herself Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 13 yrs ago I met a man at work and we stayed on touch long after we left our jobs there. We were not yet married to others, he was single, I had a bf. We had lunch every day for 2 plus yrs and many happy hours alone. Long intense hugs but never a pa beyond that. Eventually we would both marry, me first & him a few years later. He pulled the cold act & went mia a few times, and when.he & his wife concieved I thought that was the end as at that point our contact via email/text hsf become veerrryyyyy risque. It actually only intensified a thousand times stronger this past solid year. A few months back however he began to profess guilt & told me he wanted to end the sultry talk & be platonic. i would abide but it HURT. It went from photos, love professions, even phone sex to nada. Neither of us wanted to EVER leave our spouses so there wasn't pressure. I honestly had to wonder if he used me as a filler as his wife tended to babies & he was getting maybe no sex? I never asked.? Either way it had become strained since then, 5 days out if the blue of no contact from him when it used to be all day & night. I guess when i asked him about it over email & listed all the changes & asked why, he snappef & said I am DONE you wont hear from me again. He softened when I wrote back & reminded him how many years, but said, I cant do this right now, I need time to get in a good place & will write you when I am ready. What could be happening here, and do I try the friendship since it wasnt a pa & because we were long term friends for YEARS before progressing? Or would you suggest no contact & walk away? This is tearing me apart. Im sick over it. Help? Link to post Share on other sites
Author herself Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Ps. I went no contact, for maybe 2 weeks blocked phone & emails, so no merry christmas, nothing. It was so sad, I barely ate or slept, then my bday was right after xmas & I looked at craigslist missed connections as I do about once a month (stupid guilty pleasure) and there he was with a birthday & xmas wish. He was shocked when i replied & said thank you. He said he didnt want me out of his life for good. Man, I love my husband first & foremost but THIS seemed like the most intense, exceptionsl, deep kind of soulmate love for us both. I dont understand, the bond was STRONG....hundreds & hundreds of text or emails a day, calls to & from work, lots of I miss you, I love you...meetups where the eye contact & physical chemistry was BURNING. Wth? Did that just die? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Hard to say. Perhaps it was just taking too much energy from him during this time. After all of this time it would seem to be something you both could discuss with it all out on the table. Link to post Share on other sites
Author herself Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Yes maybe too much energy but thats a big maybe since even if I pulled back a tiny bit he would panic, call or text more....he would worry. So the tables turned but it seemed like I wasnt needy or asking for more. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I think he got caught up in the fantasy, realized this was getting too serious and then your email shocked him back into reality. It seems like reality hit him when you began to have expectations- not that you wanted to leave your marriages, but because you began to rely on him for emotional support and validation. He doesn't want to be responsible for your feelings, so he pulls back. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I. have to say you just need to walk away, it's for your own sanity. devote this energy to your husband Link to post Share on other sites
Author herself Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I think your right to a degree but that really stings and I dont know how to feel. Today he said I love you in a quick text. And that he will write when hes ready. Ugh. I mean its just like everything changed overnight. We used to be SO happy to speak & talk and connect, now its awkward distant and I feel abandoned and want to know opinions on whether i should just walk for good. Suddenly feel unwelcome, possibly used, I dont know why we couldnt just sort this out. I guess when he needed all the contact & his ego stroked its fine, but if I say hey, whats up with the distance, Im the needy one needing validation? Seems unfair, i dont understand. But anyone have experience in getting back to platonic after EA? Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) Kind of, but it really didn't go that way. Went from Platonic to EA to PA to EA to Platonic to whatever you call what it is now (basically platonic - but could be regular relationship in future) So, in my case I guess it didn't really work. Edited January 4, 2014 by ZMM Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 friendship after an affair didn't/ doesn't work. the boundary has been crossed and you can't go back..... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Mr Fox is right, once you cross the lines and you two did many times, you can't go back to being "just" friends. too much has been said and also you seem to have deeply fallen in love with him on some level and you're very emotionally attached and involved. Not healthy at all since you are married. Maybe your marriage is good and you're happy but you as a person aren't happy, it's like this OM is your drug and depending on when you hear from him or don't, it totally affects your moods. Your husband must notice your mood changes but doesn't realize what you're doing behind his back. Imagine if your husband stumbles across your emails and texts? What will he think? You may not be having a full on affair but you for sure are having a serious emotional relationship. How would you feel if your husband had an intense EA with another woman? Affairs don't last forever and this one IS doing damage to you, more than you realize. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I think you can go back to being friends, it's not easy, both would have to be on the same page and both would have to be pretty mature in their outlook. It's not that uncommon for Exes from marriages or just LTRs to go on to become good friends. IMO, affairs would be the same. Sometimes there has to be a period of time that passes, but not in all cases. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 The difference is, ex's from regular one on one relationships are not harmful towards a marriage, ex's from affairs ARE. I highly doubt if her husband knew what she was doing, forgave her, he would be OK with her still being friends with her ex AP, albeit an EA, it still is an affair because of how she feels towards him (soul mate, love etc). Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 The difference is, ex's from regular one on one relationships are not harmful towards a marriage, ex's from affairs ARE. I highly doubt if her husband knew what she was doing, forgave her, he would be OK with her still being friends with her ex AP, albeit an EA, it still is an affair because of how she feels towards him (soul mate, love etc). I think sometimes even with previous LTRs and previous Ms, that the relationship partner may not be comfortable if they have a close friendship with an Ex. And she was asking if it's possible, which I think it is. It may or may not cause issues, but it is possible. It does take the right combination of people and their partners. JMO Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I don't think it's as serious as OP makes it. Sure he pulled back but in a respectful way. I don't think he means to be just friends for long but it sounds as something happened to spook him or maybe he's had some sort of life trauma. I bet if you would have taken the friendship role he would have already confided in you about his decision to withdraw. I don't think there is any level of him using you any more than the normal amount of mutual using that occurs in this type of relationship. I think if you relax and use the time to focus on your marriage in time things will clear with him and you can resume the normal situation. At that point you can discuss how this was handled and how you would prefer it were handled if a future similar situation were to arise. Think long and hard about how you feel and be clear what you can and cannot accept out of this relationship. When emotional connections are under extreme circumstances and something feels off, keeping a cool head and finding a tactful way to address it will keep You looking cool and in control. It feels like you've always had the upper hand in the relationship and now you wanna take your ball and go home because your not calling the shots anymore. You've always had a boyfriends but He was your toy which means his relationship was always secondary to what you two shared on his end. Now that he's put something else first your feelings are hurt. I wouldn't worry about it, if this is a real long term thing there's gonna be some weird pause and some variations in speed, just be mature about it. It should clear soon. Link to post Share on other sites
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