Question - Involving children in D Day

[Journee]

Uh huh, right, I didn't blame the BS for anything. I take responsibility for my part in my guy having been involved in an affair.

 

I'm simply saying that some things should be kept within the marriage. It is clear that the BS, who is hurting, wants to make everyone else know why. Fine. Then the WS should say why HE FEELS he felt the need to step outside the marriage.

 

And yes, it is like throwing a bomb into a room full of people... except that instead of them being touched by the fallout, the BS is going over to each child and handing them the full bomb.

 

And the kids weren't there, as you state. OP said that the BS pulled the children into the fray, which is abusive.

 

 

 

I have learned a lot about marriage and the things that can touch any relationship through watching my parent's maintain an almost three decades long marriage. It isn't always easy and bad things happen. Heart's can be broken. Ebbs and flows. It's actually been beneficial in my own situations and my own healing from certain things.

 

I most certainly do not feel abused by either of them. If my mother abused me by bringing me into the crud then my father also abused me through false security. The OW definitely abused my trust because I personally knew two of them and really believed they loved me.

 

This is real life and crap happens. Marriages aren't perfect because their participants likely are not either.

 

I guess it depends on the individual but I have always appreciated how open my parent's have been. We are family. Not just in circumstance but by choice and through lots of hard work and understanding.

 

We all make mistakes in our parenting. It all can become muddled through such a desperate and scary time. What does one do when they feel so out of control? They react and think later many times.

[eleanorrigby]

That's good. I'll tell my guy to let his kids know that is why he left.

 

Go for it.

[goodyblue]

Lol! He wouldn't do it. In fact he's never said a bad word about their mother. Ever. As far as I'm concerned, this makes him a better person than she is. Was it selfish of him to have an affair? Yes. Was it selfish of her to try to turn his children against him, hurting them even more than they were? Absolutely.

 

Thing is, in my situation, they already knew, so it backfired on her. My guy is fine with his kids. They know their mother is a nutbag.

[Quiet Storm]

Well, if this is the case, perhaps instead of having an affair, the WS should have gathered the children in a room and said "I"m unhappy because your mom won't have sex with me. We need to address this as a family. Suggestions anyone?"

 

I thought affairs weren't about sex- why bring up sex?

 

That would never happen, though. WS are sneaky and ashamed. It's too hard for them to be real with their families. They'd rather hide and keep doing their thing. Just like addicts.

[experiencethedevine]

No, it isn't ok. I was desperate for our children not to know. It was all so distressing and sordid, why would I want my beautiful kids to be involved.

 

Thing is though that as the time went on and I came out of my state of emotional freeze I began to get angry and to sob and to yell at my h. They must have known something was up but to this day I don't know what they know or have guessed. I am not sure we handled it the right way but there is no manual.....

 

Three times though? Wow! I guess I might have been crazy and desperate too...

 

Friends of ours had a d-day recently. Their boys were there. No-one brought them in but they heard their mum yelling and sobbing (not normal fir here at all) and they came rushing into the room. Both were horrified to see their mother in that state. They clearly heard what she was saying and the youngest confronted his dad, there was an argument and he hit his dad. Not deliberately engineered but a mess none the less.

 

 

 

 

I think this is probably the crux of the matter.

 

 

In essence nobody wants their children to be involved directly in dday eruptions, but there are circumstances where it is unavoidable purely by virtue of the fact that emotions are running incredibly high, and wits are often absent.

 

 

This would probably go some way to perhaps explaining why in your case the betrayed wife might have lost her senses temporarily and made a choice that she will no doubt later regret. Or not, as the case may also be.

 

 

I believe that nobody in their 'right' mind would purposefully subject their children to dday but often sanity is temporarily lost and those children are present when the proverbial hits the fan.

[experiencethedevine]

Well, if this is the case, perhaps instead of having an affair, the WS should have gathered the children in a room and said "I"m unhappy because your mom won't have sex with me. We need to address this as a family. Suggestions anyone?"

 

 

 

 

 

I suggest that a statement like this is deflecting and total hogwash.....

[awkward]

I am confused on the BS role in this on D-day. OP did you speak to the MM after he confessed? I think you implied that the adult children called you during Dday. Do you know for a fact that the BS called the adult children and asked them to come over and participate in Dday?

