Q for the MM

[KissMyTiara]

How often do you think about your OW?

When you leave her, is she out of your mind? Are you refocused on family/work/etc., or does she creep into your thoughts?

Do you have daydreams about leaving W and being with her?

[StillHurtin]

KMT, since you haven't had any replies I asked H if he could answer these questions for you about how he was when he was having his A.

 

 

How often do you think about your OW?

Everyday. He was her supervisor so he was around her 10 hours a day, 5 days a week.

 

 

When you leave her, is she out of your mind?

When he was away from her he thought about her.

 

 

 

Are you refocused on family/work/etc., or does she creep into your thoughts?

 

When he was w/ me and our children he said she didn't creep into his thoughts. He worked w/ her so of course he was around her. They were constantly w/ eachother.

 

 

 

 

Do you have daydreams about leaving W and being with her?

He said he never had daydreams about leaving me for her. He said he never thought of me and her that way. When he had his A w/ her he said that he was confused. He didn't know if he wanted to leave me. She even said he didn't know what he wanted. I don't think he was thinking about leaving me for her totally. He had his doubts about leaving me. He didn't want to leave me for her. He said that wasn't the reason for the D.

[whichwayisup]

That was really nice of you to do this for KMT. To ask your husband those questions...Must have been hard.

I commend you for that and you're very strong.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

That was really nice of you to do this for KMT. To ask your husband those questions...Must have been hard.

I commend you for that and you're very strong.

 

Thanks. Honestly, it wasn't really that hard. It has been almost 2 years since the A. I think my heart is finally starting to heal. At times I think of the A and it hurts, but not near as much it did a year to when it happened. Depending on the ? he doesn't seem to mind answering me. At first it was hard for him to answer. I asked some pretty personal ? about him and the OW. Some of his answers hurt, but he was being honest. Some of his answers were disgusting, and some were funny b/c he made fun of the OW.

 

I hope KMT is getting the answers she is looking for.

[KissMyTiara]

I've received markedly different responses privately. If anyone is interested in hearing them, go ahead an PM me.

[mourningMM]

Here's a bit of knowledge I'll be happy to offer up...at times it makes me laugh.

 

My exBF had a very specific perspective on our relationship, it was and this is a quote "safe, fulfilling, consensual sex" Can you tell he is a lawyer? I never really understood how it could be fulfilling if there wasn't a love connection...but I digress.

 

As part of the essentially physical relationship, he once made the comment that he only had about 7 seconds of real brain-power a minute. The other 53 were taken up fantasizing. Mostly about what we'd done that was fun, what he wanted to do that was fun, and what he imagined that I'd have fun doing!

 

I'd bet solid money that most men are like that...there is a little background processor that continually reminds them "sex is around the corner".

 

From that perspective, if there are two women in a MM's life, I'd also bet solid money that he thinks about whoever he's planning on being with next. Or whoever he saw most recently.

 

My MM knew my schedule allowed me Thursday nights free...and every week, like clockwork, when I saw him Tuesday morning at the coffee shop he'd have a gleam in his eye. Then the emails would start, feeling me out about whether or not I'd be available for playtime on Thursday night. Sometimes I was, sometimes I wasn't...But if I wasn't, he'd be more than ready to offer to come over after I came home from a date.

I never could see him after a date...too icky.

 

I used to get calls from him when he was stuck in traffic...or when he had been to the mall and looked in Vic's and seen something he wanted me to wear. Or he'd just get himself all wriled up and need to see me because he was climbing the walls. Once the motor got turned on, he couldn't be satisfied with anything else.

 

Part of the problems that he had with his wife had to do with her lower sex drive. I suggested to him that if he were around more to help her, she'd have more energy for playtime. I also suggested that he talk to her about how often he though about sex...letting her believe that she was the object of his thoughts most of the time. I think that was part of what made the difference in the end.

 

After all, what adult female can resist having someone think about them 53 out of 60 seconds a minute! Love or not, that's a hell of alot of attention.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by mourningMM

From that perspective, if there are two women in a MM's life, I'd also bet solid money that he thinks about whoever he's planning on being with next. Or whoever he saw most recently.

 

 

I used to get calls from him when he was stuck in traffic...or when he had been to the mall and looked in Vic's and seen something he wanted me to wear. Or he'd just get himself all wriled up and need to see me because he was climbing the walls. Once the motor got turned on, he couldn't be satisfied with anything else.

