Walk-away spouse or Mid-life crisis?

[jforthegirl]

I'm not sure why I am torturing myself by trying to find a reason behind my husband's actions, but indulge me...

based on the lay of his actions below, would you say my stbxh is just a walk away spouse or having a midlife crisis?

 

- after 23 years together, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, hasn't for the past 5 years

- blames me for this, said that I treated him like sh*t for 20 years

- is having an EA with a much younger married woman that lives out of state, is in "love". EA started before he left

- has lost a lot of weight, became very concerned with his appearance

- increase in drinking and started smoking again as soon as he told me he was leaving

- two major life events in the past 14 months : death of his father and birth of his daughter

 

What do you think?

[RedHawk08]

Whatever we all label their behaviour as, it all unifies under one thing.

Our spouses are taking NO responsibility for their actions.

 

I have no idea how to reverse that myself. If any of us did, we would be reversing our impending divorces.

 

When something major happens in their lives, they will match it with behaviour of a magnitude to counteract the guilt and shame in their heads.

 

None of us will get anywhere until we can get our spouses to take responsibility.

[Mr. Lucky]

None of us will get anywhere until we can get our spouses to take responsibility.

 

You can't get your spouse to "take responsibility" any more than you can get them to unthink the thoughts that make them feel entitled to do what they do. Similarly, you can't control their actions, only the consequences of same as they relate to you. It's pretty difficult to make clear-headed decisions in a divorce until you come to terms with this.

 

OP, why is the label important?

 

Mr. Lucky

[jforthegirl]

I guess the title is not important, I'm just still really struggling with why this all happened, trying to find an explanation. I know that I shouldn't, I'll never know why. I'll never understand how he could do this.

I'll never know how he became this selfish, cruel man overnight.

I'll just never know and I need to accept that.

[Still-I-Rise]

You are torturing yourself but I understand it.

 

The truth is WAS or MLC they both wreak havoc and have destructive influences on family members.

 

Please look up runawayhusbands.com (there is a book) if you are unfamiliar with the site, as you will find stories about MLC and WAS you could have written yourself.

 

How long ago did your husband explode?

[jforthegirl]

He told me he was leaving 2 months ago. I found out about the EA a month ago, he moved out the same day. It's only been a short time, but it feels like an eternity.

[RedHawk08]

I've been on this road for around 9 months now. My lessons are fresh and learned that hard way.

 

There is honestly nothing you can do to change what they are doing.

You can change every part of your relationship to make it more appealing to return to.

But none of this will matter to them. These are just twisted justifications to pursue the EA.

 

The OP is nearly always a catalyst to an existing problem.

 

All you can do, is sit back for a moment, and work out what your boundaries are. Stick to them.

How much hope, forgiveness and unconditional love do you have? How much are you willing to give before you say "enough is enough"?

 

These boundaries will be tested and you need to be watchful, as they will test these to get you to react to justify their actions to themselves.

 

Eventually, if they have a soul, they will realise what they are doing one day. They will have to face themselves I the mirror.

 

Whether you are still waiting for them, is down to you.

[Still-I-Rise]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

Mine happened end of July and beginning of August last year.

 

I found out about the other woman after he'd moved out. He almost got away with it but became cocky and mean at the end and that's how I found out.

I have a friend who would say he fell into the whole he'd dug for me.

 

Going through this experience, especially in the early days, might seem worse than dealing with the loss of a loved one in death.

 

Abandonment is cruel and destructive on the BS and family.

 

And even though people will tell you it will get better*, not to blame yourself, etc., time is going to be your truest friend.

 

Great advice will do wonders too but there is a period of mental disorganization that just has to settle.

 

Trust nothing he says. Don't trust your instincts to believe or be there for him. Try not to hang onto false hope. No matter how many hoops you jump through to make him turn around, often times the decision to leave is already made in such situations. So, although his revisionist histories of your lives might hurt deeply please do not take them personally. They are his crazy, lying justifications for his actions.

