SuperFantastico Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I've been friends with this girl since i was 17 and i have loved her for most of that time. She only has ever thought of me as a friend regardless of any effort i put forth to change that. I'm just not her type. I accept that. My problem now is that even after all this time(20 years) i still have feeling for her. We recently have gotten close again after she had a very bad break up with her boyfriend months ago. I tried one more time.....with a txt message(my buddy said it was a douche move, which i have to agree). Now i'm much older then that teen-20's kid i was back then. I'm much more confident and secure in myself now, but man even so it felt like i was hit by a hammer when i got the 'your a good friend but i don't want anything more' reply. The thing is I can't do this any more. My feelings will never change in regards to her. So im going to end this friendship once and for all. Usually i pussy out and just email, txt, or don't call her, but to truly end a friendship i think i should do this in person. I'm not even sure what advice i need. I know what needs to be done. Shes on vacation right now so i'm waiting until she gets back. I don't want to ruin her vacation. I don't know how she will react. Sometimes i think she doesn't even really care that much for me. She does the aloof thing very well as well as making ambiguous statements(which drive me crazy). Im basically going to say what i just said up there. I've tried for so long but i can't think of her as just a friend, so i have to go(hopefully a little more eloquently) Anyways, comments/concerns/advice welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
juvevk Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 If your feelings can't change towards her, then you have to end things now before you start to resent her for not having those same feelings towards you. Since you guys have been friends for so long, I've got the feeling that it's too late for the resentment, more of a reason to end things now. It will be better for both of you. You wont have to keep getting hurt every time she's in a relationship and you have to hear about it. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedsoul14 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Ending this friendship does sound like the best solution. If she hasn't considered you more than a friend yet, she probably never will. And you are just wasting your time and energy on something that can never work. Instead you should start looking for someone who will accept the amount of love you are capable of giving her. It doesn't make sense to exhaust your feelings like that. Save it for someone who really wants and deserves your love. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I would tell her how you feel. You love her but you can't move on with your life and be complete with just friendship. If she is your friend she will understand that you have to leave, for a while, to move on. Be strong and think of yourself and your needs. You have to be selfish, a little, now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
juvevk Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Or perhaps the two of you need a long break from each other. Give yourself time to become close with others, to see if your feelings vent out and change. My best friend and I did that and we are closer friends now than before. I still love her, but am not in love with her anymore and have even set her up on dates with some of my friends. You should maybe give that a try as a last resort. If things don't change, then don't resume the friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuperFantastico Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Or perhaps the two of you need a long break from each other. Give yourself time to become close with others, to see if your feelings vent out and change. My best friend and I did that and we are closer friends now than before. I still love her, but am not in love with her anymore and have even set her up on dates with some of my friends. You should maybe give that a try as a last resort. If things don't change, then don't resume the friendship. As nice as that sounds, i don't think it will change much of anything in the long run. I did that about 5 or 6 years ago. I didn't talk to her for a year and a half and when we started talking again it was sorta a distant pen pal kinda situation. She did get into a long term relationship with a guy just after we started talking again, and she seemed happy so i was happy. Inevitably it always ends up the same though. Its like a habit we both have. Its like when you meet up with a friend you haven't seen in 10 years, and within an hour or two you are both acting like you were back then as if no time has passed. Thats how it is with her and I. I just have to have the courage to do this face to face. Thats the only way i can end this and get some kind of closure. Plus i really don't want to end on a bad note. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuperFantastico Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I would tell her how you feel. You love her but you can't move on with your life and be complete with just friendship. If she is your friend she will understand that you have to leave, for a while, to move on. Be strong and think of yourself and your needs. You have to be selfish, a little, now. Agreed. I think its for the best. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuperFantastico Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Should i say it in a final way as in this is the end and we'll never see each other again, or is that just too dramatic? Maybe i should just end with goodbye. I really should have done all 3 replies in one post Link to post Share on other sites
MrMeh Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I would say it as an absolute farewell. As you said, you would simply rekindle your friendship as if nothing had happened from both perspectives if one of you were to contact each other years later. Just end this emotional block and move on with your current confident self. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I wouldn't burn the bridge unless she gives you flack about your decision. No need to spell out it being final. Just let things take there own course. She has been a good friend after all. Don't act like you don't appreciate that! Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Been there, done that. If she sees you as just a friend, she won't care if you end the friendship. She isn't emotionally invested. In fact, when you tell her, you will be shocked at how quickly and easily she lets you go. It's not even because she cares about you and wants what is best for you. She simply won't care. Not trying to be cruel. Just preparing you since I have gone through this. Let us know how it goes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SmartDude Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 There is another way to do this... Let go of the idea that you and her might possibly be together in a relationship sometime in the future. Just let it go...accept the reality of the situation. Why are people so determined to throw the baby out with the bathwater? Would you rather lose a friend, or as an alternative, make an internal change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Been there, done that. If she sees you as just a friend, she won't care if you end the friendship. She isn't emotionally invested. In fact, when you tell her, you will be shocked at how quickly and easily she lets you go. It's not even because she cares about you and wants what is best for you. She simply won't care. Not trying to be cruel. Just preparing you since I have gone through this. Let us know how it goes. This is cruel but true. I have been on both sides of unrequited love friendships. I can tell you that you perceive her every word and action in a magnified way and probably attach hidden meaning to things. She is just going with the flow and not giving you a second thought. She will probably be a bit WTF when you end the friendship but will forget soon after. You are putting way too much thought into ending it. It doesn't matter how you do it. You need to work more on convincing yourself to stop beating the dead horse. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Originally Posted by Frank13 Been there, done that. If she sees you as just a friend, she won't care if you end the friendship. She isn't emotionally invested. In fact, when you tell her, you will be shocked at how quickly and easily she lets you go. It's not even because she cares about you and wants what is best for you. She simply won't care. Not trying to be cruel. Just preparing you since I have gone through this. Let us know how it goes. This is cruel but true. I have been on both sides of unrequited love friendships. I can tell you that you perceive her every word and action in a magnified way and probably attach hidden meaning to things. She is just going with the flow and not giving you a second thought. She will probably be a bit WTF when you end the friendship but will forget soon after. You are putting way too much thought into ending it. It doesn't matter how you do it. You need to work more on convincing yourself to stop beating the dead horse. 2 great replies. I'll add: If anything, she'll have an 'ego' hurt not a heart hurt over this. It is not healthy or good to be friends with someone you are in love with and want, it just messes you up. We've all been there at some point in our lives, whether it be teenaged years, or early adulthood, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Been there, done that. If she sees you as just a friend, she won't care if you end the friendship. She isn't emotionally invested. In fact, when you tell her, you will be shocked at how quickly and easily she lets you go. It's not even because she cares about you and wants what is best for you. She simply won't care. Not trying to be cruel. Just preparing you since I have gone through this. Let us know how it goes. She is just going with the flow and not giving you a second thought. She will probably be a bit WTF when you end the friendship but will forget soon after. 2 great replies. I'll add: If anything, she'll have an 'ego' hurt not a heart hurt over this. I disagree with the above - people can care deeply for platonic friends. I have been in this exact situation OP, but on the other side. A close friend of mine for years and years finally came clean and told me that he had been in love with me for a very long time - I had no idea prior to this point. He said he had tried and tried to get over it, and had dated many other women throughout our friendship, but he said it just would not pass. He advised me that he had been struggling, and that it was now painful for him to be around me. He said he needed more, or he needed to set himself free. It was absolutely horrible. I was truly devastated to lose such a good friend, but I let him go because I cared for him. It hurt me to lose him, but it must have hurt him so much more...I felt so bad for him. It was heartbreaking though, and I still miss him very much. I loved him as a friend, but I could never have been in love with him. It's a sad situation for all concerned, but I believe my friend made the correct choice, just as I believe that you are too OP. Just tell the truth, and if she cares for you, she will understand and let you do what you need to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WordvAction Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 You're making the right choice and I've been there before. If you need Advice on what to say, let me know. Otherwise, goodluck and best of luck and know that you will get over her and find someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Scales Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Don't be friends with women you are attracted too. You make a move and if you get rejected then you move on. If the girl makes a sincere effort to be friends after rejection for a stated reason, you can make a choice if it benefits you. That is super rare though. There are plenty of girls you can talk to that won't waste your time and suck all your emotional attention for free. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 It hurt me to lose him, but it must have hurt him so much more...I felt so bad for him.. My point exactly. It wasn't as bad for you as for him. You felt more bad for him. This is because you weren't emotionally invested like he was. You pity him, which is even worse to him. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 Anyways, comments/concerns/advice welcome. She means much more to you than you mean to her. Drop off her radar and if she does initiate further contact (unlikely but possible), just ignore her. I know it won't be easy, but being able to tough it out is what separates the men from the boys Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 My point exactly. It wasn't as bad for you as for him. You felt more bad for him. This is because you weren't emotionally invested like he was. You pity him, which is even worse to him. Um, that was hardly your point, and we both know it. Allow me to refresh your memory... Been there, done that. If she sees you as just a friend, she won't care if you end the friendship. She isn't emotionally invested. In fact, when you tell her, you will be shocked at how quickly and easily she lets you go. It's not even because she cares about you and wants what is best for you. She simply won't care. Not trying to be cruel. Just preparing you since I have gone through this. Let us know how it goes. That was your point, and my post certainly did not prove that in any way, shape or form. In fact, it was the complete opposite...not sure how you missed that? You took one tiny part of my post and quoted it out of context, seemingly pretending that the rest of the post didn't exist. You come across as very bitter -your assertion that a female cannot care for a male friend is ridiculous, and your attempts at proving your point by picking a single line out of a long post and calling it something that it's not is pretty silly. Link to post Share on other sites
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