I may be in serious trouble! Horribly wrong!

[CompletelyIncomplete]

Hi everyone... Im new here and i've been reading post on this site and they been helpful... But I think I've done something so incredibly wrong that I haven't found a post on this site that relates to my case.

 

I don't know if i'll get in trouble for posting this, I hope not... Here it goes...

 

I met someone on-line, on some site where you interact with others. I had posted something about a problem I was going through. I get a reply from this person (lets call him "B"). So B starts telling me about his similar experience and that he was far away from home. He told me he was married with kids and that he was on the site for random hookups. He was very honest and I poked fun at him, I told him I was married and my current problem.

 

We began to send each other these very long messages, talking about nonsense, his family, my family, just tried to get to know each other... Well long story short B tells me that he's deployed, I thought "crap, he's in the army"... Oh crap! I immediately thought "should I be talking to him", "is this okay", "should he have told me where he was stationed". I got scared. I asked him if it was okay, he said it was fine. That he had a couple of weeks left and that he enjoyed talking to me.

 

So after back and forth messages we were finally online at the same time and we would have these long conversations, he tells me that "he likes me"... I thought no harm in that. I liked him as a person too. We emailed each other pictures of ourself, basic "selfies". We found each other very attractive. It went on like this about 2 more conversations, so finally he asked to Skype me. I said no. A lot of times... Then I gave in, I saw him! He couldn't see me and we didn't know why at first. He talked to me and sang to me. I thought he was adorable. The next time we both got online B became jealous, possessive, sending me constant messages when I wouldn't reply and got angry. All because I changed my profile picture. We then later talked and I calmed him down... It was weird. He said he was hurt that I wouldn't respond and that he was being possessive of someone that wasn't his. HOLY CRAP!! RUN!! Nope! I stayed, I was starting to like him. It became a constant need of attention! I see it now.

 

After all these conversations he asked for my number, I gave it to him. He called me the next day, I was weird. We began to talk, very light conversation. Then it became "what are we doing?', "i like you a lot", "I can't stop thinking of you". We had a talk about no one is going to ever leave their spouses. We didn't know what this was. He didn't sleep just to call me, he bought a calling card just to call me. I was so screwed. I knew it. I liked him... I couldn't help it. So it came time for B to come back to the states. He told me what was going to happen and that it will take some time for him to travel. That he would get a hold of me once he was settled. Didn't hear from him for 2 days, oh those days were so long... I kept busy with my family, I couldn't believe what was happening. The more I wanted to stay away the more I wanted him. So finally on a Saturday morning I get a call, didn't know it was B so I didn't answer. Then he called again that same night but I had a family gathering. We finally talked. He told me he got the phone from his friend just to call me. He did this twice.

 

A day passed and I didn't hear from him, I did miss him. I thought to myself how wrong this was. He's married, I'm married. NO! This can't happen. So I guess he passed his mental exam or something like that, that he was able to go out and buy a phone. B told me, "i bought this phone for you, so we can talk. Call me at any time". So exciting, we began texting and calling each other. So there was the "conversation" about what are we doing and where this is going. Where was this going? IDK, What are we doing? IDK. B told me "i really, really like you"... "We are adults, I can't tell you each night " I like you" good night?" He said it, "i love you"... WAIT WHAT!! I told him he didn't and not to play with me. He said he did. OH MY GOD!! No, this wasn't happening. Well, in me I thought I loved him too. So we said it, we loved each other. B told me that when he went back home that he still wanted to make "us" work and that we would see each other when there was a possibility. Mind you through all of this we were having phone sex. It wasn't all the time but it happened often.

 

I had a business trip coming up, I told him I would be gone for a couple of days and that I would have my phone. He begged me not to leave him. I told him I wouldn't. That he could call anytime. During this time we would still talk about our families, we started sharing personal information. I trusted him. He's in the army what bad thing would he do? He would get into trouble if he did something. I started searching the web for "military affairs" the repercussions it would have on him. B didn't know I was reading about this, I never wanted him to get in trouble or for him to leave his family for me. Never. So B calls me and tells me that he talked to someone about the repercussions and if I was recording him while we had "phone sex"?... Of course I didn't. Never came to mind. We both had respect for each other. During this conversation we got into some argument (we are both young), I told him to eff off and to call him wife to sex. He went insane. Wouldn't stop calling or texting me until we resolved the problem. During my business trip I had a busy schedule and of course at night I would go out with my co-workers to have fun. B wasn't fond of this. He would beg me to call him as soon as I would be in my room.

