lostinlovex2 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm just looking for some advice, only from people who have experienced the same situation. A little back story, both had affairs, he was married I was not. We walked away from our then SO, and then each other, so he could get divorced. He's been divorced for a year, and we've been dating since last June. I recently met his family for the first time over Thanksgiving, then they came to visit us for Christmas. While they were here for Christmas, they went behind his back and spent a lot of time with his ex-wife. I just don't quite know how to feel about this. I also spent time with them while they were here, and they were nice and pleasant (whether it was real I'm not sure), I just don't know if they plan on always keeping in contact with her or not. I get the feeling they aren't really interested in getting to know me, and will continue to keep in touch with his ex-wife even though there are not children involved. I guess I'm just wondering if I should stick it out and hope they'll eventually come around or what? I know that I don't want to live that way forever as family is incredibly important to me. I love him and don't want to walk away at all, but is "you don't just marry the man you marry his family" true? If so, I don't want to sign up for that if it's going to be like this forever. Any suggestions welcome. Thanks! Happy Friday! Link to post Share on other sites
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I still talk to my ex's family. We were married for 10 years and we have children together, and I became close to some of his family. When you get married, some spouses form a bond with their partner's family, and when divorce happens, those people still remain friends. It doesn't mean they can't form a bond with you. It just means that they are remaining neutral and civil about the divorce. I wouldn't take this personally or hold it against them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I think it's normal that if someone has been married or in a LTR for a while that the family becomes close with the SO and thinks of them as family too. They most likely won't all of a sudden start ignoring this person and acting like they never existed and embrace the new person. They are polite and nice to you, but they don't know you that well yet. If kids were involved the kids would have to take time to know you and develop a relationship and often won't like you beyond being polite in the beginning. It's actually the same with family sometimes, they don't know you that well, if they have been used to someone else and if they didn't want the divorce, they won't simply embrace you overnight. It hasn't even been a year since you've been together yet, you have to be patient and realize it will take time. It will suit you better IME to understand where they're coming from and continue coming around and being nice to them and being open and over time they will warm up to you, as it is still fresh. But if you start getting entitled or acting snippy like you demand that they stop speaking to the ex and start embracing you, it won't win you any friends with them. Give it more time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 (edited) You didn't mention if he has kids? My husband was married for 20 years prior to our marriage. As Miss Bee pointed out, she was close with some of the family members and remains so. I used to think this would bother me, but, actually it does not at all. Because he has two grown kids, it is much easier for all involved if we all can exist together peacefully. His Ex is FB friends with some of his family. She and I are FB friends as well. Often, when a family member posts something there will be comments from the kids, she and I, etc. I suppose to outsiders it may look strange, but for us, it works well. I think the point I am trying to make is the secrecy portion may well be what is bothering you? In our situation, no one feels like they need to go behind anyone's back. edited: oops, I did see he does not have kids. I might be tempted to let it bother me, but really, does it matter? He loves you. His family can like both of you. My comments on secrecy still apply though. Edited January 3, 2014 by WasOtherWoman Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 "you don't just marry the man you marry his family" true? To address this though.... I think it all depends on how old you are when you marry. Having married my husband as a grown women, successful in her career, etc., I look at it differently probably then I would had a married him as a young girl. My H's children, absolutely. I love them and they are my family. His siblings, yep, I like them also. His mother? Dreadful little woman. She hates me. I am ashamed to admit it, but it actually amuses me how much she dislikes me. I always tease his ex because his mother dislikes me so much now that she now loves his ex. I am making her look good That said, I don't necessarily buy into the marrying the family once you are already established adults (except for spouse's kids...). Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 How long was he married to his wife before they split up? The thing is, like it or not, she and his parents consider themselves family still, regardless of the divorce. Maybe she was closer to his family than her own, or maybe her parents aren't alive anymore. My cousin divorced his wife and remarried many years ago (non affair related) and his ex still was considered family and remained very close to her in laws. It's really not your place to try to get his ex away from his family, accept it and let it go. Don't try to interfere in their friendship/relationship that doesn't include you. Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh or blunt. Maybe because you and him got together due to an affair, his family is having trouble accepting you for that reason. Be nice, kind and courteous towards them and hope some day they accept you and your R with their son. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm closer to my x's family than my own, as far as Im concerned they are blood relatives as they are related to my daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I'm just looking for some advice, only from people who have experienced the same situation. A little back story, both had affairs, he was married I was not. We walked away from our then SO, and then each other, so he could get divorced. He's been divorced for a year, and we've been dating since last June. I recently met his family for the first time over Thanksgiving, then they came to visit us for Christmas. While they were here for Christmas, they went behind his back and spent a lot of time with his ex-wife. I just don't quite know how to feel about this. I also spent time with them while they were here, and they were nice and pleasant (whether it was real I'm not sure), I just don't know if they plan on always keeping in contact with her or not. I get the feeling they aren't really interested in getting to know me, and will continue to keep in touch with his ex-wife even though there are not children involved. I guess I'm just wondering if I should stick it out and hope they'll eventually come around or what? I know that I don't want to live that way forever as family is incredibly important to me. I love him and don't want to walk away at all, but is "you don't just marry the man you marry his family" true? If so, I don't want to sign up for that if it's going to be like this forever. Any suggestions welcome. Thanks! Happy Friday! He and his ex wife divorced. It doesn't mean that his family has to divorce her too. My brother already told me point blank that if/when I divorce, he still wants to be close friends with my H. It really doesn't bother me. They have a bond. Why should it be broken just because I want a divorce? He's with you so I wouldn't worry about what his family thinks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 You know what I think also helped, Lost? Thinking back to when this all began, my husband told me that if it bothered me that his family kept in contact with his ex he would put a stop to it. Helped me to put it in perspective, somehow. Year later, his Ex is a lot of fun and I like her, so it is all good. How does your man feel about the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
whereamigoing Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I echo a lot of these sentiments. xW is very close with fMM's family because her own is pretty nonexistent. The divorce is just now being finalized and while all has been quite civil I know, he knows, and his family knows how hard it has been on her. I see know reason why she can't maintain the support system she needs. I have not met the family yet as him and I are just beginning our relationship anew but I know it will take a while to be welcomed in, and it may never truly happen. But that's okay too because the affair and divorce affected them too and they are allowed to deal with it as they wish. It simply means I won't go with him to visit them if I am unwelcome but I will have no problem welcoming them to our side when they choose to do so. In time, once they get to know me, they will realize I'm not just the flaming harlot, I am also a good friend, funny, polite, helpful, and, most importantly, exceptionally well-suited for fMM. When they realize he is happy, due in large part to me, they will come around, I imagine the same thing will happen with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 My family stays in contact with my ex and I stay in contact with his mom. I wouldn't have an issue with it. Do you feel threatened? Why does it bother you? Link to post Share on other sites
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