I really dont understand the reasons...and how do i deal?

[baffled111]

Maybe i never will be able to understand why my ex broke up with me, but it would really help to know. I've talked to her about it and basicly i get two reasons. ONe is that she is scared of commitment, she admitted that to me and said she doesnt think she can handle a relationship right now. Sux for me, but ok. I asked if she still wanted a relatiosnship would we be together and she said probably not...no. She says something changed about how she feels about me and she cant say how or when or why. Just this random change of heart. We are going to be friends now, we still get along very well and have fun with eachother.

 

I just...I can't understand the reason for the break-up. If you read my first post, you know that we talked on the phone way to much and because of that also argued alot over stupid things. Is it possible that the relationship just grew into a monotonous routine and as an effect, she kinda..um...got bored with me...or somewhere along the line just strated associating me with boredom or a burden instead of a joy and a some one she wanted to be with?

 

Will I ever understand? Is there still hope through remaining friends that she will get those feelings back as long as we keep having fun???

 

Second Question: How the hell am i supposed to deal with it, the first time(or anytime for that matter) when she starts flirting with other guys or dancing with them. SInce we are friends and will hang out, i'll see her in these situations. I just dont want to get up and knock out some poor dude she was flirting with. I understand we are just friends, but i still love her and it's gonna hurt to see her with anyone else, even though she's not wanting a relationship with them, it will still hurt to see her flirting and hitting on them...any advice for not losing control of my emotions in those first couple situations when this happens??

[Mary3]

You should absolutely not remain friends with her if her dating /dancing/kissing other individuals will be observed by you....thus even hurting you more...

 

I recommend that you do a * time out * and do your best to ease your pain because if you continue to see her * in hopes * that her feelings will return ...you are sadly going to be dissapointed.

 

It seems she has grown bored of you ...or the arguing...or the sameness...or the predictabiltiy of the everyday- just like the other.,...In otherwords...she has outgrown you.....outgrown the spark that was once there...

 

Can you get it back ?

 

Hardly....unless she is left alone and magically realizes what she has with you which ALL DUMPEES hope for but rarely materializes..

 

Why did she do it ? If you need to dig for answers do so...but it does not change the fact or change her mind....it just gives you closure...

 

Please install the NO CONTACT order for yourself immediately until your feelings are healed and fewer and then perhaps you can be her friend...But dont be her friend in hopes that everything will return. Be her friend because you get along. Nothing more.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Sux for me, but ok. I asked if she still wanted a relatiosnship would we be together and she said probably not...no. She says something changed about how she feels about me and she cant say how or when or why. Just this random change of heart. We are going to be friends now, we still get along very well and have fun with eachother.

 

trust me, i have been in the past in this situation and i know where you are... this is hard as hell to do ( i know ) but for your own sake detach yourself from her, you cannot be friends if you have feelings for her! you will torture yourself from her even more if you do!!!!!!!!!

 

best thing you can do... the dreaded NO CONTACT advice is very appropriate here!!!!!!

 

i know you will not understand this BUT don't allow this girl to manipulate you!

 

tell her you don't want to be friends, i have loads of them already and why would i want you as a friend! stick to this and you will see her power start to diminish!

 

if you can't do this just avoid her like the plague, its better for you in the long run, don't let her mess you up!

 

although you like I will have to learn THE HARD WAY!

 

good luck!

[charmingstranger]

No Contact does not work in this situation because 1) he is still in love with her and 2) he doesn't understand the reasons behind the break up. I've been in this situation and had No Contact for 14 months. I'm still in love with her even though I was the one who called it off. But in my case, the not knowing was not knowing her true feelings for me since she never revealed her true feelings. As long as there is no closure, No Contact will not work. Take it from me, with No Contact since the day we broke up 14 months ago.

[iceisles]

It is VERY rare to get the answers you are looking for following a breakup. Closure is more likely to come in the form of acceptance rather than getting any kind of explanation from the ex. It's awful that's how things go, but you have to either roll with these punches or get knocked out by them.

[DinNJ]

As long as there is no closure, No Contact will not work.

 

I'd actually have to argue that.... This is the PERFECT time for NC... In your case you were the dumper... he's the dumpee without answers or closure. Chances are his girl is an emotional wreck and really not that interested in him. If he pursues her and tries to beg, plead and get answers, he'll only push her further away while validating her reasons for the break. Sorry buddy... but "I'm not ready right now" means "I'm not ready to date YOU! "

 

Cut if off... give her space without you... and without the attention, feelings and emotions. As hard as it is.... thats what she requested, so give it to her. Maybe in time, she'll feel guilty or maybe even miss the attention and give you call. It's not unheard of... in fact, in these situations... a call from the dumper almost always comes when you least expect it. No Contact....

[baffled111]

ok, well, first of all let me say that no contact seems almost impossible, i tried once for a little over a week, but I was on AOL instant messenger and she sent me an IM saying i dont have to respond, maybe its too soon, but she wants to see how i was. I responded and we talked for a while and i've talked to her probably 4 times on the phone in the week and a half since then. Im not sure the IM really counts as breaking NC on her part because its very impersonal.

 

Now, maybe its just her saying stuff so i dont feel bad, or so we can still be friends, or something like that, considering she said that if she wanted a relationship we still wouldnt be together, but she told me before that, she's not planning on it(not in those words), but there is a chance that after we are friends for a couple months we will get back together. Let me help clarify. She has some weird "rules" and "philosophies" like:

 

She always said she would be friends with the person she dated for a long time before she started going out with them. she and i started dating after 1 week. She thinks that was too soon.

 

Anyway, i dont know if any of the above makes sense, but I'm not sure NC is the best route to travel giving the specific circumstances. I'm not sure her little "rule" is BS because she is kinda wierd like that(not that there is something neccasarily wrong with her opinion). But maybe it is over without a chance because she tried to give the stuff i gave her back(bracelet, christmas gifts, etc) I was especially surprised that she wanted ot give EVRYTHING back. I told her i didnt want it, i baught it for her, i cant give that stuff to anyone else(not cuz its crap, cuz it has meaning to me. I couldnt give a necklace i baught her to another girl) Well, she gave it to a friend to give to me, kinda made a joke that i'm getting it back no matter what.

 

Do i keep the stuff or go give it back to her?

Is that a sign she is deffinately not interested in me like that anymore and i shouldnt hope for a second chance?

If its not should i go the route of trying to be a really really good friend(which id like to be anyway) following her whole "philosophy" thingy or stick with NC anyway?

 

Thanks everyone

[mixwell]

you said you were on AIM and she initiated it ? If thats the case its ok.. No contact is mainly for YOU to not contact her. If she contacts you then its ok. But just be cool and make it a short convo.