Question - Involving children in D Day

[ComingInHot]

Then don't have personal Affairs**

[goodyblue]

Then don't have personal Affairs**

 

Um. I didn't. But thanks for the heads up. So helpful. Gosh, I don't even know what to say, I think you just solved the world's problems with your sarcasm.

[rumbleseat]

I would like to hear from some more people who actually experienced this, either as a child or parent.

 

What happened and what, if any, discussion was there? If you it to do all over again, would you have changed anything?

[experiencethedevine]

Sorry, I'm never going to agree to pulling the children into your marriage, whether they are four or forty. If they are adults, then you especially have the right to tell them to butt out of your personal affairs.

 

 

 

It isn't 'pulling the children into the marriage' , that's a ridiculous statement to make!

 

 

the children are already members of a 'family', which is what husband, wife and children are, and they all relate to each other.

 

 

For goodness sake, to say that telling children to 'butt out of personal affairs' goes against all efforts made by parents and children to understand the dynamics of those interpersonal relationships.

 

 

You know, the ones where responsible, sensitive and caring interactions create a healthy dynamic in which children have no fear of expressing their feelings.

 

 

The fact is, children should never be used as weapons, but they might well end up caught in the cross fire of a dday purely situationally.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Makes sense.

 

What do you think would have happened if they had been told ( kindly) to " butt out of mom and dad's relationship" ? Who do you think they would have handled that, and what long term consequences do you think this would have had for them, if any?

 

Who would have told them that? As parents I think we have a responsibility to address our children's concerns and my girls were obviously concerned about me and their father - they knew something was wrong.

 

As many mistakes as I have made during the affair and directly after, I have never denied my children a conversation about it if they wanted it. However, for the most part they just wanted to be kids and know they were loved - they did not want to be sounding boards for their mom or dad - they are not emotionally equipped for that.

 

I guess what I am saying is that personally I would never had told them "it's none of your business" so I don't know how that would have affected them - probably distanced them even more I guess

Edited January 5, 2014 by lilmisscantbewrong

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Good grief, I have to check which century we live in. Kids in their 20s not able to cope with this???? WTF??? sorry, do not agree and although I agree with telling them, using them as ammunition is a different matter

 

Unfortunately it's a rare person that can deliver this information and be "objective" - in the end someone always is painted out to be the bad guy.

 

I can tell you that in my 20's I was not equipped to be a sounding board for my dad or my mom and I didn't want to be and yet they used me (and my siblings ) as such. My brother remembers vividly riding around in the car with my dad trying to "catch" my mom with a guy. Although he hated what mom was doing, he really detested my dad for awhile because he did that to him. They are fine now, but the scars remain.

[Got it]

This is really something for a parent to discuss with a mental health professional and address, or not address, based on their situation, their children, etc.

 

I am sorry but too often parents think they are helping by supplying children with far more information than they need. I have no negative feels NOT having known about my mother's affair and I wish I didn't know about the other information they had no issues putting on us, religious fights and power struggles with grandparents, their lack of sex and sexual issues , my father's obsession with coaching a sport and my mother's feelings he was neglecting the family and all the drama that was tied to it, my mother's issues with my father, his temper, his lack of drive and his participation with the family, her being stuck in this situation because of finances and chidren , and my father's issues with my mom's constant weigh struggles, her lack of motivation, fear of failure, lack of affection, etc. etc.

 

All of this was conveyed before I was 18 years old and was played out in front of us.

 

I do not know that there is a carte blanche answer but I know that the very grey area of using your children as an emotional sounding board, using them to validate your feelings or thoughts or negating the other parent you are crossing lines. I grew up being pitted against each parent and we learned when to and not relay information and finally by teenagehood when to just tune them out completely.

 

I have no complete answer for everyone but do feel that the involvement of an unbiased professional who would be the advocate for the children and not blinded by the emotions involved is the best course of action.

