why oh why Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Well thought I would do an update..... wife of 9 yrs ended our marriage as she said I didn't make her happy anymore and wants to be on her own. This was a few months ago....we now live apart....we was still in contact talking by text mostly anyway just before Xmas it all went badly down hill......we got into a bit of an argument about what's happened and she then blocks my phone number....blocks me on her Facebook. She has changed her name on there too from her married name..... won't answer me if I text even about our kids....was frozen out on Xmas day by her in front of our kids.... like I wasn't even there I was picking them up.....I wished her happy Xmas and again new year by text. And no reply.......sent a long text to her saying everything that needed to be said...... about my mistakes etc....and wanted to be at least friends......and maybe see how it goes about trying again......she sent a msg saying.....I'm the happiest I been in a long time.....on my own we are over for good and it will never change......she has been just so cold towards me.....I'm heartbroken. I Dont want to throw away 9 yes of marriage.....but its like she has removed me completely She seems to only msg me when she wants something. Link to post Share on other sites
True Gent Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 My fiancée has left me after 9 years together. I know it seems crazy, but if they leave you all you can do is let them go. If she hasn't got someone else lined up already you're going to stand a better chance with her if you leave her alone and only make contact for the kids. No other communication with her at all. Crying, begging, and promising to change will only push her further away. Use the time to work on yourself and genuinely be the best you can be. If she thinks she's made a mistake she'll be back in touch with you. Is there another man on the scene? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author why oh why Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 There is no other man on the scene I'm 100% about that I see the kids when I want which I am very thankful for....but have to ask or arrange anything via her parents they call her then the call me back......that's how she wants it not me Link to post Share on other sites
True Gent Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 You've just got to go with it bud, I've been looking into this a lot these last few weeks and letting her get on with it and going no contact is your best option. Chasing them actually pushes them away. I know it is hard, you will hurt and it's a struggle. The thing is if there is any chance for you it's the only way to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author why oh why Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Your right friend. But its just so hard....4 days No contact is the best I have done and then I broke it the only thing I haven't done is long term silence. I sent her the very long msg new year day......thought a new year new start but I just got....i will never EVER want to get back together. Feel like I been hit by a train... Link to post Share on other sites
flightplan Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Hate to hear it, but yeah, it's like trying to hold a cat who wants to get away. The tighter you hold on the more it squirms to get away. Hang in there... Link to post Share on other sites
True Gent Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 It is really hard, but you must give her and (you) some space now. She may never want you back, but being clingy and needy is the last thing she's going to want to come back to. Just focus on yourself and your kids for a while. She may miss you and what you had. In reality going NC at the very beginning would of probably went a long way by now. That's easy said in Hindsight though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author why oh why Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 i have made things worse by being clingy etc ....she is everything to me,thats why i married her.....she just seems to refuse to accept that that there was problems in our relationship from her and me.....but she sees it as its all my fault. just dont understand how she can go from.....your the best thing that ever happened to me......to being shut out of her life like the past 9 yrs never happened, and being so angry......its like she hates me and never done anything to her to make her feel like that.....never cheated etc i guess all i can do now is nothing.....have tried letters flowers etc and its all back fired so if your reading this and thinking of doing that to try and help with things.....DONT it just makes it worse Link to post Share on other sites
rosedl Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 It is so hard. People change their minds. Feelings change. It is why love is a risk. My ex went from 'forever' to 'this very well may not work out' in two weeks. Two months later, it went to why it was impossible to be with me and actively denying his past words and mindset. He's a commitment phobe and has narcissistic tendencies. So, it was like being hit at the knees with a iron pipe. And, yeah, he blamed me as well. I certainly am not perfect but I always owned what I did and tried to take responsibility for it but the withdrawal wasn't about my issues, it was about his fears around intimacy and my mistakes became fodder for justifying him running away. A pattern he has enacted out in all his relationships. My mistakes were unforgivable acts of betrayal and he was 'burned to a cinder' and we were at war. We had two fights. I got emotional and triggered with his continual involvement with his ex. The act of my experiencing an emotion or expressing anger (no matter how justified) became 'abuse'. I wasn't verbally berating him. I wasn't violent. I gave him days and weeks of space when he asked for it. And, I drove myself nuts taking responsibility for his feelings and playing into being the reason he treated me as he did. Co-dependent insanity. I think the best we can do is let them go. You can be honest yourself about mistakes and seeking out unhealthy patterns that you might be repeating and use it to self exam for what you need to do in your own life. But, you can't do anything to change them, what they want, and where they are at.... The more someone blames the other person for creating the situation (unless it is something like serious emotional/verbal/physical abuse and the person really is responsible for causing extreme harm), the more likely they are incapable of doing the work and healing to have a relationship with you (or any relationship for that matter). A lot of it is projecting their own behavior and the guilt around it onto you, so they don't have to feel the shame around their actions. It is cowardly, but it is very human and I don't think people do it on purpose, I think they aren't capable of more. Letting go is not easy. Realize that you do not need her validation or explanation to let go and you very well may never receive it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author why oh why Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Yes I think what you said is true.....so many sad stories on here and lots in common about how people change etc. She msg saying its over and will never ever want to get back together..... concertraite on your own life and being a dad Link to post Share on other sites