 

You've quite the road ahead of you but at least you are trying to get your head around it.

 

Keep asking questions, post often and heed what advice you can.

 

Remember: You WILL get through this.

 

*Six months out and things are getting better. People were right. But I would be remiss if I didn't say no one could convince me otherwise when it first happened. I thought I would die from the stress of it all and even found myself wishing it would come to rescue me from such madness.

Edited January 4, 2014 by Still-I-Rise

[jforthegirl]

Thank you for your advice. Some days I feel like he just up and ran away. Other days I believe what he told me, that this is my fault, my actions pushed him away, made him stop loving me. I feel responsible. I know that he will never come back to me, the love is not there anymore. And I think I am fine with it. I think. ...

The hardest part for me is the hole that he left as my emotional support partner. He is getting his emotional needs met by this married woman in the EA. And in turn, she is getting the emotional support from him that I once had, all of the trust, love, and compassion that he once gave me, has been turned over to her. And this is the most painful part for me.

[Mystery2Me]

Hey J! Hope you are having some bright spots in your day.

 

Acceptance is the ulitmate issue....and a process reallly it is. When our lives rapidly change it takes time to accept the new reality, does not matter if you win the lottery OR your spourse does the FOOL.

 

Unfortunately if we view the change as negative/confusing (a.k.a. WTH is wrong with him/her) the process of acceptance becomes more difficult and requires more time.

 

And of course it's harder to accept something we don't understand and hurts us to booth.

 

For me the hard work of WINNING ACCEPTANCE was that regardless if I understand the WHY...shoot even if I did understand it...ACCEPTING what I DID NOT want to happen....well it just HURT.

 

Today I have that beautiful ACCEPTANCE...and you know what I still do know understand why he did what he did. But that is what the process is about, I get to choose me and make me happy, and divorce means he is NOT a factor in my happiness.

 

Keep on with the progress.

Edited January 4, 2014 by Mystery2Me

[jforthegirl]

Thanks M2M, I hope to get to acceptance very soon. I'm stuck in denial and anger, I think.

Every day is a challenge, and some days I fail. And it's a painful failure.

[Shocked Suzie]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

Mine happened end of July and beginning of August last year.

 

I found out about the other woman after he'd moved out. He almost got away with it but became cocky and mean at the end and that's how I found out.

I have a friend who would say he fell into the whole he'd dug for me.

 

Going through this experience, especially in the early days, might seem worse than dealing with the loss of a loved one in death.

 

Abandonment is cruel and destructive on the BS and family.

 

And even though people will tell you it will get better*, not to blame yourself, etc., time is going to be your truest friend.

 

Great advice will do wonders too but there is a period of mental disorganization that just has to settle.

 

Trust nothing he says. Don't trust your instincts to believe or be there for him. Try not to hang onto false hope. No matter how many hoops you jump through to make him turn around, often times the decision to leave is already made in such situations. So, although his revisionist histories of your lives might hurt deeply please do not take them personally. They are his crazy, lying justifications for his actions.

 

You've quite the road ahead of you but at least you are trying to get your head around it.

 

Keep asking questions, post often and heed what advice you can.

 

Remember: You WILL get through this.

 

*Six months out and things are getting better. People were right. But I would be remiss if I didn't say no one could convince me otherwise when it first happened. I thought I would die from the stress of it all and even found myself wishing it would come to rescue me from such madness.

 

This is very good advice OP and everyone else's too... It would pay to read peoples very first then last thread posts, to understand this process.... Mine included.

 

Try to focus on yourself and your own path... Although their actions will still effect you, you eventually get over them quicker as time goes on. Try not to beat yourself up over the 'whys' you will never know this .... Again at times this is easier said than done some days.

 

They put the blame on you to shift their guilt! Remember you are no longer dealing with the man you married... He is a stranger now

 

Time heals, look after you xxx