[Journee]

Journee,

 

Wow. What a story. This hits so close to home, as my h is an alcoholic, sober since dday. My 18 year old over heard and learned of his cheating. It was an ugly mess. He has also given himself back to God and is doing so well. It is true that a man can change. Your mother is blessed to have such a wonderful daughter. My daughter was also very protective of me. I had a long talk with her about life and choices and that he is still her father and loves her etc. etc. and they are all good now. :-)

 

 

 

I didn't realize the similarities in our backgrounds. Addiction is very scary and unfortunately it lives in many a home. You just never know who may be struggling with it. It is a misconception that alcoholics are stumbling around and slurring their words through life. My father was very high functioning. Receiving several promotions within his company and participating in every aspect of my life. How he maintained I will never understand.

 

 

I do feel that some married people that get into affair situations are just coping badly with internal struggles. My father was in tremendous pain and did not feel that he deserved any of the love or happiness he had. He is a new man.

 

Also, I am the lucky one Kat. I would had ended up in foster care, possibly bouncing around. They fought for me. Fought for four long years until they could call me their own from a legal standpoint. So, I could never turn my back on them as they were struggling. I owe them my life as I know it.

 

Kat, I don't want to thread jack but could we continue this in our PM?

[Journee]

I had my own D day with my mom when I walked in on her and MOM sitting on the living room sofa with MOM's arm around her one night when dad was out of town with his work.

 

My parents stayed together until my dad died of old age.

 

I don't think my parents meant to be open about my mom's infidelity problems but my dad's pain about it all exploded from time to time so we got a lot of information about it as we heard him express his agony while grieving.

 

It was kind of like D day after D day for all of us as dad processed and reprocessed it for years, it seemed.

 

This was excruciating for all of us kids and caused anxiety issues for some of us.

 

In some odd way it also established cheating as a normal part of a marriage in my mind.

 

I wish I hadn't known about it. But, if they would have included me in the healing I may feel differently about knowing about it, idk. I guess they healed about it. I don't really know though eventually we didn't hear dad bring it up anymore.

 

 

This may be something to consider. When the children are apart of the healing process. Maybe their views will be more optimistic? I am not sure what my outlook would had been if everything would had continued to crumble. I would like to think that as long as my father had found sobriety and was healthy that I would not be bitterly hurt by them not working out. It's hard to say.

 

I do think that this is a good point. What kind of process will take place after the initial shock. What kind of role the more mature children will have in it all. It could go either way I suppose. Great bonding or tremendous dissension.

[Journee]

Unfortunately it's a rare person that can deliver this information and be "objective" - in the end someone always is painted out to be the bad guy.

 

I can tell you that in my 20's I was not equipped to be a sounding board for my dad or my mom and I didn't want to be and yet they used me (and my siblings ) as such. My brother remembers vividly riding around in the car with my dad trying to "catch" my mom with a guy. Although he hated what mom was doing, he really detested my dad for awhile because he did that to him. They are fine now, but the scars remain.

 

 

That is very intense. As a child that was brought in to the mess also I am sorry you all experienced that.

[janedoe67]

No.

 

Have you ever seen what some people are like whose father had cheated on their mother and they knew about it?

 

They are a mess. Ruined for life.

 

Some are bitter. Some hate men or women. Some think ALL men or women cheat. Some see no point in marriage or having kids. Some become cheaters themselves.

 

This doesn't happen to all people who've witness cheating from a parent, but it happens to some. How can we know which ones will be affected like this?

 

Do not subject the kids to that if you can help it. If it were me, I'd keep this away from them to protect them.

 

Simply put, the best way to "protect them" is not to cheat and keep Your hands off someone ELSE'S spouse.

[Shepp]

Um. I didn't. But thanks for the heads up. So helpful. Gosh, I don't even know what to say, I think you just solved the world's problems with your sarcasm.

 

 

Well it is that simple!

Its a choice no one has to have an affair, only because they want to!

 

Kids are 'in' your marriage from the moment you have them!

 

Decide that marriage isn't enough for you and choose to have an affair and yeah, that's gonna involve your kids.

 

Some will be forgiving, some wouldn't.