 

 

I can relate to evreything you've said. My MM calls quite often, sometimes predictably, and sometimes randomly. That's what made me wonder if I was always in this thoughts - how can you not be thinking about someone all the time if you're calling her like 5 times a day?? And knowing we have "playtime" pretty often makes me think I'm in his thoughts at least 40 seconds out of every minute! I have to admit, I don't mind!

[Mustard Bomb]

StillHurtin -

 

Just a note to say that you are so strong! Holy cow!

[Mr Spock]

It's hard not to push when you're frustrated, I am right now-I'm fearing I've reached a stalemate with my MM in that he's getting what he needs from me while I need more and more-I am unsure what to do at this point. I'm past the point where I'm unsure of what he feels for me, I know very well how much he likes me-I just wish he'd grow some balls and leave. I don't know how to make that happen, and I don't know how to make it happen soon.

 

 

I don't care how much he thinks about me, if he thinks about me when he's at home, at work, taking a poop, pounding one off-it doesn't mean anything until the relationship is valid. It's odd that even when the relationship is running smoothly I'm still upset because I can't have the whole thing, and I want it. I'm sure what I SHOULD do is say "call me when you're single" but that would mean depriving myself of a person I find it hard to not think about on an hourly if not daily basis.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I'm sure what I SHOULD do is say "call me when you're single" but that would mean depriving myself of a person I find it hard to not think about on an hourly if not daily basis.

 

That's it? That's as often as you think about MM? You're a lucky, lucky woman.

[Mr Spock]

It's the WHOLE hour, on an hourly basis.

[candyfloss]

This might sound hypacritical because Ive been goin through somthing similar to u, but from my own thoughts that have been goin on lately, and from wot people have told me, the only blunt but truthfull advice I can give to u is to move on from ur MM. I have been waitin ages for something to happen but it hasnt and it probably wont happen. Ur MM Probably wont leave his W.

 

I really dont know why people can think they can go on know matter how long it lasts with having a relationship with two people. Can u really be in love with two people. Do people need more than one person to make them whole. I dont understand. I think they are just lying to themselves, and the people they are involved with. They are having their cake and eating it, like someone has just recently said to me. The only victim at the end of the day is the actual person in the relationship that is being cheated on, and its not fair.

[mourningMM]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I'm past the point where I'm unsure of what he feels for me, I know very well how much he likes me-I just wish he'd grow some balls and leave. I don't know how to make that happen, and I don't know how to make it happen soon.

 

Two points here Mr. Spock:

• You said LIKES instead of LOVES. Was that Freudian? Do you really believe that just because he "likes/loves" you that he doesn't still "like/love" his wife? Hopefully you don't believe that just because he says so. It isn't just his wife that he might be liking or loving, it could be his children or his lifestyle too...
  
• You can't make anything happen either sooner or later. It is completely up to him...and if he's given you the illusion that you have any control at all, you need to look really hard at the reality you've built for yourself. If you have to wake up alone in the morning while he is home spooning with his wife and feeling her warmth, you have no control at all.
  

 

I think the most scary self-deception that OW have is that they believe a MM will treat them differently from the way they treat their wives...

 

Leopards don't change their spots.

A rose is a rose is a rose.

And cheaters always cheat.

 

My ex is a great example. The three times I've bumped into him and his OW (soon to be fiancee') he has left her standing alone, unsupported in front of me. Once he hid behind a stack of candles, the second time he pretended he didn't see me and walked away. The third time, we were in Target, and he said he needed to pick something up in a different aisle.

 

OK...it did make me grin an evil grin inside. What kind of supporting and loving relationship does that indicate? Where is that love?

 

I think I was a red lego, and when he popped me out of my place in his life, he just found a blue one to stick in the hole. No changes required for him...no growth.

 

She's going to have a really bad year in 2014...if he is true to form....although since they won't have kids he may last with her a bit longer.

 

You are in the romance phase...if he sucks at real life with her, odds are that he'll suck at real life with you too.

[Owl]

KMT- I know you don't consider my wife's case to be an affair, but I thought I'd offer up what I know she went through for your thoughts as well.

 

Realize that I caught them early on in this...they'd only been "in love" for about 6-8 weeks...and really only getting serious about figuring out if what they had was "real" for the last two weeks of that...

 

She thought of him pretty constantly. He was an absolute constant in her mind when this was all at its peak. He called her 2-3 times a day, and she called him on several occasions as well. (she would have called more, but knew that the bill would attract my attention) They IM'ed each other almost constantly during the day, and the three of us would all game together (at her behest) at nite in an MMORPG that the three of us played. She called him several times at nite when I'd get frustrated with trying to get her to come upstairs when I was ready for bed after I'd given up and gone to bed.