 

One of those nights B and I were talking and he wanted for us to fall asleep on the phone (i hadn't done this since I was in HS). I was okay with it but my husband called and I hung up with B. I had a long conversation with my husband and we finally got off the phone. B told me to call and I was way too tired. So I called said goodnight and hung up. Well B didn't like this, he began to call me about 20 times. Text me about 14 times. The text messages became verbally abusive, he thought there was someone else with me. That I didn't call him back so I can sleep with someone else. All this time I was asleep. Tired from the previous day. B didn't sleep just so he can call me, he was furious. The only time he wouldn't call was when he had formation or something else. I finally talked to him, we was being a jerk still abusive. It took so much time to calm him down. I finally got fed up and told him off, I couldn't take it. He apologized, beg for me not to leave him. I felt horrible but he said "I love you so much, thats why Im doing this" "Im going crazy because of you" 'I'm falling in love with you"... OH NOT AGAIN!! Now I'm royally screwed, I knew I was falling for him.

 

Finally Im home and we Skype, we see each other and he just stares and tells me how beautiful I am, yada yada yada. We talked about him going back home and the dates he was given, he told me that he would find a way to talk to me and make this work. That last few days before he left were weird. I wasn't available to talk or he wasn't. We would text but not much. I pulled away. I couldn't deal with it. I still can't. We got into another fight about how we felt, he said he loved me and that he was in love with me. He didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do, all I knew was I love him and I need him in my life any way i could have him. Re reiterated that we weren't over, we weren't going to be over.

 

THE DAY comes, he tells me a couple hours before that he's leaving. Im heartbroken, I cried. I knew it was coming but I wished it was much later. He texts me that he was going to leave his phone with another guy that was going to stay behind, then he calls. He left me a voicemail that he was leaving and that he wants me to wait till he gets situated and is able to call me. That we will be okay, that he loves me. The way he said "love you" was such a painful thing to hear. I didn't believe it, it was like a whimpering "love you". I texted him "please don't call me, focus on your family" I got and "OK" and now he's gone.

 

WHAT DID I DO?? Like a maniac I looked him up on FB, found him. Looked all over his page. Now like a psycho I found who his wife was and looked at her page, lol. I looked all over her page. Stared at her, looked at their kids. I felt horrible for doing this to her. I will never tell her, I will never screw him over like that. After the sad feelings I got mad, at him. Not at her. But as a female I became catty and thought "Im prettier than her" sadly she's not attractive. But hey he's with her for a reason. I stalked her FB until she wrote that he was home. I felt the worst gut pain but I was happy he is safe with his family. Now will I hear from him again? IDK... I hope. I don't know what to expect. Theres things he needs to deal with coming back from deployment he promised he was going to look into. I hope he does. What do I do? How do I move on?Im left feeling used, pathetic and heart broken. I want to cry all the time. I don't want to keep checking her FB, but I just want to see that he's okay... I need help, so much of it. Can the army do anything to me?

Thank you for reading, I do apologize for the length.

Edited January 4, 2014 by CompletelyIncomplete

[MissBee]

What could the army possibly do to you? I'm not sure why you think that. You chatting with a soldier and having an emotional affair with him isn't anything the army cares about, as none of this affects national security.

 

Truth is: this man sounds controlling and overly possessive.

 

How long did this all go on for?

 

I think you both have built a fantasy relationship and not anything really substantial...but I do get that it hurts nevertheless. How do you feel about your marriage? I think you have to take it for what it was worth at the time and focus on working on your own marriage, as you instructed him to do.