[experiencethedevine]

Lol! He wouldn't do it. In fact he's never said a bad word about their mother. Ever. As far as I'm concerned, this makes him a better person than she is. Was it selfish of him to have an affair? Yes. Was it selfish of her to try to turn his children against him, hurting them even more than they were? Absolutely.

 

Thing is, in my situation, they already knew, so it backfired on her. My guy is fine with his kids. They know their mother is a nutbag.

 

 

 

It is such a pity when things resort to statements without evidence regarding someone elses sanity.

[TwoTowns]

What do you mean by "involve" the kids? I believe children should be told the truth in an age-appropriate manner. Kids aren't stupid, and they know when something is wrong. It's better to have them know the truth than have them develop mistaken ideas and/or later resent their parents when they do find out. Children and adults alike don't like being lied to, and it is a lie to pretend everything's fine when it's not.

 

I agree, but I don't think our children should be put in the middle of marital crises. When my BS cheated on me, our daughter was two years old. She was 19 when she discovered me communicating with my AP. Once confronted by her, it never occurred to me to bring up his past infidelity as a way to minimize mine. It never occurred to me to share with her the laundry list of marital issues that precipitated (but did not justify) my affair. Too many times, BS and WS put their kids in the middle, force them to 'take sides,' and this to me causes lifelong trauma.

 

We should never lie to our kids, but I don't think we need to subject them to sordid details either. I'm on the fence about whether parents should tell children that an infidelity occurred, but if they DO it should (in my view) be done in as straightforward a manner as possible, with BOTH parents present when it happens. Unfortunately everyone's worst side often comes out on a DDay, and the kids too often get caught up in that whirlwind.

[Speakingofwhich]

I had my own D day with my mom when I walked in on her and MOM sitting on the living room sofa with MOM's arm around her one night when dad was out of town with his work.

 

My parents stayed together until my dad died of old age.

 

I don't think my parents meant to be open about my mom's infidelity problems but my dad's pain about it all exploded from time to time so we got a lot of information about it as we heard him express his agony while grieving.

 

It was kind of like D day after D day for all of us as dad processed and reprocessed it for years, it seemed.

 

This was excruciating for all of us kids and caused anxiety issues for some of us.

 

In some odd way it also established cheating as a normal part of a marriage in my mind.

 

I wish I hadn't known about it. But, if they would have included me in the healing I may feel differently about knowing about it, idk. I guess they healed about it. I don't really know though eventually we didn't hear dad bring it up anymore.

[Lady2163]

I think there have been some interesting point made, but I suck at using the quote function.

 

I keep saying there are worse things than an affair and there are. As I said, regarding my foster child, I didn't tell her of the neglect I suffered at the hands of the man she considered like a father. However, there was one time my ex-husband started to vent to her. I told him at the time, if he couldn't remember to treat her like a child, he didn't need to see her. He emotional maturity has always been at least 10 years delayed.

 

There are things that are private in a marriage. It is ludicrous to think of a spouse, whether make or female gathering the children together and saying something to young children like, "your dad won't have sex with me, so I'm divorcing him". Particularly if they have been sheltered. I'm the youngest child in my family, so I never saw my mother pregnant. I never had a sexual thought in my head until 5th grade. So I was 10 or 11. It was probably not until 7th grade when a teacher was pregnant and we (the students) were in shock that she actually had sex. I mean it, it was whispered throughout the halls, "she actually did it? Eww." Yes, she was married.

 

It was a small, super religious town...but adults kept kids in the dark back then. Yet, we had very few pregnancies...of my class of 99, only two girls very quietly graduated early, got married and had a child.

 

I really do believe in not involving the younger children. As the betrayed spouse, you (general) will divorce the wandering spouse and be done. Your underage children will possibly have to be with the WS for visitation/custody.

 

If this is handled improperly, (and I've seen in in two instances), these kids alienate the WS parent. Recently, a friend was pleased as punch because 12 year old daughter had just ripped into WS during a weekend visitation. She was beyond rude and profane. After my friend finished gloating, I said, "it's a good thing I wasn't there. Kids don't talk to adults like that." I also mentioned therapy would be good for daughter and WS, so there could be a professional moderator to help the child express emotions better.

 

I've rambled off-topic...AGAIN, my apologies.