 

 

 

_______________________________________________

 

 

I totally would never, even know, want to hear of one of my parents having an affair.

 

But you can say 'silence is golden' and 'what you don't know wont hurt you' ect ect

 

But sticking your head in the sand doesn't change history, it doesn't undo what they've done, and I would always want the full picture, otherwise your just living one big lie.

 

It may well irreparably damage the parents relationship with the kids but they chose to have an affair and run that risk.

[janedoe67]

I thought affairs weren't about sex- why bring up sex?

 

That would never happen, though. WS are sneaky and ashamed. It's too hard for them to be real with their families. They'd rather hide and keep doing their thing. Just like addicts.

 

My infidelity was absolutely absolutely about sex, touch and the fact that H broke HIS promise by refusing intimacy. My infidelity still came down a lack of my character and the lack of character of the person who was ony too happy to help me.

[janedoe67]

Unfortunately it's a rare person that can deliver this information and be "objective" - in the end someone always is painted out to be the bad guy.

 

I can tell you that in my 20's I was not equipped to be a sounding board for my dad or my mom and I didn't want to be and yet they used me (and my siblings ) as such. My brother remembers vividly riding around in the car with my dad trying to "catch" my mom with a guy. Although he hated what mom was doing, he really detested my dad for awhile because he did that to him. They are fine now, but the scars remain.

 

IMO you don't have to paint someone as a bad guy. In the situation where one spouse betrays the other with a willing third party.....it's pretty obvious who t e "bad guys" ARE. Indicating the it was fine for Dad to boink his secretary bcause Mommy wouldn't have sex with him is teaching your kids that it's fine to check your character at the door if times get tough.

[experiencethedevine]

Simply put, the best way to "protect them" is not to cheat and keep Your hands off someone ELSE'S spouse.

 

 

 

Hoorah! Absolutely the most sensible answer, though unfortunately one is still left dealing with the aftermath of affairs simply because people never learn!

[cocorico]

I would like to hear from some more people who actually experienced this, either as a child or parent.

 

What happened and what, if any, discussion was there? If you it to do all over again, would you have changed anything?

 

I was on the receiving end of this when my father left my mother for his OW. I had left "home" for university and was an older teen at the time. I heard from a sibling who lived nearby to my parents at the time that they were splitting up. I expected they would sell the house so I went down to collect a few things I'd left in storage. My mother was there at the time and walked in to where I was and started raging at me about my father.

 

It was as though she "forgot" that I had been present in the same house all those years, seeing the way she treated him (and us) and the way he responded (withdrawal, depression, isolation, defeat). She was furious when I would not join her in rubbishing my father or swear to take her part against him. I took my stuff and left. It was years later before I spoke to my father about it all, and he answered my questions calmly and without blame.

 

I would have preferred the kind of discussion my h had with his kids before he left his BW. I would have liked to know that he was leaving her, that he loved someone else (and that I would meet her in time) and that my R with him would not change as a result of the split. Perhaps, at the time, neither of them was capable of having that calm, reassuring conversation. Perhaps it needed the time interlude that enabled his discussion with me. But what I certainly did not need was to be subjected to her recruitment campaign.

[Speakingofwhich]

This may be something to consider. When the children are apart of the healing process. Maybe their views will be more optimistic? I am not sure what my outlook would had been if everything would had continued to crumble. I would like to think that as long as my father had found sobriety and was healthy that I would not be bitterly hurt by them not working out. It's hard to say.

 

I do think that this is a good point. What kind of process will take place after the initial shock. What kind of role the more mature children will have in it all. It could go either way I suppose. Great bonding or tremendous dissension.

 

I'd never thought of this aspect of the situation before. I do believe it would have changed much for me had I been included in the healing part of it.

 

Possibly it would have helped me to come out of it without the anxiety and also would have helped me come into an understanding of the sanctity of marriage.

 

Because of my dad's career we moved every three or four years so that I never got to watch a stable family unit and observe how it functioned. The unit I was apart of had built-in infidelity. It fit with what I learned about marriage.