 

From the chat sessions I'd captured, I realized it was a pretty constant thing. Hell, she'd told him that all she could think of while the kids and I took her out to The Cheesecake Factory for Mother's Day lunch was to wonder what kind of cheesecake he liked.

 

Again, this was early on in things. While the "relationship" they had was just getting started...and I realize you don't consider this to be an "affair". But I thought I'd let you know what she felt at that time.

[SoleMate]

KMT - please sign up on match.com, dinner for six, or SOMETHING and start meeting some single men. Please. Today, I am really feeling sorry for you because this affair you're in with the lying, lazy, sex-god MM seems like a prison - maybe even death row where you are left alone with your painful thoughts, most of the time.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by mourningMM

Two points here Mr. Spock:

• You said LIKES instead of LOVES. Was that Freudian? Do you really believe that just because he "likes/loves" you that he doesn't still "like/love" his wife? Hopefully you don't believe that just because he says so. It isn't just his wife that he might be liking or loving, it could be his children or his lifestyle too...
  
• You can't make anything happen either sooner or later. It is completely up to him...and if he's given you the illusion that you have any control at all, you need to look really hard at the reality you've built for yourself. If you have to wake up alone in the morning while he is home spooning with his wife and feeling her warmth, you have no control at all.
  

 

I think the most scary self-deception that OW have is that they believe a MM will treat them differently from the way they treat their wives...

 

Leopards don't change their spots.

A rose is a rose is a rose.

And cheaters always cheat.

 

My ex is a great example. The three times I've bumped into him and his OW (soon to be fiancee') he has left her standing alone, unsupported in front of me. Once he hid behind a stack of candles, the second time he pretended he didn't see me and walked away. The third time, we were in Target, and he said he needed to pick something up in a different aisle.

 

OK...it did make me grin an evil grin inside. What kind of supporting and loving relationship does that indicate? Where is that love?

 

I think I was a red lego, and when he popped me out of my place in his life, he just found a blue one to stick in the hole. No changes required for him...no growth.

 

She's going to have a really bad year in 2014...if he is true to form....although since they won't have kids he may last with her a bit longer.

 

You are in the romance phase...if he sucks at real life with her, odds are that he'll suck at real life with you too.

 

I say "likes" instead of "loves" for several reasons. I do not believe he loves his wife. Why? I don't think he understands what love is.

 

I've asked him why he stays when he's so blantantly unhappy-he says because he's "comfortable". I'm not going to get stuck in the position where I have to defend him-I won't-he IS an assh*le there is no doubt of that. I won't get stuck into a position where I'm saying "he sleeps downstairs" or "they hardly ever have sex" because that's besides the point, and meaningless.

 

What I need to do is stop focusing on the things I cannot control (PMS will cause me to freak out about things sometimes) and hope to get to the point where I can break away. And say "when you're single, give me a call". What am I doing now? Being afraid to do just that, in case I don't get what I want.

 

I hope your ex doesn't repeat himself. I can tell you as someone who's been on all sides of infidelity that it's not something I would care to do again-I'd leave first.

 

The thing is, I fully understand the perspective of "the grass is greener on the other side" I realize fully what he's like-it doesn't bother me. Everybody's different.

[Moose]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

How often do you think about your OW?

When you leave her, is she out of your mind? Are you refocused on family/work/etc., or does she creep into your thoughts?

Do you have daydreams about leaving W and being with her?

 

This question is for the Married Man......I'm assuming that you don't mean all MM, just the slimeballs who cheat on their wives. This is how I think most cheating sob's think about their huzzies:

 

Q. How often do you think about your OW?

 

A. Everytime he wants a piece of a$$. Everytime his wife says no. Everytime he sees another good looking butt walk by.

 

Q. When you leave her, is she out of your mind?

 

A. No. As a matter of fact, chances are the wheels are already turning trying to figure out when the next opportuned time will be to grab another piece of a$$.

 

Q. Are you re-focused on family/work/etc., or does she creep into your thoughts?

 

A. He never was focused on his family, otherwise, he wouldn't need you as his side dish. Work and everything else are probably going better than before because now he has his cake, and he's eating it too.

 

Q.Do you have daydreams about leaving W and being with her?

 

A. Are you crazy? Why would he do that while he's getting the milk for free?

 

I'm sorry for sounding so cruel. But these questions are very real for you......and so are the responses I gave. I don't understand how any OW can convince herself that the MM would have geniune feelings and intentions to leave his wife for them.