 

One other thought popped into my head...OP, do you know for an absolute FACT the adult children were there. I know MM *said* they were, but uh, you know sometimes they lie just to cover their own butts and to create a supposedly valid reason. Sometimes they are cowards.

I don't have a lot of drama in my situation. I've known other that do...and I've also known when it is a soap opera (and lies) created by MM. There's a scenario in the bdsm community that I attend irregularly that has been going on for 18 months. I want to bring popcorn each time I do go.

[goodyblue]

I thought affairs weren't about sex- why bring up sex?

 

That would never happen, though. WS are sneaky and ashamed. It's too hard for them to be real with their families. They'd rather hide and keep doing their thing. Just like addicts.

 

Huh. My guy was honest with his children. Thing is, he was clear about his unhappiness when they asked him about things, without making it the fault of their mother. He took responsibility, but they also understand how their mother is, so really he didn't have to say anything. They are fine with one another.

 

I just used sex as an example because, frankly, for us, sex was a component, but not the crux of the affair. It certainly wouldn't have held our relationship together after if it had been. I was using something personal and private, that is the only reason.

Edited January 4, 2014 by goodyblue

[MissBee]

A marriage is a relationship that is part of the family unit, but is also a relationship in itself. Would you pull your adult children aside and explain to them that mommy won't have sex with daddy and that makes daddy incredibly unhappy so they are leaving the marriage? I mean, if we are going to share every little detail of our intimate marriage, let's do it up right.

 

Most likely, if there wasn't infidelity, it would simply be "mommy and daddy are unhappy and are separating".

 

My point is, the marriage has facets that are private, and should stay that way. If you tell your children about their father having an affair, fine. He had the affair, but YOU caused the hurt to your children that could have been avoided.

 

This is ridiculous.

 

I don't think anyone is saying people should share every intimate detail. I mean really...

 

But a dday is often chaotic and obvious and there is often no hiding one's emotions. In my own family's case for example, an OW is calling the house and leaving voicemails, and my sister and I came home, turned on the voicemail and it's blasting out into the house. Unwittingly we're now subject to knowing about this. Even when we were kids we felt when things were off, we heard arguing, we saw odd behavior, we saw my dad whispering on the phone when my mom wasn't around, we could hear a woman's voice on the other end, I mean...we KNEW something was awry. And that has been one of the points people are making, that sometimes it is discussed as though dday, the A, the drama it causes the marriage is some top secret thing happening in a vacuum and children would have NEVER known a thing unless told when that is utter bull. When we became adults it's not like we could unknow and unfeel the obvious, so when things escalate, as an adult with some sense in your head and being concerned for your family, you react or even if you choose not to react, you're not always protected and unaware.

 

A BS telling their child that their parent had an affair isn't the one hurting the child...I mean sorry I refuse to believe this is any actual logical conclusion. The person having the affair is the one who is hurting their children. I mean which child, and I am speaking from my own experience with a serial cheater for a dad, gets upset with the one reporting the news over the one who did the deed??

 

Plus we're talking about grown people here, not 5 year olds. Grown people who know about relationships, understand relationships and know right from wrong.

 

The problem with affairs is: you can't have it how you want it and you cannot control the repercussions and you better not try to blame other people for the consequences, whatever they may be. You may try to be careful and so on and so forth, but the reality is, if you are a married person with a family and you're cheating YOU are the one who set the dominos in motion for all other fall out. It all points back to you. No matter how you dice it, whether BS tells, kids pick up on it, crazed OW calls the house, other people are gossiping, trying to blame everyone else for "outing" you and hurting your children is incredibly insane as it all comes back to, had you not been doing that, there would be nothing for anyone to tell. If you're so concerned about that, as my grandmother would say, people will always talk but live your life in an honorable way so that what they're saying brings you no shame.

Edited January 4, 2014 by MissBee

[MissBee]

My (then) 19-year-old daughter discovered my affair when she found the phone I used for communicating with my AP. My relationship with her has become irreparably harmed. [/b]My personal belief is that our children - no matter what their ages - should be insulated from marital difficulties as much as possible. While battling parents can find temporary relief from venting about their spouses' misdeeds and shortcomings to their kids - in my view all that does is hurt the kids. There are so many things I could have told my daughter about my troubled past with her dad in an attempt to defend myself for a choice that I am solely to blame for. All that would accomplish would be to further harm her and alienate her from BOTH parents.