 

Emotionally and experientially it became familiar and seemed comfortable to me.

[Fluttershy]

There are many who like to give a free pass to the BS ok their behaviour. I do not. In fact how a BS acts after DDay is a testement to who they are, their character, and their coping skills. Also to deny that many parents do pit their kids against each other is stupid. It happens all the time in lots of cases not just infidelity.

 

I don't think kids have to know about an affair always. But if it is obvious or depending on the situation then I believe children should be told without name calling and with love. If the children have left home and are on their own I do not think they are apart of the marriage anymore. The family yes but they now havr their own families and such. Obviously this varies by culture but in my family case my brothers live far away and one is in another country.

 

Of course if divorce takes place I see nothing wrong in telling kids it was because of infidelity. But of te parents don't I don't see that as wrong or lying. Unless of course they ask and are lied to directly.

 

As to emotional support my views are completely my own and based on my own personality. My parents and I are close. I see them a lot. But since beijg an adult my mom has tried to be my bff and I HATE IT. She is my mom. I love having her to go to for advice. But she is not my girlfriend and I do not want her venting at me about my dad. It is akward and not where I want to be. I know my dad. We ate more alike and there are lots of times I am on his side of their fights. But sometimes he is an a$$. And then I'm on my mom's side. But I usually keep my mouth shut and stay out of it. I'm talking mentally when I say I am on sides. I don't want to be the person my mom vents to about my dad. Anything else, sure. But with my dad she should find someone else. So my point is, if an affair occured, I'd rather the seek a professional or a non child friend then me to vent.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

IMO you don't have to paint someone as a bad guy. In the situation where one spouse betrays the other with a willing third party.....it's pretty obvious who t e "bad guys" ARE. Indicating the it was fine for Dad to boink his secretary bcause Mommy wouldn't have sex with him is teaching your kids that it's fine to check your character at the door if times get tough.

 

I don't disagree with this, however driving your young son around in a car to catch his mother with another man is not a good way of handling it either.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

There are many who like to give a free pass to the BS ok their behaviour. I do not. In fact how a BS acts after DDay is a testement to who they are, their character, and their coping skills. Also to deny that many parents do pit their kids against each other is stupid. It happens all the time in lots of cases not just infidelity.

 

I don't think kids have to know about an affair always. But if it is obvious or depending on the situation then I believe children should be told without name calling and with love. If the children have left home and are on their own I do not think they are apart of the marriage anymore. The family yes but they now havr their own families and such. Obviously this varies by culture but in my family case my brothers live far away and one is in another country.

 

Of course if divorce takes place I see nothing wrong in telling kids it was because of infidelity. But of te parents don't I don't see that as wrong or lying. Unless of course they ask and are lied to directly.

 

As to emotional support my views are completely my own and based on my own personality. My parents and I are close. I see them a lot. But since beijg an adult my mom has tried to be my bff and I HATE IT. She is my mom. I love having her to go to for advice. But she is not my girlfriend and I do not want her venting at me about my dad. It is akward and not where I want to be. I know my dad. We ate more alike and there are lots of times I am on his side of their fights. But sometimes he is an a$$. And then I'm on my mom's side. But I usually keep my mouth shut and stay out of it. I'm talking mentally when I say I am on sides. I don't want to be the person my mom vents to about my dad. Anything else, sure. But with my dad she should find someone else. So my point is, if an affair occured, I'd rather the seek a professional or a non child friend then me to vent.

 

This is exactly what happened to us as children - it was ridiculous and we were not equipped to handle any of it - evens as adults - I was constantly being tossed about - first mad at dad and then mad at mom - it took me until I was f@@king 47 years old and in my own affair that I said enough is enough. After dday happened for me and I went to my parents individually - I told them in no uncertain terms that I loved them both and I wasn't playing sides anymore - it was all over and I truly meant it. From that point on I wasn't going to worry about stepping on toes - it was time to put it all behind - it had been close to 20 years! Time to stop making the children and now grandchildren suffer - man up (woman up), take responsibility, be an adult - it's over.