[Nothisgirl]

I'm sorry because I know you wrote an incredibly long post and wanted feedback on your relationship with him but I'm only going to address one thing:

 

You need to get as far away from this guy as possible. Hearing the overlay controlling and possessive way he behaves had me shaking and remembering back to the man I dated right after my marriage that was certifiably psychopathic. This behaviour will not change, in fact, it will get worse. Please, while he is getting settled take the time to change your number and block any channels he has to you.

 

I know this sounds over the top but I am telling you from experience this man is not well and he will send you into a tailspin of abuse. Please get out NOW while you still can.

[whichwayisup]

You do not know this man at all and you've built him up to be someone he's not. He is/was playing you, he is a liar, a cheat and very crafty by manipulating you. The guy has issues, you knowingly ignored all the red flags and jumped in with both feet. Never hearing from him again is actually the best thing that could happen. Now all you need to do is kill the fantasy of him. He is not that guy at all.

 

Fix you. Something is wrong. I say this with respect but you've been so focused on him, you're not seeing what you're doing to your own husband and family. Get some counseling.

[CompletelyIncomplete]

What could the army possibly do to you? I'm not sure why you think that. You chatting with a soldier and having an emotional affair with him isn't anything the army cares about, as none of this affects national security.

 

Truth is: this man sounds controlling and overly possessive.

 

How long did this all go on for?

 

I think you both have built a fantasy relationship and not anything really substantial...but I do get that it hurts nevertheless. How do you feel about your marriage? I think you have to take it for what it was worth at the time and focus on working on your own marriage, as you instructed him to do.

 

 

I don't know what the army may do to me. I hope nothing. I have read multiple blogs on military affairs and I know he may get in trouble. Now, I wonder if what he told me (his locations, what he does, what he did, the metal issues being deployed had caused him, other soldiers problems) can get me in trouble for knowing.

 

This went on over a month, almost two.

 

I does hurt. It sucks that he's really nutty. I haven't heard from him. Im okay at the moment. I haven't cried again.

My marriage isn't the best. Im in somewhat of a sexless marriage, lack attention from my husband. Im unable to communicate with him. I've tried. I guess thats why I did this. Theres no excuse for what I've done.

[CompletelyIncomplete]

Actually, you're wrong here. Adultery is considered a crime by the US military and can get you court-martialed and dishonorably discharged. If you're not trustworthy enough to remain faithful to your own spouse, they don't believe you are trustworthy or honorable enough to serve your country. However, all of this would only affect him, not OP.

 

Yep! Thats exactly what I've read. He can get into some serious trouble if his wife finds out and wants the army to do something about what happened between us. I've asked him to delete emails, pictures and conversations. He wouldn't. I have everything stored and if his wife wanted to find me on FB she could.

[CompletelyIncomplete]

I'm sorry because I know you wrote an incredibly long post and wanted feedback on your relationship with him but I'm only going to address one thing:

 

You need to get as far away from this guy as possible. Hearing the overlay controlling and possessive way he behaves had me shaking and remembering back to the man I dated right after my marriage that was certifiably psychopathic. This behaviour will not change, in fact, it will get worse. Please, while he is getting settled take the time to change your number and block any channels he has to you.

 

I know this sounds over the top but I am telling you from experience this man is not well and he will send you into a tailspin of abuse. Please get out NOW while you still can.

 

I know that theres something wrong with him and I tried leaving. Every time I would tell him I couldn't do this he would call me non-stop and sweet talk me into staying. Oh gosh, I feel incredibly stupid. I felt I could help him, I would ask him if he was like that with his wife. He said he really wasn't and he acted this way because he "cared" about me.

I do plan on changing my number, Im trying to think of how to tell my husband I want to change my number and a reason.

Thank you so much, I knew he was not right. I just don't know why I couldn't run away from the start.

[CompletelyIncomplete]

You do not know this man at all and you've built him up to be someone he's not. He is/was playing you, he is a liar, a cheat and very crafty by manipulating you. The guy has issues, you knowingly ignored all the red flags and jumped in with both feet. Never hearing from him again is actually the best thing that could happen. Now all you need to do is kill the fantasy of him. He is not that guy at all.