 

Her knowledge of my affair has changed my daughter forever, and it's nothing I can ever fix. Furthermore, she bases my worth as a parent/wife/human being on the one facet of my 21-year marriage that she has knowledge of. To my child I am absolutely worthless - despite her knowledge of my prior two decades of steadfast loyalty to my husband and kids.

 

And this is the case in point I'm speaking of....the cheating person can naively believe what they're doing, even if found out is in some private married vacuum, but it clearly isn't. In your case, you had no control or forethought about if your child would be the one to find your affair phone. Which is the point. Attempting to separate the affair and the drama it causes within the marriage from the family unit cannot happen.

 

The marriage and relationship is between the parents but it has ripple effects. The children shouldn't be marriage consultants, as in the ridiculous examples being used as counterpoints, but most things which happen, esp traumatic things or chaotic things will trickle down and as sentient beings adult children need not be sat down and told anything when they have eyes, ears and brain cells.

 

In your case, in my own family's case, in lots of other people's cases, it wasn't at all a case of warring parents siccing the children on the other or inappropriately putting them in the line of fire. In your case it was an outcome and consequence of your actions that you couldn't prevent or predict. Likewise in many other dday scenarios, it isn't only the BS around or only the BS who finds evidence...it can be children, family members or even friends, all of whom now are in an awkward position they didn't ask to be in. Hence the protecting the children spiel is shortsighted when it only focuses on how a BS responds on dday, as it totally ignores the fact that sometimes children are the harbingers of dday who unwittingly come across stuff they weren't looking for or all a long while you thought you only had to hide from your spouse and it will be a private matter, you didn't notice your grown child saw your suspicious behavior or picked up on stuff of their own accord without the other parent whispering in their ear.

Edited January 4, 2014 by MissBee

[Got it]

I think it is a fine line and there a lot of factors that come into play. Unfortunately my family dynamic was heavily involving the kids in ALL areas so we knew about many of the conflicts, the complaints, the grudges, etc. far more than I ever wanted to know. I wish my parents had some discretion in what they pulled us into because it caused us a great deal of anxiety. When my parents finally divorced I found out about an affair my mom had had when I was young and, to be honest, my response was sadness and frustration because if that wasn't a huge sign that their marriage had always been a disaster I didn't know any bigger. So my experience and reaction, and that of my siblings, is not what is recounted on here. We really didn't care but maybe because it was just a drop in the bucket of the issues that had directly impacted us.

 

We also experienced some parental alienation with my husband and his ex wife. She heavily involved their eldest and used her as a soundingboard. Not that she should have kept my husband's confidence but what was negated was his ex wife's affair which the kids know nothing about. My husband has continued to feel it is best that the kids don't know as he doesn't want their image of their mom impacted. He has felt, from his dday through today that it isn't something that needs to involve the kids.

[ComingInHot]

Goodyblu wrote, "...and that makes him a better person than she is. "

 

And therein squats the toad...

[MissBee]

I'm not sure how telling the kids about the A somehow became "your mom won't have sex with me, how should we fix this?" Why not just sit the kids down and say, "Your mother and I have been having problems, and I made the decision to have an affair. My actions were wrong, and I'm sorry I hurt you and your mother both. We all make bad decisions from time to time, and we must own up to our mistakes. I will be [divorcing/reconciling with] your mother. I know it will take a long time for me to earn your trust and respect back, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes because I love you and I want to give you the foundation you need in life to learn how to take responsibility for your actions and handle the bad decisions you may one day make yourselves."

Yup, there it is--a parent doing some actual parenting! Your job as a parent isn't to shelter your kids from the harshness of life; it's to teach your kids how to cope with that harshness when they enter the world themselves. Of course, everything taught to them must be age appropriate. As a parent, you are a role model to your children, and your actions teach them how they themselves should behave.

 

Also, I don't understand why people think telling the kids is forcing them to take sides. No one would have to force me one way or the other; I know exactly where I'd stand. If your kids think you're the scum of the earth after they find out (and they probably will, one way or another), congratulations! You have somehow managed to instill in them a sense of right and wrong despite your own moral failures.

 

Great post!!!!!

