Harmful comments about my ex who has passed away

[DonnyBeGood]

I got out of a 5 year relationship when my ex moved out after breaking up with me. I had seen the end coming for a while and that we finally agreed to separate made me very happy. I saw it as a new beginning for both of us. But honestly, a big part of it was the idea that I would date again, meet new people, have new sex, discover if there was a lot more than the toxic relationship I had just been in.

 

Disaster struck immediately. Beautiful irresistible disaster. Within two weeks I'd been spending more and more time hanging out with my neighbor, an extremely attractive girl who I had never really spoken with while I was still with my ex. Long conversations on our feet outside our doors turned into inviting her in to sit. After hanging out almost everyday for a week, we drank a lot one night and I slept over. That turned into sleeping over nearly every night of the week for months. Waking up, eating meals together, going our separate ways, meeting back up at the end of the day. There was a huge physical attraction. She admitted that she had a crush on me from the very first time we passed in the stairwell month previous. I had been a fantasy of hers, and forbidden fruit as well. She was just my type physically, had beautiful tattoos, the kind of body I dream of. We had things in common I'd never known I had in common with anyone. Great things, awful things. I loved the things that made her laugh, that made her cry. Her wonderful personality. I loved everything about her. And, I mean, it was so damn convenient lol. I remember laying in bed with her and we discussed that having just gotten out of long term relationships, we were probably playing with fire by seeing eachother in such a way. We both agreed. I rolled over to sleep. She rubbed my back. We snuggled. We kissed. Then we couldn't help ourselves.

 

The bubble burst when one day her ex boyfriend was with her having a smoke on the porch. He stayed over, and I knew about it because we lived in the same building, I could hear him leave the next morning. Sparing lots of details, lets just say that was the end of that, but based on the stupidity of having gotten involved with a neighbor, I forgave her and we moved on as friends. I chose to look back on loving someone as hard as I ever did, loving everything that was great about the situation, when it was great, and leaving it at that. It hurt terribly, but I swept it away as a lesson learned.

 

A few weeks after I met my current girlfriend I had a slip up with the neighbor and we spent a weekend with eachother like old times. I told my current girl about it and she was not angry that I did it, but angry that it was unprotected. She understood giving into temptation, but was really disappointed that I wasn't safe. She said until 3 months had gone by and I had a clean STD test, we had to use protection together. I had been tested for her when we first met as well.

 

A few weeks after that, my neighbor died in a car accident. I was devastated. Everyday when I came home I saw her door, her plants on the window sill. I knew I'd have to watch as her things were removed from her apartment. Furniture I sat on, books I read, plates I'd eaten off of. She has stuff of mine in her place and vice versa. Her family were from another state so it took months to get resolved and let me start to move on. I wondered what it would be like to meet her family and her not be there for it. It was as awkward as I thought. She didn't know she was going to die, I'm sure, as very few people know that. So she hadn't ever really needed to admit to the embarrassing detail of foolishly falling for her neighbor. So I was a secret basically. It's hard to introduce yourself to someone's family and say something like you loved her and they have no idea who you are.

 

She had a boyfriend before she died, for just a few weeks I think, and all of these people were coming to town to put her affairs in order and meeting him. I had been with her for months and felt jealous of him in that way. I knew so much about her, maybe he did too, but for the amount of time we spent together, I felt like I had nobody to grieve her with and this guy who just popped up in her life did. I felt lots of bad things. I was a wreck with grief, sadness, anger. This was what she left me.

 

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to open up to her and she'd take care of me for a few days. Right after it happened. She cooked for me and I tried to eat. I couldn't drive I was so vacant and inattentive. I took time off work and she listened to me cry.

 

I'd stop and ask her if she really wanted to hear about how I loved this girl, or whether I should find another of my friends to talk to. I felt like she was taking on too much dealing with me. She swore she wanted to be there for me and it was OK.

