Question - Involving children in D Day

[WakingUp]

I am just looking for some feedback on this.

 

Another D Day... (I am OW) and once again BS got her young adult children involved in the confrontation with their father. On purpose.

 

They are early 20s. Naturally they were furious, on behalf of their mother. Pretty ugly and traumatic situation for all involved.

 

What are your thoughts on this? Should the marriage situation be kept between the WS and BS to be resolved, or do you think its fair to call the children into battle? Of course I will never comment on this to my MM or his BW (if she decides to phone and attack me again).

 

I divorced (no infidelity) when my children were only little, so I have no experience with this. But now they are grown, I keep the details of my private life to myself. (Well, obviously). I always spoke of my children's father respectfully and encouraged them to form a strong bond with him, despite my own feelings about my exH.

 

But that's me.

 

Just want some opinions on this. Do you think its OK to involve the kids, or not? Input from both sides of the fence are welcome. But no personal attacks please!

[Lady2163]

I got in trouble for this months ago, because I very firmly feel the children have no right to know any details about the "other" and they should never be used to confront the other...no matter what age. At the time I told a sad story of an honor student/athlete/eagle scout who found out dad had an affair with so and so from his mother. He found her address, snuck out that night and did thousands of dollars worth of damage...to the wrong house. He damaged the Chief of Police's house, who had surveillance. He essentially ruined his life.

 

Okay, thats not what you're asking about. My knee jerk reaction says a dday should be between a husband and wife. Not the children, no matter how old they are. Call me old-fashioned, but I still think there are things children shouldn't know about their parents and the initial dday conversation is one of them.

 

But I am speaking as an OW.

 

I never had children, but my 32 year old former foster child still does not know details of my divorce from her former foster father. It didn't involve adultery, but I believed in protecting her image of him and the therapeutic rapport she had with him.

[underwater2010]

Can I ask you what it is that she is supposed to tell them when they see her a broken down wreck? Its not like they are naïve and young. Also, this is not your first Dday, if I understood your previous posts correctly.

 

 

For me, I would not have involved them. But I would not have lied on behalf of the WS. Adult children are more than capable of handling the truth and dealing with it.

[WakingUp]

By involve I mean get them into the forefront of the battle, so to speak.

 

In the immediate drama.

[WakingUp]

I suspect that my thinking is slightly skewed as I am the OW.

 

Personally, I wouldn't involve my children in the front line at any age.

 

But I also don't believe in hiding the truth... I suppose that I believe there is a time and way to do it.

 

FYI she wasn't a broken down wreck, she was ANGRY. And I don't blame her for that.

 

OK, I suppose she acted out of anger. Fair enough.

 

See, just putting it out there helps me think more clearly.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You are talking about 20 year olds?? Do you have any adult children if your own? It is not the BS's responsibility to protect the children from someone who lies to them and misrepresents themselves to them. We aren't talking elementary children here. When the heck did the BS become responsible for the actions of another adult?

[WakingUp]

You are talking about 20 year olds?? Do you have any adult children if your own? It is not the BS's responsibility to protect the children from someone who lies to them and misrepresents themselves to them. We aren't talking elementary children here. When the heck did the BS become responsible for the actions of another adult?

 

Ok fair enough. I do have young adult children of my own, yes, and I am perfectly aware of what they can handle.

 

I do believe that as a co-parent there is an certain responsibility not to tear the other parent to shreds, though.

 

But that's how I see it.

[whichwayisup]

I got in trouble for this months ago, because I very firmly feel the children have no right to know any details about the "other" and they should never be used to confront the other...no matter what age. At the time I told a sad story of an honor student/athlete/eagle scout who found out dad had an affair with so and so from his mother. He found her address, snuck out that night and did thousands of dollars worth of damage...to the wrong house. He damaged the Chief of Police's house, who had surveillance. He essentially ruined his life.

 

Okay, thats not what you're asking about. My knee jerk reaction says a dday should be between a husband and wife. Not the children, no matter how old they are. Call me old-fashioned, but I still think there are things children shouldn't know about their parents and the initial dday conversation is one of them.

 

But I am speaking as an OW.

 

I never had children, but my 32 year old former foster child still does not know details of my divorce from her former foster father. It didn't involve adultery, but I believed in protecting her image of him and the therapeutic rapport she had with him.

