also upset i left him but i had to do it because the situation at home just was not healthy. we got into fights during the ending of 2012 and just got worse as 2013. We'd have "breaks" in between our fights and things would be good.. but once we got into it again about money, kids, work, and spending time with each other -- it quickly went from 0-100 in a flash. so bad he'd tell me to go back home. So, i did.

 

I want to go to counseling, because i think we'd be able to get past the problems. I feel our biggest problems is communication skills. We just don't' know how to communicate. he says i don't listen and i tell him he doesn't understand me!

 

he has texted me a couple of times since our falling out where i just gave in to what he wanted and gave up "fighting" for the marriage. but nothing about the marriage. He sends them to me at random times regarding the weirdest things too. My friends say he's "fishing" for a response from me but idk.

 

any advice on how to get back up and fight for a marriage?? How do u fix a marriage where phone calls and texts are the only option?

[RightThere]

If there is a lot of distance between the two of you, I don't see how you can really work on reconciliation.

 

I would guess that during your time apart, you are both remembering lots of the good, but little of the bad. Try to just focus on yourself and doing new things. The fact that you both keep fishing for each other is preventing either of you from actually moving forward. Just keeping each other in neutral.

[SnapCracklePop]

Living far apart is going to be an obstacle.

 

Communication is the key, and unless you can both learn to communicate to each other in a healthy way, you will never resolve anything.

 

All too often, the big talks result in blame. The person being blamed then gets defensive and strikes back. Tensions rise, things get heated.. the conversation gets out of control, nothing makes sense and nothing gets resolved. Each person only feels stronger that the other person is in the wrong.

 

If you feel the urge to blame and argue building, its time to stop for a bit and come back when your able to talk clear and calm.

 

It takes practice, time and patience. Try talking in terms of yourself when discussing the issues - its the only point you really know.

 

What I mean is - its not that he is not understanding you, and its not that you are not listening to him... you nailed it on the head when you said that you two are not communicating.

 

What sounds less argumentative (is that a word?) : You are not listing. You don't understand me... - or - I feel that we are not communicating our problems effectively.

 

If you can discuss the issues and not lay blame, you will have a much better shot at getting back on track and figuring out exactly what needs to be worked on.

[GuyInLimbo]

People in GOOD relationships have a hard time when they are apart. How the heck does living far away lend itself to repairing a marriage? It doesn't. You just grow further apart.

 

Yes, stop begging.

 

Finally, regardless if he goes to counseling with you, YOU need to go to figure out what you need/want from a relationship, what you're about, who you are. Someone who is emotionally healthy doesn't beg anyone to stay with them. Work on yourself no matter what happens.

[dreamcatcher975]

I do want to go back to try and fix our marriage. However...i'm met with that "u can come back but i'll ignore you"

 

I left because i felt so alone in that house. I still think he doesn't understand the reason i left. I would tell him that i felt "so alone" but he'd say things like "i'm right here..every day" but he didnt understand it was due to the arguments. The more we argued the more we

 

He'd distance himself from me and when i tried to approach him to fix our problems he'd stonewall and retreat even further until it "fades" but it never did.

 

My situation very very similar to checkoutat10's post. My h is also in the military and we argued A LOT about the same things. The love is there.. but now the damages from the arguing and not coming into agreement are taking it's toll.

 

He did offer to come here and go to counseling while he was here. He would have only been here for a week and we'd probably go to counseling about 2-3 times. My IC was willing to call in another colleague to be our MC. But he was adamant about his decision and said he'd only use the MC to convince me that we needed to divorce. He feels that MC is a "pointless" and that theres no "magic fix" to our problems.

 

I don't think our problems were big.. but because we didn't solve them in a healthy way… it snowballed into other things. There was no infidelity, no physical abuse (and he's even said that he feels our problems were small).... just misunderstandings and lack of communication.

 

I want to just fly back and get professional help but i just don't know what to do. How to even begin to talk to my H after recent events. I just feel stuck.

[dreamcatcher975]

After a ton of back and forth between h and I.. I gave in and agreed on what he wanted -- a divorce. I figure he'd no longer contact me and the next time I hear from him would be about our divorce.

 

Now, he's texting me regarding household items that were handled during the first months of separation. Before I left, we agreed on some household goods I'd want and he'd send me... (He even asked me to email him a list of things I want so he can send them to me and I did and didn't get a reply or complaint about the items.) now he's acting like it's all brand new. He asked me if I had still wanted this particular Item. I respond, and now my answer is no longer acceptable. We spoke of this before, over and over and it's nothing new.

 

I don't understand. How is it a guy who says he no longer wants me.. And when I comply now he brings up issues that were solved. how does a person handle that?

 

Any advice on how to speak to him? I feel like he is trying to reach out again because I agreed with the d.