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

Also my own stance as a BS would be that if we decide to divorce or our kids see the big drama between us, my WS would be the one who needs to man up and sit the kids down and lead off the discussion. I would defer to them foremost to be the one to address the chaos they set in motion. That way it is not "me" who is doing anything to "them" but they're directly owning up to their mistake and behavior.

 

If my dad had ever done that (which he wouldn't as a serial cheater who is not self aware and most cheaters who are conflict avoidant would never do) I would have respected him and would have learned a valuable lesson about marriage and parenting as well as being a decent person who makes mistakes but owns up to it instead of after you make a bad choice and it starts having negative effects you blame everyone else for it because they didn't keep it a secret.... smh. That's also a good PR tool a friend of mine who is in PR says she does with her clients. When the shyt hits the fan in the gossip mills, she has them address it head on and own up to it tactfully as that quells the fire more so than ignoring it, hiding it etc when people are already talking about it and aren't dumb.

Edited January 5, 2014 by MissBee

[krazikat]

I haven't read all of the responses but I am an adult child that was called into the battle at one point.

 

A little background.

 

My mother was my father's OW for a short time. He had been married three times before my mother and has never been faithful to anyone. He is an alcoholic (now going on seven years sober) and was patching himself up with affairs and staying constantly wasted. He still went to work a good job everyday. He attended every function I have ever had. Chaperoned every school trip he even began coaching the athletic team I was on. He still coaches that team to this day. My father was fun and loving to me. He was supportive and was ALWAYS there for me. I was adopted by them and am my father's only child.

 

I wasn't aware of my father's serial cheating and all the years my mother had to put up with this deceit. Looking back and now knowing the truth I can see the times when things were actually strained between my mother and myself. One of my father's affairs was with my best friend's mother. I didn't know. My mother had suspicions but she was gaslighted to death. Deep down she felt so alone. Here I was going to my girlfriend's house to stay with a woman she didn't trust and she every right not to. What was she going to do though? Tell me I can't see my friend because of something they were dealing with? No she sucked it up even after DDay after DDay with woman after woman. I don't know how she did it all alone.

 

Anyway, when I was 21 (I am 28 now) she called me in the middle of the night crying. My mother never cries. The last time I heard/saw her cry was at my oldest sister's funeral. I imagine she did a lot of crying by herself throughout the years. She told me she woke up and my father was gone and she knew where he likely was. With a female family friend. My mind was blown. I called her immediately and asked for my father (my dad wasn't answering my calls that night, he never ignored my calls) she appologized to me immediately. I threatened her. I am not proud of this. I was young and terrified that my family was falling apart. I didn't know what to do because I loved my father so much and my mother too. I felt an animal like urge to protect my mommy. The only woman to ever love me like a mother. I was abandoned by my biological mother and my adoptive mother was all I had. She still is.

 

I finally got a hold of my father and he did not like that I knew. He was embarrassed and he was several shades of ashamed. Longest story ever short.... he checked into rehab, went back to church. Gave himself over to GOD and back to his family and has not looked back since. He is now preaching and never shy's away from his past. From the things he has done. He reminds people that he is a man that could have been cast away for so many reasons but was not.

 

I have never seen my parent's more happy. My father and I made up very soon after that initial phone call. The three of us are closer than ever. We were all the other had for a long time. I don't know if my very difficult and long adoption has anything to do with the fever in which they love me but I know that we are all very close.

 

My mother was very lonely and isolated at the time she called me. She was afraid and alone. After years of the bull my father's cheating piled on her she didn't feel she had anywhere to turn. I am her family. I am her friend. She needed me and the absolute least I could do at that time was listen. After all the love and care they have given this little mixed race black girl that no one wanted all those years ago...my family needed me more than I had needed them as a young child. I was there for my father every step of the way through his detox and recovery. I attended open AA meetings with him and Alanon on my own. My mother still bakes cookies for every meeting my father attends.

 

They will celebrate 29 years of marriage in just two weeks.

 

My knowing of my father's cheating didn't ruin my image of him. I was able to see him as a human, a man. I man that overcame a lot of pain from his childhood, when he could had continued to drink it away. He is Superman to me. Always will be. I am very proud of him and the life he has chosen and worked hard for himself and my mother.

 

In my case it only made us all stronger and closer. We circled the wagons and were there for one another.