 

Fix you. Something is wrong. I say this with respect but you've been so focused on him, you're not seeing what you're doing to your own husband and family. Get some counseling.

 

Yes, I know I've made him to be someone he's not in my mind. I know that theres something incredibly wrong with him. I know, and I stayed. That right there does tell you that theres something wrong with me. I know he played me like a fool, I might not have been the only one. He really did manipulate me because he knew what I was going through. I'm naive. I needed someone like you to tell me. So I can understand that he seriously effd with me.

 

Red flags were all over but I stupidly stayed, one thing he would say that would scare me was "you know I can find out everything about you, where you live and work. Your history. I work for national security" then he would laugh. I would worry and think theres no way I could go. Plus the sweet talk was everything I needed to hear at the moment.

 

In someway I hope not to hear from him, i get a bit worried when my phone rings. Im in a point where I hope its not him and why hasn't he called. I have this stupid fantasy that everything will be like he told me. I know I need to get over it. I will, I need time. Which sucks. I have feelings, feelings don't go away so easily. I did make EXCUSES for this man, for being the way he was. Oh he cares, thats why he's being this way. He loves me thats why he will call me non-stop. He wants to know Im okay thats why he asked where was I a couple times a day. I KNOW, i know it was all fake. But my heart hasn't gotten it yet.

 

I know I've done wrong, I know I need help. I'm just stuck on something so stupid. Im trying to work on my family. It was my fault for falling for someone else while being married. But this happens, and Im trying to deal with this.

 

Thank you! I appreciate the reality check you've given me.

[experiencethedevine]

Servicemen lead lives that are vastly different to the accepted social norm, and those who marry them are aware of the complexities of being a serviceman's wife. It is not the same way of life civilians experience.

 

 

It is fractured, tenuous and by its nature of exclusivity very lonely when husbands are deployed,which is why there is a camaraderie between the wives themselves that is a bond peculiar to them.

 

 

It is often the case that while wives are waiting for the return of their husbands, living in this suspended state, shoring up homes, children and such, the husband, in a state of constant alert, will seek relief from it by entertaining himself through the internet.

 

 

You are the result of such entertainment and likely to be little more in all honesty. While he reassures his wife that he is okay, the physical and chemical state of hypervigilance he experiences finds release in online interactions with women like you.

 

 

I have known serviceman to go to extraordinary lengths to satisfy their immediate need for stimulation online with porn, chat, date and other such sites, even planning meetings within this medium, but most not actually following through because it is a diversion tactic.

 

 

There is also the business of this man's apparent unstable mental condition.

 

 

From what you have stated, you would be wise to leave this man's obviously delicate state to his wife to deal with and consider yourself as having had a fortunate escape...............

[rumbleseat]

Affairs, especially among deployed personnel, are quite common, but there can be serious ramifications for him if it comes out.

 

Part of this is the idea of that he is not trustworthy, has low character, and part of it is that they don't like soldiers to have anything that could cause them to be less mentally alert than they should be while on deployment.

 

One thing that you ma want to consider, depending on where was, is that he may be suffering from PTSD and may be mentally unstable. The post deployment briefing screens don't always pick this up, and if he does have a mental health issue such as this, he may be unstable and very unpredictable.

From what you have said, there is something unsettling about his actions. AT best, they are extremely immature, while at worst, they could show signs of a disordered personality.

 

I know you may want to just put all of this behind you, but it one bases their view on the information you have given, wouldn't trust him to keep all of this quiet and just disappear. While the whole affair may have been purely some sort of fantasy generated out of loneliness and boredom that will end now that he is home, he may have assigned a lot more meaning to it. You ma find that things spin out of your control really quickly, and your husband will find out. How are you going to handle that if it happens? Are you going to come clean, or will you hide the affair? What will you do if this guy doesn't go away?

[experiencethedevine]

Affairs, especially among deployed personnel, are quite common, but there can be serious ramifications for him if it comes out.

 

Part of this is the idea of that he is not trustworthy, has low character, and part of it is that they don't like soldiers to have anything that could cause them to be less mentally alert than they should be while on deployment.