 

Now a few months have passed. We are still together. Once she saw a bottle of nail polish remover on the shelf under my coffee table. Naturally this perked her attention. Who's is it? She asked. I said it had been my neighbors. "Why is it still out?" Because I had two older sisters and a mom growing up and my eyes have seen nail polish remover on the coffee table since before I could read. I had dated a girl for five years and she often had a bottle out. I just didn't notice it still there. To me, it's part of the coffee table, like the remote control, or coasters. She told me I wasn't over her because I kept her "crap" all over my apartment. It hurt hearing her refer to something she left before as crap when I as still at a point in time where I liked to look at things that reminded me of my neighbor sometimes. I honestly hadn't even kept that bottle for that reason. I just never noticed it there. Had I knows it would bother her I'd have easily put it away. I had the remaining possessions of my neighbors that i kept in a box. But months later, sometimes a bobby pin will pop up as my cat finds them and bats them around. Like that horrible song goes "There's always something there to remind me."

 

Another time she was mad at me because I was having a sexual dream and started feeling her up in my sleep. That turned into "you might have treated her like a whore, but I won't allow it." I have no idea why she felt like I treated her like a whore. It was just a sexy dream, sorry for waking you... And I never treated my neighbor like a whore... Nor should anybody have a reason to think I did. I think she just wanted to call her a whore...

 

I have told her how mentioning her in a negative way, in an angry way, hurts me very badly and she should be more careful about it. If I hurt her, all she needs to do is tell me what it did and that it hurt and I'll apologize and avoid doing that. She doesn't need to hurt me in the worst way, by bringing up someone who I still grieve.

 

She turned that into "You put her on a pedestal. I'm here for you, I'm right here and yet she's on a pedestal and she cheated on you and she's gone. I'm here for you,,, but she's on a pedestal.. not me."

 

I understand it in a way. AFter she died I talked only about how I had loved her and would miss her. I felt like I talked about her way too much and that's caused this jealousy. So I stopped talking about her. I went through the part of grief where I was actually really pissed at my neighbor for various things she did to hurt me. THings she did to string me along. PLay me, etc. But I don't like bringing her up around my current girlfriend because she'll end up hurting me when she angrily goes off about my ex like she does. So she just sees this one mental picture where the ex was my perfect angel. Not the full picture that part of why losing her hurt so bad was because I was left high and dry, a stranger, not part of her life.

 

I don't feel a duty to talk ill of the dead simply to help my girlfriend understand that she was no angel. I don't know if she's just hitting my button when she wants to or if she has a legitimate reason to act like this but is just taking it too far.

 

Has anybody experienced something like this?

Edited January 4, 2014 by DonnyBeGood

[DonnyBeGood]

sounds like your girlfriend is too good for you

 

A further detail I forgot to mention. Her and I were in an open relationship at the time and she had another sex partner. I didn't cheat on her.

[Trimmer]

sounds like your girlfriend is too good for you

Is that a swipe at the OP because you think she is really too good for him, or a swipe at the current girlfriend, because you believe she thinks she's too good for him?

[ExpatInItaly]

I got out of a 5 year relationship when my ex moved out after breaking up with me. I had seen the end coming for a while and that we finally agreed to separate made me very happy. I saw it as a new beginning for both of us. But honestly, a big part of it was the idea that I would date again, meet new people, have new sex, discover if there was a lot more than the toxic relationship I had just been in.

 

Disaster struck immediately. Beautiful irresistible disaster. Within two weeks I'd been spending more and more time hanging out with my neighbor, an extremely attractive girl who I had never really spoken with while I was still with my ex. Long conversations on our feet outside our doors turned into inviting her in to sit. After hanging out almost everyday for a week, we drank a lot one night and I slept over. That turned into sleeping over nearly every night of the week for months. Waking up, eating meals together, going our separate ways, meeting back up at the end of the day. There was a huge physical attraction. She admitted that she had a crush on me from the very first time we passed in the stairwell month previous. I had been a fantasy of hers, and forbidden fruit as well. She was just my type physically, had beautiful tattoos, the kind of body I dream of. We had things in common I'd never known I had in common with anyone. Great things, awful things. I loved the things that made her laugh, that made her cry. Her wonderful personality. I loved everything about her. And, I mean, it was so damn convenient lol. I remember laying in bed with her and we discussed that having just gotten out of long term relationships, we were probably playing with fire by seeing eachother in such a way. We both agreed. I rolled over to sleep. She rubbed my back. We snuggled. We kissed. Then we couldn't help ourselves.