 

Journee,

 

Wow. What a story. This hits so close to home, as my h is an alcoholic, sober since dday. My 18 year old over heard and learned of his cheating. It was an ugly mess. He has also given himself back to God and is doing so well. It is true that a man can change. Your mother is blessed to have such a wonderful daughter. My daughter was also very protective of me. I had a long talk with her about life and choices and that he is still her father and loves her etc. etc. and they are all good now. :-)

[rumbleseat]

I'm not sure how telling the kids about the A somehow became "your mom won't have sex with me, how should we fix this?" Why not just sit the kids down and say, "Your mother and I have been having problems, and I made the decision to have an affair. My actions were wrong, and I'm sorry I hurt you and your mother both. We all make bad decisions from time to time, and we must own up to our mistakes. I will be [divorcing/reconciling with] your mother. I know it will take a long time for me to earn your trust and respect back, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes because I love you and I want to give you the foundation you need in life to learn how to take responsibility for your actions and handle the bad decisions you may one day make yourselves."

 

Yup, there it is--a parent doing some actual parenting! Your job as a parent isn't to shelter your kids from the harshness of life; it's to teach your kids how to cope with that harshness when they enter the world themselves. Of course, everything taught to them must be age appropriate. As a parent, you are a role model to your children, and your actions teach them how they themselves should behave.

 

Also, I don't understand why people think telling the kids is forcing them to take sides. No one would have to force me one way or the other; I know exactly where I'd stand. If your kids think you're the scum of the earth after they find out (and they probably will, one way or another), congratulations! You have somehow managed to instill in them a sense of right and wrong despite your own moral failures.

 

This is an excellent post.

 

Most kids are more perceptive than many give them credit for, especially if they are older. They may already suspect an affair, and lying to them about it simply gaslights them as well. It's far better to be frank, discuss the fact that there was an affair in a calm fashion, and allow the ws to take responsibility for his or her choices.

 

My husband had a brief affair a long time again. Our kids found out about it on their own, and when the asked about it, we sat down as a family and told them the truth. He admitted to making some very poor choices and told them that he was working hard to learn better ways to handle his emotions so it wouldn't happen again. I told them that while he had made many poor choices, he was still a good man, still loved them all very much and that he was acting like a true adult by taking responsibility.

Yes, they were still wounded by the knowledge, but we were able to turn it into a teaching point about decision making and person responsibility. Had we lied to them, they would likely have been scarred for a long time and the only thing they would have learned is to not trust and place very little value on honesty in a relationship.

We also got them some counselling, and our therapist told us we handled the situation as well as could be expected.

 

Fast forward to now, and things are much better.

[goodyblue]

I never said to 'gaslight' your children. You tell the children, if they ask, that there are some things that are for the adults to handle in a family, they will be handled by the adults and it is none of the children's business. Which it isn't.

This is an excellent post.

 

Most kids are more perceptive than many give them credit for, especially if they are older. They may already suspect an affair, and lying to them about it simply gaslights them as well. It's far better to be frank, discuss the fact that there was an affair in a calm fashion, and allow the ws to take responsibility for his or her choices.

 

My husband had a brief affair a long time again. Our kids found out about it on their own, and when the asked about it, we sat down as a family and told them the truth. He admitted to making some very poor choices and told them that he was working hard to learn better ways to handle his emotions so it wouldn't happen again. I told them that while he had made many poor choices, he was still a good man, still loved them all very much and that he was acting like a true adult by taking responsibility.

Yes, they were still wounded by the knowledge, but we were able to turn it into a teaching point about decision making and person responsibility. Had we lied to them, they would likely have been scarred for a long time and the only thing they would have learned is to not trust and place very little value on honesty in a relationship.

We also got them some counselling, and our therapist told us we handled the situation as well as could be expected.

 

Fast forward to now, and things are much better.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think three laurels and rumble seat have it right. But these are mature discussions in which the parties both sit down and disclose the information assuring the children they are still loved by their parents.

 

This is not dragging kids out of bed, announcing the news and pitting a child against one parent or the other.

 

Children should never be used that way.

[rumbleseat]

I never said to 'gaslight' your children. You tell the children, if they ask, that there are some things that are for the adults to handle in a family, they will be handled by the adults and it is none of the children's business. Which it isn't.