 

Yes a D-day is between a husband and wife BUT, the D-day affects the whole family unit, especially if the WS leaves or is kicked out of the house. So if the kids are near or over hear conversation and ask, then they should be told the truth. It's unfair to lie to them if they already know something is 'up'.

 

Late teens and in early 20's, they aren't stupid, they are 'aware' of a family dynamic and if mom/dad are not getting along, or if there's weird funky energy in the air. Especially girls notice..

 

You don't have children so it's easy to say what you would or wouldn't do. Nobody really knows until they're faced with it.

[whichwayisup]

By involve I mean get them into the forefront of the battle, so to speak.

 

In the immediate drama.

 

Sometimes in the heat of the moment a bad decision is made, on pure emotion and even if a BS or WS involves their kids in a D-Day, it isn't planned out. It's immediate and something done without thinking. Not that it's a justification at all, it's wrong to do to a kid of any age, but with that said, each parent also knows their own child, what they can or can't handle. Age of course is a factor too.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Ok fair enough. I do have young adult children of my own, yes, and I am perfectly aware of what they can handle.

 

I do believe that as a co-parent there is an certain responsibility not to tear the other parent to shreds, though.

 

But that's how I see it.

 

Then don't engage or at the very least, don't get caught. I can't imagine expecting the betrayed to hedge your bet.

[Popsicle]

No.

 

Have you ever seen what some people are like whose father had cheated on their mother and they knew about it?

 

They are a mess. Ruined for life.

 

Some are bitter. Some hate men or women. Some think ALL men or women cheat. Some see no point in marriage or having kids. Some become cheaters themselves.

 

This doesn't happen to all people who've witness cheating from a parent, but it happens to some. How can we know which ones will be affected like this?

 

Do not subject the kids to that if you can help it. If it were me, I'd keep this away from them to protect them.

[Lady2163]

No, I don't have children that are biologically mine. However, I sincerely would appreciate it if you wouldn't discount my foster child. We WANTED to adopt her and crack ho mother wouldn't sign away her parental rights.

 

My foster child had been through hell with men in her life. She finally had a positive, adult male role model. My ex husband may have been a total jerk to me, BUT he was not a bad foster father to her.

 

There are worse things than adultery that can happen in a marriage. Assuming the OPs MM has been a better father than husband, would you want a lot of details in their head? Tell the teens and older the truth if you must, but don't involve them in dday and I this instance tell them less rather than more.

 

Like I said, my child is 32 and I still tell her "none of your business" even though she is married and made me a grandma.

[WakingUp]

Just to straighten some facts... he has been a very good father, but a pretty lousy husband, by virtue of the fact he has cheated.

 

And the children were purposefully brought into the confrontation by BS. They weren't there, she went and got them.

 

And no we weren't caught, he confessed.

 

I am appreciating all the viewpoints, by the way. I don't need to be told that affairs are wrong. We are subsequently NC, and that's fine. I am more concerned for his kids, and his relationship with them.

 

Whatever will be, will be. And that's OK.

 

I don't know what I would have done if I were her. I am now understanding that it probably was a knee jerk reaction, and fair enough.

[underwater2010]

Ok fair enough. I do have young adult children of my own, yes, and I am perfectly aware of what they can handle.

 

I do believe that as a co-parent there is an certain responsibility not to tear the other parent to shreds, though.

 

But that's how I see it.

But here is the thing.....she didn't have to tear him to shreads.....you to already did that by having an affair and getting caught....TWICE!!!

[underwater2010]

But here is the thing.....she didn't have to tear him to shreads.....you to already did that by having an affair and getting caught....TWICE!!!

I stand corrected...by confessing...twice.

[WakingUp]

Actually its three times.

[underwater2010]

All the much better. I am sorry, but he deserves exactly what he is getting.

 

 

Would I have actually made sure they were there when he was confronted....no.

 

 

However, if you are NC with him for now....then it is none of your business. If I was in your shoes....I would feel guilty as heck for the part I played in all of this.

[almond]

I feel that she caused her children unnecessary pain by bringing them to confront their father and his mistress. It is likely she did this to hurt him.