 

One thing that you ma want to consider, depending on where was, is that he may be suffering from PTSD and may be mentally unstable. The post deployment briefing screens don't always pick this up, and if he does have a mental health issue such as this, he may be unstable and very unpredictable.

From what you have said, there is something unsettling about his actions. AT best, they are extremely immature, while at worst, they could show signs of a disordered personality.

 

I know you may want to just put all of this behind you, but it one bases their view on the information you have given, wouldn't trust him to keep all of this quiet and just disappear. While the whole affair may have been purely some sort of fantasy generated out of loneliness and boredom that will end now that he is home, he may have assigned a lot more meaning to it. You ma find that things spin out of your control really quickly, and your husband will find out. How are you going to handle that if it happens? Are you going to come clean, or will you hide the affair? What will you do if this guy doesn't go away?

 

 

 

 

Rumbleseat's observations characterise the process of indoctrination within the closed environment of the armed forces precisely.

 

 

There is an expectation that the conduct of the serviceman will not disgrace the service in which he functions. This is also extended to his family. Reputation of the armed forces is paramount. This makes complete sense when one considers the implications of the job.

 

 

A serviceman affected by personal conflict cannot function appropriately in the field.

 

 

If this situation regarding his involvement with you comes to affect his family, then it will most certainly cause jeopardy to his career and his future. As Rumbleseat states, the armed forces do not look kindly on anything that causes disruption to their servicemen's ability to function effectively according to their training.

 

 

It is worth noting also that if your husband did discover your 'jolly jape' and decided to out you both to his commanding officer or such, then this man's seeming instability (as indicated by Rumbleseat to be the possibility of PTSD) could cause untold damage..........................

[Lady2163]

Im female, was in the military. I'm going to civilian-ise the words I use. My job was I'm the legal/police area.

 

The Army can't officially do anything to you. I don't think any of my bosses would have supported anyone in the loop sending your husband any information.

 

Now, adultery in the military. There was a motto, no pictures, no proof.

 

Essentially, what has to happen for him to get in trouble is for his wife or friend to turn in proof. If his buddy turned over printed emails or phone, they would probably investigate. If he admitted to anything, he would probably be toast.

 

Military spouses talk to each other...a lot. IF the wife found out about what he was doing, it would be in her best interest to divorce him, but not get him kicked out of the military. She benefits and her kids benefit from him being in th military, rather than a civilian. Trust me, she knows that.

 

Plus, last time I checked the military wasn't prosecuting for emotional affairs and cyber affairs. It almost has to be a photo/video of your both naked with faces and his penis penetrating one of your orifices.

 

I can't begin to explain what combat is like or how he has been living during his deployment time. He's latched onto you as an emotional outlet, BUT there is a huge chance now that he is home with family and loved ones, he may drop you. LET HIM GO. He has demons and battles to fight and you truly can't help him.

 

My prediction is he will contact you within a month. I'd really encourage you to sever the ties. Lie to him, tell him you and your husband had a long talk and you two are happier than you've been in a long time. Don't say anything about his behavior, the focus is on you being content and renewed.

 

Lol, no matter what he may have said to you about military operations, no, the government isn't going to throw you in a supermax prison. It is the oldest trick in a service persons book. It makes the other person feel involved.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I know I've made him to be someone he's not in my mind. I know that theres something incredibly wrong with him. I know, and I stayed. That right there does tell you that theres something wrong with me. I know he played me like a fool, I might not have been the only one. He really did manipulate me because he knew what I was going through. I'm naive. I needed someone like you to tell me. So I can understand that he seriously effd with me.

 

Red flags were all over but I stupidly stayed, one thing he would say that would scare me was "you know I can find out everything about you, where you live and work. Your history. I work for national security" then he would laugh. I would worry and think theres no way I could go. Plus the sweet talk was everything I needed to hear at the moment.