 

In the op's question, the children ARE some of the adults in the family. The affair affects them, and they have ever right to know what is going on in their lives and why.

 

All lying to your children will teach them, whatever age they may be, is that it's okay to be dishonest , especially when it comes to something major. This is especially true if they suspect (or already know) that mom or dad has been seeing someone else.

 

As I said, kids are a lot smarter and perceptive than people give them credit for. Especially this day and age childhood isn't the time of innocence that it once was. Due to the influence and information through mass media, they are exposed to a lot more information about sex and relationships ,including cheating and affairs) than ever before. They might see dad constantly texting on his phone, hiding the texts, spending huge amounts of time chatting online

, being secretive about their phone, etc. . They may overhear things,and if anything is sent via a shared family computer or phone, there is a good chance they may hack around a bit, especially of they are already a bit suspicious, and find some pretty incriminating evidence.

 

Let's say they somehow find out about the affair and outright ask about it. Your solution is to put them off and lie about it? It may be a lie by omission but it's a lie none the less. What do you think this teaches them? How do you think this will affect them?

 

My guess is that they might well ever trust you or believe you ever again.

[goodyblue]

In the op's question, the children ARE some of the adults in the family. The affair affects them, and they have ever right to know what is going on in their lives and why.

 

All lying to your children will teach them, whatever age they may be, is that it's okay to be dishonest , especially when it comes to something major. This is especially true if they suspect (or already know) that mom or dad has been seeing someone else.

 

As I said, kids are a lot smarter and perceptive than people give them credit for. Especially this day and age childhood isn't the time of innocence that it once was. Due to the influence and information through mass media, they are exposed to a lot more information about sex and relationships ,including cheating and affairs) than ever before. They might see dad constantly texting on his phone, hiding the texts, spending huge amounts of time chatting online

, being secretive about their phone, etc. . They may overhear things,and if anything is sent via a shared family computer or phone, there is a good chance they may hack around a bit, especially of they are already a bit suspicious, and find some pretty incriminating evidence.

 

Let's say they somehow find out about the affair and outright ask about it. Your solution is to put them off and lie about it? It may be a lie by omission but it's a lie none the less. What do you think this teaches them? How do you think this will affect them?

 

My guess is that they might well ever trust you or believe you ever again.

 

Sorry, I'm never going to agree to pulling the children into your marriage, whether they are four or forty. If they are adults, then you especially have the right to tell them to butt out of your personal affairs.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Both of our daughters did know something was wrong after my husband had his affair and they are very perceptive. When my youngest asked me if her dad had an affair I told her that she needed to ask him. She knew at that point that it was true because if it had not been I would have answered no. But it put the ball in his court because she then asked him and he confessed to her. Same thing happened with our middle daughter.

 

So at that point the question came from them and he had to choose to answer them - and he answered them honestly. In this way, they saw their father as human and even though I know they were disappointed they still love him very much.

 

On the other hand, because my husband chose to drag our daughters into it in my dday - they both treated me horribly for a very long time. It took awhile for them to realize I wasn't some monster.

 

It is really all in how you handle it. Children can deal with it if it is handled in love - but when parents start infusing their own anger into the situation, this is when kids start being conflicted. They want to love their parents and waging war is not helpful.

[rumbleseat]

Both of our daughters did know something was wrong after my husband had his affair and they are very perceptive. When my youngest asked me if her dad had an affair I told her that she needed to ask him. She knew at that point that it was true because if it had not been I would have answered no. But it put the ball in his court because she then asked him and he confessed to her. Same thing happened with our middle daughter.

 

So at that point the question came from them and he had to choose to answer them - and he answered them honestly. In this way, they saw their father as human and even though I know they were disappointed they still love him very much.

 

On the other hand, because my husband chose to drag our daughters into it in my dday - they both treated me horribly for a very long time. It took awhile for them to realize I wasn't some monster.

 

It is really all in how you handle it. Children can deal with it if it is handled in love - but when parents start infusing their own anger into the situation, this is when kids start being conflicted. They want to love their parents and waging war is not helpful.

 

Makes sense.

 

What do you think would have happened if they had been told ( kindly) to " butt out of mom and dad's relationship" ? Who do you think they would have handled that, and what long term consequences do you think this would have had for them, if any?