 

In my opinion, it's wrong and incredibly selfish, and her anger clouded her thoughts to the point that she lost sight of what is best for her children.

 

People do irrational things when they are in extreme pain. This definitely seems as though it was due to an angry reaction to the affair, but, I feel that she failed her children in her quest to hurt her husband as much as humanly possible. Anger makes even the best of us into fools at times.

 

Playing with fire and such. People often get burnt, but sometimes, the whole house burns down.

 

Destructive stuff.

[WakingUp]

Do the crime, do the time.

 

I am not some witch who cast a spell over him, he is an adult and made his own decisions.

 

Yes of course I feel guilty. There are innocent victims in all of this.

 

I admit to being human, and making mistakes.

[Popsicle]

He needs to communicate his feelings honestly with his kids. It's important for him to communicate with them and not shy away from them, even if/when they are angry. The kids are adults and will make their own decisions and come to their own conclusions.

[WakingUp]

He needs to communicate his feelings honestly with his kids. It's important for him to communicate with them and not shy away from them, even if/when they are angry. The kids are adults and will make their own decisions and come to their own conclusions.

 

I believe he will do this.

 

Thank you for having a positive comment. I mean that, truly.

[whichwayisup]

I feel that she caused her children unnecessary pain by bringing them to confront their father and his mistress. It is likely she did this to hurt him.

 

In my opinion, it's wrong and incredibly selfish, and her anger clouded her thoughts to the point that she lost sight of what is best for her children.

 

People do irrational things when they are in extreme pain. This definitely seems as though it was due to an angry reaction to the affair, but, I feel that she failed her children in her quest to hurt her husband as much as humanly possible. Anger makes even the best of us into fools at times.

 

Playing with fire and such. People often get burnt, but sometimes, the whole house burns down.

 

Destructive stuff.

 

Affairs hurt everybody, and many of times they don't end well especially when caught.

 

Bolded part, yet he is just as selfish by cheating and having an affair. He let his kids down, the family unit as one. He let down his family by his selfishness and not putting his wife and kids first. He created this mess by having the A.

 

When people are extremely emotional and pushed past their emotional limit, they do and say things they normally wouldn't do. I think finding out the truth about your (general you) spouse cheating and having an affair can bring out obviously a painful reaction. I don't like that you're implying all this is the BS's fault and she's to blame.

[whichwayisup]

No, I don't have children that are biologically mine. However, I sincerely would appreciate it if you wouldn't discount my foster child. We WANTED to adopt her and crack ho mother wouldn't sign away her parental rights.

 

My foster child had been through hell with men in her life. She finally had a positive, adult male role model. My ex husband may have been a total jerk to me, BUT he was not a bad foster father to her.

 

There are worse things than adultery that can happen in a marriage. Assuming the OPs MM has been a better father than husband, would you want a lot of details in their head? Tell the teens and older the truth if you must, but don't involve them in dday and I this instance tell them less rather than more.

 

Like I said, my child is 32 and I still tell her "none of your business" even though she is married and made me a grandma.

 

I'm sorry, didn't see that part of your post, I skimmed and missed it, so I really didn't mean to discount your foster daughter.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Actually its three times.

 

Definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

 

You and he have betrayed the family unit. They are adults and are old enough to know the true character of their parents. I am a child of cheating parents, I've posted a few times about it. It took 35 years to even get something close to the truth, and lots of bad decisions have been made along the way because I have one parents with values and one who has NPD and warped my reality for over 25 years.

 

They are adults. and quite frankly, it's none of YOUR business. You are the interloper in their family.

[WakingUp]

Affairs hurt everybody, and many of times they don't end well especially when caught.

 

Bolded part, yet he is just as selfish by cheating and having an affair. He let his kids down, the family unit as one. He let down his family by his selfishness and not putting his wife and kids first. He created this mess by having the A.

 

When people are extremely emotional and pushed past their emotional limit, they do and say things they normally wouldn't do. I think finding out the truth about your (general you) spouse cheating and having an affair can bring out obviously a painful reaction. I don't like that you're implying all this is the BS's fault and she's to blame.

 

I don't think almond is implying that at all. I think almond is saying that the BW is human and reacted without thinking it through. And that is what I am now thinking too.

 

So in essence, we agree.