 

The bubble burst when one day her ex boyfriend was with her having a smoke on the porch. He stayed over, and I knew about it because we lived in the same building, I could hear him leave the next morning. Sparing lots of details, lets just say that was the end of that, but based on the stupidity of having gotten involved with a neighbor, I forgave her and we moved on as friends. I chose to look back on loving someone as hard as I ever did, loving everything that was great about the situation, when it was great, and leaving it at that. It hurt terribly, but I swept it away as a lesson learned.

 

A few weeks after I met my current girlfriend I had a slip up with the neighbor and we spent a weekend with eachother like old times. I told my current girl about it and she was not angry that I did it, but angry that it was unprotected. She understood giving into temptation, but was really disappointed that I wasn't safe. She said until 3 months had gone by and I had a clean STD test, we had to use protection together. I had been tested for her when we first met as well.

 

A few weeks after that, my neighbor died in a car accident. I was devastated. Everyday when I came home I saw her door, her plants on the window sill. I knew I'd have to watch as her things were removed from her apartment. Furniture I sat on, books I read, plates I'd eaten off of. She has stuff of mine in her place and vice versa. Her family were from another state so it took months to get resolved and let me start to move on. I wondered what it would be like to meet her family and her not be there for it. It was as awkward as I thought. She didn't know she was going to die, I'm sure, as very few people know that. So she hadn't ever really needed to admit to the embarrassing detail of foolishly falling for her neighbor. So I was a secret basically. It's hard to introduce yourself to someone's family and say something like you loved her and they have no idea who you are.

 

She had a boyfriend before she died, for just a few weeks I think, and all of these people were coming to town to put her affairs in order and meeting him. I had been with her for months and felt jealous of him in that way. I knew so much about her, maybe he did too, but for the amount of time we spent together, I felt like I had nobody to grieve her with and this guy who just popped up in her life did. I felt lots of bad things. I was a wreck with grief, sadness, anger. This was what she left me.

 

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to open up to her and she'd take care of me for a few days. Right after it happened. She cooked for me and I tried to eat. I couldn't drive I was so vacant and inattentive. I took time off work and she listened to me cry.

 

I'd stop and ask her if she really wanted to hear about how I loved this girl, or whether I should find another of my friends to talk to. I felt like she was taking on too much dealing with me. She swore she wanted to be there for me and it was OK.

 

Now a few months have passed. We are still together. Once she saw a bottle of nail polish remover on the shelf under my coffee table. Naturally this perked her attention. Who's is it? She asked. I said it had been my neighbors. "Why is it still out?" Because I had two older sisters and a mom growing up and my eyes have seen nail polish remover on the coffee table since before I could read. I had dated a girl for five years and she often had a bottle out. I just didn't notice it still there. To me, it's part of the coffee table, like the remote control, or coasters. She told me I wasn't over her because I kept her "crap" all over my apartment. It hurt hearing her refer to something she left before as crap when I as still at a point in time where I liked to look at things that reminded me of my neighbor sometimes. I honestly hadn't even kept that bottle for that reason. I just never noticed it there. Had I knows it would bother her I'd have easily put it away. I had the remaining possessions of my neighbors that i kept in a box. But months later, sometimes a bobby pin will pop up as my cat finds them and bats them around. Like that horrible song goes "There's always something there to remind me."

 

Another time she was mad at me because I was having a sexual dream and started feeling her up in my sleep. That turned into "you might have treated her like a whore, but I won't allow it." I have no idea why she felt like I treated her like a whore. It was just a sexy dream, sorry for waking you... And I never treated my neighbor like a whore... Nor should anybody have a reason to think I did. I think she just wanted to call her a whore...

 

I have told her how mentioning her in a negative way, in an angry way, hurts me very badly and she should be more careful about it. If I hurt her, all she needs to do is tell me what it did and that it hurt and I'll apologize and avoid doing that. She doesn't need to hurt me in the worst way, by bringing up someone who I still grieve.

 

She turned that into "You put her on a pedestal. I'm here for you, I'm right here and yet she's on a pedestal and she cheated on you and she's gone. I'm here for you,,, but she's on a pedestal.. not me."