justadudehere Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) Sorry you are going through this bro. I say go NC as much as possible. You still have to communicate regarding the kids but leave it at that only. This is probably the only way to spark her interest and open the door for communicating. Trust me, I have been in your shoes with the kids and everything. That was over 8 yrs ago. I cried , begged... the whole nine. I was hardheaded and didn't listen to people who knew... they said leave her alone and she will be back. This happens more times than not when a marriage is involved, they come back at some point. The question will be, will you want them back? When you are able to take a step back and see things clearer, you may not want her back, especially if there is damage done. But stop pleading or even trying to get a response from her. Let her wonder about you for a change. Edited January 4, 2014 by justadudehere 1 Link to post Share on other sites
justadudehere Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 It is so hard. People change their minds. Feelings change. It is why love is a risk. My ex went from 'forever' to 'this very well may not work out' in two weeks. Two months later, it went to why it was impossible to be with me and actively denying his past words and mindset. He's a commitment phobe and has narcissistic tendencies. So, it was like being hit at the knees with a iron pipe. And, yeah, he blamed me as well. I certainly am not perfect but I always owned what I did and tried to take responsibility for it but the withdrawal wasn't about my issues, it was about his fears around intimacy and my mistakes became fodder for justifying him running away. A pattern he has enacted out in all his relationships. My mistakes were unforgivable acts of betrayal and he was 'burned to a cinder' and we were at war. We had two fights. I got emotional and triggered with his continual involvement with his ex. The act of my experiencing an emotion or expressing anger (no matter how justified) became 'abuse'. I wasn't verbally berating him. I wasn't violent. I gave him days and weeks of space when he asked for it. And, I drove myself nuts taking responsibility for his feelings and playing into being the reason he treated me as he did. Co-dependent insanity. I think the best we can do is let them go. You can be honest yourself about mistakes and seeking out unhealthy patterns that you might be repeating and use it to self exam for what you need to do in your own life. But, you can't do anything to change them, what they want, and where they are at.... The more someone blames the other person for creating the situation (unless it is something like serious emotional/verbal/physical abuse and the person really is responsible for causing extreme harm), the more likely they are incapable of doing the work and healing to have a relationship with you (or any relationship for that matter). A lot of it is projecting their own behavior and the guilt around it onto you, so they don't have to feel the shame around their actions. It is cowardly, but it is very human and I don't think people do it on purpose, I think they aren't capable of more. Letting go is not easy. Realize that you do not need her validation or explanation to let go and you very well may never receive it. WOW just WOW, summed up my experience that led me here. I think some people are incapable of having even a remotely healthy relationship. I too am looking at myself to see what patterns I repeat and what behaviors need to be changed. In the end that is all we can do. Link to post Share on other sites
sambo77 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 The hardest thing in the world that I have EVER realised has hit me after this recent BU. It has taken three long term relationships (one of them a marriage...like yours...with a son) and a few little relationships peppered in between for me to realise something SO obvious, yet something that I have been SO blind to all of my life. One of the things that makes life worthwhile, the elixir or tonic for making life meaningful, if you like: love, can ONLY be drawn from the most unreliable source in the universe...other human beings. They (and I'm one of them) can, and do, love you so beautifully and intensely (so much so that you'll feel like you're in paradise)...only to abandon you and give up their love to another at the blink of an eye. They can love you passionately, only to hate you with the same passion just a few yards down the road. They can love you...but their love can be toxic...ultimately leaving you in more pain than you'd have been in had you never known such love existed. Oxygen is vital and it's everywhere...you just gotta open your mouth and breath in...love is vital and it's as hard to find as a flower in the desert and as hard to keep hold of as a handful of sand. Your name "why oh why" pretty much sums it up... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
flightplan Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 One of the things that makes life worthwhile, the elixir or tonic for making life meaningful, if you like: love, can ONLY be drawn from the most unreliable source in the universe...other human beings. The most reliable source of love is to love yourself. Self love is what will draw a healthy relationship to your life. Looking for love or validation from someone else or some other source will always lead to heartbreak. Once you learn to love yourself, everything else falls into place. That's my focus as I move forward. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author why oh why Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 well only a small step from me....but now into day 4 of no contact.....nothing i do is going to change anything.... believe me i have tried! to be honest not sure if things could ever be the same...if we did get back together after so much hurt from her.....to go from best thing ever to happen to her...to silence without doing anything to make that happen.....i dont think i can forget Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 You are making progress. Be proud of yourself, 4 days is a good beginning. It will get easier although there will be setbacks, but as long as you are good to yourself you will get through it. It is also good that you are realizing that you deserve better than what she the pain she is giving you, that will also make it easier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author why oh why Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 Its 4 am. Can't sleep just feel on such a low here alone, I Dont have a single friend in the world no one to talk too and feel like its never going to get any better I had everything I wanted.....and got lazy and thought she would never leave me. Dont know were to start trying to fix anything She won't come back I know that much Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Start by fixing yourself. Get out and exercise, or go for walks, eat some good food. You need to make positive changes in your own life before anyone, including your wife, might consider adding you to their life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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