 

In someway I hope not to hear from him, i get a bit worried when my phone rings. Im in a point where I hope its not him and why hasn't he called. I have this stupid fantasy that everything will be like he told me. I know I need to get over it. I will, I need time. Which sucks. I have feelings, feelings don't go away so easily. I did make EXCUSES for this man, for being the way he was. Oh he cares, thats why he's being this way. He loves me thats why he will call me non-stop. He wants to know Im okay thats why he asked where was I a couple times a day. I KNOW, i know it was all fake. But my heart hasn't gotten it yet.

 

I know I've done wrong, I know I need help. I'm just stuck on something so stupid. Im trying to work on my family. It was my fault for falling for someone else while being married. But this happens, and Im trying to deal with this.

 

Thank you! I appreciate the reality check you've given me.

 

Change your phone number.

 

Let your heart catch up to your mind -- Anytime you find yourself fantasizing or remembering him in a good way, stop and remember that he is unbalanced and push him out of your head completely. Grieve the loss and do your best to move on past this. He's trouble, that's what you MUST keep telling yourself. Don't respond at all if he reaches out.

[Snipercatt]

no matter what he may have said to you about military operations, no, the government isn't going to throw you in a supermax prison. It is the oldest trick in a service persons book. It makes the other person feel involved.

 

Take it from Lady; someone who knows.

 

Either this man played you, or he's unstable. There's just no good news here.

 

Get a new phone number. Use the excuse that you are receiving too many marketing calls, or what have you, but end this and block all means of communication from this individual. He's involved your heart but had no intention of getting involved in your life.

[MissBee]

Actually, you're wrong here. Adultery is considered a crime by the US military and can get you court-martialed and dishonorably discharged. If you're not trustworthy enough to remain faithful to your own spouse, they don't believe you are trustworthy or honorable enough to serve your country. However, all of this would only affect him, not OP.

 

 

I was gonna elaborate, thanks for doing so. None of this would be anything she would get in trouble for, maybe he would, but not her. Worse, they have never even met in person, so it seems like it would be harder to prove that he committed adultery with her and it could be easily considered some online flirting and nothing substantial. I assume the army doesn't go around investigating if people are having affairs but it has to be brought to their attention and then that's when action is taken, in this case of their online and phone tryst of text messages and skype, I doubt any of this will be brought to their attention.

Edited January 6, 2014 by MissBee

[CompletelyIncomplete]

So it's been 2 weeks exactly since the day I talked to this man. I am happy to say that he hasn't contacted me nor do I think he ever will.

In the beginning I was an emotional mess and I was hoping for some sort of communication. Of course it did hurt, my emotions were involved. But I am pretty sure my heart has catcher up with my mind knowing that this was the worst thing I've ever done. I know contact will never happened and I have learned to cope with this.

Maybe it was all an illusion from both of us. Maybe he really played me, extremely well at best. I did within these two weeks check his wife Facebook and saw pictures of him and his family. At first it hit me hard and it hurt me. Then I was content that he's home and happy with his kids. Theres really no pictures of the two of them together but thats their problem. So whatever problems he told he had with his wife its THEIR issue. Not mine. I have my own issues with my husband.

This Army guy does have mental issues and most likely does suffer from ptsd. He put me through a lot and theres no one to blame for but myself. I have blocked his email account and blocked him from the site I met him on. I hope he doesn't find me on Facebook, I doubt it because his wife has access to his Facebook.

I do worry about what he would "jokingly" say... "I can get your information if I want to". Even though I hope he never contacts me he's unstable and I don't want him to decide to one day try to find me. He knows Im married, I want this to completely go away. I don't want to tell my husband, but if gets to that point I have no other choice.

Thank you to everyone who read my post and gave me advice.

[CompletelyIncomplete]

Oh! And about me getting in trouble I am glad to know that I won't. The trouble I can get in is with my husband only.

I read things online, I read the posts submitted to the thread and I asked someone in the army about the repercussions, I won't ever be in trouble. I am glad. I know that he's the one who will be the only one in trouble if his wife finds out. I have learned not to do this again. I seriously thank everyone!

 

 

I forgot to mention, the army guy will be in my state in a couple of months for training I hope he doesn't look for me. Now for people in the army is there a way to stop him if he does look for me? Who can talk to in the Army if he ever does?

He's crazy so I just want to be prepared.