 

I understand it in a way. AFter she died I talked only about how I had loved her and would miss her. I felt like I talked about her way too much and that's caused this jealousy. So I stopped talking about her. I went through the part of grief where I was actually really pissed at my neighbor for various things she did to hurt me. THings she did to string me along. PLay me, etc. But I don't like bringing her up around my current girlfriend because she'll end up hurting me when she angrily goes off about my ex like she does. So she just sees this one mental picture where the ex was my perfect angel. Not the full picture that part of why losing her hurt so bad was because I was left high and dry, a stranger, not part of her life.

 

I don't feel a duty to talk ill of the dead simply to help my girlfriend understand that she was no angel. I don't know if she's just hitting my button when she wants to or if she has a legitimate reason to act like this but is just taking it too far.

 

Has anybody experienced something like this?

 

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. Life is precious and it's incredibly difficult to face this.

 

Second, I do have a similar experience. An ex-boyfriend of mine died in an accident; actually, he went missing and has never been found (presumed to have drowned) Two friends passed with him. Needless to say, it was a horribly tragic time. I was also quite young and had never really dealt with grief before.

 

I grieved pretty badly for several months and then met someone. He knew what had happened to my ex, as we are from a small town and it was big news. I realize now that I just wasn't ready to let go yet. I still spoke of my ex from time to time, which was obviously very awkward for my new boyfriend. I also had some of my ex's personal items that I didn't bother to hide, which also wasn't fair of me. After many arguments, I finally told my new boyfriend that I couldn't change my feelings of sadness and loss for my ex - that will always be a hole in my heart. I also made it clear that I would simply not tolerate negative comments about him. Being jealous of a deceased person is not uncommon, but both partners have to be willing to work on it. I also knew I had to be selective in whom I shared my grief and memories with...so I packed my ex's things in a box (which I still have stored in my parents' home; I will never toss it) and made a promise to myself to better separate that from my "new" life.

 

Looking back, I should've spent more time alone to deal with my grief individually. My advice to you is speak candidly with your girlfriend. Let her know that nasty comments just aren't acceptable, and you won't participate in that just to make her feel better. But you also need to keep your thoughts about your ex to yourself or with a neutral friend or family member. NOT your girlfriend. Next, go through your home carefully and gather up anything that belonged to her. Either toss them or keep them in a very private place so you can grieve when you need to - privately. You might need some time apart from your girlfriend so you can both come to terms with the situation. It's very sticky indeed, and my thoughts are with you. PM me if you like.

[burningashes]

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a friend to suicide a while ago, and it happened several months after we stopped speaking. We stopped speaking because I did not want to be more than friends and he felt it was best we weren't friends. But we were incredibly close, and I asked his mother to let me know if anything ever happened to him after we stopped speaking.

 

I found out about his suicide through a magazine several months after it happened. I talked to his mother and apparently she never informed me because she thought I would have heard about it and just decided not to. So it was like I was the last person grieving, and the nature of our friendship was that no one in my life really knew him so I felt I couldn't talk much about my friend to anyone.

 

It got too much for me and I started taking therapy to help resolve my grief. Have you considered therapy? You may not be feeling completely safe with your girlfriend to really tell her how you're feeling, so a therapist may help. Grief can manifest itself in many different forms, and keeping things that belonged to the deceased is quite common for survivors. Do what you need to do, because you don't want to keep all that inside- it'll hurt all the more.

 

Take care of yourself and be kind, you're hurting right now. Therapy, write it down in a journal or talk about it here on LS. Your girlfriend, even with all good intentions, may not be the best person for you to be sharing your grief with simply because you were in a relationship with your neighbour. I can see that it's in the way of your girlfriend's good intentions, and that is why you should consider talking to someone else who can be neutral. Hang in there.

[freetolove]

I agree. I feel sorry for her =( You're such a jerk.

 

 

sounds like your girlfriend is too good for you

[Lady2163]

You're not a jerk and you're girlfriend is being a bitch.

 

You lost someone you loved. How would she feel if a former boyfriend died?

 

Speaking poorly of,the ex is catty and petty. It doesn't matter if they're living or dead.

 

Now...one thing to keep in mind. Girlfriend probably feels like she is fighting the memory of a ghost. A ghost who she probably thinks was perfect in your eyes.

 

This might be a good time to,tell the gf why you're glad you're with her and how great you think she is. You might have to repeat it many times.

 

Oh - and don't talk to her about the ex anymore. Consider a therapist.

 

Think about writing her family a long letter, they would probably love to know how special she was to you.